A year came and went
One year, it was to be the most special night
Of our time together
Just over a month ago
The sixteenth of November, you see
And I planned for that day
I escaped job training
I wore my pink sweater
The very pink sweater I am wearing right now
I wore it with my khaki skirt. I never wear skirts, but
I wore it with my khaki skirt just for you. All for you.
It was going to be a special night. But you ruined it.
You were not home. You went to see a movie. And on any other day, it would not have mattered.
But this was our one year anniversary. One fucking year.
There may be two years and three years
But there will never be another one year anniversary.
Ever.
We will never get that day back and it is all your fault and I really don't know why.
You were at a movie.
Do you want to know what I did?
I denied it for some time, hoping you would come home
And when I finally realized that you would not, I sat upstairs
In my dark room by the light of one solitary candle
And I cried. I had not cried in over a year. But I cried.
I cried for three hours and I lay on my bed, alone.
I was so cold and I was so sad and I was so empty and
I had no one to turn to to warm me up or cheer me up or fill me up.
I was completely and entirely alone and I was sobbing.
And you watched a movie
You laughed, unaware of my sadness.
You watched, unaware of my pain.
Your damn movie was more important to you than our one year anniversary.
Well fuck you.
And the next day I talked to you
And you cried and I comforted you.
You know what? I shouldn't have comforted you. Cold and alone in the dark.
You deserve to lie there and think that no one loves you.
you deserve to lie and cry and know that you are completely alone and you have no one to whom you can turn.
You deserve to be as alone as I was.
Maybe then you will truly understand how
Sad, Hurt, Empty, Unloved, Unwanted, and Worthless I felt
Because of you. All because of you.
You try to feel this and then you try to keep a damn promise about self-mutilation on top of it.
Do you want to see hell?
Then find someone negligent and uncaring enough to leave you alone on your one special night.
Oh, people like that aren't hard to find. I found one.
Do you even know what it's like to feel so alone and empty and cold and worthless? Do you know what it's like to think that death is the best possible alternative because you can't feel pain if you are dead? You probably don't.
You deserve to.

12.20.99