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BREAKING NEWS
Perils of Road Hockey
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DIEPPE,
NB—Marc Poitier is only seven months old. His mother Manon is concerned. "I may be getting ahead of myself a bit, but I’ve started to worry about my son's wholesome development and respect for the law.
I’m speaking of the perils of road hockey. Already my son crawls out into the street with his fathers stick and thrashes pucks across the road at parked cars." Manon is not alone. Claudette Debarbouillet's
nine week old son Bile recently attempted to castrate a passing Police officer who fearing for the baby's welfare attempted to pick up the stick weilding critter only to get a severe knock to the nuts. "Even
the threat of my son being taken into care does not deter him!" Manon continued woefully "while we are asleep he sneaks out the bedroom window and continues playing with himself in the dimly lit streets!" Indeed
where do doting parents with hyperactive hockey mad infants seek support? Infant protection agencies are currently reviewing these latest incidents.
Fix Education
Once again a national testing program has revealed that New Brunswick students are woefully thick. Only those in Nova Scotia and the three Provinces in Canada's far north are seen to be
more academically challenged. Minister of Education Randy Fartstain explained the current situation. "Unfortunately North American consumers rely heavily on brain numbing trash for stimulation.
The kids grow up on a diet of Telly Baby's and fast food, enter their schooling years hooked to an overwelming plethora of unneccessary cable stations, video games and internet porn then enter their young adulthood as
students high on a diet of sex, quad bikes, guns and booze. It's not difficult to see why our education is suffering!" Cluster populations however fare worse. Communities such as Saint John, Moncton and Halifax have
too much of everything and as a result the students become spoiled for choice. Essentially doing everything but learning. At least people in remote area's such as Bathurst can hunt, fish, cook and clean before watching TV and
doing homework. The province says it's looking into ways to get students to concentrate more on studying but won't be able to offer any plan for the forseeable future.
NB Health Service Crisis
MONCTON, NB—
Damien Tourplette waited 8 days and forty-six hours for an emergancy life saving operation. By the time he was wheeled in to have surgery to remove a snow blower from his chest he was already dead!
It was only when Doctors failed to find a pulse they realised something was horribly wrong. "We began hooking Mr Tourplette up and found he had no pulse or heart rhythm" A surgeon for Gerard DuPont's Hospital
in Moncton said. "we thought our machinery was at fault. Turns out we wheeled in a stiff!" Rabid MacKinnon a farmer in Hooping Hill, NB was messing around with combine harvester when it grabbed Rab's
arms and twisted them clean off. A hero to the end Rab grabbed his severed limbs between his teeth and walked cross country for 47 km's before collapsing at the Royal Moncton Municipal Hospital. Exhausted and suffering extreme
blood loss Rab was not noticed until 2 days later when a passing nurse picked him up and wheeled him in for surgery. He had been dead for 36 hours. "We couldn't save him it was too late he had zero bloodflow!" A
health official for Moncton's 'other' Hospital concluded. Currently 75% of New Brunswick residents seek medical attention outside of the province now because it's faster, safer and gives them peace of mind.
A health official for New Brunswick Health Services added "I think it's a shame when overworked Doctors and Nurses are calling out their next waiting patient only to discover they're already dead! Last week alone four
corpses were brought in for routine surgery!"
Tourism Campaign Gets A Boost
Many people had tourism minister Robby Bobillard touristicly challenged. But his 'YEE-HAH New Brunswick' campaign has sparked twenty-six callers from outside the
province! "With statistics like these tourism is already up 260% from last year! "We had one family from Quebec visit Shippagan last year, they were friends of my cousin. That was encouraging!" Tourism Minister Bobillard explained. The ad which features
a lion, walrus and ferret breakdancing and doing acrobatics in the Dieppe mall Carpark has delighted and wooed it's audiences. "You have to have a clear vision" Bobillard continued "If you don't it don't work!" We say
keep up the good work Mr Bobillard and here's to your 2004 campaign. A squirrel and a pig playing the accordian perhaps?
Mall Development Almost Finished
With Summer well on the way for Metro Moncton residents and other people. The new expanding retail centre at Infinity Drive is looking to fill just two more spaces. And guess what
bargain thirsty people - they've found them! A 10th Penny Or Three store is going up in the area as well as a Pawn shop outlet. Both will be luring lower end buyers to come and get the best of the rest. However Councillors
are not pleased. "These type of people are going to attract an odour!" Chesney Binks of Moncton North retorted. "It's going to make the mall look untidy!" another agreed. But Mayor Ryan Duffy took a positive side.
"Discrimination is not what Moncton is about. look, we are already connecting the town of Muddyview straight to our retail park via Squealer Boulevard thus giving these honest citizens further access to our city!" Words of
encouragement I'm sure but then what happens to Dieppe?
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TOP STORY
Dick Head Reports On A Deadly Epidemic Spiralling Out Of Control
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Despite advances in detection and treatment, coffee and caffeine related substances continue to increase at an alarming rate.
Particularily within the urban communities of New Brunswick where availability is rife.
To counteract this public health emergency the Government of New Brunswick has issued
a community drug alert bulletin on the effects of Caffeine and high coffee consumption. The bulletin addresses the topic with these sobering thoughts. 'Coffee is the most commonly consumed
beverage in Metro-Moncton. Young adults who start this downward spiral have the highest chance of getting hyperactive and highly stressed.'
It's very important to get the message out
to healthcare professionals and the public about how to prevent this intoxication which is etimated to affect 80% of the provinces population.
Dr Malachi Mogadishu explained "Exposure to more than
four cups of coffee a day can lead to loss of bladder control, rapid eye movement, exaggerated co-ordination and feelings of loneliness. In extreme cases it can cause nervous breakdown, heart disease and death."
This is of special concern to the many coffee consumers of Metro-Moncton where there are over thirty such coffee outlets all owned by one company our insider reported. "This is like asking a drug dealer to sell
crack on street corners" Dr Mogadishu continued. "These establishments are essentially employing innocent working class family women to sell their drugs."
Spiritual support and turning to the church
seems to offer some hope but as I found out even the clergy were partial to cafinated indulgences. So what the heck I'll take mine with cream! For more information on coffee related abuse check out www.ineedcoffee.com
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