Top Signs Seen at
Crackerbarrel
- "Do you have any idea where you're going?" - GOD
- "Don't make me come down there!" - GOD
- "That love they neighbor thing, I meant it." -
GOD
- "The Ten COmmandments are not multiple choice." -
GOD
- "I heard that!" - GOD (Wendy)
- "Does the path you're taking lead to my house?" -
GOD
- "Things that come to those who wait... may be
left by those who got there first."
- "Confidence is the feeling you have before you
fully understand the situation."
What I Learned in Sociology 101 (or "5
quick steps to getting arrested")
- Commit a serious crime.
- Make sure your victim will press charges
- DO NOT cooperate.
- Have a previous record (the longer the better)
- Have lots of bystanders, the more the merrier
Words to Live By...
- Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not
walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk
beside me, either. Just leave me the hell alone.
- The journey of a thousand miles begins with a
broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
- It's always darkest before dawn, so if you're
going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the
time to do it.
- Sex is like air; it's not important unless you
aren't getting any.
- Sex is like Pizza: when it is bad, it is still
good, and when its good, it's great.
- We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things
get worse.
- No one is listening until you make a mistake.
- Always remember you're unique, just like everyone
else.
- Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
- It may be that your sole purpose in life is
simply to serve as a warning to others.
- It is far more impressive when others discover
your good qualities without your help.
- If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try
missing a couple of car payments.
- If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember
anything.
- If you lend someone $20 and never see that person
again, it was probably worth it.
- Never mess up an apology with an excuse.
- Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.
Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and
drink beer all day.
- If you drink, don't park. Accidents cause people.
- Some days you are the bug, some days you are the
windshield.
- Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.
- If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not
for you.
- Don't squat with your spurs on.
- Good judgment comes from bad experience and a lot
of that comes from bad judgment.
- The quickest way to double your money is to fold
it in half and put it back in your pocket.
- Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of
a rain dance.
- A closed mouth gathers no foot.
- Duct tape is like the force: it has a light side
and a dark side and it binds the universe together.
- Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked
into jet engines.
- There are two theories to arguing with women.
Neither one works.
- Never miss a good chance to shut up.
- Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when
your mouth is moving.
- Before you criticize people, you should walk a
mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize
them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
- Experience is something you don't get until just
after you need it.
- Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced,
you can't be promoted.
Catch Phrases...
- Constipated People Don't Give A Crap.
- Practice Safe Sex, Go Screw Yourself.
- If You Drink Don't Park, Accidents Cause People.
- Who Lit The Fuse On Your Tampon?
- If You Don't Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth
Shut.
- Please Tell Your Pants It's Not Polite To Point.
- If That Phone Was Up Your Butt, Maybe You Could
Drive A Little Better.
- My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant.
- Thank You For Pot Smoking.
- To All You Virgins Thanks For Nothing.
- If At First You Don't Succeed...blame Someone
Else And Seek Counseling.
- Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard
Feelings".
- If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.
- Horn Broken... Watch For Finger.
- It's Not How You Pick Your Nose, But Where You
Put The Booger.
- If You're Not A Hemorrhoid, Get Off My Ass.
- You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are
Talking To Me
- The Earth Is Full - Go Home
- I Have The Body Of A God... Buddha
Religious & Philosophical Philosophies
on Shit
- Atheism: No Shit!
- Buddhism: When Shit Happens, Is It Really Shit?
- Catholicism: If Shit Happens, I Deserve It.
- Confucianism: Confucius Say, "Shit Happens."
- Hinduism: This Shit Happened Before.
- Islam: If Shit Happens, Take A Hostage.
- Jehovah's Witness: Knock, Knock, "Shit Happens."
- Judaism: Why Does This Shit Happen To Me?
- Mormon: Shit Happens Again And Again.
- New Age: The Age Of Shit Happening.
- Paganism: It Is Natural That Shit Happens.
- Protestantism: Shit Won't Happen If I Work
Harder.
- Rastafarianism: Let's Smoke This Shit
- 7th Day Adventist: Shit Happens On Saturdays.
- Taoism: Shit Happens.
- Zen: What IS The Sound Of Shit Happening?
- Agnostic: It's Impossible To Know If Shit
Happens.
- Capitalism: This Shit Will Cost You Plenty.
- Calvinism: Hobbes Makes Shit Happen.
- Conservatism: Only Rush Knows If Shit Happens.
- Environmentalism: Shit Is Endangered And Needs
Protection.
- Fundamentalism: The True Path To Shit Happening
is Narrow.
- Hells Angels: We Make Shit Happen!
- Liberalism: Everyone Is Entitled To Have Shit
Happen.
- Machiavellian: We Control How Shit Happens.
- Nihilism: Who Cares If Shit Happens?
- Optimism: Shit Happens All Of The Time.
- Pessimism: Shit Never Happens.
- Quakers: Shit Happens Peacefully And Very
Quietly.
- Spiritualism: Even The Dead Say That Shit
Happens.
- Star Trek: The Shit Just Keeps Getting Better.
- Televangelism: Shit Won't Happen If You Don't
Send Money.
- Terrorism: Shit Happens Our Way, Or Else!
- Unitarianism: Shit Happens In Lots Of Different
Ways.
Bumper Stickers
Murphy's Laws on Combat
Operations
You're A Genuine New Jerseyan
If...
Chinese
Proverbs...
BEER
TROUBLESHOOTING
Top 10 Signs You're Suffering
College Burnout
If Condom Had Sponsors. . .
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Email me:Tim
Seifert
