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Title: A Mile In His Moccasins 7/26 Giles knocked on Buffy's door. "Can I come in?" He heard a muffled curse and some fumbling around before his own voice floated out with a less than convincing tone. "Sure. Great. Door's open." He slipped into the room quickly only to find Buffy sitting on the bed awkwardly. She was fully dressed, but the covers were wadded up in front of her. Her cheeks were flushed and her hair standing up at odd angles. Her expression was clearly meant to be innocent, but it failed miserably at conveying the concept. Giles pinched the bridge of his nose. "What's up, Giles?" "I have the distinct impression I might ask you the same thing." "I didn't mean to, Giles. It just...how do you control this thing?" "I'm not sure control is the right word." "Well, does it have an off switch, at least?" "Have you tried thinking of something unpleasant? That sometimes does the trick." "I cannot believe we're having this conversation." "No more can I. In fact, let's not have it right now, please." "Okay. You're the one who'll have to live with the rep for being a horny bastard if I can't get this under control." "Oh for heaven's sake," Giles snapped, "take a cold shower!" "You don't have to yell at me." "I thought you might like to know your sister just got home. Do you have any idea how late it is?" "I was out later than this all the time. You know that." "Yes, but you were fulfilling your destiny as the Slayer. Dawn was simply out dancing until all hours." "And she still gets better grades than I did. She did her homework before she went." "Did you see it?" "Well...no. But if she wasn't doing it, I'd get a call from the school." "Are you paying any attention to Dawn at all? She needs you to be involved in her life, Buffy." For the first time in his life, Giles found himself on the receiving end of a full-blown Ripper glare. He backed up a step. "Don't you dare tell me about being involved. You were so thrilled to find out I was alive again that you hightailed it out of here faster than a speeding bullet. I needed help and you couldn't get away from us soon enough. Way to shatter my last damn happy illusion, Giles. Until then I really thought you cared about me. Guess I was wrong." "How many times did you expect me to allow you to use me, Buffy? I was a bloody convenience for you. Fix this for me, Giles. Make that problem go away for me, Giles. Oh, but don't expect anything in return. I didn't matter at all. How long did you think I would stay when it was clear you didn't want me here? Time and again I reached out to you only to find you weren't there." "I wasn't?" Buffy asked, genuinely confused. "Where was I?" "With Angel. With your misery. With bloody Spike. Anywhere but with me. Was it really too much to ask that you'd have two minutes for me?" Giles sat on the edge of the bed, defeat clear in the set of his shoulders. Buffy crawled across the bed to sit next to him, her anger gone as quickly as it had appeared. "Yeah, it was. It was more than I had to give then. And I can't guarantee I've got a whole lot more now. Giles, you made me the best Slayer you could, but nobody really prepared me to be a grown up. I wasn't supposed to ever have to cope with all of this. I was supposed to be dead, if not from the Master, then from Glory. And if not from her, from some random demon or vamp of the week. I was never supposed to grow up. And I didn't. I died. I was even okay with it. But now..." she shook her head sadly. "Now it's all clean house, be Dawn's mom, prove I'm good enough to flip burgers at Doublemeat Palace, pay the bills on a minimum wage job, and then go save the world. Again. And it never stops. And just when I've given everything I have to give and then some, somebody comes along wanting more of me. There's just not enough me to go around." Giles took her hand gently and looked into her eyes. They may have actually been his own eyes, but he could see Buffy looking out of them. "Yes, there is, Buffy. I know it's hard, and you're right, you probably weren't prepared very well for this. But that doesn't mean you can't do it." "But I can't do it alone, Giles. I never could." Giles shook his head. "I don't believe that for one moment. You are an exceptional young woman if only you'll accept the fact." "Yeah. I know. One girl in all the world, and all that. Or two now, I guess. I'm not even so special that way, anymore." Buffy stood and paced restlessly. She stopped and faced Giles. "What's so special about me?" she asked. "I have superpowers to fight vampires, but you and Xand and Will can do it, too. Maybe not as well, but you've all dusted more than your fair share of vamps. I'm not as smart as you and Will. I don't have things under control the way Mom did. I never seem to know what to say or do. Sure, I can dust a vamp in no time flat, but I'm a lousy driver and I go through men like...something that goes through things and is a big disaster. Now I can't even find a group of loser nerds. They're hitting me on my blind side all the time. I don't feel like there's anything exceptional about me, with the possible exception of my incredible lameness as a human being. And now I don't even have being the Slayer to fall back on. If I'm not the Slayer, what the hell am I that's so great?" "You're Buffy Summers, who is quite possibly the bravest person I've ever met in my life." "Brave, huh? So brave I couldn't wait to crawl back into my grave as soon as I got out of it." "Are you doing that now? I don't think so. And certainly, after sacrificing yourself to save the world and humanity twice, you'd earned your rest. You were cheated of it. But you're back. And you've forgiven Willow and Xander and the others..." Buffy picked at a thread on the bedspread and refused to meet Giles' eye. "No, I haven't, really." "But...Willow still lives here. And she talked about Xander and Anya coming here for movie nights...I really thought..." "Giles, I don't have any right to be mad at them. They were trying to save me. I owe them my life. It's not their fault I didn't want it." She looked down at herself with a wry smile. "Whaddya know?" she observed. "that thinking about rotten stuff trick worked. I'll have to remember that." "It's one I've relied on far too many times," Giles admitted. "And Buffy, you have every right to be angry about what was done to you. You have the right to let people know you're upset and why." "After all this time, even?" "It certainly didn't stop you from giving me a piece of your mind just now." Buffy shrugged. "It wasn't like I had the chance to finish yelling at you before you left. The guys...it's been months and I've seen them every day. I'd feel pretty dumb saying something now." "Just think about it." "When did you get to be touchy-feely share guy?" "I'll let you know when I do." They smiled at one another. "So what are you doing up here, anyway, Giles? You came up here for something and we got sorta sidetracked with your definite lack of need for Viagra and my eternal angst." "Ah, well...it would seem that I need some form of sleepwear." "And you brought your suitcase with you because...?" "Cover?" "Giles, did you pretend to be me?" "Well...a little. I'm not sure why." "And what did you do as me?" "I...well...I told Willow not to keep Dawn out so late." "And...?" "And...well...sort of lead them to think..." "That we were getting all snuggly up here?" "No! Of course not!" "Then what?" "That...I was sleeping in your room and you were bringing something up to me." Buffy groaned. "You didn't!" "I'm afraid I did. Is it bad?" "You know what they're going to be doing tomorrow, don't you?" "What?" "Researching the history of Watcher/Slayer nookie with emphasis on mind control spells." "Oh dear lord. Really?" "Yu-huh. so there's only one thing to do now." "What's that?" "Make them think they have something to research while we sit up all night telling each other how to cope with being in the wrong body." "Buffy," he chided, "that's dishonest." "But fun and informative. Now, about this whole standing up to pee thing...what's the deal with that?" *****
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