Free the Juice - Dr. Song Archives, '99
The Dr. Song Archives - '99
Q. Is it okay in the asian culture to kill off the homosexuals? Because i have a gay asian roommate and i was wondering if i could kill him.
-Adam, jasowers@virginia.edu, 4.25.99
A. No. That is absolutely unacceptable. I can't believe you would even suggest that. However, it is ok to kill off the females, because they are inferior.
Q. I am highly confused and slightly worried. I was born white, and people have often told me I'm the whitest person they know. However, something strange has happened of late. I've noticed that, over the past few weeks, small brown dots (some call them "freckles") have turned up on my shoulders. I've spent many summers burnt, and I never freckled before. And I've also started to quote Jay-Z a lot, along with writing "$" when I mean "S." I'm 19. Am I somehow leaving the white horse in the race carousel? Also, as a twofer, whatever happened to NWA? Did the "attitude" make them a separate race altogether, and, if so, have they died out? Thanks.
-Amy, aag3k@virginia.edu, 4.15.99
A. Well, apparently we aren't too avid a reader of Dr. Song, are we? Because if we were, we would have seen that someone asked pretty much the exact same question about 2 months ago. But I'll save you the trouble of scrolling down and repeat myself here: you are the product of intensive interracial breeding but for some reason the colors didn't blend together, and so they instead pop up all over your skin. Sadly, there is no cure. You may experience different stages where you switch from one race to another -- let me know if you ever develop an abnormal penchant for rice. As for your other question, Dr. Song just recently got off the boat from China, so he doesn't know what the hell you're talking about. If you'd like to ask an actual black person, try her.
Q.I had a recent experience that has left me a bit bewildered regarding the status of the "race" we know as yellow. I work at a grocery franchise where I often see older caucasian females. Last Wednesday, when one such woman began to talk to me, I noticed that it sounded pretty weird. Then I was able to place it -- she spoke with an asian accent. At that point, I decided to further investigate, by looking at her head again. The characteristic squinty eyes were there, but not to the degree possessed by most asians. However, her skin was pretty white and her hair was really white, whiter than Richard Simmons is gay. Also, her relative mastery of the American language and the lack of any rice products among her purchases made me think -- is being Asian just a temporary condition? Is yellowness just a precursor to being white? I rarely see many older Asians; is this because they all turned white? As an Asian, for the moment at least, I thought you might be able to help.
-Ripper, aharkins@vt.edu, 3.16.99
A.Fascinating. There are several possibilities which may explain this bizarre woman. Most obviously, she may very well be a mulatto. Some of them have been known to change between different races, chameleon-like. But it's also possible that she's a hardcore asian who happens to be several hundred years old, an age which a surprising number of asians attain, as a result of eating nothing but rice -- by the way, true asians make their own, so she wouldn't be buying any. But when people of any color reach that age, all the pigment drains from their skin and hair, much like the leaves in fall. So while she may look cracker on the outside, if you cut her up, you'd probably see she's 100% asian within.
Q. I noticed that the "Free the Juice" page excludes the most abundant race of all, mermen (or merpeople being the pc thing to say). 2/3 of the planet is covered in ocean, so that means there are many more blue people than the rest of us combined. We've all seen the proof of mermen and mermaids in "The Little Mermaid" and we know the consequences of not respecting blue power from the destruction of racist Atlantis. The new millenium might just brave a new order to the world as the blue race is sick of being ignored. Shouldn't "Free the Juice" be the first to try to appease angry Poseidon and his legions of trident-bearing blue dudes?
-Clint, gte508@prism.gatech.edu, 3.15.99
A. You raise an interesting, if not valid, point. In response to numerous requests for information regarding mermen and other b-side races, Free the Juice will soon add a new section devoted to the minorities of minorities.
Q. I too am confused. I'm a quarter Arabic and the rest mutt. Does the majority of me (Arabic) make me Arabic or just Other? What are Arabs anyway? Are they a mix between injuns and crackers? Please shed some light on this subject for me.
-Jay, jrs2j@server3.mail.virginia.edu, 3.1.99
A. I won't speculate as to which category you fall under, because it's really not that important. Suffice it to say, you're not in the upper echelon of ethnicity. Like Mexicans (i.e. people from Miami), Arabs are one of numerous cusp races. They can be identified by their beards, turbans and membership in any one of several terrorist organizations. They most likely descend from asians and negros, with some injun and cracker thrown in -- in other words, they pretty much epitomize "other."
Q. I am really confused. I think I am a cracker, but I have brown spots all over me (some call them "freckles"). Does this mean I am part black, part indian (some of them are a little reddish) or part mulatto?
-Shannon, gte522j@prism.gatech.edu, 2.18.99
A. What you've got is some kind of freaky disease. I've heard of cases like yours, but I've never seen one. My best guess is that you come from a long line of interracial breeding. For some reason, however, the different colors didn't blend together, and similar to oil in water, you have spots of negro and injun that haven't mixed with the cracker. Therefore, I wouldn't classify you as cracker, negro, injun or mulatto -- you would most likely fall under the category of "other." Don't feel bad because you're a freak though. I'm sure there are dozens of other people who share your affliction.
Q. I am an avid visitor to "Free the Juice" but today I noticed something that disturbed me a lot. The black man and the Indian man are not holding hands on the main page! What's up with this, although I'm neither black nor Indian, I see this as very offensive. Is it too much to ask to have the red and black join hands? Red and black are colors that often go well together. Checkers, Roulette, and the movie all combine the colors red and black. I think "Free the Juice" should too.
-Jeff, gte43438547686769784534@prism.gatech.edu, 2.9.99
A. Hm. While you may raise a valid issue, certain logistical issues interfere with the conjoining of hands between the chief and the negro. Therefore, we must assume that the harmony transfers from the negro, through the cracker and chink and into the red man.
Q. I am a black female and I am here with my ethnically confused boyfriend. We are greatly offended by your webpage. You have left out a very special group, just to the south. Hispanics (a.k.a. Mexicans) deserve to be belittled as well. You may not believe that I am an actual black person because this letter is not written in ebonics. I have no response to that.
-Gina, wndrfulwmn@hotmail.com, 2.6.99
A. Hispanics (a.k.a. whites who've been out in the sun too long) are one of a number of "cusp" races - those which aren't a race in themselves and yet don't quite fit in with any other race. But if you want information about them, here you go: Hispanics are originally from Miami. They can be identified by their numerous scars, often a result of frequent knife-fights. They eat tacos, burritos and other Hispanics. For those Hispanics who don't live in Miami, their most frequent occupation is either sneaking into America or being deported.
Q. This black guy, who lives down the hall from me, told me that he was going to kick my honkey ass. I am a honkey, but I have a yellow belt in Tae Kwon Do. I think that makes me asian, and asians kick everyone's ass. I know this because my sister is asian. So since I am asian, can I kick this black guy's ass?
-Jeff, outraged@georgia.edu, 2.6.99
A. It's a popular misconception, but not all asians have ass-kicking abilities. In fact, many are tubby and lazy. But before you go challenging anyone to a fight, give yourself the asian test: 1) have you noticed increased math abilities? and 2) are your eyes getting squinty? If not, avoid him like the black plague. Otherwise, go for it.
Q. Why is the word bitch considered racial slander? In high school I called a black girl a bitch and she kicked the shit out of me and my vice principal wanted to suspend me for using "racial slander." I have always been under the impression that bitch was appropriate for use when refering to any race. I always thought it was more of a gender issue. Like I could understand the reaction of the vice principal if I had called a guy "bitch," that would have been gender slander, and I admit this girl was rather big and hairy, but she was female.
-Allie, aadams@vt.edu, 2.04.99
A. Eric Harkins is a bitch, and he's a guy, mostly. So anyone can be a bitch. White bitches, black bitches, yellow bitches. That VP was probably a bitch too.
Q. If white people are called "crackers" or "honkeys," black people are called "niggers" or "coons," red people are called "injuns" and "savages," and yellow people are called "chinks" and "shit-eaters," what do I call a mulatto if I see one?
-Justin, juwest@vt.edu, 1.26.99
A. Adam Harkins.
Q. If there is an albino, a black, a red and a yellow woodchuck in the woods, which one do you think could chuck the most wood if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
-Ben, gwaldrup@vt.edu, 1.26.99
A. This question is more complex than one might think. First of all, the yellow woodchuck would start analyzing the best mathematical approach to the problem, and the red woodchuck would attempt to communicate with the spirit of the trees. The albino would then capture the black woodchuck and force him into slave labor. Technically, then, the black woodchuck would be the only woodchuck to actually chuck the wood, but the albino woodchuck would take all the profits.
Q. If Indians are red, how can you tell them apart from communists?
-John, johnbirch@redscare.gov, 1.24.99
A. For this very problem, scientists have developed the "boiling oil" test. First, immerse the red suspect in boiling oil. Then, watch them burn to death. Technically, this doesn't solve the problem of what they were, but if it was a communist, then you just did the rest of us a favor. And if it was an indian, then, oh well.*
*The opinions expressed by Dr. Song are not necessarily those of Free the Juice, Inc. For instance, Free the Juice does not endorse murder, even of communists.
Visit the 1998 Dr. Song archives.
Peace.
