barbara jean
traumatic brain injury survivor
MVA 12/24/97 (semi wreck)
springfield, mo
Traumatic Brain Injury Web Site
bjscloset@yahoo.com
Welcome to bjscloset!
I thought you might like to hear a little bit about me and why I've ended up on the internet!
I was born in Lincoln, Nebraska (GO BIG RED)!
I've always been a tad bit on the 'out going' side, so being around people was sort of
second nature! I've done all sorts of jobs, from being a secretary fresh out of high
school, to driving a taxi cab, welding on 300 ft. cat-walks, working construction on a road crew with 13 guys, delivering pizza, bar maid at a rock 'n roll joint, playing gigs in a rock 'n roll band, to driving a semi across all 48 states and Canada! But the jobs I've enjoyed the most have been those that involved driving!
There's something about it that I can't explain. It's a freedom......a sense of who
you are....an ability to get involved in as much of life as you'll let yourself get
involved with! YOU are the one that makes the difference! YOU can make your job as
hard or as easy as you want to. (although I'm sure many a driver will disagree with
that comment)!
I've had student drivers that made me wonder why I had ever begun driving in the first
place! Been on roads and in weather conditions that made me want to go home and
find a 'real job'...as one of my brothers would make the fatal mistake of saying in a
conversation! And seen some parts of the country that only a trucker can see! These
are experiences that I will never forget, and may never see again!
These were places that only a dreamer could see.....only a romantic could enjoy.....and
only a woman would appreciate. These were times that will live forever in my mind and
in my heart!
(it was totally accidental, believe me)!
When you're a truck driver....especially a "WOMAN" truck driver, you are expected to WORK
like a MAN, and ACT like a LADY! WOW! And they think it's rough just keeping a job! And then you have to be alert enough to see what's ahead of you and be quick enough to react in time.
These things were second nature to me also. I think that's part of the reason I loved my job. It took me many years to realize that I was good at what I did, and only a split second to have it all come crashing down around my feet.
I was the driver who saw things long before they happened and warned the other drivers of
what was coming down. I was the one that kept the drivers awake with some of the crazy
things and experiences that happened to me from a "woman's" point of view. And I was the
one who would listen when nobody else would listen.
I made many friends out there on the big road, and very few enemies. You could always count on me to be there to help, and give you a few laughs along the way just to break the monotony. And if you think there's not a lot of THAT out there? Just TRY driving in a big truck and being aware of everything around you while chewing gum, smoking a cigarette, and talking on the CB radio at the same time! Heh, you almost need a college education to do that!
The job was a hard one, and it took me many years to realize that I was able to do it and
do it well. I learned in the school of 'hard knocks' they call it. I was given very
little real training and given the keys to an old 'cab over' (with no guts) and sent out to EXPLORE the world! What a joke! Driving is too difficult to do that to someone, but they did and they still do! (that's a scarey thought)!
There is no real education for a truck driver in this world of hurry up and go! Everybody wants it NOW and they don't want to learn what's really important. So, I had to be the one that slowed myself down, and of course, there were times when the only way to do that was take time off, get a motel room and get out of that truck! THAT didn't happen often enough sometimes!!
There were days I would pray for nasty weather just to have an excuse to actually stop for a real meal! Not the grab something and run thing! No wonder so many truck drivers look like they never had any exercise! The only exercise they get is behind the wheel of an 18 wheeler!
It's a MENTAL thing! You have to have so much stuff available to use at any given time that you don't have TIME to think! It has to be a spontaneous decision. It has to be so free
and easy that you automatically do whatever you need to do at that given moment.
And you must have the knowledge in the first place to know what to do when the time comes! Now that's not something just anybody can do! That's part of the reason we have so many 'goof offs' out there! Somebody told the population that ANYBODY can drive a truck! (it had to be a MAN, 'cuz women wouldn't be that stupid)! oops!
Well, one day I ran into one of those 'goof off' drivers.......or should I say, HE ran
into ME! He never shut up long enough to listen to the CB radio when I tried to warn
him of the danger, and he never opened his eyes long enough to SEE in front of his own
nose! That's what's really scarey! When I think that there are actually drivers out
there that aren't aware of what's going on around them! WOW! That makes me want to
hide! (or drive an army tank)!
I was rear-ended on the interstate when traffic had stopped. This driver had almost
1/2 mile to stop his vehicle in broad daylight on dry roads....less than 20 miles
from his own home town! BAD NEWS!
So, now 21 months after my accident I still suffer with the trauma. I'm the one that has
headaches 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. I'm the one that has nausea so bad I don't eat
for days because I'm not hungry, or dizziness so bad that the wall seems to be my friend
and helper. Or vision so messed up that black specks and dots and shadows and blurred
words are all that I see when I open my eyes every morning.
I'm the one that can't go to a movie at the theater because the sounds literally cause me pain because they are so loud and the quickness of the things on the movie screen flash by me so fast that my stomach goes into knots and makes me sick for hours.
I'm the one that suffers in silence when people look at me and wonder what's wrong because they can't SEE anything wrong. But they don't see the inside of my brain. They can't see what it's like to feel the pain in your head when someone turns a radio on, or you hear the tick of a clock that is 2 rooms away, or the cries of a child that feel as if they will pierce your eardrums until they BURST into your head!
These are some of the every day things that happen with a traumatic brain injury. This
is the silent life that we live. There are no quick fix remedies for the pain and
hardships that we face in a world filled with hurry and go people! We are slow to aid and sometimes unforgiving to those with handicaps and deficits we cannot see with the naked eye. We are quick to judge and slow to praise someone with deficits that make simple every day life almost unbearable to live.
And we will never understand the life they lead unless we walk in their shoes. And for
most of us, that will never happen unless we have actually had that experience ourselves.
I was forced into this life, and I am struggling just to survive those simple things I used to do so spontaneous.
I know first hand how it feels to walk in their shoes. There is pain, and frustration so
strong and so vast that it would overflow the Grand Canyon.
There is desperation to return to the person you USED to be so badly that you would almost sell your own soul to get there.
And there is anger and rage so strong that many will spend endless days and nights trying to run and trying to find someone who will listen......just listen to them. Not just SEE them, but LISTEN to them and understand. JUST UNDERSTAND that they are STILL the person they used to be....they have just changed a bit, that's all. They still think and feel, but with different parts of the brain, or damaged parts of the brain. But they STILL FEEL!
That is my driving force now since my traumatic brain injury (TBI). I may not
physically drive that truck anymore, but I am being driven almost daily by that force that pushes me, propels me to go onward, to find a way that they will listen to us, that they will SEE we are still real people! We are STILL ALIVE......we have SURVIVED our trauma, but the reality is we still live through it again every day of our lives as if it just happened.
You can help in this struggle we face if you will only listen with your heart and not your eyes. Listen to the pain and hardship and then LEARN what you can do to help! LEARN what you can do to understand! Learn and then PASS that knowledge on to the next
person you meet!
Remember that life is short, and one day your life may just be snatched right out from
under you! That is the hard thing to face! That is one of the biggest hurdles that a
TBI'er may face with this injury. But if we know that there are people out there who will actually care and listen to us, that may make that hurdle just a little bit shorter! And it may stop us from stumbling and falling so far next time.
God speed and guide you always,
~ barbara jean ~
Some of my favorite LINKS-MEDICAL-TBI links.
FUN Pages and Post Cards!
HERBAL LINKS-ALTERNATIVE HEALING-EEG Info.
STORIES, POEMS, FEELINGS! (this is your page to relax a bit).
BJ's BACK PAGE-PROFILES-TBI site-Refer Me-EMAIL addy.
