Lily's Letters - Part II

By Sherry, Patricia, Maria, Dianne, Keesha, Tally, Linda, Elayn

Disclaimer: The characters and situations of the TV program "Big Valley" are the creations of Four Star/Republic Pictures and have been used without permission. No copyright infringement is intended.

Lilly sends letters to her sister Violet back east describing life in the Big Valley.

Tally wrote:

Friday, August 31, 1877

Darling Violet,

I am mortified beyond consolation!

In my earlier letters I confided my growing attraction to Jarrod, his kindness, my attempt to draw him out. His gentle rejection and subsequent avoidance.

I have just discovered he is married! -- And will soon celebrate his first anniversary! No one said anything! Audra should have said something in a letter, or Eugene when we first became reacquainted. Surely Jarrod should have at least hinted he was not free. Why does he not wear a wedding band?

Oh, Violet! I feel so ashamed! The sorrow I thought was for me the other night, now seen in this new light, was his own, missing his love.

Her name is Sarah. She has been away for the past six weeks, visiting family in Ohio.

But let me start from the beginning. This morning we were up at dawn as usual, but Jarrod had already gone into town. When I asked why, I was told he wanted to get business wrapped up quickly because he had to meet the noon train. No other explanation was offered.

But as Nick and Heath left the dining room to tend to their work, I overheard Nick tell Heath if he hadn’t seen someone like Sarah for more than a month, he "sure wouldn’t be bringing her home to a house-full of family straight away."

A very odd and quite rude comment I thought, but it certainly roused my curiosity.

After breakfast, I retired to my room to take care of other correspondence. Around 10 o’clock, my thoughts were interrupted by the sound of a great deal of activity downstairs. I decided to investigate and found Victoria directing Nick, Heath and Eugene in the rearrangement of the furniture in the foyer and parlor. Audra joined me, coming into the upstairs hall from the back stairs, her arms full of fresh, yellow roses.

I asked what was going on and she simply replied Jarrod was bringing Sarah home. Before I could ask who Sarah was, she was gone into Jarrod’s room and Victoria was calling me downstairs to help her make a decision about placing some of the furniture.

Once the task was finished, I remarked to Victoria that this Sarah must be a very important visitor. She gave me a strange look, then said Sarah wasn’t a visitor, Sarah is Jarrod’s wife. The furniture was being rearranged to see if it would accommodate the small ceremony they were planning for their anniversary celebration in a few weeks.

Violet, I swear, I almost swooned. I had made such a fool of myself! How was I ever to face Jarrod again? And this woman, I could not stand the thought of meeting her. Not from jealously certainly, but from humiliation. But I had no choice. There was no place to go. So, I come to you with this terrible disgrace.

Evening

So, just a little more than two hours later, I joined the family at the front door as they gathered to greet the happy couple. Nick stepped into the drive to steady the horse as Jarrod climbed from the carriage to assist his companion down.

The woman who alighted was so lovely, Violet. But of course she would be to have won Jarrod’s heart. Her complexion is very fair and fine, her hair a radiant golden red. She is Victoria’s height, but not so slight, she has a striking, womanly form. The family all greeted her with great warmth and affection as Jarrod looked on ... and I stole a studying glance at him.

Oh, Violet! To have a man look at me as Jarrod looked at his Sarah! It is as if the sun and moon and all the stars rose and set with her. When he finally drew her to his side from his family’s embrace, she looked up at him with that same adoration. They are so openly - and so passionately - in love!

I am certain my feelings for Jacob -- and his for me -- are but a shadow of what Sarah and Jarrod Barkley share. I despair of ever knowing what is to be that in love with anyone!

Then he introduced us. He brought her to me and she smiled, a wide, bright, embracing smile and took my hands in hers saying, "Lily, so lovely. I am so happy to meet such a dear friend of the family’s." Her voice was soft, slightly melodious and educated, but wonderfully sincere and her blue-gray eyes so sparkling and kind.

My shamed heart melted at her tenderness to me, Violet. Surely, Jarrod would not have hinted at my foolishness, but if he did, she did not let on. She put me totally at ease, and I replied the pleasure was mine. Then I made a terrible blunder, adding "Surprising, but a pleasure."

She looked at me wonderingly and repeated the word, "Surprising?" I was caught, I had to admit to them all at once that I had not heard Jarrod had married until that very day. They were all stunned, they could not believe I did not know this monumental news. Then they all asked why hadn’t one or the other told me, or wrote to me. Why had no one given the news to either of us?

Jarrod settled things by saying it had been a busy time and with all the other news, with Heath’s arrival, the railroad and the dam, it simply must have slipped everyone’s mind and no one was the wiser. But, now I knew and I could let you know too. Then he ushered us all inside, where lunch was waiting.

We were quite a collection at that big table, expanded slightly to accommodate our growing number. Victoria was at the head, her back to the windows, Audra sat at her right and Heath was at her left. I was next to Audra and across from Gene. Sarah was beside me and at Jarrod’s left, where he sat at the foot of the table, with Nick at his right, across from Sarah.

The topic of conversation at lunch was Sarah’s visit with her family in Ohio. Apparently Jarrod had gone back with her to meet his in-laws, and they had planned to return together, but someone, her mother I believe, became ill, and she was forced to stay behind. He could not remain with her because of his work. At that, Jarrod took his wife’s hand and said fervently, for all of us to hear, "Never again, my darling young lady. We are never going to be apart that long ever again, I promise you that right now." Sarah replied that was one thing she would not argue with him about.

That caused the whole family to laugh heartily and Sarah blushed brightly. She said in an aside to me, that I should not pay any attention to this crew, and certainly not when they told me about the rocky road she and Jarrod had traveled to the altar. Jarrod laughed even more at that, then leaned over and kissed her cheek. She turned to him, smiling, and his whole expression changed.

Sarah was all Jarrod saw at that moment and she was all he wanted. ... Violet, you have confided to me that you have a heart and soul binding, unspoken connection with John, but I have never witnessed it. It was shocking to see, but it was also thrilling. Then the moment was gone. Victoria cleared her throat and Nick gave his older brother a swift kick under the table.

I wonder if Jacob will ever look at me like that.

The luncheon conversation suddenly took on a rapid fire pace, circling away from Sarah and Jarrod to the rest of us and all that we had been doing while Sarah had been away. The couple stood it as long as they could, then Jarrod excused the two of them, saying he wanted to show Sarah the progress on their house. He grabbed her hand and practically lifted her out of the chair as he beat a hasty retreat from the company of his loving family.

Such jovial laughter followed them out of the dining room I could not help but smile myself, then I found myself locked in a happy gaze with Nick. And something touched my heart. It was so odd, Violet. I wondered if I was having some sort of attack. It was not unpleasant though, but it made me catch my breath just a little.

It was nearly dark when Jarrod and Sarah finally returned. By then, Audra had told me the tale of what was indeed a rocky road to the altar for them and some of the obstacles they have had to overcome since their marriage.

Sarah came to Stockton only about 18 months ago to help a member of her family and take a job at one of the local newspapers. Audra met her on the train, coming from our dear friend Susan Chandler’s wedding in Omaha.

They became fast friends and Audra had decided to try to play matchmaker, targeting Jarrod as the best candidate for Sarah. In her first attempt to bring them together, in early February 1876, the day their train arrived, the two ended up arguing with each other about Sarah’s work. From there, to hear Audra tell it, things seemed to go steadily down hill, just about every time Jarrod and Sarah saw one another they would have another disagreement. Audra said at one point they had such a serious quarrel, Sarah was prepared to walk all the way to town from the ranch rather than let Jarrod drive her. Yet, they kept being thrown together and attempting to be friends.

Finally in April, when Gene came home for his Easter recess from college, they somehow made it through to the other side and began keeping pleasant company with one another. Shortly after that, Jarrod’s work called him away at length to San Francisco and Sacramento. However, when he finally returned they became engaged - in fact, that happened the same day Heath arrived and made his shocking claims, rather eclipsing their announcement I’m sure.

In early October 1876, they married and by Christmas were expecting their first child. Then most tragically, shortly after the first of this year, they lost the child to a miscarriage caused by a violent attack by a man Jarrod had put in prison . Apparently the man - Hyatt I think Audra said - had threatened to kill Jarrod and when he was released attempted to make good the threat. But Sarah was shot instead and lost her baby, very nearly dying as well.

Oh, Violet, it was such a dark and horrible time for Jarrod, Audra said. He went after the man and might have killed him had not Nick and Heath caught up with them and intervened.

There have been other upheavals as well, and Audra suspects there most likely will be more in the future. Yet, there they were today, an awe inspiring testament to the power of their love and passion ... How they looked at one another, how they were so often touching, staying close.

After dinner, I went out for the evening air. I found a quiet spot in the summer house in the garden and marveled at what I had witnessed today. It made me want to cry, but before a single teardrop fell, Nick was in the entrance claiming my attention. He came and sat by me and made a remark that made me realize he admired the relationship Sarah and Jarrod had as much as I did ... And almost as shocking as anything I had learned today, admitted he longs for that kind of love just as fervently as I do.

Then I shocked myself, Violet, I told Nick I knew exactly what he meant.

He turned and studied me with the sweetest, most intent expression on his face. He reached up and touched the tear that had escaped onto my cheek, then kissed it away. So tender. He pulled back then, and told me we would both find it when we were meant to.

Nick stood up then and held his hand out to me, saying it was time to go inside. Sarah had brought everyone gifts. I kept my hands in my lap and said she surely could not have brought me anything. He laughed and said she had. Even though all of them had forgot to let us know Jarrod had married Sarah, they had not been so absent minded about letting her know I was visiting.

He reached down and picked up both my hands and fairly lifted me to my feet, sweeping me back into the cheeriness of this happy, loving family who, with their laughter and tenderness, had wiped away all my earlier secret humiliation as if it were that single tear.

Tonight I will sleep easy, dear, Vi. I believe Nick is right, I will find the kind of love Sarah and Jarrod have when I am meant to. And so will he.

Your most loving sister,

Linda wrote:

September 17th 1877.

My dearest Sister, I owe you an apology for the delay in replying to your last letter, much has happened here and oh Violet, I am in such torment, I scarce know what to do. Do not, I beg of you be alarmed, I have come to no harm, it is my mind that is in turmoil. You were against my visit here Vi, you told me so, I remember what you said, that I would never resolve my doubts and fears about my future with Jacob at such a distance. You advised me to stay in Boston and fight it out honourably with my betrothed. I wouldn't listen to you would I? I was convinced that what I needed was space and time to think matters over. So I came across the country to visit our old stamping ground and have been received here with extraordinary kindness. Oh Violet, I am so unhappy, I swear I wish I was dead! Forgive me Violet, I must sound perfectly hysterical, I will try to compose myself and explain the confusion of my mind to you.

I never thought when I came here that I might feel any attraction to a man other than my Fiance but so it has proved. It began on the train journey here, when I discovered that the little boy we used to tease was little no longer! Eugene Barkley is a self-possessed handsome young man, gracious and impeccably well-mannered. He has wavy light brown hair and those Barkley blue eyes! He and I have become firm friends and yes Sister, I could most easily fancy myself more than friends with him, if I permitted my feelings to surface.

I have already told you of the much stronger emotion Jarrod Barkley stirred in me, and of my subsequent embarrassment when his wife Sarah reappeared. Both Jarrod and Sarah have been all that is kind and considerate since then and I am at ease in their company. Sister you should see the cashmere shawl Sarah bestowed upon me, it is exquisite. But Violet, could I have been so smitten with Jarrod if my heart was indeed settled upon my Jacob? I don't know, I simply don't know.

As you already know dear Sister, Nick Barkley and I shared a most tender moment in the summer house here when he clearly showed me that my original assessment of his character was far off the mark. I had thought him a rather boorish fellow and one with whom I had little in common. He has since demonstrated several times in these few weeks that he is a man of many parts. He is the acknowledged boss of all matters relating to the running of this ranch, his brother Heath works closely with him but defers to Nick in most things. Nick is clearly a man accustomed to command, as I have found! More of that later Violet. To my surprise, Nick is a good dancer and is at home in the ballroom as well as the saddle. We have conversed on many topics and I find he is a prodigious reader and altogether more educated than I had supposed. He remains in this valley not from lack of ambition or talent but because he is happy here. Indeed I find his zest for life and enjoyment of his surroundings infectious. So much so that when I am with him, I can submerge my troubles and take more pleasure in life than I had imagined to be possible.

That encounter in the summer house revealed to me that Nick desires the intense kind of love that Jarrod and Sarah share as ardently as I do. So vital and alive a man could surely settle for nothing less fulfilling than the kind of marriage that his elder brother has achieved. Sadly Violet, that night also showed me that I am not destined to be his love. I believe I told you that when he was helping me to regain my riding skills, he smiled at me and my heart turned right over! I almost disgraced myself by falling off my horse. He is a very masculine man of course but ruggedly handsome and I have experienced his gentle compassion. He was all that is understanding that night in the summer house, but it was the sort of brotherly kindness he shows to Audra and I knew then that he was not destined to be mine. Violet, if he had wanted me, I firmly believe that my heart could have been won. What does this say about my betrothal to Jacob? You see how dreadfully mixed up your little sister is. Can you wonder at my present wretchedness?

It was never my intention to confide to anyone here the details of my engagement, let alone the terrible doubts that assail me, but I had not bargained for the keen and perceptive intelligence of my hostess. Victoria Barkley is a shrewd and experienced woman and though I cannot now tell you exactly how it came about, I found myself a few days ago pouring out my heart to her. I told her everything and waited a little apprehensively for her to condemn my behaviour in flirting with, I confess, all four of her sons at different times. She did not do so, rather she tried to help me resolve the true state of my feelings and was so understanding that I shed a few tears. She embraced me very kindly and offered me a piece of advice. She said I should not try to force myself to a decision about my engagement but should instead try to relax and enjoy my visit. She pointed out that I was too far distant from Jacob to decide the matter here and that to do so would be unfair to both him and to myself. I found this to be wise counsel and I have endeavoured to turn my thoughts outward from the destructive introspection I have been subjecting myself to.

For a time at least I have succeeded in doing so, I have diverted myself in two ways. Firstly, by enjoying the various entertainments and pleasures that have been showered on me by this hospitable and fun loving family. These have been many and pleasant, ranging from picnics and rides to glittering parties and dances. Secondly, I have been observing the relationships of the Barkleys to one another and have discovered that even the happiest of families has it's undercurrents and tensions.

I was made aware almost at once that all is not well between Eugene and his new half brother Heath. There is no overt hostility displayed but Gene is, to my eyes at least, jealous of the growing closeness of Heath and Nick. I have already said that Heath works side by side with Nick so their developing affection is, in my opinion, hardly surprising. I know Victoria has noticed it for I heard her remark to Jarrod that a deep bond was forming between Heath and Nick. It is evidently a source of deep satisfaction to her and I can only admire her for she clearly accepts Heath as a son and holds him in as much affection as the others. A remarkable woman Victoria. the other day, Nick and Heath were talking ranch business in the area near the corral. Gene was there too and tried to interrupt with a thought of his own. Nick peremptorily told him to hold his tongue, and continued to argue his point with Heath. Audra didn't help matters, she teased Gene calling him college boy and he virtually snarled at her. Audra had already told me that both she and Gene worship Nick, so imagine my surprise at what happened next. Having finished his talk with Heath, Nick turned to Gene to find out what Gene had wanted to say. Gene however vaulted into the saddle angrily saying "what the Devil do you care what I think Nick?" Then he galloped away. Nick made nothing of it but I saw Heath looking thoughtful as Gene rode off. Heath knows, I believe, that Gene resents him.

Audra has a conventional relationship with Heath and Gene, she teases them and they tease her back. She has, I think, a surprisingly warm relationship with Heath considering how short a time he has been her brother. Her relationship with Nick is different, he is not the Father figure Jarrod is but clearly she looks up to him and accepts his authority over her. Especially, in matters relating to her safety, particularly where horses are concerned. Last week she disobeyed Nick, he had told her not to try riding a new and restive young horse he had under training. She did so, getting thrown and almost trampled in the process. It was not altogether her fault, she let Gene goad her into it really. Nick was coldly furious and told her to accompany him into the house. She refused but he said very well, if she preferred to hear what he had to say in public, they could discuss it there in the corral!

She hastened indoors with him, and oh Violet, you should have heard the telling off he administered! I did not mean to overhear but Nick's voice has a carrying quality to put it mildly, especially when he is angry. He warned Audra that he would make her regret the day she was born if she disobeyed him again and I for one believed him. I swear Vi, my knees were knocking and I was out by the corral! When the dressing down was over, Audra ran from the library straight up to her room. I hesitated uncertain what to do, she and I had been intending to visit a nearby ranch. The people there had been away since the start of my visit, so I was to be introduced to them. I quailed slightly when Nick strode out of the house and brought his horse over to me. He reassured me with his lovely smile and apologised for his sister's absence. He offered to escort me in Audra's place and was all that is attentive and kind all afternoon. I think he is a wonderful person Vi, but I am glad he is not my mentor.

You will have noticed, dear, shrewd and discerning sister that I have so far said little about Heath Barkley, other than to relate his history to you. I am afraid my first impressions of Heath were as inaccurate as were my impressions of Nick. At first I thought him sullen, moody, even morose. He would sit silently while the noisy gaiety of this lively family ebbed and flowed around him. Later I came to understand, thanks to my new friend Sarah, that Heath is inexperienced in this kind of family life and is content to listen and I think revel in the atmosphere. I have already mentioned Heath's growing affinity with Nick, but, again through Sarah, I have learned that he is developing a different but equally close relationship with Jarrod. Indeed, I saw a tiny example of this two days ago, Sarah, Jarrod and I were in the living room together when Heath came in. He asked Jarrod if he could talk to him in private, and Jarrod rose at once and with a smiling "excuse us ladies" he and Heath headed for the library. He put a friendly hand on Heath's shoulder as they went and asked if there was trouble. No, not trouble, Heath replied just he needed some advice. What are eldest brothers for responded Jarrod. I do not know the subject of their conversation, but it appears that Heath now turns to "Pappy" as Sarah tells me his siblings call Jarrod as naturally as the others do. These insights into family relationships have helped me both to understand the nature of my hosts and also to feel more at home here.

Goodness Vi, what a long letter this is, and I still haven't told you the cause of my current distress. It concerns Heath actually, and it came about as follows. I badly needed to visit the Stockton dressmaker patronised by the Barkley ladies, however, I am not supposed to go into town alone and at first it seemed there was no-one to go with me. Audra is sulking a little with Jarrod and with Nick at present and keeps going off to lie down. Victoria was spending the day at the nearby orphanage, Jarrod and Sarah were off somewhere together and Nick was working in the barn with his beloved horses. Eugene was chained to the desk in the study with a college assignment overdue for completion. Jarrod having made it crystal clear that he was not to stir until it was completed. Heath is a courteous and kind young man, I have noticed that Audra has only to mention that she intends to go riding and by the time she gets to the barn, Heath will have groomed and saddled her horse for her.

It was he who came to my rescue now, offering to take me into town himself. I did ask if Nick would be cross about him neglecting his work and he grinned and said, probably, it would be nice for Nick to have something to yell about. I gratefully accepted his escort and we had a most pleasant ride into Stockton. We left our horses at the Livery stable and Heath walked with me towards the dressmakers shop. Then Violet, something very unpleasant happened. Two rough looking men barred our way and began to insult Heath, I will not go into what they said, except that they harped on the circumstances of his birth and were as coarse as could be. Heath tried to steer me away, ignoring them, but they were determined to force a quarrel on him and both suddenly launched themselves in an attack on him.

Heath thrust me into a shop doorway out of harm's way and did his best to defend himself, at first he was getting the worst of it, after all there were two of them. Soon however, his dogged courage and fighting skills prevailed and scarcely before I had caught my breath, his opponents were lying in the dirt at Heath's feet. He had a cut lip, a bloody nose and a ripped shirt, but he was victorious. Suddenly another man attacked him from behind as he headed toward me, I darted forward to warn him and received a glancing blow to my cheek from the ruffian. Heath felled him with a mighty punch and helped me up from the wooden sidewalk where I had fallen. My hurt cheek felt huge and I had also grazed my other cheek on the floor. Heath was most concerned, but I am proud to say Violet that I neither swooned nor had the vapours.

At this point the Sheriff arrived on the scene and seemed inclined to blame poor Heath. Perhaps he doesn't yet know him very well, anyway, I was able to set matters straight and Heath escorted me home. Here, poor Heath found himself in even hotter water, Victoria had come home, so had Jarrod and Sarah. Nick saw our battered appearance as we arrived. The scene was confused, Audra exclaiming at my hurts, Victoria demanding an explanation of Heath and Jarrod and Nick eyeing Heath with stern faces. Heath refused to go into the exact circumstances and I didn't blame him for that. I did not betray him, but did my best to assure everyone Heath was not to blame. My efforts were only partially successful, Nick told Heath he should have protected me better and Victoria said Heath had let her down. Jarrod demanded the details again and Heath could stand no more. He compressed his lips, shouldering his way past Jarrod and out of the front door.

I am afraid I rather lost my temper with them all and angrily said they were being unjust, then I ran after poor Heath. I found him in the barn brushing his beloved Charger, I was crying and told him how sorry I was. He laid down the brush and opened his arms to me. Oh Vi, he is so handsome and strong, I am no wanton, I swear, but it seemed the most natural thing in the world to walk into his arms and I did. he held me so tenderly, soothing my distress and then he tilted up my chin and kissed me gently, but lovingly on the lips. I responded to him, but almost at once he put me gently from him. He said quietly, "you should go inside now, we'll talk properly tomorrow. Don't worry about what everyone thinks, everything will be alright, I promise."

I left him then, my heart in a glow, and Vi, no single thought of Jacob crossed my mind. What manner of creature am I? I went straight up to my room, was it my imagination, or were Victoria's shrewd eyes boring into my back as I climbed the broad staircase? I dined in my room and was about to settle into bed when I heard Heath go into his own room. Almost at once I heard angry voices and realised the other person with Heath was Eugene. I could not hear their words but I gathered that Gene was mad about something and Heath from his quiet tone was reasoning with him. It went quiet so he had evidently succeeded and they stayed talking for a long time. To my surprise, I slept well and woke with that same warm glow, we would talk today, Heath and I.

Despite my battered appearance I went down to breakfast in better spirits than I had enjoyed for many weeks. Most of the family were assembled already, the only absentees were Eugene and the person I most wanted to see. I waited impatiently for Heath's arrival, and presently Silas brought the food to the table. He handed his mistress a folded note which she read at once. Her eyebrows rose, she sighed slightly and calmly desired Audra to say Grace. Jarrod and Nick looked a query at her and Victoria said something which gave me a bitter shock. She told us all that Heath and Eugene had gone on a trip to the Barkley hunting lodge. This is situated well to the North, though still on their own extensive lands. Victoria said that they would be absent for a week. Nick shouted "what!" in a voice loud enough to rattle the chandelier. In unison, his Mother and Jarrod told him to lower his voice. I heard myself exclaim aloud that it was ridiculous, I regretted the outburst at once, but too late, I had said it. Fortunately, everyone was surprised and no-one remarked on what I had said. Again I felt Victoria's enigmatic eyes upon me and I am sure I blushed hotly. Nick was complaining loudly that he was being left to do all the work, this with a heavy scowl in Jarrod's direction. Jarrod smiled quizzically at him and assured Nick he would hurry home to help him just as soon as he completed some important work in town.

As soon as I decently could I sought refuge in the library saying I must write to you, as indeed I now am. Oh God in Heaven Violet, what is the meaning of all this? Why has Heath gone, did I misinterpret his actions yesterday? I am in worse turmoil, no, torment, than when I came to this place. I wish with all my heart that I never had come here at all. Help me beloved Sister, what on earth am I to do now, what in Heaven's name am I to do now?

Your Ever-Loving, Ever-Erring Sister

Continue to Part III		Back to Part II
Return to Home Page		Return to the Library Catalog