Los Angeles, CA. (AP) - After gaining millions of fans during its run with Dancing With The Stars the former leg of British beauty Heather Mills is being given the chance of a lifetime.

Producers in Hollywood want Heather's leg to star in a brand new Drama series in a bid to boost the TV ratings.

'Having Heather's leg on loan has opened us up to an infinite amount of possibilities'. Already her leg is set to star in 2 episodes of the smash hit show 'Lost' and appearences on 'CSI Miami' and 'Grey's Anatomy' are also being lined up.

'Its certainly given us a leg-up' one insider commented.

Almost Un-Heard-Of American Child Actor Caught Canoodling With Equally Insignificant American Celeb!

Danni Bonnadouchie (Pictured Here) With Jimmi Fartpants Locked In A Rather Suggestive Pose

Hollycrap, CA (AP) - An American Cable TV Network showcasing the worst of the worst in light entertainment got more than they bargained for when they invited two of America's most stupidest media clowns.

Live infront of six million shocked viewers child actor and Danni Bonnadouchie (famous for playing Ginger Top Twatt in the 70's hit show 'The Twatt's') engaged in a live man on man display with the equally repulsive gas-emitting maestro Jimmi Fartpants.

Unable get the desired position Danni, in a rage, threw his farting buddy over his head with displeasure.

'The Guy clearly wanted it but was unwiling to co-operate!" A disappointed Bonnadouchie replied. "Live TV needs a boost and I was willing to show them the action they craved!"

Meanwhile Jimmi, who landed on his crotch is planning to sue Danni for hospital expenses resulting in his rather hard knock to his nether regions.

Home And Yard Channel Launches New Show.

Show Aims To Expose Realty Flip-Flops!

Flip-Flop this house aims to show its viewers how so called house flippers can so easily turn a rundown bombsite into a condemned property with just hours to spare!

The show's host Beverly Oswego explains. "Flip-flop This House shows us how failed house flippers actually manage to flop the houses that they buy whilst giving them prime-time cable exposure at the same time!"

The show focuses on desperate Realtors out to make a fast buck and follows their embarrasing decline into financial ruin.

Take tonight's episode Beverly enthused. "Miko and Marko Fratinelli turn up in Daddy bought Ferrari's, buy this Lower 9th Ward property in New Orleans that was written off by the Insurance Company and proceed to turn it into what looks like a property that suffered collosal damage in an earthquake!"

OBITUARY

Sixties IconTeddy Tenderbreast Freezes To Death

Nova Scotian Born Teddy (Pictured) With His Lucky Marbles.

North Pork Cove, NS (AP) - Sixties crooner and Canadian icon Teddy Tenderbreast was found dead in his Outhouse late yesterday afternoon. It is believed he simply fell asleep while having a crap.

Tenderbreast, 66, was born Mary-Ann Doyle in Cowpat's Arm, Cape Breton. He was the youngest of eleven boys. His father had always wished for a girl so named his last child Mary-Ann out of sheer frustration.

Mary-Ann changed his name to Teddy during high school, and later added Tenderbreast as his surname as a reference to his mother's continual suffering. "My mom had boys hangin' off her wobbly bits for years. Jesus, they must have been tender!" he was quoted as saying.

Teddy hit the big time in 1961 when he appeared in the Toronto Union funded light entertainment show 'Rock Around The CN Yard' with his hit song 'Legless And In Love'.

Over the next four years Teddy would have a string of hit singles from - 'Gone Dancing With My Puck', 'Hey Hey Hockey Stick' and 'Here We Go Round The Maple Leaf!"

In recent years Teddy had returned to his roots and liked nothing more than to drink whisky, hunt, fish and live the life of a penniless hermit. Some might say a waste, some might say a shame. But Teddy Tenderbreast's name will always remain insane.

Trevor The Lemon's Tips For Stupid Folk

FUN WITH YOUR TV REMOTE: Buy a television exactly like your neighbours. Then annoy them by standing outside their window and changing their channels using your identical remote control.

YOGHURT TIP No.34: Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.

OLYMPIC ATHLETES: Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic steroids by running a bit slower.

AVOIDING PARKING TICKETS: Leave your windshield wipers turned to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

CARPET CARE: Increase the life of your carpets by rolling them up and keeping them in the garage.

OLD CONTACT LENSES make ideal 'portholes' for small model boats.

SAVE ON HAIR GEL: Expensive hair gels are a con. Spreading on Jam is a much cheaper alternative, but beware of bees in the summer.

Until next time dudes...