I woke up still in Taylor’s arms. I sighed deeply as I held back my tears. “Shh…” Taylor whispered. “It’s ok, I’m here.” I was able to hold back my tears just because I knew I’d have to make it seem as though I had it together. Not to Tay, because he knew I didn’t. But I needed to look like I did to everyone else. I don’t think I could’ve handled everyone asking me what was wrong. I crawled out of his arms saying I had to shower. “Amy?” I turned to face him. His eyes were tired looking and scared. “I’m worried about you. Will you promise me that you won’t do anything to yourself while you’re in there.”
I looked down and shook my head. “I can’t promise you something like that.”
“Why not?” You could tell he was angry by my answer.
“I just can’t. When someone gets this depressed they just don’t care anymore. Usually they don’t even think consciously. I know I don’t. I couldn’t tell you what I was thinking right before I’d cut myself because I wasn’t. I never planned it so I can’t promise you that I won’t do it now.” I sad desperately trying to explain it to him but knowing that I couldn’t. Taylor didn’t say anything so I turned around again to go to the bathroom. He hopped of the bed quickly and came to my side.
“I’m coming in with you.” He said sternly.
I looked at him in total shock. “WHAT?!”
“Please,” he said, his eyes softening. “I don’t want you doing anything…y’know…to..hurt yourself.” He really cared about me and was hard for me to accept. So I just sighed and let him follow me in.
After I got into the shower and Tay followed I asked, “Why do you still care about me?” He stopped washing my shoulders and spun me around gently to face him.
“Amy, why can’t you understand that I still love you?” He asked highly confused. How could I explain this to him?
“It’s hard to explain. First of all there’s the whole Zac thing. I figured you’d hate me forever. But more than that…it’s…a…a depressed person never thinks anyone should care. They just want to be left alone to die.” I looked down as I felt hot tears roll down my cheeks. Taylor took my chin softly by two fingers and brought my face up. My eyes met his.
“It may be hard for both of us but I’m not going anywhere.” And he gently pressed his lips to my forehead. I started to cry harder and buried my face into his shoulder. He ran his hand over my wet hair then down to the middle of my back and just held me there. After we got out of the shower I just put on my jeans on my Tommy sweatshirt and crawled back into bed. I started to drift back to sleep as I heard a knock on the door.
~Care’s P.O.V.~
I had a hard time sleeping. I was too worried about Amy. I decided to check on her first thing in the morning and here I am. Taylor answered the door and you could already see the stress taking it’s toll. His eyes were tired and dull unusual compared to how they were usually alive and bright. He looked as if he didn’t sleep at all last night. He gave a weak smile. “How is she?” I asked quietly.
“I swear she’s dying.” He said just as quietly. “Just look at her.” He said as he motioned for me to go in. Amy was just lying there lifelessly. I didn’t know what to do. “Come here I have to talk to you.”
“Did you want to go to the lobby or something?” I asked.
“NO.” He answered quickly. “I’m not leaving her. Just come over here.” We went and sat down on the couch on the far side of their room.
“What’s wrong?” I asked.
“What’s not?” He snapped. He then looked over with guilty eyes. “I’m sorry. I’m just so stressed out.” I nodded. “I just wanted to talk to you about her. She’s really bad Care. I mean it’s so bad it’s frightening. And she doesn’t want us to care. She doesn’t think she’s worth it. I don’t know how to get through to her.”
“I don’t think we can. I think only she knows what she needs.”
“Oh she knows.” He said looking out into space. “But we can’t help her till we get back to Tulsa.” He finally looked over at me, tears resting on the brim of his eyes. “What if she doesn’t make it?” He was starting to panic. I turned to him and took him by the shoulders.
“Listen Tay, she’s just depressed ok? She won’t die unless she does it ok? And she won’t for four reasons. 1, She’s strong and she’s been through this before. 2, your baby. She’d never purposely harm that child. 3, you. As long as she knows that you’re still here she’ll stay. I know for a fact that she never wants to lose you. And as long as you continue to make it clear to her that she hasn’t it’ll keep her going. And 4, we won’t let her. We’ll keep her under constant supervision ok? She’ll be fine.” I could tell that he doubted my words but that was ok, because I did too. “Can you leave us alone for a bit?”
“Where am I supposed to go?”
“I don’t know. Just stay away from Zac for now. We’ll take care of him after we take care of Amy.”
“Sure.” He said getting up. He turned and looked at me. “Hey Care, thanks again.”
“No problem. I love her too.” And with that he was gone. I slowly made my way to Amy asleep on their bed.
~My P.O.V.~
I felt someone shaking me gently. I figured it was Tay waking me up to leave. But when I opened my eyes I saw the hazel eyes of Caroline. I started to cry. “Shh…no, don’t cry.” She whispered as she wiped the tears from my cheeks.
“Why are you here?” I asked.
“Because whether you like it or not I still care too.” ~Why?~ I asked myself. ~Why do these people still care for me so much?~ “You need people to be concerned for you now and you know it.” She said, answering my question as if she was reading my mind.
“I know. But why you?” I asked as confusion contorted my face. “How could you still care after what I did to you?” Her eyes turned frustrated.
“Why do you have to bring that up? Yes it was unacceptable but right now that doesn’t matter. My best friend is in trouble and I’m going to be there for her. No person or situation would change my mind about that. PLEASE let me be here for you.” I couldn’t take it anymore. I crawled into her arms and just cried. She didn’t say a word, which helped. She just held me.
“I’m sorry….I am SO sorry.” I cried helplessly.
“I know Amy, I know.” She whispered stroking my hair.
“I wish I could take it all back, I really do. I don’t want to lose you. It didn’t mean anything I swear. Please believe me.” I cried harder. I desperately needed her to understand how I felt. She started to cry with me.
“I believe you Amy, I do. And don’t worry. You haven’t lost me, I’m right here.” She said between falling tears as she hugged me tighter. I still couldn’t believe that she was there for me. We just sat there in silence—except for our crying—holding and rocking each other, each of us deep in our own thoughts.
~Care’s P.O.V.~
It was so hard seeing her like this. I didn’t understand how depression could so easily destroy a person like that. I just held her as tight as possible. I loved her so much—she was my best friend. I couldn’t just let her go. No matter what she did. I wasn’t about to let a guy come between us, no matter how much I loved him. When I thought about that I couldn’t help but cry harder. How was my relationship with Zac supposed to last through this? What was his reaction to all of this going to be? I couldn’t lose him either. Oh it was so confusing.
~My P.O.V.~
My life was at a major crossroads. It could go so many ways. I was so worried but as Care held me to her chest I had a feeling that it was going to be ok. Just as I was really starting to get comfy Tay came back in. “Hey guys, we have to g now if we’re gonna catch our flight.” He said as he came back and sat on our bed with us. “How are you?” He asked as he brushed my cheek lovingly.
“I’m ok.” I lied.
“Ok, let’s go.” He said as he kissed my cheek and grabbed our bags. “Hey Care!” He called as she was leaving. “Thanks again.”
“Like I said before, I love her too.” I smiled when she said that. And she left.
“Ok, you ready?” He asked taking my hand.
“Yeah I suppose.” I said weakly. “Tay?” He turned around and looked at me lovingly. “I don’t want to go out there. I don’t want anyone to see me like this. And...I don’t want to see…him.” He walked over to me and pulled me into a hug.
“It’ll be fine. You’ll be fine.” And we hurried out of the hotel. We sat in the way back of the van. And Care made sure that she and Zac were as far away as possible. I didn’t want to face anyone so I kept my face buried in Taylor’s shoulder. “Amy, we’re at the airport, you have to get up.” Taylor whispered.
“Did I fall asleep?” I asked confused.
“Yeah you did.” He said getting up and taking my hand. “C’mon, Jason’s waiting to take us to the plane. Everyone else is already boarding.” Jason was waiting and he escorted us through the airport. Everyone else was already boarded by the time we got there and unfortunately we had to sit among them. We were in the center isle with Mackenzie and Avie. Mom, Dad, and Zoë were a row back and to the left. Beth, Isaac and Jess were straight to the left and Care, Zac and some lady were a row up and to the left. I just wanted to hide.
“Amy?” Beth whispered. Both Tay and I looked over. Me to see what she wanted and Tay to protect me. “Amy can I talk to you?”
“About what?” I asked.
“You.” I looked away.
“No you can’t.” Taylor said. ~Thanks~ I laid back down on him.
“Taylor what’s wrong with her?” Beth pressed. I guess you couldn’t blame her. She cared too.
“I can’t tell you right now ok?” He apologized. “Wait till we get home.” He said quietly.
“Ok.” She whispered. I could tell she felt bad but there wasn’t anything I could do. All through the flight I could feel everyone’s eyes watching me…burning into my head. Finally I couldn’t take it.
“Tay.” I said frightened. He looked down at me. “They’re watching me.” I whispered.
“No, baby, they aren’t. It’s ok. I’m here to protect you.” And he kissed my forehead. I let my eyes close once again. And I drifted into a deep sleep. Hoping to ignore the thoughts running through my head.
~Taylor’s P.O.V.~
This was absolutely amazing. How helpless and scared she was. I always found Amy to be strong and stubborn. Able to deal with anything. I now know that she’s just as fragile as anyone else. If not more so. I was so torn apart. I should’ve been taking time for ME, so I could deal with this. Not taking care of Amy’s reaction to the whole thing. But that right there was just selfish. And I couldn’t be at a time like that. When the plane landed I silently took Amy’s hand and our carry-on bags and got off. As we walked through the airport Mom grabbed my arm.
“Taylor we need to talk.” She said sternly. I looked over at Amy. She had a desperate “don’t leave me” look. Care was watching so I gave her a “help me” look. She came over.
“Tay, I can take her.” He took Amy’s hand. “Amy, come with me for a minute.” They went to look at magazines.
“Jordan Taylor Hanson, what is going on? What’s wrong with Amy? What’s with everyone being so quiet!? Tell me!”
“Mom,” I said quietly yet sternly. “You’re making a scene. I can’t tell you what’s going on. Well not right now. We’ll tell you when we get home. But we’d prefer it if it was just us, you, Dad, Ike, Beth and Alicia.”
“Ok…why not anyone else?”
“Well the kids are too young and Care and Zac already know.” ~Ok so Zac didn’t know but he couldn’t be there.~ “So I’m sure that Jess and Avie will want to go to their friends’ house and Mac and Zoë can go to Grandma’s.”
“Ok…whatever you say. I’m just so worried.” Yep that was my mom. Always the worrier.
“It’s ok.” The ride from the airport was pretty much the same as the ride to the NY airport except all the kids were more excited. I even saw Amy smile at Mackie’s weird behavior. We got home and as anticipated Jess and Avie wanted to go visit their friends. Mom took Zoë and Mac to grandma’s house. I told Care what we were going to do and told her Amy didn’t want Zac there and recommended that they do something. She and Zac went upstairs and the rest of us waited for mom to come home.
Chapter Nine: "Don't Lie To Me" HOME!