You Know You're Asian If...

2. Your bangs are either long enough for you to touch with your tongue, or your hair is gelled up in spikes hard enough to impale small mammals.

3. You're so caught up in name brand stuff, your pocket lint is labeled Calvin Klein.

4. Your vocabulary consists of "pimp, mack, wack" and as much as you can remember from the ebonics dictionary.

5. You go to Asian parties, and you can't find your car since it looks like every other Civic or Integra.

6. Your screen name consists of Asian, and every word in the profile is written in alternating lower case/capital letters.

7. You can never address a friend without calling them "foo."

8. You use the letter "z" in every other word when chatting.

9. Your girlfriend has enough make-up to be accepted into Clown College.

10. You never fit that old Asian stereotype of "all yellow skinned slant eyes are smart."

11. You enter chatrooms with "representin Westsiiiiiiide," or "any foin ladees in da house?"

12. You pick up chicks who wear shoes 2 inches away from stilts.

13. You call people "peepz" since two syllables is too complex for you.

14. You don't know the names of cities; only area codes.

15. Instead of getting real education, you learn a plethora of nonsensical pager codes (for god's sakes, buy a message pager ... if you even need one).

16. You've never heard of any other sporting wear then Nike (Reebok? What's that?).

17. You can't buy a shirt unless it's priced over $ 50 and has a colossal sized Tommy Hilfiger, or Polo label.

18. You're not a basketball player; you're a baller ...

19. You've never bought a pair of pants that were less than 5 sizes bigger than your real waist.

20. You're an exact carbon-copy of your friends.

21. You claim Asian pride wherever you go, when all you're doing is shaming the race.

22. Your mother has a short-haired, curly perm.

23. Your dad is some sort of engineer.

24. Your parents still tried to get you into places half-price saying you were twelve when you were really fifteen.

25. You ask your parents help on one math problem and 2 hours later they're still lecturing.

26. You have a 40 lb. bag of rice in your pantry.

27. Everyone thinks you're "Chinese" no matter what part of Asia your ancestors were from.

28. You've had a bowl haircut at one point in your life.

29. Your parents enjoy comparing you to their friends' kids.

30. You've had to sit through Karaoke videos with scantily clad, ugly Asian women attempting to dance and walk around a temple, forest or library.

31. Your parents say, "Don't forget your heritage."

32. You drive mostly Japanese cars.

33. You've learned to keep bargaining even if the prices are already rock bottom.

34. You've had to eat parts of animals they don't even put in hot dogs.

35. At least once, you've started a joke with "Confucius say ... "

36. You know what bok choy is.

37. You've ever gotten little red envelopes around February.

38. Piles of shoes tend to make it hard to open the front, back and closet doors.

39. You hear (your name + eee (optional) + yah!) every time someone calls you (e.g., Jean- ee - yah! or Mary - yah!).

40. You have NO eyelashes.

41. Idiot people try to impress you with pathetic imitation Asian languages, like the ever-so-popular: ching chong woo bok chi, etc ...

42. Your parents say leaving rice in your bowl is a sin.

43. The Bio lectures on marine life (seaweed, sea cucumbers, octopus) was last night's dinner.

44. Your ancestors 1000 generations back invented the back scratcher.

45. At least one family member wears black wire/plastic frame glasses.

46. Your parents hover over your tired, caffeine-drugged body at 12 midnight to say, "What?! In Korea (or other native country), we studied even more!"

47. Your parents expect you'll be best friends with any one off the street in any given area as long as they are Asian.

48. An Asian woman comes on campus and people ask: "Is that your mother? Well then, is it your sister?"

49. Your relatives' houses smell like incense, mothballs or both

50. Your parents say, "Calculus? I took calculus in 8th grade!!"

51. Everyone thinks you're good at math.

52. Your parents' vocabulary is filled with "Ai-yahs and Wah's."

53. You like $1.75 movies.

54. You like $1.50 movies even more.

55. Your aunts and uncles bring you back adorable clothing from Asia with fuzzy bunnies, vinyl ducks and English words that make no sense, in great colors like yellow, pink, magenta, orange and the ever popular lime green.

56. Your parents insist you marry within your race.

57. You never order chop suey, sweet and sour pork, or any other imitation oriental food.

58. You either really, really want to go to UCI or really, really want to stay away from it.

59. Your parents have never kissed you.

60. Your parents have never kissed each other.

61. You learned about the birds and the bees from someone other than your parents.

62. "You want a stereo!?! When I was your age, I didn't even have shoes!!"

63. People see a bunch of scribbles on a chopstick and ask you to translate.

64. You have to call just about all your parent's friends "Auntie and Uncle."

65. You have 12+ aunts and uncles.

66. At expensive restaurants you order a delicious glass of water for your beverage and NEVER order dessert.

67. Your parents simply cut the green/black part off the bread and say, "Eat it anyway. It's still good."

68. The vast majority of the people related to you wear glasses. Thick glasses.

69. You will most likely be taller than your parents.

70. Your parents have either made you play the piano, the violin or both.

71. You get nothing if you do well in school, but crapped on if you don't.

72. When going to other peoples' houses, you always have to bring a gift.

73. Your dad still pulls his socks up to his knees, you know, the ones with the blue and pink stripes at the top.

74. Your family owns a tennis racquet, golf clubs, or both.

75. Your family always cheers for the Asian athlete on TV (i.e., Michael Chang).

76. The furniture in your house never matches the wallpaper, the carpet, the decorations or any of the rest of the furniture.

77. You have rocks, sticks, leaves and strange-smelling, unknown substances in your pantry for use as medicine.

78. You own a rice cooker or two.

79. You buy soy sauce by the gallon.

80. Your family owns butcher knives bigger than your head.

81. Your parents tell you about how long it took for them to get to school, how horrible the weather was in their native country, and how much they still appreciated going.

82. Your parents buy you clothes and shoes many sizes too big so you can "grow into it and wear it for years to come."