Spector Halloween Party '05! Part III

Boo!

At that the Dukes of Hazard came from TV and not the movie with Bo and Luke checking out the Mile High Stewardess. I mean physically checking her out but she didn't seem to mind.

Daisy Duke was in a red and black lumberjack shirt with the sleeves rolled up sorta like a guy and it fit her well. Her white shorts were sufficiently tight to hold a guy's attention.

Bo Duke is OK but sounds a little like Bo Derek though he certainly doesn't look like her. Bo wore a blond, Dolly Parton wig, a warm yellow shirt, brown cowboy hat and Levis with a blue and gold belt with a huge blue and gold buckle.

Luke Duke, I love that name! Who could name someone as a poem? He had short, dark brown hair, a blue shirt, gray cowboy hat and Levis with a brown belt with a big brass buckle.

Daisy told me, "In 1979 women had limited roles in movies or TV but I was a big hit with the fans. Now in our new movie I really am the Star so I can get away with anything I want with my two brothers."

At that time the Four Desperate Housewives came by. It was the actresses chained in a coffle and led by the series’ hunky gardener, John, played by Jesse Metcalfe. Each actress was attached to the actress in front by a chain to the suede collars at their neck. I ignored the hunky guy with some difficulty; after all he is underage.

I interviewed them as they came by. First was Marcia Cross in a red merry widow or bustier, I can never tell the difference and my boyfreind calls them both Teddies, and a Purple collar. She told me she was happy to be here. "I love New York. They call their subway a Subway and not anything prissy, like the Metro!"

Teri Hatcher wore a black lace camisole and barely there black panties; ready for action in her Red collar. "Maxim Magazine, one of my favorites, published a photo of the Bush twins, Barbara and Jenna Bush, depicted wearing lingerie in the aftermath of a pillow fight! They really look hot in the photo, standing hands on their hips, smiling and looking a little bit vixen while feathers float in the air around them. It was created and published as an April Fool's prank. Jenna looked as if she enjoyed it a little bit too much. Why do children of Presidents not get to have fun?"

The harried housewife who can do it all, Felicity Huffman, looked ravishing in her lavender mesh pullover with coordinated Green collar. She asked me, "What do you call a Moslem that gets a combined SAT score of 343?" When I didn't answer before the pull on her chain almost toppled her she gave the Answer, "An overachiever."

The new 'thing,' Eva Longoria, was in pink push up bra and matching bikini panties clashing a little with her Orange collar. Eva asked me, "What's it mean when the gardener calls me a Frito Lay?" I told her, "That’s slang for a Mexican Slut?"

The person the Spector staff voted the "best use of a towel in a locker room since the Chi Chi," Nicollette Sheridan, in a silver with stone like striations of gray with her Blue collar. "College football coaches have the 'opponents' football locker room painted pink to 'pacify' them. The opposing teams don't complain so who does? Gays and lesbians, that's who. 'Pink has a special meaning to gay and lesbian people. It's part of our culture, our language, our lives. Pink belongs to us, not to a bunch of locker room jocks!' Eva is wearing pink; does that mean she is a lesbian? I don't think so!"

When the awful(ly cute) coffle stopped as John spoke with Bo Duke, Daisy turned to speak with the Four Desperate Housewives about TV series and how they've changed.

"For one thing," she said. "Censorship has greatly diminished."

Nicollette Sheridan, did you know the cast calls her by her nickname, Nicotine Patch? Well, I sure didn't. Anyway, Nicollette told us, "Thank goodness for that. Despite all the criticism our show isn't really any racier than what can be seen on the soaps for decades."

Eva Longoria said, "Well, that's been great for me but I can see the complaints about children seeing us. But society has changed and more clothing is not likely to get teen age girls to cover up."

Felicity Huffman opined, "Another, and perhaps more positive change has been working women. My character works and is shown to be more able than her husband. In contrast, Eva's character has been kept from working at what she does well by her husband and with time on your hands, . . . "

" . . . it means you have too lose a strap on your wristwatch," finished Teri Hatcher.

Marcia Cross "I think showing that husbands and wives being sexual creatures is true to life. How else can we get new viewers? Our series shows how disfunctional extramarital sex is therefore marital sex is functional!"

I spoke to Jesse Metcalfe just before he pulled his Housewives away. "We have an heady mix of sub-plots: murder, teenage drug abuse and underage sex are all ingredients of our success even though underage sex is not present in the sense of child molesting or even the Mann Act. What we did was show the increasing interest of women to mate and marry with younger men. It just happens that one is in her mid-twenties plus and is a woman while the other is over eighteen but not by much and is a man. It is not illegal, just a new slant. Look at Demi Moore and Ashton. He is over twenty and it gets talked about."

Hanging Chad interrupted. "Remember, women live about five or six years longer than men. When her husband dies she will be a widow for about that plus the amount she is younger than he. If women all married men who are five or six years older more will be widows widowers for only a short while."

The coffle moved on allowing me to learn about what was new with Hanging Chad. He was there for the Iraqi elections with Hanging Shits, Bombing Sunnis and Beheading Europeans came as well. "It was quite an election of the Mexican sort; Bullets 'R Ballots! The Sunnis were to sit things out but they decided to vote and mostly voted against it. It would take any three provinces with a majority 'No' to kill the new Constitution and the Sunnis got a majority in two provinces. The stupid thing is this constitution mandates Queeronic Law for the land so Iraq will remain violently embedded in the Middle Ages!"

Hanging Chad told us about getting into an argument with some of the International election observers. "I had this Swede telling me he didn't think the election was perfect. What did he expect amidst a Guerilla War! Anyway, what do the Swedes know about elections? Then a Frenchman said he didn't trust the Americans to run an election after the Hanging Chad debacle. I took that personally. Afterall, Bush got 50,456,002 votes, Gore got 50,999,897 for a Subtotal of 101,455,899 with a Difference of 543,895. That is a % of the Total Vote, 105,405,100, of 0.5160044%. There were fourteen other candidates but the largest who was in third place was Nadir with 2,882,955 votes or five times the difference. Of course Nadir could be the reason Gore lost. Buchanan got 448,895 votes, almost as much as the difference. The result still might have been the same in The Electoral College whose vote was won by Bush, 271 to 266 showing he was more diverse just as the founding fathers wanted it.

"Gore’s recount was divisive and unfairly selective in where the recounts should be made. By the way, the recounts showed that a large % of the Florida immigrant ballots were cast by non-citizens. More should be done to find those who illegally register and they should be deported.

"Despite the fact that the Supreme Court should not have decided the case it was necessary and Gore should be justifiably labeled as a spoil sport and perhaps the man who split the nation in two.

"The other thing that got me angry in Iraq was Jimmy Carter's snipping. Had he resolved the Iranian take over of our Embassy he might have been a two term president. Things went downhill in Iraq and Iran after Carter's fiasco. Iraq today is better than it was when he was President and if mistakes were made along the way none of them compare to his!"

A soldier was talking about the treatment of Guantanterror Prisoners. "The complaint about Urinating on a Queerone was nothing at all but the Press won't publish any follow up to show the charges are false. A soldier took a leak against a wall that had an airvent. Splashing Urine got sucked in and inadvertently splashed on a nearby Queerone. For Liberals it is Guilty until Shot!"

A girl said, "Will 'Splashing Urine' come to next year's party?"

Everyone laughed. You'll just have to wait and see.

Well, we'll get to see but not have to wait for here are the one, the only, the Guantanterror Dancers!!!

These five men are in orange and white striped prison garb, chained at the ankle, and that's unique tonight. They shuffle up wiht hanging chains clinking to dance to their songs, all five on the Hit Parade and no pun intended.

I am a fantastic Bomber
I believe in giving Jihad
I am a fanatic Bomber
Please don't think I am Mahd!

Guantanterror! I give you Guantanterror!
Guantanterror! I give you Guantanterror!

Give my Jihads to Broadway
Dismember them on Harold's Square
Tell all forty seven virgins
I will soon be there!

Hello Mullah! Hello Fatwa
! I am here at
Camp Guantanterror!
Do you remember Admiral Kimmer?
We gave him Anthrax last night at Dinner!

O'Swami, how I love you my dear O'Swami
The Bombs drop East
The Bombs drop West
But O'Swami knows
Where the Bombs drop best
O'Swami, my dear O'Swami

The five Guantanterror dancers were followed by five camp followers, a set of lovely girls doing the belly dance to their songs. The rhythms are different from the traditional belly dancing of course so the dance looked odd but what the hell, they have great tits!

One of them, a sweet little girl, told me, "Two terrorists are chatting. One of them opens his wallet and flips through pictures. 'you see, this is my oldest. He's a martyr. Here's my second son. He's a martyr, too.' The second terrorist says, gently, 'Ah, they blow up so fast, don't they?'"

Another chimed in, "Why did Osama bin Laden visit Mount Sinai? He wanted to see the burning Bush."

The third was borderline sick but I laughed anyway. "What is Osama bin Laden's favorite football team? The New York Jets!" I wonder if he watches Monday Night Osama?

I tried to stop all of this. "At least you know that jokes about Oswami bint Laudenum aren't older than you are."

"Oh, I don't know," said another. "I recently was told two terrorist jokes from the '70s.

"The first was: Did you hear about the moron terrorist who tried to blow up a bus? He burned his lips on the exhaust pipe, and the second was, Did you hear about the moron hijacker? Yeah, he tried to hijack a train to Cuba!"

Another of the dancers spoke up. "There seems to be some sort of problem about people abusing the Koran down in Guantanterror but it turns out that it's the inmates! They're sleeping on it like a pillow, kicking it like a soccer ball, peeing on it like a pregnancy test, things of that nature."

"I didn't know the Queerone is so handy," I said. "Are there other uses?"

"Emergency Swiffer cloth replacements!"

"Third base!" Now THAT'S American.

"Making snowflakes for Xmas trees!"

"Propping up the short table leg!"

"Replacement air-filter for my Yugo!"

I said, "You dancers should be on a USO show!"

"You mean UFO Show, don't you," said another of the camp followers.

I guess I did.

I told my boyfriend on my way over to interview the Belly Dancers that Belly dance jokes are called 'Bumper Snickers!' Then I set him an example. "What do you call a belly dancer with a sword?" "A male BD?" "No, a veiled threat." And that got the Guantanterror dancers and there camp followers in a joke frenzy.

"How do you get two darbecki players to play in perfect unison? Shoot one."

"What's the difference between an oud and an onion? No one cries when you chop up an oud."

"What's the difference between a mizmar and a trampoline? You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline."

"Why did the chicken cross the road? To get away from the mizmar concert."

"Why do mizmar players leave their cases on the dashboard? So they can park in the handicapped zones."

To the Shaik. "What do belly dancers do on their nights off? Go out dancing sheik to sheik!"

"What is "perfect pitch?" When you can lob a darbecki into a toilet without hitting the rim."

"What do you call a drummer with half a brain? Gifted."

I couldn't get them all written down and for that Historians and Clio thank me.

My boyfriend stopped my to snicker in my ear, "It only satisfies if you eat it!" I hit him playfully with my pad then gave him a kiss to forget that he had any urge for junk food.

Where are the Pan Am Stewardii, Captain? This Mile High Captain in form fitting black romper and black peaked cap has a gold chain holding a tiny gold 707 flying over her exposed Grand Canyon, "On the left you'll see the upper sternum gap while passengers on the right will be looking into a wonderfully formed chasm!"

I wondered why there were so many Pilot and Stewardess costumes. The 'Captain' told me, "I don't know but I'll hazard a guess. Maybe its because the airlines are going into bankruptcy and travel is so miserable after all the security is in place."

I found a Chick in a toga with an iron collar writing on a scroll in Latin. I spoke to her for over ten minutes in Latin until the arrival of The Mythical Vixen Medusa! She said it was all Greek to her and just ignored the snakes.

Medusa told her, “I was so ugly when I was born, the doctor slapped my mother!”

I told one. “Hear about the bulimic stag party? The cake came out of the girl”

My joke apparently made everyone sick so they left me alone. I have to be careful not to be too much of a participant. I ran into Juba and she had a complaint. "There are too many slaves here tonight. Slavery is not a joke but everyone is talking and laughing about it."

"I agree. It does seem excessive and I don't know why. It may be all the moslem interest and they may not have invented slavery but they prolonged it." I was distracted by seeing Bill Cosby going by with Rosa Parks. I waved them to come over and introduced them to Juba. Juba was sooo happy to meet Rosa Parks.

I asked them about Juba's comment. Rosa Parks answered, "I haven't noticed that but there are too many moslem costumes. 99 and 44/100% of the moslems are peaceful and mind their own business."

Bill Cosby disagreed. "If a half percent of cyanide was put in peanut butter it could kill millions! Does anyone know what % of Americans are in jail?"

It turned out Juba did. "America's prison population topped 2 million inmates for the first time in history in 2002. I think that is about 0.7107667% of the population. 90% of them are men and 0.3% are under 18."

Martin Luther King, Junior, came up with a white girl dressed in a Little Bo Peep costume of blue Gingham Apron Dress with a lace hem just above the matching Bows on her white stockings and red Mary Jane shoes. Her hair was in pigtails with red bows. Martin joined in. "That's all a falacy. First, we don't have any census of violent moslems so we don't know the % and second, some of those in jail have been there for years. Lastly, moslems don't arrest terrorists so they run lose. I do think that Americans are too violent. Especially the blacks. The whole point of my dream speech was to say race didn't matter but character, ability and other things do. I wanted to hew out of the mountain of despair a stone of hope but one of the things I hoped for was that little black boys and black girls would take advantage of their oasis of freedom and justice to get an education to fulfill the Brown vs. Topeka rights. But Bill here knows, that isn't happening. He has been saying this too and none of the blacks seem to be listening. You should be talking about the fact that family income gains for blacks are mostly in entertainment and sports and not in the mass of blacks who lack education because they think that's not cool."

With that he hugged Bo Peep to him and walked off smiling.

This Aviator filed a flight plan: Destination party!! With a Pan Am pilot and Stewardess, Captain Mile High and now this there is no limit to how high the party will go. This fabulous fly girl is zipped into a zipper front plus WWI suede dress trimmed with white fur, matching cap, goggles and suede boots.

More flying! When will it end? Not here or now for Sir James M. Barrie arrived with Tinkerbell but he wasn't Peter Pan. He wore a tweed coat, cravat, trousers but it was his large handlebar moustache that held my attention. "Beware of a pale woman with a good appetite," he said, and it puzzled me for I AM a pale woman with a good appetite!

Finding Neverland, Sir James spoke to the Saucy Angel walking by. "You are wearing a heavenly costume!" It certainly was! A white velvet dress with sheer sleeve and marabou trim, white wig and sheer fishnet stockings, wings and a headband with attached halo. I know she is no Angel for she is currently the Spector Editor's main Squeeze!

The Spector Editor's wife exclaimed, "Olive this costume!" as she regally stood in her Martini Costume. She simply wore her basic black strapless dress and added a triangle of sparkling white to the bodice and a column for the stem connecting with another triangle of the same material at the bottom. A green olive with a red pimento was in the top triangle. In her hand she sipped a Martini, what else? Cheers!

Then the Spector Editor's wife sniffed and walked away, saying, "It was Christmas eve, and Santa was really busy making his list and checking it twice, when his wife came in. 'Honey, where do you want me to put your boots and gloves?' Well, Santa is very busy and so he's slightly annoyed by this trivial question, so he snaps at her. He starts back to work, but a few minutes later an elf barges in. 'Santa, we got all the toys wrapped, what should we do with them?' Santa snaps, "Stick 'em in the sleigh! Can't you see I'm trying to get ready? I don't want any more interruptions!" But sure enough, as soon as he starts back to work, there is another interruption. An angel, standing at the door, says, "Santa, I have your Christmas tree. Where would you like me to put it?' So this is where we get the tradition of placing an angel on top of the Christmas tree."

Another Cookie Trooper. Another sweet cookie seller! I'll buy it all but if I eat it all I'll be as fat as Humpty Dumpty. This good scout wore gartered dress with embroidered patches, beret, scarf, white thigh highs and black shoes.

She asked me! "Our Troop was concerned that people would slam the door in our face because of computer cookies. And what about viruses, worms or even Trojan Horse droppings. It is so hard to sell anything except illegal drugs these days, just what are we going to do?"

I don't know about her but I had to fight to be able to see a Naughty Ninja showing some dangerous curves as a sexy martial artist. She wore a long, billowing sleeved, yellow criss-cross top with cross ties to her double slit skirt. She's the way women should be in the winter; barefooted and holding a pair of Nunchakus or nun-chucks, a length of chain with two wooden handles!

It's not Zorro but Zorra! You can't say Morra! This caped crusader leaves her signature mark on all of her victims! She's a sexy bandit in black; a black micro-fiber underwire dress with toggle strap detail, matching cape also with toggle detail, mask, hat, sword, hose and boots.

We were in danger of a war; nunchucks versus foils, but the Cookie Trooper offered triple chocolate cookies and the clash of the Titans was avoided!

Oh no. Speaking of Titans, here comes Alexander the Great with his mother, Olympiass. He came in a breast plate, a short sword and short white skirt with strips of cloth displaying legs that are better than his mothers! His mother had an Imperial look wearing a red dress woven with gold threads off her shoulder to display a brass bracelet on her right biceps that showed how little muscle she had by squeezing it when fastened by twisting the snakes together at the front. She also wore the hugest earrings of three large gold discs held by gold chains cascading to her shoulder.

So here we have it; all the strong are in one place. The only thing I can think of to do is fall to the floor, curl into the fetal position, and whimper pitifully.

Angelina Jolie having Brad Pitt's Baby is "Beyond Painful" For Jennifer Aniston who now is Divorcing Brad Pitt. Naturally all three came to the party.

Fair is fair so Angelina told this one. "A woman walked into a pharmacy, bought a condom, then walked out of the store laughing hysterically. The pharmacist's wife thought this was weird, so she told the clerk, 'go follow the guy.' About an hour later, the clerk came back to the store. "Did you follow him? Where did he go?" she asked. The clerk replied 'Your house.'"

Alexander stopped the bickering by telling everyone loudly, "He who beats his sword into a plowshare usually ends up plowing for those who kept their swords."

It's all the rage so everyone raved over the Poker Princess; this poker gal loves to play endless rounds of Texas Hold-Em. A 'pair' has never looked better! This sexy card holding princess was a micro-fiber knit underwire boned corset with playing card cup detail, lace-up panels, hook and eye back closure, skirt with attached tulle petticoat and neck collar. The playing card cup detail was a card hand on each cup; aces and eights, the dead man's hand on her left breast and a spade Royal Flush, you can't get higher than that, on her right breast.

I asked her about on-line Poker. "How do you know it isn't a cheat?"

"You can play on line for no money, only coupons for promotional products. But if you want to really learn poker you have to be able to see their eyes."

Then she told me a poker joke. Evidently she thought I asked about one-liner Poker!

Later, after the game was over, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife followed him and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked?"

John admitted that, well, yes, he did.

She said, "You can have it, but it will cost you $100."

After a minute or two, John indicates that he is interested. She tells him that since Bill works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, John should come to her house around 2:00 pm on Friday.

Friday came and John went to her house at 2:00 pm. After paying her $100 they went to the bedroom together. When they were finished John left. Bill came home about 6:00 pm. He asked his wife, "Did John come by this afternoon?"

Reluctantly, she replied, "Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes."

Next Bill asked, "Did John give you $100?"

She thinks, "Oh hell, he knows!" Finally she says, "Well, yes . . . he did give me $100."

"Good," Bill says. "John came by the office this morning and borrowed $100 from me. He said that he would stop by our house on his way home and pay me back."

"Now that is what I call playing Poker!"

My boyfriend came by as she said "Poker." "Yes I do," said my boyfriend, "as often as I can."

By now it was late but the partiers didn't seem to notice it. I had covered most of the attendees so now I went to dance. I started with The Guantanaterror Dancers with them surrounding me as I danced insanely to the insane music.

Halloween Index!

Halloween Party 05 Part I
Halloween Party 05 Part II

Last Updated 10/31/05