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You Are Vistor Number
An African leader makes an official trip to Russia. At the end of the trip, the Russian leader tells the African that in Russia they have a custom performed at farewells called "Russian Roulette" to demonstrate one's courage.
The Russian whips out a revolver, loads one chamber, gives the cylinder a spin, puts the gun to his head and pulls the trigger...CLICK...empty chamber. He hands the revolver to his African guest,and says, "Your turn." Not to be outdone, the African repeats the ritual....CLICK.....empty.
The next year, the Russian visits the African country. At the end of the trip, the African tells his Russian peer that he was very impressed with "Russian Roulette" and that he has spent the last year devising an African ritual to demonstrate one's courage.
The African then disappears through a door only to reappear a few minutes later smiling, and says, "Your turn".
The African escorts the Russian through the door. In the room are six of the most beautiful, naked women he has ever seen. The African explains that he is to choose one of the women, who will perform oral sex on him.
Absolutely dumbfounded, the Russian asks, "What kind of test of courage is this?"
The African calmly answers, "One of them is a cannibal.
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Little Johnny was passing his parents' bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeked in and caught his folks in The Act. Before his dad could even react, Little Johnny exclaimed, "Oh, boy! Horsie ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?"
Relieved that Johnny was not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, Daddy agreed. Johnny hopped on and Daddy started going to town. Pretty soon Mommy started moaning and gasping.
Johnny cried out, "Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!"
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Alabama: Yes, we have electricity
Arizona: But It's a Dry Heat
Arkansas: Lituracie Ain't Everthang
California: As Seen on TV
Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier and With Less Character
Delaware: We Really Do Like the Chemicals in our Water
Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids
Georgia: We Put the "Fun" in Fundamentalist Extremism
Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death to Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)
Idaho: Potatoes and NeoNazis ... What More Could You Ask For?
Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"
Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn
Kansas: Where Science Don't Mean Shit
Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
Louisiana: We're Not All Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign
Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
Maryland: A Thinking Man's Delaware
Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)
Michigan: First Line of Defense From the Canadians
Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes and 10,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes
Mississippi: Come Feel Better About Your Own State
Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work
Montana: Land of the Big Sky, the Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, and Very Little Else
Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Nevada: Whores and Poker!
New Hampshire: Go Away and Leave Us Alone
New Jersey: You Want a ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!
New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets
New York: You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right to an Attorney...
North Carolina: Tobacco is a Vegetable
North Dakota: We Really are One of the 50 States!
Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan
Oklahoma: Like the Play, only No Singing
Oregon: Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner
Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal
Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island
South Carolina: Remember the Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender
South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota
Tennessee: The Educashun State
Texas: Si' Hablo Ingles (Yes, I speak English)
Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
Vermont: Yep
Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds and Slackers!
District of Columbia: Wanna Be Mayor?
West Virginia: One Big Happy Family -- Really!
Wisconsin: Come Cut Our Cheese
Wyoming: Where men are men and sheep are scared
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Things you won't see on Hallmark cards:
OUTSIDE: If I get only one thing for Christmas,
INSIDE: I hope it's your sister.
OUTSIDE: I'm so miserable without you,
INSIDE: It's almost like you're here.
OUTSIDE: Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
INSIDE: Did you ever find out who the father is?
OUTSIDE: I always wanted to be rich, powerful, and well respected.
INSIDE: And while I'm dreaming, I wish you weren't so damn ugly.
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PICK-UP LINES THAT DON'T WORK:
10. Everybody has a price, and I heard you were on special.
9. Girl, I want you out of my mind and into my bed.
8. I write poetry.
7. On a scale of 1 to 10 you definitely weigh a 10.
6. I'd make a bet on you as long as I got to see your spread.
5. Is your father a thief becuase there's still a price tag on that sweater.
4. Can I buy you a drink and slip this pill in it?
3. I'm usually not sensitive, but I'll do anything to screw you.
2. You're really sweet and I got the munchies.
1. You make me feel . . . myself when I get home.
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Bob called home one afternoon to see what his wife was
making for dinner.
"Hello?" said a little girl's voice.
"Hi, Honey; it's Daddy," said Bob. "Is Mommy
near the phone?"
"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle
Frank."
Long pause. Bob said, "But you don't have an Uncle
Frank, Honey!"
"Yes I do. He's upstairs in the bedroom with
Mommy!"
"Okay, then. Here's what I want you to do. Put down the
phone, run upstairs, knock on the bedroom door and shout in
to Mommy and Uncle Frank that my car just pulled up outside
the house."
"Okay, Daddy!"
A few minutes later, the little girl came back to the phone.
"Well, I did what you said, Daddy."
"And what happened?"
"Well, Mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and
ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went
out the front window and now she's all dead."
"Oh no! And what about Uncle Frank?"
"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too, and he
jumped out the back window into the swimming pool, but he
must have forgot that you took out all the water last week
to clean it, and now he's dead, too."
Longer pause. Bob finally said, "Swimming pool? Is this
555-7039?"
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One day there were two boys playing by a stream. One of the young
boys was lingering over by a bush. The other boy couldn't figure
out why his friend was at the bush so long, so he walked over to
the bush, and to his astonishment saw a woman bathing naked in
the stream. All of a sudden the second boy took off running.
The first boy couldn't understand why his friend ran away so
abruptly, so he took off after him. When he finally caught up to
him, he asked why he ran away.
The boy said to his friend, "My mom told me if I ever saw a naked
lady I would turn to stone, and I felt something getting hard, so
I ran."
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Why does Helen Keller masturbate with her right hand?
So she can moan with her left.
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The Bear, The Rabbit & The Magic Frog
Once there was a rabbit and a bear living in a forest. One day,
they went out for a walk and came across a magical golden frog.
The frog told them that he will grant them three wishes each,
which got the rabbit and the bear very excited.
The bear proceeded to tell the frog his first request. He said,
"I wish that all the bears in this forest were female, except for
me." POOF! His wish was granted.
Then it was the rabbit's turn and he said, "I wish for a racing
bike helmet." POOF! His wish was granted.
The bear hesitated, thought for a moment and then said, "I wish
all the bears in the neighboring forests were female too, except
for me." POOF! His wish was granted.
The rabbit already knew what he wanted, and uttered, "I wish for
a motorcycle." POOF! His wish was granted.
The frog broke in and said, "Now hurry up, I must be on my way.
And, may I add, choose your last wish carefully!!"
The bear said, "Alright, I know my last wish. I wish all the
bears in the world were female, except for me." POOF! His wish
was granted.
The rabbit thought for a while, put on his helmet, and got on his
motorcycle. A smirk appeared on his face as he revved the motor
and shouted, "I wish the bear was gay." Poof! And the rabbit rode
off.
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A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They get back to her place, and as she shows him around her apartment, he notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears. Hundreds of small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge bears on the top shelf along the wall. The man is kind of surprised that this woman would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but he decides not to mention this to her. He turns to her...they kiss...and then they rip each others clothes off and make love. After an intense night of passion, as they are lying there together in the afterglow, the man rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?" The woman says, "You can have any prize from the bottom shelf."
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Top 10 Pick Up Lines That May Get You Killed:
10. You remind me of a championship bass, I don't know whether to
mount you or eat you!
9. How do you like your eggs: poached, scrambled, or fertilized?
8. I'd like to wrap your legs around my head and wear you like a
feed bag.
7. If you and I were squirrels, could I bust a nut in your hole?
6. How about we play lion and lion tamer? You hold your mouth
open, and I'll give you the meat.
5. Could I touch your belly button . . . from the inside?
4. I was about to go masturbate and I needed a name to go with
your face.
3. Wanna play Pearl Harbor?....Its a game where I lay back while
you blow the hell out of me.
2. Roses are red. Violets are blue. I like spaghetti. Let's go fuck.
1. Is that a keg in your pants? 'Cause I would love to tap that ass!
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An Irishman's been drinking at a pub all night. The
bartender
finally says that the bar is closing. So the
Irishman stands up
to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to
stand one more
time, same result. He figures he'll crawl outside
and get some
fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.
Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his
face. So he
decides to crawl the 4 blocks to his home and when
he arrives at
the door he stands up and falls flat on his face. He
crawls
through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches
his bed he
tries one more time to stand up.
This time he manages to pull himself upright but he
quickly
falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as
his head
hits the pillow. He awakens the next morning to his
wife
standing over him shouting at him."So, you've been
out drinking again!!"
"What makes you say that?" He asks as he puts on an
innocent look.
"The pub called, you left your wheelchair there
again."
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A farmer in Alabama was driving across a bridge in his pickup
truck when he noticed a man standing on the rail of the bridge
ready to jump to his death in the river below.
The man stopped his truck, ran up to the man, and said, "Hey
fellow, why are you doing this?" The man replied, "Well, I have
nothing to live for."
The Alabama man replied, "Well, think of your wife and children!"
The jumper replied, "I have no wife or children."
The Alabama man then said, "Well, then think of your mother and
father!" The man replied, "Mom and Dad passed on many years
back."
The Alabama man then said, "Well, think of General Robert E.
Lee!" The would-be jumper replied, "Who?"
With that the Alabama man said, "Jump you stupid yankee, jump!"
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A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date, nor
any sex in quite some time. Afraid she might have something wrong with her,
she decided to employ the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her
personal
physician recommended Dr. Wang, a well-known Chinese sex therapist. So she
went and saw him. Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Wang took one look
at her and said, "OK, take off aw your crows." She quickly disrobed and
stood
naked before him. "Now," said Wang,"get down on knees and craw reery, reery
fass away from me to other side of room." Having done that, Dr. Wang said,
"OK, now turn around and craw reery, reery fass to me." Once again she
obliged. Dr. Wang slowly shook his head, "OK, your probrem vaywe, vaywe
bad,
you hauve Ed Zachary Disease...worse case I ever see...that why you not
hauve
sex...that why you not hauve dates." Confused, the woman asked, "What is
"
Wang replied, "It when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass."
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The problem with some people is that when they
aren't drunk,
they're sober.
-William Butler Yeats
You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor
without holding on.
-Dean Martin
Drunk is feeling sophisticated when you can't
say it.
-George Carlin
Time is never wasted when you're wasted all
the
time.
-Catherine Zandonella
Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of
life, so get wasted
all of the time and have the time of your
life.
-Anonymous
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case.
Coincidence?
-Stephen Wright
When we drink, we get drunk. When we get
drunk,
we fall asleep.
When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we
commit no sin, we go
to
heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk, and go to
heaven...
-Brian O'Rourke
Always remember that I have taken more out of
alcohol than alcohol
has taken out of me.
-Winston Churchill
He was a wise man who invented beer.
-Plato
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us
to
be happy.
-Benjamin Franklin
All right, brain, I don't like you and you
don't
like me - so
let's just do this and I'll get back to
killing
you with beer.
-Homer Simpson
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Did you hear about the redneck who passed away and left his entire estate in trust for his beloved widow? She can't touch it until she's fourteen.
What's the difference between a good ol' boy and a redneck?
The good ol' boy raises livestock. The redneck gets emotionally involved.
What's the most popular pick up line in Arkansas?
Nice tooth!
Best bar pick-up line in Kentucky: "Hey, you don't sweat much for a fat broad."
How do you know when your staying in an Arkansas hotel?
When you call the front desk and say "I've gotta leak in my sink" and the
person at the front desk says "go ahead."
How can you tell if a redneck is married?
There are tobacco spit stains on both sides of his pickup truck.
What's the difference between Virginia and West Virginia?
In Virginia, Moosehead is a beer. In West Virginia it's a misdemeanor.
Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in West Virginia to 32? It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
How many rednecks does it take eat a 'possum?
Two. One to eat, and one to watch for oncoming traffic.
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Hillary went in for her yearly checkup. When she was finished, she asked her gynecologist how things looked. He said he was pleased and that she is in great shape but, that she was pregnant! She told the doctor there was no way, but he said that she most definitely was a month pregnant. Well, she stormed out of the office and went to the receptionist and took the phone and called the White House. When the operator answered she said that it was Hillary and that she wanted to talk to Bill right away. Well, they rang the Oval Office and Bill answered.
Hillary said: "Do you know what you did you rotten bastard" You got me pregnant!!!"
Bill remained quiet.
Again, Hillary screamed, "DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID, YOU ROTTEN BASTARD? YOU GOT ME PREGNANT!!!"
Finally Bill answered, "Who is this???"
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My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, "Sexy Senior Citizen." You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday.
You know those shows where people call in and vote on different issues? Did you ever notice there's always like 18% that say "I don't know." It costs 90 cents to call up and vote... They're voting "I don't know." "Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the phone. (Into Phone) I DON'T KNOW!" (Hangs up looking proud.) "Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe you're not sure about." This guy probably calls up phone sex girls for $2.95 to say "I'm not in the mood."
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Can you believe how many award shows they have now? They have awards for commercials. The Cleo Awards, a whole show full of commercials. I taped it and then I fast-forwarded through the whole thing.
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It's weird when pregnant women feel the baby kicking. They say, 'Oh my God. He's kicking. Do you wanna feel it?' I always feel awkward reaching over there. Come on! It's weird to ask someone to feel your stomach. I don't do that when I have gas. "Oh my God...give me your hand...It won't be long now..."
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Did you ever hear one of these corny, positive
messages on someone's answering machine?
"Hi, it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right
now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day
is 'Share the love.' Beep."
"Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic calling....
Speaking of being positive, your
test is back. Stop sharing the love."
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A couple of dumb hicks from West Virginia decide
that they are tired of
being poor and plan to go into Wheeling to rob a
bank. They practice safe
cracking for months until they are able to open
any safe around. Late one
night they drive into Wheeling and go into the
first bank they see.
When inside to their surprise they see dozens of
little safes instead of
one
large one. They open one of the safes and inside
they find a container of
vanilla pudding but no money. They eat the pudding
and continue to open
one
safe after another only to find a container of
vanilla pudding in each
one.
Around daybreak they still haven't found any money
but are quite full from
eating all the pudding so they decide to go home.
The next day the headline of the Wheeling Gazette
reads:
"Sperm Bank Robbed"
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A professor is sent to darkest Africa to live with a primitive
tribe. He spends years with them, teaching them Reading,
Writing, Math and Science.
One day the wife of the tribe's chief gives birth to a whitechild.
The tribe is shocked, and the chief pulls the professor aside
and says, "Look here! You're the only white man we've ever
seen and this woman gives birth to a white child. It doesn't
take a genius to figure out what happened!"
The professor replied, "No, Chief. You're mistaken. What you have
here is a natural occurrence-what we in the civilised world call
an albino! Look at that field over there. All of the sheep are white
except for one black one. Nature does this on occasion."
The chief was silent for a moment, then said, "Tell you what. You
don't say anything more about that sheep and I won't say anything
more about that white child."
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I woke early one morning,
The earth lay cool and still
When suddenly a tiny bird
Perch on my window sill,
He sang a song so lovely
So carefree and so gay,
That slowly all my troubles
Began to slip away.
He sang of far off places
Of laughter and of fun,
It seemed his very trilling,
brought up the morning sun.
I stirred beneath the covers
Crept slowly out of bed,
And gently lowered the window
And crushed his fucking head.
A Particularly Rough Day's Antidote
Picture yourself near a stream.
Birds are singing in the crisp, cool mountain air.
Nothing can bother you here.
No one knows this secret place.
You are in seclusion from that place called the
world.
The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the
air
with a cascade of serenity.
The cool water is fresh and clear.
You can easily make out the face of the person whose
head you are holding under the water.
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It seems that there was this little 9 year old blind kid, and one day
he said to his mom, "Mom, all I've ever wanted was to see."
His mom said, "Well son it's your lucky day, today is the last day of
March, and if you pray your hardest, your prayers will be answered."
So the little boy goes to bed 2 hours early and starts praying
himself to sleep. He wakes up half way through the night and realizes
that the night isn't over, so he prays another hour before he falls
asleep again.
He finally wakes up the next morning and yells, "Mom, Mom, get in
here fast!"
His mom comes running in and says, "What is it son?"
The boy says, "Mom I did just what you said, I prayed and prayed
harder than anyone else ever has, but I woke up this morning, and I'm
still blind!"
And his mom says......."April Fools!!"
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You had your bladder removed
and you're on the mends....
here's a bouquet of flowers
and a box of Depends.
You've announced that you're gay,
won't that be a laugh,
when they find out you're one of
the Joint Chiefs of Staff.
Heard your wife left you...
How upset you must be...
But don't fret about it ....
She moved in with me
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Bill Clinton and Al Gore go into a local diner for lunch. As they
read the menu the waitress comes over and asks Clinton, "You ready to
order?"
Clinton replies, "Yes, I'd like a quickie."
"A quickie?!" the waitress replies. "Sir, given the current situation
of
your
personal life I don't think that is a good idea. I'll come back when
you
are
ready to order from the menu."
She walks away.
Gore leans over to Clinton and says, "It's pronounced Quiche"
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An Anagram, as you all know, is a word or phrase made
by
transposing
or rearranging the letters of another word or phrase.
The following are exceptionally clever. Someone out
there either
has
way too much time to waste or is deadly at Scrabble.
When you re-arrange the letters:
Dormitory: Dirty Room
Evangelist: Evil's Agent
Desperation: A Rope Ends It
Mother-in-law: Woman Hitler
Eleven plus two: Twelve plus one
President Clinton of the USA: To copulate he finds interns
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A guy walks into a bar down in Tennessee and orders a Grape Nehi.
Surprised, the bartender looks around and says "You ain`t from around
here... where you from, boy?".
The guy says, "I`m from Ohio"
The bartender asks, "What do you do up in Ohio?"
The guy responds, "I`m a taxidermist."
The bartender asks, "A taxidermist... what the hell is a taxidermist?"
The guy says "I mount dead animals."
The bartender smiles and shouts to the whole bar, "It`s OK boys, he`s
one of us.
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A nun gets into a cab and the cab driver won't stop staring at
her.
She asks him why is he staring and he replies, "I have a
question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."
She answers, "My dear son, you cannot offend me.
When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as
I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about
everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask
that I
would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun perform oral sex
on
me.
" She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that:
1) you have to be single and 2) you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and
I'm
Catholic too!"
The nun says, "O.K., pull into the next alley."
He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy. But when they get back
on
the road, the cab driver starts crying his eyes out. "My
dear child, why are you crying?"
"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's o.k., my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween Party."
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A man goes into a pub and tries to chat up a woman, but with little
success.
He thinks about it a while, and then says "If you go to bed with me,
I'll
take you to see a world famous attraction." The woman eventually agrees
and
after a marathon sex session, says "What about showing me this world
famous
attractrion?" The man points down and says "Viagra Falls!"
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All the good knights were leaving for the Crusades. One knight told
his best friend " My bride is without doubt one of the most beautiful
women in the world. It would be a terrible waste if no man could have
her. Therefore, as my best and most trusted friend, I am leaving you
the key to her chastity belt to use should I not return from the
Crusade."
The company of knights were only a mile or so out of town when they
noticed a cloud of dust approaching. Thinking it might be an important
message from the town the column halted.
A horseman approached. It was the knight's best friend. He said " Hey,
you gave me the wrong key!!"
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