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ENTERTAINMENT
CELEBRITY NEWS
Tim Cruise Lashes Out At Non-Believers.
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Tim (Pictured) Is Fed Up With People Who Do Not Share His Passion For Astrology
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Hollywood, CA - Multi-Millionaire Hollywood Actor Tim Cruise has launched an attack on anyone who does not believe or respect his faith in Astrology.
The pint-sized Cheshire Cat-grinning star famous for movies Such As 'Mission Improbable', 'Eyes Stitched Shut' and 'Cholesterol' is suing anyone who does not take his hobby seriously a source nearby revealed.
"Tim's a bit nervy at the moment" a close friend disclosed. You know - the whole baby thing, the validity of his missus and the fact he's always been short. It all ads to the pressure. Just look at Mel Gibson!".
Tim has always denied his sexuaity, opting for astrology instead. "It's a religion of sorts, I believe in the Planets and Stars even if regular folk do not." He recently revealed. "Too many people in Hollywood think of stars as actors but I firmly believe that they exist outside of our planet in the solar system somewhere and it angers me when people ridicule this belief!"
Cosmetically Altered Women Only - Says Top TV Shopping Channel Exec
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Presenters Like These Who Have undertaken Many Facial Surgeries Are Preferred In Today's TV Shopping Shows.
Several North American Shopping Channels are facing increasing criticism over how they select their female hosts it was disclosed yesterday. Over one-thousands complaints of discrimination have been filed against various channels because TV executives will only hire women with 'significant facial enhancements'.
Philipa Potts from Moose Jaw, SK was one such applicant who was stunned when her looks were tuned down. "I was outraged" she spat. "I hosted 'The Regina Nightly News' for six years before applying for the 'Shopping Show'. During the interview they asked me what I thought about having botox injected in my lips, eyelids and cheeks!"
The former 'Miss Saskatchewan' and Runner up to Miss North America was shocked. "I declined their offer because at 25 I still look like a million dollars!" Potts immediately began taking legal action against the show. "They hire middle aged mothers with adenoids who agree to a barrage of face altering surgeries and turn women like me with brains and looks down!" Potts continued.
It will be several months before we know the outcome of Miss Potts and many other women like her are victims of what we call overly naturally beautiful talented women.
Rad Drillbitt And Angelina Jolly To Adopt Venezuelan Piglets
Serial Adopters Rad And Angelina Look Smitten As They Come Across Some Piglets.
The Hollywood celebrity Couple Have announced another addition to their ever expanding family - 327 piglets.
The couple who have already adopted sixteen children from forty-eight different countries and raised a budgie called 'Mick' made the decision following a trip to the Venezuelan village of Maracay.
"Both parties are delighted with the news" a spokeperson stated. "They saw the awful living conditions the piglets were in and decided to save them immediately." Plans to build a massive compound for the Piglets complete with gymnasium and sauna have already started.
Rad and Angelina recently hired one hundred and forty nannies and six pig farmers to look after their ever expanding family.
Hollywood's Serial Celebrity Impregnator Mulls Over Sperm Donor Business
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Kevin Fodderline (Pictured) Rumoured To Be Making A Fortune By Impregnating Hundreds Of Hollywood Celebrities.
Hollywood, CA (AP) - Kevin Fodderline made is mark in Hollywood circles for giving actress Cher Jackson and singer Britney Pears children. Now it seems he has plans to cash in on his fatherly ways.
"I may be irresponsible and selfish when it comes to family matters but I'm a good person. Deep down I know I can do something right and helping women get their dream child is definitely something I'm good at." Kevin went on to explain that several high profile Hollywood stars had approached him. "Yeah I've had plenty of offers; they all seem to want it bad."
Fodderline nicknamed 'The Impregnator' is rumored too have fathered at least eight hundred and sixteen women. "The child support was getting out of control man! I had to make a quick turnaround and this is it!" He smiled pointing to his groin.
When asked how much he charged for his services he replied "$1,000,000 a shot! That’s a dollar a sperm baby! You won't find a better deal than that here in Tinsel town baby!"
OBITUARIES
We Pay Tribute To A Maritime Movie Legend.
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Igor Woolley, (Pictured) During A Scene From His Oscar Winning Movie 'Mullets Over Broadway'
Port Hawkesbury, NS (AP) - One of Canada's best loved character actors Igor Woolley has passed away at the age of 59.
Born to a family of Russian immigrant Bull breeders in Cape Breton, Igor Goranovitch Willard Woolley studied Taxidermy at Mount Caramel University before dropping out to sell kebabs on street corners in Toronto. "Acting seemed the last thing I wanted to do" he remembered fondly at the time. As fate would have it Igor eventually found himself cast in minor movie roles like "The Lady Comes to Tea." Where he played the mouth organ in one of the bar scenes and a seal pup in "A Labradorean Seal Clubber In Paris'.
Finally in 1979 he hit the jackpot with the movie "Mullets Over Broadway" He won an Oscar for 'Best Supporting Hairstyle In A Movie or Comedy"
"That was quite the mullet!" he recalled. "I started a craze that became the norm for everyday North American back country folk and that's something you just cannot escape from!
In 1980 he sold his award winning mullet to the Smithsonian museum for a sum reported to be around the million dollar mark. In recent years Igor mostly liked to drink, smoke and stumble up and down the streets of Halifax. He was a true Maritime treasure!
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LOCAL ENTERTAINMENT
Fanny Toksvig's Entertainment Round-up
Hi there Entertainment freaks! Fannykins here, your resident guide to what's happening in your region.
We've got plenty of music, theatre and book reviews for you to salivate over in the coming weeks I can tell you!
Talking of salivating I think my chocolate chip brownie wieners are almost done!
MUSIC
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Those middle-aged wig wearing diva's 'The Venerial Blinds' will be tearing down the shutters and ripping apart their stuffed toy animals this Friday at 'The Wet Spot Bar and Grill'.
Expect to see the girls girate and grind their way through classics like 'Swallowing His Pride', 'Headfull of Cheese' and 'Blinded by Disease'. Tickets can be purchased for $9.97 plus tax at the door.
Next Thursday's Annual Atlantic Cod Fisherman's Ball in Halifax will be hosted by non-other than Norway's 1967 one-armed Fiddling champion Beri Hastaad.
Musical guests include Newfoundland's biggest bearded quartet Randy Toerope and The Butterscotch Three, Prince Edward Island's husband and wife ensemble Chips and Dip and from New Brunswick - The Reg Pascale Fish Plant Orchestra.
Please note: This is a union members ball only. All proceeds go to the 'Union of Better Day Fishermen' charity.
THEATRE
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Hand Gun Crimes In Your Region Finally Get Theatrical On Us.
The Atlantic Theatre Company will be showcasing their latest masterpiece - 'Hand Gun's On Main St' at The Moncton Capidull Theatre starting this Sunday for a seven week run.
Written by Captain Buttons and Mike Clappaboard, two very distinguished maritime directory types - The play focuses on the sharp increase of gun violence in seemingly insignificant towns and cities around the region.
"Yes we wanted to make a light hearted, satirical, yet informative play about how ridiculous our society is becoming." Writer and producer Mike Clappaboard explained.
"It seems the sleepier the town is the more fools on probation and welfare with no real life to call their own show us how easy it is to cripple a whole emergency response unit for a few hours just to get themselves in jail and have all their financial worries sorted out." Echoed co-creator Captain Buttons. "It’s a really good show I urge you to come down and see it!"
The play focuses on various criminal types who try to rob banks, hold up convenience stores and close bars so that then can drink all the liquor for free.
BOOKS
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Jazz Phlegm's new book 'Toronto: Canada's Landfill' is a three hundred page book that takes a look at Toronto, Canada's biggest most vibrant city.
Since its publication last fall it has received widespread condemnation, mostly from Torontonians and a few people from Markham who take offence to his remarks that Toronto is 'A big ugly scab on the face of Canada that won't heal'.
"I'm proud of my book and yes Toronto is a gigantic eyesore of concrete full of stupid urban parasites!" Phlegm recently said from his Niagara-On-The-Lake home. "This book is about all the mistakes Canadians make in society and Toronto is the biggest, it looks like and smells like a landfill!"
Whatever Torontonians think it's a best seller and has already outsold Rita MacNeil's million selling book 'The Fatty Of The Land'.
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Pulitzer Price winning author Madge Pottle's latest offering is a real gem.
Entitled 'Fetching Cucumbers' Pottle's story evolves round a Spanish gardner called Stavros and his sister-in-law's best friends daughter Conchita.
The story is beautifully illuminating and captures the characters plight with vigor and gusto.
The highlight of the book is when Conchita meets Stavros for the first time at a local food market and pleads to him to 'fetch her some Cucumbers'.
This story has many twists and turns and Pottle manages to send the reader down many garden path's in the search for true love.
COLLECTORS CORNER
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Used Condoms. Seamus Shandhandy is not in the least bit embarrassed by his hobby. Infact he relished talking to me about it.
Shandhandy, 46, of Boggy Flats, New Brunswick holds the unofficial record for the largest collection of used condoms in the world. A collection that currently stands at forty-six thousand!
"Aye I started collectin' rubbers some twenty years ago" he mused. "An ex of mine suggested I keep them to remind myself of how many women I have cheated on! So I did! Right now I keep them all up in the loft hanging from several washing lines".
Asked what made used condoms such a joy to collect he said "Well there's all sorts isn't there. They come in different flavours, different sizes, different designs you name it! My favourite condoms are from The Hollywood Celebrity Helmet series. Arnold Schwarzenegger is the ultimate. I only bring him out on special occasions. Gee... he's been buffed up a few good few times I can tell you! And he's never ripped yet!"
Wandering around the dimly lit loft at all the dried out, shriveled, deflated rubbers dangling darkly around my head I got the impression that Seamus was a hunter and that these condom's symbolized his trophies.
Our interview sadly wound up before I could ask him what his favourite flavour was, he explained that he had a woman coming round in less than 15 minutes so our time was kind of on the short side.
Whether this man truly has had as many conquests as he says he's certainly sold me on to condom collecting. I particularly liked the Purple Sheathed Studded Muff Torpedo...
Trevor The Lemon's Tips For Stupid Folk
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DOG OWNERS. Don't waste money on a lead. Simply walk your dog backwards holding its tail.
GIVING SPARE CHANGE. Be careful when giving homeless folk money for 'a cup of coffee', as some of the less scrupulous ones may be tempted to spend it on hard liquor.
GLUTTONS. Take a tip from smokers and stop your cravings for chips by Scotch-taping a chip to the top of your arm each morning.
WOULD-BE CRIMMINALS. Before you commit a crime, get a foretaste of what the world would look like from inside a prison by holding a fork up close to your eye.
POLICE. Save money on expensive sirens by putting a police dog on the roof of your patrol car then shut the door on its tail before attending a 911 call.
US FORCES. Wipe out the Iraqi insurgency by simply joining their side! With your 'friendly fire' tactics, the war on terror should be over in days!
Until next time dudes...
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