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SPORTS HEADLINES
Boston Buttock Clenchers go Arse-up!
BOSTON - Time is running out for the Boston Buttock Clenchers as they race to survive near certain bankruptcy. Clenchers coach Drab
Allover rounded up his Buttocks for an emergency meeting Friday. Citing poor play and a string of accidents as their main reason for failure he left his team looking tearfully constipated. At a press conference
held shortly afterwards Drab said "Our guys have been feeling dry and itchy all season and now no amount of pushing is going to relive them of their discomfort. It's out of my hands now!"
Boxing Ace Injured
The long-awaited super welterweight championship bout between rivals Oswald De La Howa and
Fernaldo Vegas was postponed because De La Hoya hurt his left eyelash. Howa who was due to box on Sunday night slipped on a bar of soap left carelessly on his hotelroom floor and landed heavily on a hair curler.
Subsequently the curler embedded in his eyelashes. Howa pulled it off but not before ripping out an eyelash. The traumatic experience has left Howa in a state of shock.
Baby 500 Pole Ace crashes.
INDIANAPOLIS - The Baby 500 Pole-sitter Bubba Bolinger escaped injury when he crashed
his pram in practice. He was pulling into the pit lane when he suddenly lost control of his pram, the one he qualified in on Saturday. The pram
spun, sending him out across the track and into a nursery full of unsuspecting nanny's. There was some damage to the rear of
his 20cc pram. Luckily Bubba was cleared to drive a few minutes after the accident. He is one of six Canadian Baby racers among
the 24 tentative qualifiers for the 33-pram field. Nine spots are expected to be filled Sunday, the last of three
days of qualifying. Bubba won the pole with a four-lap average of 0.342 m.p.h., the fastest by a pole-sitter on the 20ft long
oval since 1996. It is expected the pram will be repaired, and the accident should not affect his qualifying
position.
Man Gets Record Golf Sentence.
TRURO, NS - A 41-year-old man was sentenced to 30 years in prison Wednesday for stealing 15 golf tee's
and selling them for $36,000. Seth Chuzzutt was convicted May 30 of stealing with the intent to sell. He was arrested June 10, 2001, after a search of his home turned up 7 stolen tee's
belonging to world class golfer Burl Hipswinger. Prosecutor Fanny Furlong said Chuzzutt's sentence must be served without the possibility of parole because
he had six prior convictions - mostly for theft and forgery of golf balls and clubs.
NHL Man Drafted
TORONTO - The Toronto Topless Tornado's signed top prospect Jergen Humpback to a three-year contract.
Humpback, the Topless Tornado's seventh-round pick (555th overall) in the 1999 draft, was impressive during the
Olympics in February. The 22-year-old forward was one of the few non-NHL players who played for Zimbabwe's Olympic team.
The Topless Tornado's general manager Sven Sweden has said that Humpback could bypass the team's farm
system (a gruelling and sometimes pointless system whereby a player spends two years working in a Manitoba grain silo) and come straight to Toronto, just as Pabel Sknorqicxsowitz did last season.
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TOP STORY
Jethro Savage Pours His Patriotism Into
This Summers Big Event: World Cup Soccer.
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World Cup Soccer is upon us and
for someone like me who has a typical immigrant mix of Irish, Scottish, Italian, Peruvian and many
other nationalities I don't care to mention, Soccer or should I say Football
comes as natural to me as beer and cigarettes. In other words it's in my blood.
Many misguided North Americans like to
label it soccer but this is the real sport in which teams kick an inflated pigs bladder from one end of
the field to another in the hope of getting one in the net. It's 90 minutes of non-stop action. It's a battfield for
real men not NFL cissies who choose to wear make up and padded bra's to protect their fragile bodies.
This time round Korea is hosting the World Cup. Not a problem for me because no matter what time of
the day it's on I'll be there infront of my TV swearing and cursing my tits off with my unlimited all expenses paid keg of liquor.
No doubt the European fans too will provide much of the off pitch entertainment as they seek to drink
themselves into a bunch of opposition hating warriors. Watch for the English, French and Germans. Another
bloody battle guaranteed to make headline news. Unless of course you live in Canada and the United States.
In which case all you'll get to see is hockey and the latest bile from the Middle East
My bet is that a European team will win. Brazil hasn't played good since the days of Pele (The Wayne Gretzky of football)
if you don't know what I'm talking about. Then there's Argentina and they have not cheated their way to the top since Maradonna claimed
the lord assisted his hand of God goal back in '86. For sure Germany, Italy, France or Maybe England may take it
all the way. But watch out for Canada everyone likes an underdog! Oh, they're not in it! Nevermind.
So here's to the 2002 World Cup. A real international sport.
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