Title: Castaways 5/16
Author: Gileswench
Spoilers: Through Older and Far Away
Feedback: Constructive criticism always welcome. Praise abjectly sought.
Disclaimer: It all belongs to Joss, Mutant Enemy, etc., etc., etc. I just let them have all the fun Joss won't. I own nothing except my twisted mind which you really don't want. Please don't sue.

Buffy's head swam. She sat down on one of her suitcases with a thump. Who was this stranger in Giles' body? And speaking of bodies...when had his gotten to be so nice?

She'd always known he was solid. They hadn't hugged many times, but when they had, she'd always enjoyed the feeling. He felt so safe. Warm. Dependable.

All that had certainly changed.

When he'd come back, she felt sure this was the thing that would make everything right; the way it had been before. Maybe not quite exactly, since she knew she couldn't get her mother back or return to the simplicity of the library, but nearly that.

But the Giles who came back refused to play by the old rules.

He scared her. He wanted too much from her. Kept reaching for her in ways that no longer felt safe.

This new, disturbing Giles wasn't the one she wanted.

She didn't.

Though she found herself idly wondering how it would feel to run her fingers through the hair on his chest.

Just curiosity. She'd never been with a man with hair on his chest.

Buffy firmly removed the thought from her mind. Sex had never done anything but make her life miserable. This thing with Spike was certainly proof of that.

She pondered for a moment on the question Tara had asked. Did she love Spike? How can you love someone you despise? But how can you be so compelled to have sex with someone you don't love?

But if she loved him, why did she feel so dirty every time it happened?

And if it was so horrible, why did she keep going back?

Was feeling dirty and degraded really better than feeling nothing?

She wanted things to go back to the way they were before, when she knew she would win. When she knew that Giles would be there for her when she needed him. When the things she didn't want to deal with were dealt with by someone else.

"Great, Buffy," she grumbled at herself, "mature much?"

Her brooding was interrupted by soft footsteps approaching. She turned to see Giles, still damp from his swim. He was being the unpredictable, dangerous Giles she didn't want to see. He wore a casual button-down shirt over his jeans now, but he'd left the front open and his feet were bare. When he got closer, she could see he hadn't shaved yet. He was, however, wearing an earring.

This was not the Giles Buffy wanted at all.

"I thought we'd take a walk to the plane after breakfast," he announced as he dug through his bag for more snack foods.

"What for?" Buffy asked sullenly. "It's still just sitting there with no way for us to get it going."

"I thought we could look for some clue as to how and why Ethan stranded us here. That and peanuts."

"Peanuts?"

Giles tossed Buffy a stick of jerky and a banana.

"I don't have much in here that will supply enough protein for us to get by on for long. We need all the food we can get in case we aren't rescued for a while."

Buffy peeled the banana to keep Giles from scolding her more than because she wanted to eat. She took a bite and was surprised at how good it tasted. Maybe she had been hungry more often than she realized of late. Still, the need to protest was strong within her.

"I don't eat much these days."

"So I noticed," Giles replied, "but that's going to change. If we're to be alone out here for any length of time, you need to keep your strength up. I can't manage for both of us if you start passing out from malnutrition."

"I don't pass out."

"Perhaps not yet, but even Slayers need to eat."

Buffy took another angry bite of banana.

"I'm eating, I'm eating."

"Well eat all of it, and the jerky."

"I don't like jerky."

"Sorry. I didn't choose the menu with you in mind. I wasn't planning to be stranded in the middle of nowhere with you."

"Not loving the customer service at the Cafe Rupert."

Still, Buffy ate both the banana and the jerky.

*****

After breakfast and a hike across the island, they reached the plane again. Buffy stopped yet again to pour sand out of her shoes.

"I don't like this place," she grumbled.

"I don't know," Giles returned. "Sun, sand, palm trees. Isn't this what you Americans consider paradise?"

"Sure. And it's what you Brits consider ripe for the colonizing, but I don't see you planting a Union Jack around here."

"I don't have a Union Jack with me. Perhaps I could tie a handkerchief to a quarterstaff and claim this island in the name of Empress Buffy the Perpetually Grumpy."

"Do you think someone would see it and rescue us?"

"I rather doubt it."

"Great. I'm gonna spend the rest of my life on this crappy little island with you making fun of me all day."

"Not necessarily. A few more days of this ceaseless grumbling and I may well slit my throat whilst shaving."

Buffy stared at Giles. Her face had gone white.

"Don't even joke about that."

"Then quit complaining for five minutes," Giles snapped.

He regretted his tone when he saw her chin begin to wobble. He moved to her side and offered her his handkerchief.

"I'm sorry, Buffy," he said, "but I don't know what to do anymore. You won't even try."

Buffy just shook her head. She was crying too hard to answer the question. Giles felt his heart crumble. He wrapped a comradely arm around her shoulders.

"Please don't cry," he said, "I never know what to do when a woman cries."

"Well...," Buffy hiccoughed between sobs, "you could offer me some ice cream if there was any in this place."

Giles looked down as Buffy looked up. Her eyes still brimmed over with tears, but Giles could see the effort she was making to calm herself. He surrendered and pulled her into his arms.

"Oh, Buffy, I would if I had any." He gently stroked her hair. "Go on and cry if you need to. Lord knows you've earned that much. Just do me one favor, will you?"

"W - what's that?" she choked out.

"Don't tell Xander about this. He'd never let me live it down."

Buffy gave a soggy chuckle and pulled back to wipe her eyes.

"No way I'm telling him. I'd lose all my superhero cool in his eyes."

They shared a wry smile.

"Feeling better?"

"A little. And a little not. Sorta embarrassed. I don't usually lose it like that."

"I know," Giles told her as he gave her shoulder a gentle squeeze. "But there's nobody here to see it, and I promise not to tell."

Buffy shrugged.

"Who would you tell, anyway? Even if we get off this island, you'll just go back to England where nobody would know who you're talking about anyway."

"Buffy, you know why I had to leave," he said. "Perhaps I can come back sometime, for a visit."

"Perhaps? Sometime? Don't I even rate a definitely or a soon?"

"Of course I'd like it to be soon, but I need to make sure you're standing on your own; taking responsibility. If I came back now, even for a time, I fear I'll seriously jeopardize your progress."

"Don't give me that crap, Giles," Buffy said, her eyes blazing. "You're my Watcher. You belong with me."

"But I don't belong *to* you."

Giles turned on his heel and stalked off toward the plane as Buffy stared after him. After a moment of stunned inactivity, she followed.

"What's that supposed to mean?" she demanded.

"I don't want to talk about it."

Buffy grabbed his arm.

"Oh no you don't, Giles. You can't just throw something like that in my face and walk away. Tell me what you mean."

"Buffy, please," Giles gritted out, "don't do this."

"Do what? Giles, you're mad at me and I don't even know why. And it's not like I can go ask Willow or Xander what I've done wrong now 'cause it's just you and me here. If I've screwed up, you have to tell me what I've done wrong."

"That's just it. I shouldn't have to tell you."

"Then how am I supposed to make it right?"

Giles stuffed his hands in his pockets and glared stubbornly at his toes. Buffy sighed in defeat and sat in the sand, looking out to sea.

"I can't do this by myself, y'know."

She looked small and vulnerable. Both stayed silent for a moment. At last Giles sat next to Buffy. He ran his hand through his hair, then spoke, his eyes also focused on the ocean.

"You'd be amazed at what you can do alone if you try, Buffy."

"I'm already alone. I'm just tired of being lonely. Can't you just come home?"

"Sunnydale isn't my home. It never was."

"Couldn't you pretend?"

Giles was silent for a long time. When he spoke, Buffy was astonished at the raw emotion she heard. Her Giles never talked this way.

"Twenty six years is a long time to pretend something. I've been pretending ever since I went crawling back to the Council with my tail between my legs that I'm something I'm not. Ethan was right. I'm not who you think I am."

"Yes you are. You're Giles."

"What? The stuttering librarian who gets knocked on the head every Tuesday night? The old codger who's so far past it you and your friends seem quite convinced he isn't really a man anymore? Your substitute mother?"

"I really wasn't completely myself when I said that. Anyway, you're too hairy to wear a halter top."

"Wardrobe aside, you seemed determined to cast me in the role whether I would or no."

"I knew you'd take care of stuff. And I thought you'd never let me down."

"Ah yes, I was to take care of everything you didn't feel like doing and then conveniently melt into the background when you didn't want to be bothered with me."

"That's not fair."

"Isn't it? I came back from England because you were back and what did you do as soon as I bloody got in the door? Ran off to see Angel, dumping the unpaid bills in my lap. You go drinking with Spike, of all people, and then expect me to hold your hand when you get sick."

"And you did. And I really, really appreciated it."

"No you didn't. You used my willingness to help you as an excuse. You stopped trying to do anything for yourself or Dawn."

"I was trying to deal with being alive again and keeping Will from finding out where she'd 'saved' me from and doing my daily Slaying. I couldn't do any more. I didn't have it in me."

"I flew halfway around the world to see you again, Buffy. I thought...maybe I had another chance."

He shook his head and pulled his lips into a tight, narrow line. Buffy looked at him, her eyes filled with confusion.

"I don't get it. Another chance at what?"

Giles stared stubbornly at the shore.

"I was wrong."

"Don't go cryptic on me, Giles. Share."

He got to his feet suddenly.

"We really ought to see what we can salvage from the plane soon. I'd like to at least try to create some shelter for tonight."

Buffy stood and kicked a plume of sand into the air in frustration. Still, it was clear that Giles had nothing more to say for the moment. Buffy briefly considered heading back to camp to sulk, but she knew that would only make Giles angrier than he already was. Besides, there was no way he was getting on that plane by himself. The question of how he would manage to do it aside, that plane had been sabotaged by Ethan Rayne and there was no telling what other surprises the sorcerer had waiting for them. There really was no choice.

Buffy followed her Watcher to the plane.

*****

Title Page
Author's Page
NEXT