Lily's Letters - Part 3

By Sherry, Patricia, Maria, Dianne, Keesha, Tally, Linda, Elayn

Disclaimer: The characters and situations of the TV program "Big Valley" are the creations of Four Star/Republic Pictures and have been used without permission. No copyright infringement is intended.

Lily sends letters to her sister Violet back east describing life in the Big Valley.

Sherry wrote

October 13, 1877

Dearest Violet,

It is with many mixed emotions that I write you this letter. I feel I must first apologize for my neglecting you so these past few weeks. However, understand that so much has befallen me that I felt I must sort it in my mind before telling you of my experiences. You are a dear to put up with such a ninny of a sister!

I fear my last letter had so dreadful an ending that I must set that matter to rights at once. I had at first found Heath's going off with Eugene to be most distressful after the stolen kiss in the barn. However, as the week that he was absent wore on I found my thoughts and dreams turning to the kiss of another. I must admit, Vi, that several of these dreams left me in a rather bothered state. I should not being having thoughts like that, especially since I am engaged to another. And yet I find myself thinking of how much I have come to care for him since my arrival here. But I digressą.

Heath and Eugene soon returned and seemed to have formed a bond found only among siblings. The trip was declared a success by all and Eugene dually praised, for it was his idea that they spend time together.

The day after they returned, I found myself alone with Heath. We spoke about the events of that night and we agreed that our emotions had simply been heightened by the incident in town. I had thought that there might be an awkwardness that remained between us, but things seemed to return to normal. As he left the room, I studied him once more and firmly decided that he was not the man I had been having such vivid dreams about.

That evening, the family received an invitation to a ball at the end of the month, hosted by the governor himself. As a houseguest of the Barkley's, I too was naturally included. Audra promptly declared that nothing in her wardrobe was suitable for such an occasion and that we simply must go to San Francisco for new ball gowns. From the comments made by the members of the family, I concluded that this was not an uncommon request.

Victoria acquiesced and soon we were making plans for our journey. It was decided that Audra and I would accompany Sarah and Jarrod to the city, and then Sarah would return with us to Stockton in a fortnight. Jarrod would have to stay behind due to a case he was involved in.

Three days later I found myself aboard a train bound for San Francisco. As we were in close quarters, I was able to observe Jarrod and Sarah more closely. Sarah seems to glow with love for him. If they are near one another they are touching in some small, almost unnoticeable, waył his hand on the small of her back or her fingers intertwined with his. It is as if they are two halves of the same soul. That is what I wish for Vi. And it was at that moment that I began to not only question my engagement to Jacob, but also my feelings for him. I resigned myself to concentrating on finding a ball gown and pushed Jacob to the back of my mind.

The hotel where audra and I stayed was simply wonderful. Anything we needed was at our beck and callłan amenity which Audra is most fond of, I might add. Jarrod and Sarah stayed at the small house that he keeps in the city. The more I see of them together, the more I realize just how in love they are, and how I long to have someone look at me the way he looks at her.

I could hardly believe it when our trip came to an end. The time simply rushed by in a haze of shopping and socializing. After scouring the finest shops in the city, Audra finally found a gown she deemed suitable for the Governor's Ball. She helped me choose a gown that I think you would approve of. It is a deep sapphire color, simply cut but yet elegant. I do believe that I have been on more social calls in the past two weeks than I have been on in the past two years! In fact, I had to beg off a call with Audra this very afternoon so that I might finally get a letter posted to my dear sister.

Dear Vi, I just this minute received a telegram from Victoria. It seems that Nick will arriving tomorrow to sign some papers for Jarrod. He will then esscort us back to Stockton the day after. I'm afraid I must leave my letter to you unfinished and begin the arduous task of packing. It will surely take a day just to pack all of Audra's newest additions to her wardrobe.

I promise to be a dutiful sister and write to you upon my return to Stockton. Tell my little Daisyhead how much Auntie Lil misses her.

All my love,

Sherry wrote:

October 16, 1877

Dearest Violet,

I fear that my whole world had turned askew since I last sat down to write to you. It has only been three days, but those three days have seen many changes in my life. The first of which happened on the day before we left the city.

I had just returned to my room after lunch to finish my packing, when a bellman delivered a message that a gentleman was waiting for me downstairs. I naturally assumed it was Nick, as he was due in any minute. However, I was shocked to find out the identity of my guest. It was none other than Jacob.

I felt the color drain from my face as he greeted me. I quickly recovered my senses and suggested we take a turn about the park. I felt much too flustered to remain seated and docile. As we walked, I took the opportunity to really study him, as if I were seeing him for the first time. I suppose he could be considered handsome and somewhat charming, but not nearly so compared to the Barkleys. He's not nearly as tall or as muscular, but he has his own quiet appeal. As we continued our discourse on the business that brought him to the west coast, I found myself comparing him with one Barkley in particular.

When we returned to the hotel we found everyone in quite a state. It seemed that in my state of shock I had not left a note as to my whereabouts and all that was known was that I had left with a unknown man. Apparently, we had caused quite a stir among my travel companions. After my apologies were given, I introduced Jacob to them. They were as surprised to learn of him as I had been about Sarah. I quickly changed into more suitable eveningwear and we set out for dinner.

As it was our last night in town, Jarrod suggested we do up the town and have dinner and dancing. Dinner was lovely, though a bit awkward. Nick barely said a word to Jacob. Luckily Audra dominated the conversation with questions of life in Boston. Throughout the evening, I constantly compared Jacob to Jarrod and Nick. Jacob seemed to fall short when compared to them. I felt my heart tear into two pieces that night. I truly care about Jacob and had no desire to hurt him, yet he was not the one that night that made my heart flutter.

As we returned to the hotel, Jacob and I lingered behind the others. Just before we reached the hotel, he pulled me into the shadow of a nearby building and kissed me. I murmured his name and began to respond to him. Only, Vi, he pulled away and looked at me with a face so full of hurt that I still feel pangs of guilt. I had not uttered his name, but the name of someone else. When I realized what I had done, I tried to explain to him, but he simply kissed my forehead and said that he understood. He went on to say that he had always known that ours was a relationship built not on love, but familiarity, and that we both deserved more than what the other could offer. I couldn't help but cry as we said our good-byes. I feel as if I have lost a dear friend. I hope that you and John understand why we have canceled our engagement.

After a sleepless night, I got up the next morning to find everything gloomy. Rain had set in and cast a pall over the entire day. Nick saw to it that all of our luggage would be sent to the train station. Then we left to fetch Sarah, as she would be returning with us. And it is here that I must confess witnessing Sarah's goodbye to Jarrod.

I was not feeling well due in part to my sleepless night and the gloom of the day, so I went into the house to find a remedy for my headache. As I was leaving, I heard a noise at the top of the stairs and turned to see what it was. It was then that I saw Sarah and Jarrod in the most passionate embrace. It was as if he were a man dying of thirst and she the only thing that could quench it. My heart sank as I realized I wanted to be kissed like thatłno, I wanted to be loved like that. I felt tears sting my eyes as I realized that the one I was in love with had barely even acknowledged my presence that day.

I turned to leave, half blinded by tears, and quite literally ran into Nick on the porch steps. I tried to push past him and nearly slipped on the steps in the process. He steadied my balance, and in a rather gruff manner, told me I should be more careful. He continued into the house and left me standing there. I quickly sought solace in the carriage, ignoring attempts by Audra to make conversation.

Oh, Vi, how can I be in love with someone who so obviously doesn't return those feelings? Should I have settled for Jacob instead of wishing for Nick? I do so dread the trip to Sacramento next week. How can I survive another wordless train ride with him?

Lovingly,

Sherry wrote:

November 1, 1877

My Dearest Violet,

I regret to tell you the sorrowful mood that consumed me at the close of my last letter has not abated in the past few days. It was devastating for me to realize that Nick appears not to share my feelings of something beyond friendship between the two of us. Considering my now broken engagement to Jacob, I'm left wondering if there is any sense at all to what I have been feeling over the past few weeks. I must tell you, dear sister, it's as though I hardly know my own mind. I have experienced such a confused jumble of emotions since arriving in the west that I am really not certain anymore if it wouldn't have been wiser to simply remain in Boston and proceed with my life as it was already mapped out. At least then, I would not be floundering through each hour of the day wondering what my future holds for me if it is not Jacob and, even more miserably, not Nick.

Please forgive the moroseness of my words, Violet. But if I cannot share my torment with you, then there is truly no one who can understand. Sweet Audra has been very kind to me since our return from San Francisco. I know she senses that I am deeply distraught, but has not pushed me to explain the reason. She did inquire briefly about why I had not previously mentioned Jacob, but all I was able to tell her was that it was because I had not decided if I would indeed marry him. She gave me a sly smile but did not press me for further information, only offering a sympathetic ear if I so wished it. I do get the impression though, that she knows something but is not telling me.

Nick has been polite but distant since our return to Stockton. He barely spoke to me during the train ride and has made himself scarce for the past few days. Victoria remarked this morning at breakfast that he seemed to be pushing the men and himself quite hard, but he only responded that there was much work to be done and no time to waste in standing around looking at it! Then he hauled poor Heath (who had only just begun to eat) away from the table, mumbling something about picking up a load of barbed wire in town. Heath queried him as to whether the task actually required the two of them and Nick cast him a look that could have melted stone! After they had gone, Victoria wondered aloud what on earth could have him in such a foul temper. Again, Audra had that strange smile on her face but only replied, "Why I have no idea Mother." I was further disheartened this evening to learn that Nick is no longer sure he will be attending the Governor's Ball in Sacramento next Saturday because there are "matters to attend to on the ranch that are far more important than some frivolous party!" Part of me is relieved that I will be spared the torture of another silent train ride, but another part...one that secretly pines to throw itself at Nick Barkley's feet and confess undying love for him...is shattered at the loss of every precious moment to be with him.

Oh Violet, I just don't know what to do! How could I have been so mistaken about my feelings for Nick? Why didn't I see it sooner? I fear I have let my one true chance at happiness pass me by. Perhaps it is time for me to return to Boston and leave my broken heart behind.

With much woe,

November 11, 1877

My Dear, Dear Violet,

I am nearly bursting with joy as I write this letter to you! It is amazing to me how my life can change so drastically in the blink of an eye, but it most unquestionably has and I continually pinch myself in reassurance that this is all real and not some elaborate dream. Indeed, I barely slept a wink last night and actually woke Audra from her slumber several times to confirm the evening's events as I remember them. They will be etched in my mind forever!

To begin at the beginning...on Saturday morning, we all set off for Stockton to catch the train to Sacramento--all except Nick, of course, who reiterated his position that work must come before frivolity. On the station platform, Audra and I were chatting about the people she wanted to introduce me to at the ball when a young man happened to bump into us. He was quite flustered when he realized who he had jostled, and retreated quickly without so much as an apology. I commented on his rudeness but Audra told me he was just embarrassed because she had turned down his offer of marriage six months ago and had been desperately avoiding her ever since. Without really thinking, I remarked that it was understandable and that I might behave in the same manner were I to encounter Jacob anytime soon. Audra's eyes widened at my revelation and I was forced to explain the broken engagement. Once again, she gave me that smile and said ,"I knew it!" Before I could ask precisely what she meant by that, Audra excused herself and spoke to her mother briefly before exiting back through the station. Victoria then explained that Audra had forgotten an important item at the ranch and would follow us to Sacramento on the next train. I was somewhat puzzled by her abrupt departure, but soon I was distracted by the lively conversation between Victoria and Sarah about Jarrod's current court case. There was some concern about whether he would be able to escape San Francisco in time for the Governor's Ball, but Sarah informed us that she had sent a wire to his office just that morning declaring he'd better show up on time, or they would be having words! She was laughing when she said it, but I do think there was some truth in the statement.

By the time we were ready to leave the ball that evening, Audra had still not arrived. I tried to insist that we wait for her, but Victoria assured me everything was under control and not to worry. Jarrod, at least, arrived at the appointed hour, making a grand statement that he wouldn't dare be tardy and incur the wrath of his beautiful bride. I blushed during his greeting with Sarah for they seemed to be absolutely lost in each other. It took every ounce of strength I could muster to push down my feelings of regret about Nick. Fortunately, my melancholy was short-lived because as soon as we entered the majestic ballroom of the Governor's mansion, I was transported into another world of elegance and splendor. Violet, it was like nothing I'd ever witnessed before! I was introduced to so many wealthy and notable people, all friends of the Barkley family, I could barely keep them all straight. The Governor himself is a most gracious man and clearly holds Jarrod in very high regard.

Shortly after this, Audra appeared at my side, and asked me if I was enjoying the evening. I expressed my relief that she had finally arrived safely and her response was to roll her eyes and complain that it took her forever to convince Nick that she simply couldn't travel to Sacramento unaccompanied. I was, of course, stunned to hear that not only had he made the trip, but that he was in attendance at the Ball as well. Violet when, I looked over and saw him standing with Jarrod and Sarah, my heart began to ache in a way I never thought possible. Audra read my thoughts as though they were her own and simply said to me, "Lily, why don't you just tell him how you feel?" I was mortified at the suggestion, knowing full well that I would be merely laying my soul bare to someone who didn't share those emotions. I tearfully told Audra exactly that and made a hasty exit onto the terrace to collect myself.

When Audra joined me a few minutes later, I apologized for my outburst but she was very kind and told me she understood about such things. Dear Violet, it must have been that I had sipped a trifle too much champagne but I soon found myself disclosing all my secret reflections and deliberations about Jacob, my fervent desire for a love like the one shared by Jarrod and Sarah, and my sorrowful conclusion that Nick did not love me as I loved him. Audra listened patiently to my ramblings and when I'd finally finished, she laid her hand on my arm. "Lily," she said to me, "you're wrong. Nick does love you." I stared at her for a very long moment before I was able to reply, "But how do you know?" Audra opened her mouth to answer my question but I saw her suddenly shift her gaze to over my right shoulder. A broad grin appeared on her face and I heard a deep voice rumble behind me. "Because I told her." I whirled around to face Nick but I was rendered absolutely speechless. He had to repeat himself before I was jolted back to my senses. The next thing I knew, I was wrapped in his arms being kissed with an intense longing exclusive only to those who have found their true heart companion. We held each other for the longest time, Violet. I don't even remember Audra leaving us. The rest of the evening, we danced, and talked and laughed. Not a single member of the family seemed surprised at the turn of events, least of all Audra who was indeed quite instrumental in allowing it all to come to pass.

So there is my story Violet. I know this all must come as a bit of a shock to you, especially considering how recently things ended with Jacob. The truth of it is, though, that Jacob and I were over a very long time ago and it just took us both time to realize it. With Nick, I know I have found the love of my life and I have at least learned enough about myself over the past few months to recognize that as well. I will write to you again once we return to Stockton. For now, be assured that I am happier than I have ever been in my entire life.

Your most loving,

My dearest sister:

What are your plans for next May? Please say you will make the journey to Stockton, for Nick and I are to be married on the 12th and you simply must be my matron of honor. Oh Violet, it's true, Nick has proposed to me. I am filled with an indescribable joy and yet at the same time I feel so utterly content knowing that I will soon wed my life's true love.

Nick's proposal was so amazing, yet so sweet. Violet, I know that you remember Nick as a bit on the rough and shall I say boisterous side. While that is certainly true, and one of the many things I love about him -- it truly does not describe the real man. Nick is romantic, sensitive and his proposal fulfilled every dream and childhood fantasy I have ever had about this, so very special occasion.

I have to admit to a bit of a disappointment following the ball. When we returned to the hotel a telegram was waiting for Nick urging him to return to the ranch as quickly as possible. It seems a number of the new mustangs from last months' roundup had taken sick and the disease was quickly spreading throughout the entire Barkley herd. Strangles I believe the disease was called and it appears to be highly contagious. At any rate, Nick had just enough time to catch the early train back to Stockton.

I know it sounds selfish to say, but I must admit that I was quite dispirited after Nick left. I had been eagerly anticipating the train ride back to Stockton. It's quite a lovely trip and I was looking forward to sharing it with Nick. I almost suggested that I go back alone with him and that the rest of the family could follow on Monday as planned. You must think me completely scandalous my dearest Violet, but it seems where Nick is concerned I almost know no shame. However, I did recover my senses before making such an outlandish suggestion and sadly bid Nick a quick goodbye. I do believe he had as difficult a time leaving as I had letting him go. There in the hotel lobby in the presence of everyone he gave me the tenderest embrace and kiss and said he would be counting the hours until I returned to Stockton. I felt my cheeks flush as I noticed his family watching the two of us. While I know they too must have been terribly concerned about the horses, Jarrod especially had the largest grin on his face and slapped Nick on the back as he left, saying "welcome to the club, brother." Nick just gave him a funny little smile and nodded saying "thanks Pappy, you keep that fancy suit clean you hear -- you'll be wearing it again soon." I blushed, realizing they were referring to marriage.

The next two days seemed like two weeks. Audra took me to dozens of dress and millinery shops and we even had a beautiful dinner atop Knob Hill with a breathtaking view of San Francisco Bay at sunset. But, I admit my mind and hearts was back in Stockton and I took very little note of any of San Francisco's numerous charms.

Finally Monday arrived and we boarded the afternoon train back to Stockton and my beloved Nick. The trip began very uneventfully. Audra was chattering away about the new clothes she had bought and which parties she would wear them to. I have to admit to you that I was lost in my own thoughts and really was not paying a lot of attention to what she was saying. That is probably why at first I did not notice the commotion at the window. The other passengers were pointing and remarking excitedly about something taking place outside. When I looked I saw a rider had come along side the train from the east and was galloping towards the caboose. Oh Violet, my heart nearly stopped at the sight of that rider, for I almost immediately recognized that it was Nick approaching the train! While Nick is most certainly handsome when dressed up as he was for the ball, there is something about Nick in his working clothes, astride his horse that literally takes my breath away. Everyone on the train watched as Nick came around the caboose and galloped up the other side. I nearly died of fright as I realized Nick intended to board the train by leaping from the back of his horse. But that is exactly what he did. Violet, I truly lost all sense of propriety. I ran to the back of the train and met Nick on the platform of the caboose. I fell into his arms, and he placed his hands on my face and brought my lips to his. I truly intended to scold him for pulling such a dangerous stunt but at that moment he dropped to one knee and took my hands in his. He looked up at me with those beautiful gold and blue eyes and said, "Lily, I couldn't wait even one more hour to hold you in my arms. I love you beyond words. Lily, please say you'll marry me."

Oh Violet, I was both crying and laughing as I pulled him up and to me nodding and telling him of course I would marry him. We embraced for quite some time, then stood quietly hand in hand watching the sun set as the beautiful valley of hills and oaks spread out before us.

Violet, I don't know what life holds in store for Nick and me but I do know that it will never be dull and that for the first time in my life I feel completely at peace knowing that I have found my one true love and soulmate.

Your loving sister,

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