Were You Really Here?

Looking back it's hard to see
Just where I came from
Were you all really here
Or was it all a dream?

I have vague memories of mother
Cooking, cleaning and baking
It was oh, so long ago
But were you really there?

I've been on my own
For so many years now
It seems I've always been
All grown up all my life

And then there was father
Playing his accordion after work
Drinking a beer and reading the paper
Eating suppers at the table
He always sat at the end
But he's been gone for such
A long time
Were you really here?

Let me count the years
Since I've been alone now
Holding in my sorrow
That I've been learning to let out now
For 34 years father's been gone
Mother's been gone 31

I'm 45 now and I've healed so much
I've come too far to go back
Forward is forever where I'll go
I'm finally able to not look back

Back at the violence in my world
Where kids stay quiet and still
Hoping we wouldn't get hit
For something we said or did

When Dad was hungover
Or fighting with Mother
Anything would trigger Dad
Into a violent rage
I hated him for it

At the supper table Mom and Dad
Would throw food at each other
I still remember ketchup on the ceiling
Dad throwing his coffee on Mom
Then us kids would all start crying
And Dad would yell at us "Shut-up!"

This thing called Recovery
I wish you all could have had it
Your lives would have been better
You would have liked yourselves
So much more
But were you really here?

Maybe I imagined it all
It's all a big dream
You've been gone such a long time
The tears are flowing now
Mother, were you really here?

I was your second daughter
I never did fit in
Always marched to my own drum
And I paid for it dearly

Keep the "family secret"
Tell no one what's really going on
I spilled the beans and then
I wasn't even believed

I got beat up for telling
Do you know to this day
I have a hard time trusting people
I'm always afraid they will not believe me

There's still a little girl inside
Who's hurting really badly
Tears streaming down my face
I can't believe you were really here

How could you leave me Mommy
To fend for myself
I was only 14 when you left
Didn't you love me enough to stay?

I feel I'll never have the love I'm craving
My soul will never be still
I'm fighting a very hard battle
Sometimes it seems all uphill
But there have been valleys too

But I'll be strong and I will stay
I'll not leave my sons that way
Don't want them to grow up
And to me one day say

Were you really here
Was it all a dream
Did I really have a Mommy?
Oh man, I want to scream

The hurt in my heart
Feels so big like a hole
Never to heal over
Oh My Mommy, it hurts me so

But Mommy
Were you really here?