"Buff? You up?" I lightly knocked on the closed door, waiting for permission to enter, even though this was one time I didn't need it.
"I'm awake, haven't tried the whole being up thing again. You can come in, the door's open." She was still in the bed; this time only sitting on top of the blankets, wearing some clothes didn't seem to fit her thin frame well. She was pale.
"This new girl, Fred I think, thought that maybe you'd want something to eat. Not really sure what it is exactly." I held out the serving tray. "Care to try?"
"Sure. Not eating for like five months can build up an appetite." She motioned me closer. "Why don't you come sit here and talk to me?" I was dumbfounded; she wanted me sitting next to her. On a bed. A bed we had slept in. Together. At the same time. "Are you or aren't you?"
"Yes, yes. Of course." You can do this Spike; you can function like this doesn't give you so much hope you could be crushed under the sheer weight of it. I placed the tray down on top of her lap, and she casually began to nibble on it.
"You didn't bring anything for yourself?"
"Nah, didn't think it would be quite the right time."
"If you're hungry you can eat too."
"I'm fine Buffy." I needed to change the subject away from me. "What happened while I was gone?"
"I got to talk to everyone. Tired me out a little, but I missed everyone so much." Her voice got quieter as she fiddled with a piece of bread. "It's different now isn't it? Then before? Dawn seems so adult and yet so small at the same time. And Giles…"
"What about him?" She looked down, away from me, and I wanted to go back just a little. She'd paused for a reason.
"He, well he showed me his Watcher's Diary. More specifically the entry he wrote when I died. I failed him I think. He told me that I didn't, but Giles would never come out and say it if I had."
"Luv, you didn't fail anyone. He was proud of you. You did what you had to do. If anyone
failed that night it was me. I was supposed to protect you. Protect Dawn."
"You did the best that you could. But I didn't do what I was supposed to. Dying was not something I was supposed to do. Not again. Not yet. I was simply supposed to throw my
sister off into that hole. It wasn't me that was intended to die."
"Everyone is supposed to die at some point, it's in the cards." I felt like I was lying to her, even though it was somewhat true. We all died; some of us just didn't leave.
She looked me in the eyes and began speaking much louder than before. "How many times should I be allowed to die Spike? How many hands will I keep being dealt? I folded that night. I threw my crappy pair of twos onto the table and walked away. But the dealer ignored that, didn't he? Pulled me back, handed me some chips and a full house and told me to take another try at it. It feels like cheating. What made me deserving enough to have this third chance? Nobody else got another round to play. Why should I?" She started to cry softly and I instinctively went to wipe her cheeks with my thumb. She didn't want to be back. This wasn't what she had wished for. It was only what we had.
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry I let Willow do this to you. I'm sorry for anything that's hurt you. Including me. I'm mostly sorry for me. I should have stopped her. Shouldn't have let her suck me into it."
"Don't be sorry. I, I just don't know. It's so good and wonderful at the same time as being so bad and horrible. I never thought that anything would be the same after that night. I'd never see anyone I knew. I'd never finish school. I'd never get married. I'd never have children. I'd never even get to eat a stupid ice cream cone ever again. And it was terrifying to think about, losing everything that I could have had. But, it felt right somehow. Like I'd done the thing that was needed, regardless of what I'd thought was going to happen when I climbed up that tower. I'm happy I'm back Spike, don't doubt that. I'm truly happy that I get this other opportunity to try again, to do the things that I should have done before. No regrets the next time. Don't tell anyone else about this yet. I want to, maybe. I'm not sure yet. But I want it to be me, when the time comes."
She only wanted me to know. She had chosen me. I stroked her hair. It was so soft. She yawned, and I saw her attempting to shake the wave of tiredness off of her. I stood to leave. "I'll leave the food in here. Rest some more. This must have tired you out."
"Don't go just yet, please. I have a question. What did you do on the night that I died?"
"Oh Buf, I don't think that this is a story for right now. I don't think this is a story for ever actually."
"I want to know. Please?" She knew I couldn't resist. She knew that I'd do anything if she asked, even things I swore would never happen. She knew me too well.
"I went and got drunk with Xander. Are you happy? We sat in this crappy dive somewhere and just drank. We didn't talk, or even look at each other. But we were both there together. Two lost drunken fools.
"He stayed there with me until Anya came and took him home. She asked me if I wanted to go with. But no. I wanted to kill him for having her, not accept an invite for a walk back to my crypt. I stayed until I was thrown out. And it was then when I was going to start my new hobby of sunbathing, but Niblet's voice just kept floating around in my head. So I went home to her. Tucked her in her bed and sat on the floor next to it as she sobbed. I cried too. Worst night of my life. Why don't you get some sleep Slayer? I'll be back later." I got up off of the bed and moved out into the hallway.
"Spike?"
"Yes luv?"
"Thank you."
"For what?"
"For being there for her. For me."
"I'll always be there. Today and everyday after. I love Dawn. I love you Buffy." But her eyes had already closed, I doubt she heard me. I quietly latched the door behind me, and I could have sworn she was talking about me in her sleep, but that might have just been my imagination.
