BEER TROUBLESHOOTING
- SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward
ceiling.
- SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about
house training.
- SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
- SYMPTOM Opposite wall covered with fluorescent
lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself chained to bar.
- SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See previous action.
- SYMPTOM Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is
wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part
of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.
- SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty
glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
- SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another
bar.
- SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender, take taxi
home.
- SYMPTOM: Steering wheel suddenly takes on colorful
aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal
limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.
- SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: fall on somebody cushy-looking.
- SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you
up.
ACTION: Punch the ignoramus.
- SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually
clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone within sight, just in
case it was them.
- SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize
the room you're in.
FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.
- SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.
- SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.
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