Title: A Mile In His Moccasins 13/26
Author: Gileswench
Feedback: Constructive criticism always welcome. Praise abjectly sought.
Disclaimer: It all belongs to Joss, Mutant Enemy, etc., etc., etc. I just let them have all the fun Joss won't. I own nothing except my twisted mind which you really don't want. Please don't sue.

The next two days were spent in virtually nonstop research. Every moment any of the gang had free was immediately filled with reading, net surfing, donut eating, and organization of what little evidence had been found. When everybody began to drop with exhaustion, they headed to their beds. If any of the gang had anything to say about the fact that Buffy and Giles shared a bed every night, they kept it to themselves.

On the third night, Giles announced that they all needed a break and told everybody to close their books. Buffy was the first to take him up on the offer. She rubbed her eyes.

"Goodie. I was going seriously cross-eyed here. I swear, Giles, I just got you new glasses, but I'm thinking it's time to hit Lenscrafters again. I think they got the prescription wrong."

"You might try actually resting my eyes once in a while. Go spend some time with Willow or something. I'm going to do a quick patrol and turn in early."

"Be careful, Giles."

"I'll be fine, Buffy. Remember, I train you."

"Yeah, but last night you broke a nail. I don't want to have to redo the manicure again already."

Giles rolled his eyes in reply and was out the door.

Buffy and Willow headed home for a girls' night in. They settled in with ice cream, romantic videotapes, and bare feet. In no time the tape was forgotten in favor of gossip.

"So what's it like, Buffy? Being a guy?"

"Pretty weird, Will. I keep feeling like I need a shave all over, but I don't think Giles would go for that."

"Um...how much shaving are we talking here? We're not talking...like...shoulders or anything, right?"

Buffy smiled.

"The shoulders are just fine. It's not like Giles is an ape guy or anything. Just...I'm not used to being this hairy. Or having...stuff."

"Stuff...?" Willow frowned in puzzlement, then her eyes grew wide as she understood. "Oh! Stuff. Like...stuff. Yeah, that's gotta be weird."

"Weird does about sum it up. I mean, I guess it isn't for Giles 'cause he always had it, but it's the uberfreak for me."

"I wonder how he's feeling not having...stuff."

"He's a little wigged sometimes, but I think the thing that gets him most is not being able to reach stuff...but not like...stuff. I mean like shelves and stuff like that stuff."

"I got you, Buff," Willow grinned. So...you guys haven't been..."

Buffy glared at Willow.

"Gutter brain. It's not like that. It's more a...comfort thing. And an answer strange questions in the middle of the night thing. And sometimes an explain the really funky things we've done with each others' lives thing. I don't think he's into his new wardrobe."

"How do you like your new haircut?"

"Tres Louise Brooks. Not something I was expecting. But I have to admit, it's sorta cute now I'm done yelling at him."

"It's funny, but when I had my First Slayer dream, you had that haircut in part of it. The part with the play. Only it was a lot darker. But I like it even when it's blonde."

"And he said something about the other being too much work to take care of. I think it's revenge for the leather suit."

"He does give you funny looks when you wear it."

"I think it's 'cause I told him I caught some guys checking out his butt when I wore it."

The girls giggled and turned their attention back to the movie. Several minutes later, Buffy turned to Willow with a thoughtful look.

"Hey Will? How do you think Giles would look with a goatee?"

"I'm thinking not happy."

"At least I'm not going to give him another tattoo. Speaking of which..." she rolled up her left sleeve. "Eyghon all gone. I wonder when he did that."

"I dunno, but it was gone when he came back after...you came back."

"You knew this? Why didn't I know this?"

"I just saw. One night. In the kitchen. A - and you were a little distracted then, so that's probably why you didn't see. That and the way Giles is Mr. Layers of clothes."

"He's really not one to show off the goods, is he?" Buffy stared at the movie pensively for a moment. She furrowed her brow and bit her lip. At last she turned to Willow again. "I know what he said to you. That night. Part of it, anyway."

"Buffy, we don't really need to bring this up, do we?"

"I think we do. I think part of why I've been such a big mess is that I've never talked to you and Xander about this. I tried to keep you from finding out where I'd been, and then I didn't want to talk about it when you found out because I didn't want you guys to feel bad. And because I wasn't sure what would happen if I let myself be mad at you."

Willow turned miserable eyes to her friend.

"You know we wanted to save you, right? And I know we didn't and I feel kinda bad about it, but are you really mad? I mean, you get to be alive again. Isn't that a good?"

"Sometimes yes. Sometimes no. But lately it's yes more than it's no. So I guess the answer would have to be...sort of. And it's taken me a while to get to this point. Don't get me wrong, Will; I love you guys and I know you were trying to do me a favor. It's just...if I die again...just...let me go. Don't do me anymore favors, okay?"

"Don't make me promise that, Buffy. Please."

"I know you don't want to, but when the time comes again, I really want you to move on and know that I'm okay. And you'll be okay without me, too. Just think, you could live without being in constant danger. Like it was before you met me."

Willow shook her head emphatically.

"It can't be like it was then, and I don't want it to be. Do you even remember what I was like then? Geek girl. Invisible geek girl."

"But safe. You and Xand were going along having your safe, perfectly contented little lives and then along comes Slaygal to stick you in the line of fire."

"The Hellmouth provided the line of fire. You saved us a bunch of times, and helped us learn to save other people. And you didn't just save my life a million times over; you made me like me. Everybody else looked at me and saw...not much. You saw more than just smart and nerdy. You made me see it, too."

"There was always a lot to see. You and Xand...you have no idea what it was like when I became the Slayer. Up to then I was worse than Cordelia was when I first met her. I was shallow and into what everyone else was into no matter how stupid it was because I didn't dare not like it in case nobody liked me. Being sheeplike was safer. Then suddenly, sacred duty, which didn't mix very well with sheepiness. No friends at all. Zip. Nada. And then there was the part where I couldn't tell anyone why I was suddenly spazz girl. Once you and Xander found out...somebody knew. Somebody understood. As much as anybody who doesn't have a sacred duty gig can understand."

"Is that why you and Faith got so...so...for a while there? Did you really think she could understand you better than me?"

Buffy shrugged.

"It was such a rush. Suddenly there was someone who I thought really got it all. And she seemed so confident; so sure of things."

"So psychopathic."

"In hindsight, yes. Definitely of the less than stable. But it was kinda nice for a while not to be the only freak."

"Buffy, you're not the only freak...that didn't come out right."

Buffy laughed.

"It's okay, Will. I got you. So do you promise? Will you let me go next time?"

"Buffy..."

"Please, Will. Next time I want it to end. No bringing me back, no getting anyone else to bring me back."

Willow smiled wryly.

"You had to take away my loophole, didn't you?"

"I know my Willow. Promise?"

"Okay. I promise. But could you promise me something, Buffy?"

"What's that?"

"Don't make me keep this one anytime soon."

"I'll do my best."

The girls hugged fiercely.

"That's one nice thing about being Giles," Buffy commented as she held her friend.

"What's that, Buff?"

"I can hug people as hard as I want and not worry about hurting them. I could get used to that."

"You'll never get used to it, freak girl."

Buffy giggled.

"You know me way too well, Will."

"Buffy? What happens when you and Giles get back to normal?"

Buffy pulled back and looked at the floor.

"I thought we just agreed I was a freak."

Willow rolled her eyes.

"As normal as you guys ever get."

Buffy shrugged.

"I dunno. We haven't talked much about it."

"Well...what do you want to happen?"

"I know...I know I want him to stay."

"Have you told him that?"

"I've hinted. But he always changes the subject. Pretty clear he's not with that program. Almost makes me hope we don't find an answer too soon."

"Maybe it's not that he doesn't want to stay. Maybe it's that he's not so sure you want him to. Did you ever think of that?"

"What are you saying, Will?"

"I'm saying stop hinting and just say what you mean, you big dummy. Come right out and tell him you want him to stay."

"And if he still won't?"

"Then at least you gave it your best shot. Just carpe the damn diem already, Buff."

Buffy squared her shoulders and took a deep breath.

"Okay. This is me getting ready to carpe Giles' diem. I'll do it tonight. I don't want to lose him, Will."

Willow smiled wryly at her friend.

"Were you telling me the truth with that whole 'comfort thing' thing?"

Buffy tried very hard not to blush.

"Could I just take the fifth, here?"

"You want to carpe Giles...like that?"

"Too freaksome?"

"I dunno. It might be just about the right amount of freaksome."

"If I don't freak Giles."

"Buffy," Willow chided. "You've been doing that since tenth grade. Why change now?"

*****

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