As I laid in bed arguing with myself I broke into tears. I didn’t want to wake up Taylor so I went out to the balcony. I couldn’t take this anymore. ~He loves me so much and I love him too but if I keep this secret between us it’ll kill us. God what am I going to do?!~ “I just want to die.”
“God Amy please don’t say that.” Taylor said from behind me. My heart jumped into my throat and I almost died when he sat down behind me and wrapped his arms around me. I broke into hysterics.
“I do. I want to die. I can’t take this anymore!”
“What the fans? Amy, you knew that was part of being with me.” He said. ~God he has no clue.~ I turned around to face him, looking at his flawless face through tear-blurred vision.
“No,” I said shaking my head. “It’s not that.” I looked deeply into his eyes. “Taylor, I love you so much.” I said as heavy tears filled my eyes once more.
~Taylor’s P.O.V.~
God it tore me apart to see her like that. And I almost died looking into her eyes. You could see the guilt, frustration, hurt and love in her eyes. “Amy, it’s ok. Whatever it is..it’s ok.”
“No, no it’s not. I can’t tell you….I have to tell you….GOD DAMMIT I’m so confused!!” And she fell in my lap. Crying more than I’ve ever seen anyone cry. ~Should I tell her I know? Would it be easier for her?~ I thought as I wrapped my arms around her and gently rocked her in my arms.
~My P.O.V.~
I just cried harder. I loved him so much. I couldn’t believe I did that to him. And I had no clue how I was going to tell him, though I knew I had to. I collected myself as much as I could, still sitting in Tay’s lap. “Tay, honey, I REALLY need to tell you something. But…I’m so scared that you’re going to leave me.”
“Amy, I’m not going to leave you. Ok? Never. Though I might have to leave Zac.” He said, just above a whisper by the time he ended the sentence.
~Taylor’s P.O.V.~
She looked up as if she’d just seen Hell. She was obviously in shock; she didn’t know what to do. Then again I didn’t know if I did either. “Amy I know.” I didn’t know what to say next. She got a look of confusion--overwhelming confusion. She scooted away from me and sat against the balcony bars, her eyes filled with tears yet not falling.
“How?” She asked quietly. It was a simply question and she deserved an answer.
“I overheard you and Beth talking.” I said as I slowly approached her, careful not to get her too upset by my presence.
“Why’d you wait so long to tell me?” She asked, choking on her tears.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” I challenged. She was quiet then but I didn’t want to push anything. Her lip started to quiver, and her tears looked ready to spill over.
“I wanted to.” She cried, finally letting the tears fall over her flushed cheeks. “God, I wanted to so bad. But I couldn’t. I knew you’d hate me.” She hid her face from me and cried harder. Her shoulders shaking with hidden emotion. I crawled over to her and pulled her to me once more. “Why didn’t you tell me?” She asked once again.
I sighed. “I knew how stressed you were hon. And I could tell that your depression was getting bad. Tonight proved that. I was worried that if we talked about this you’d get suicidal or…” I looked down. “Or you could lose our baby.” I started to cry in spite of my efforts. “Amy, I couldn’t handle losing you. Either of you. So please, please, baby don’t do this to yourself”
“How the hell can you be so calm?!” ~Calm?! She thinks I’m calm!? Well I guess I am hiding it pretty well.~
“For the same reason I didn’t tell you. I’m not calm because I don’t care. I do care.” I stood up in anger. “I’m so incredibly pissed off, I’m hurt, betrayed and I’m feeling used. How could you just jump from one of us to the other!? And my own God damned brother!! I still can’t believe it!! I sit here and wonder what the hell I was doing wrong to make you go to him!”
She never looked up. She just answered, barely above a whisper, “Nothing.”
“Nothing!!? Obviously there had to be some—“
“No, he was just there.”
Then why’d you say you loved him? He OBVIOUSLY loves you!….My own fucking brother. And YOUR best friend’s boyfriend! God, Amy, how could you DO that to us!!?” I yelled, my anger taking over. I walked over to the other side of the balcony, my back to her.
“I don’t know.” She said quietly. “But I regret it more every day that goes by. I love you and Care so much. I couldn’t picture my life without you guys. Why can’t you see how sorry I am!?” She asked, as she too got angry and frustrated.
“I CAN!!!” I yelled back as I turned towards her, both of our eyes filled with tears. “But that doesn’t mean I can just forgive and forget. You did the ultimate betrayal. No, Amy, this is beyond forgiving and forgetting! Eventually I MIGHT forgive you but there is NO WAY I’m going to forget about this—EVER! Do you understand that!!? You scarred our relationship for life! It’s never going to be the same. Never. Christ I’m surprised it’s not over.”
Her eyes shot up to mine and pleaded tearfully. “God Taylor, don’t say that!” She cried. My eyes turned icy, glaring into hers.
“Why not!!? It’s the fucking truth!!…I just don’t know what to do Amy, I really don’t.” Just then both of our heads turned to the sound of the patio door opening and Care stepping out.
I woke up to Amy and Tay’s fighting about ten minutes ago. At first I wasn’t sure if I should go out there but then I figured that I had to. I was a part of this fight too. “Care?” Taylor asked confused. “What are you doing out here?”
“You guys were so loud, it woke me up.” I said only looking at Taylor.
“She knows I know.” He said calmly.
“Does Care know too?” Amy asked, sounding as if she was about to die. I then looked over at her slumped in the corner of the balcony. Her eyes were still flowing with tears and bloodshot. Her body shook with shaken breath, and overwhelming emotion. She hid in that corner like a beaten dog. I felt really bad for her. But that did not excuse what she did.
“Yeah I do. Why’d you do it Amy? Why?” I asked semi-calmly. “You KNEW how much I loved him. And how special our relationship was to me. Now I can’t even look at him without thinking about how he FUCKED you!!!” I said, about ready to lose control. Taylor took a step towards me and put his hand on my shoulder. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. That is…until Amy started her outburst.
“I don’t know ok?! I DON’T FUCKING KNOW!!! All I know is that I’m losing the two most important people in my life because of it. It’s the dumbest thing I ever did! And it’d be a fucking miracle if you didn’t leave me!! God just kill me now!!” She was honestly losing it. I looked over at Tay, he was crying again. He was so scared for her. And so was I. He couldn’t lose her and I knew I couldn’t either.
I let a tear fall before whispering, “Amy, I still love you.” And I ran inside. I sat in bed thinking to myself for hours as I vaguely heard Amy and Tay continue. There were so many thoughts and feelings going through my head I hated her but I loved her. As well as Zac. I wanted to go back out there and either hug her and tell her it was ok or kick the hell out of her. And Zac, I sighed thinking about him. I loved him too but, God, I couldn’t believe he fucked my best friend. And I wondered when we were going to let him in on the fact that Tay, Amy and I were all quite aware of the affair between him and Amy. And I was so worried about Amy. She looked like hell and she honestly seemed to want to die. I hoped Taylor would be ok and be able to figure out what to do with her. I silently cried myself to sleep, lying as far away from Zac as possible.
~My P.O.V.~
My world was caving in on me and there wasn’t a damn thing I could do to stop it. Once Care left I went into hysterics again. “Oh God, look what I’ve done.” I looked up at Taylor, this man that I loved so much. “I want to die. Help me please.” I lost control of the tears I was trying to hold back as his eyes softened and he started to cry.
“God Amy…I’d die without you. Please…please don’t do this.” He cried, desperate to have some control
“I can’t help it. I am so so sorry. I really am. I wish I could take it all back or I wish you and Care would honestly forgive me. I don’t know what to do. Taylor, this is beyond the fact that I cheated on you. It’s that fact that I feel so helpless and alone—I have for a while. But I don’t know what to do or who to turn to. I would go to you or Care but I can’t now.”
“Why not?” ~Was he stupid? What was he trying to do? Kill me with an overdose of guilt?~
“Did you not see and hear the hatred with Care?!” I cried, my eyes burning into his.
“Did you not hear her whisper that she still loves you!!?” He retorted, his eyes burning back at mine. I was silent for a while after that.
“She still loves me?” I asked quietly. Taylor came and knelt down in front of me, placing his hands on my knees, which I brought up to my chest, my hands holding them there by my calves. He bent his head in such a way to try and meet my tired eyes. I looked up hesitantly.
“And I still love you.” He whispered. I tore my eyes away from his and cried harder. “I can’t lose you. Please tell me what I have to do to make you feel better.” I looked up at him. You could see the hurt, fear, frustration and love clearly in his eyes.
“God Tay, I wish it was that easy.” I looked down again. I couldn’t face his eyes. Those burning, icy, deep eyes of his.
“So you know what to do?” He asked hopefully.
“BESIDES killing myself? Yeah I do. But I can’t do it alone.” Taylor leaned forward and kissed my forehead. He pulled back and looked into my eyes again. Which I’m sure were bloodshot and not the usual bright blue.
“I’m here for you. And I know everyone else is too.”
“Just please don’t tell anyone why I’m so depressed. Just tell them I am. This is the time of year that it’s the worst anyway.” I said, trying to sound stern and determined but failing miserably because of lack of energy.
“Ok baby,” He whispered as he stroked my hair out of my face. “Ok, let’s go to bed.” He said as he picked me up. He knew I didn’t have the energy to move. And the feel of his arms around me and putting my head to his chest was the best thing I could’ve had at that point in time. He gingerly placed me on out bed and my body cried out to his…begging for his touch to return.
“Tay?” I whispered.
“Yeah?” He asked climbing into bed. I swallowed over the lump that had formed in my throat, knowing that I shouldn’t ask what I was about to. But I couldn’t stop myself.
“Could you just hold me close tonight? I know it’ll be harder than hell but I need it. Please?” My voice was barely audible. I felt him move closer to me and wrap his strong, secure, loving arms around me. I felt myself shake with some quiet sobs. He only held me tighter, his chin resting on my shoulder.
“Shh…honey. It’s ok. I’m here and I love you.” I closed my eyes and nodded.
“God, I love you too.”
~Taylor’s P.O.V.~
It was so hard for me to hold her close to me that night as we slept. Or rather, as she slept, I didn’t get much sleep. It was hard but I knew that’s what she needed and deep down I probably needed it too. It was hard for me to be mad at her when she was emotionally dying. So I sat up wondering if that meant I was going to be extremely mad at her once she got better. And if so, would that put her back to where she is now? God I couldn’t handle that, knowing I, in some way caused it. I needed someone to talk to. I wonder if Care would talk to me again when we got home…
~Beth’s P.O.V.~
I too, woke up because of Amy and Tay’s fighting. I was happy that they were finally discussing this. Even though I could tell it was killing them. But everyone knows “it gets worse before it gets better.” And this was Amy and Tay…they had to make it through this. They always did. They’ve made it through so much already. I said a silent prayer for them before I fell back to sleep.
Chapter Eight: "I love her too" HOME!