Chapter 17
"This Romeo is bleeding/ But you can't see his blood/ It's nothing but some feelings that this old dog kicked up..." ~Bon Jovi
The days went on and everything seemed to return to the normal pace of hospital
life. Sara still took her medication in order to prevent Michael receiving HIV
through breast milk. Michael, God bless him, did not have the HIV virus. He
was the shining light in Sara's eyes and even though she knew Nick
wasn't able to respond, she knew that he was just as proud as she
was.
One of Michael's feedings in the middle of the night brought Sara
to Nick's bedside. The infant was happily feeding and Sara sat watching.
"He's beautiful Nick," Sara said as she momentarily
looked up at his figure. "I wish you could see him." She
watched her baby for another minute or two before speaking again. "He
doesn't have HIV. He's the most perfect thing I've
ever seen." Sara felt her heart swell with pride. "You should
see him. The way her jabbers away with his little baby talk..."
Instinctively, Sara awaited a response from Nick, but as usual, none came. She
sighed heavily as the baby slowed down his feeding pace. She reached over and
pressed play on the CD player that one of the security guards had brought in
from the house and skipped to track 4. Before this, Sara had been afraid to
play the song, for either herself or for Nick. She hadn't heard the
song in so long that she wasn't even sure she had the courage to glance
at Nick while the familiar chords played.
With Michael and the spit rag over her shoulder, Sara began to walk around the
room, patting Michael's back in time to the beat. She closed her eyes
and let herself get carried away in the rhythm and the comfort they provided
her...
"I want
this to be our song," Nick had said as he pulled Sara closer as they
danced.
"What's this? Nick Carter, the Nick Carter is picking a
Bon Jovi song as something of value?" Sara had teased as a small smile
played upon her lips.
"Sara, I'm serious. I want this to be our song,"
Nick persisted.
"So do I," Sara countered. She knew then that he completed
her. It was scary how much the two filled in each other's gaps.
"Good," Nick said as they continued dancing.
Sara eventually laid her head on his shoulder again, and he rubbed her neck
affectionately. The young couple danced and danced, oblivious to the world around
them.
A small burp brought Sara back to reality. She smiled. "Just like
your Dad," she said to the baby, who cooed in response. "Well
I guess you don't want to go to sleep now, do you?" Michael
continued his baby noises. "That's what I thought, silly
goose."
A change in Nick's heart monitor sent Sara to the edge of Nick's
bed. It seemed as if his heart was simply beating a mile a minute. The figure
that had been comatose for almost a month was losing ground. Sara's
immediate response was to hit the panic button, as she called it, above Nick's
headboard. Some outside force stopped her.
"Oh Nick," Sara sighed as she took his hand as Michael was
put back over her shoulder. "What are we going to do with you?"
Nick's eyes fluttered open, as they sometimes did, and closed again.
"It's our song," she heard a voice say. Sara looked
around. She was sure that the voice wasn't coming from Michael, and
she was pretty sure that she hadn't said anything out loud. That only
left...
"Nick?" Sara asked.
"It's our song," he said again hoarsely.
"I... I... Oh my God..." Sara choked out as she rose in her
seat and looked down into the eyes of Nick, her Nick.
"Don't worry, Sara. I'll be fine," he
said as he concentrated on his breathing.
"Nick, I... it's a boy," Sara stumbled,
still caught off guard. She shifted the child in her arms so he could see.
"What's his name?" Nick asked as his eyes filled
with tears.
"Michael Nickolas," Sara whispered as she took in the moment.
Nick reached his arm up slowly and found the baby's tiny hand. Michael
squeezed Nick's finger tightly as if he knew that something was wrong.
"He's beautiful Sara."
The heart monitor started to race again and Nick's breathing became
more labored.
"I need you to take care of your Mom, Michael," Nick said
as his eyes spilled over the tears he had been holding onto. "Take
care of her for me, OK little man?"
Sara too started to cry.
"And tell her not to cry," Nick told his son with a slight
smile.
"But everything's going to be OK. You're getting
better. You're awake, Nick," Sara said as she tried to reason
out why Nick was bidding farewell to his child.
Nick swallowed hard. "I know."
"There's so much we have to talk about though,"
Sara said as she grasped his hand and held it tightly. Her tears were now running
in steady patterns down her cheeks.
Nick squeezed her hand like he always had when she needed reassurance.
All of the things Sara had made a mental note to talk to Nick about left her.
Everything she managed to perceive flew out of her head. It all seemed so trivial
in her mind all of a sudden. What really mattered was that Nick was there, in
front of her, wide-awake and talking.
Nick hated seeing Sara cry so much. It tore him in half. Nick also knew that
he was losing energy fast and that when he fell asleep he would never wake up
again. He had a gut feeling about it, and in cases like this he was usually
never wrong.
"Talk to me?" Nick asked. "Tell me what's
been going on."
"Your whole family is here," Sara started. "Your
mom and dad are right across the hallway. I've been living in here
with you. Your siblings are at home along with the guys."
"My parents took them all in?" Nick asked incredulously.
Sara laughed a little. "No. The guys are staying at our house. We
had enough extra space and stuff, so I offered."
Nick smiled at her thoughtfulness. My God was he going to miss her.
Michael cooed to let both his mother and his father that he was still in the
room.
"Do you... Do you want to hold him?" Sara asked
gingerly.
"Yeah," Nick nodded, knowing that Michael would have to
lay on his chest because he was hooked up to too many machines to actually hold
the baby.
Ever so gently Sara placed the infant on Nick's chest, right under
his cheek so Nick would get to feel his baby's touch. Michael, right
on cue, reached up and pulled at Nick's face, his hair, anything he
could get a grip on. Nick chuckled lightly, using some of his waning energy
to nuzzle his face against his son's. He kissed Michael lightly and
in a moment of pure serenity. "I love you, Michael." Michael
started to squirm, so Sara was forced to pick him up and rock him. Soon enough,
the newborn settled down so that the previous conversation could continue.
Nick felt himself draw away and into a darkness that he was unfamiliar with,
but forced himself to re-open his eyes. If he wasn't to wake up from
this, he wanted the last things he saw to be Sara and Michael. Sara grabbed
his hand again. That had always been her support. As long as she had some sort
of touch contact with Nick, then she was happy. Right now her heart was bursting.
"Come here," Nick said as he pulled her face closer to his.
He studied her features carefully and rubbed his thumb over her face in memorization.
The closing chords to their song could be heard faintly in the background. "I
love you, Sara," Nick said, using most of his remaining energy.
Sara sensed what was happening. "You can't leave yet, Nick,"
she pleaded in a whisper. His eyes started to flutter, but opened slightly a
moment later.
"Take care of Michael?"
"Always." There was a brief silence. "I love you,
Nick. So much."
"I love you too, Sara." And with that, Nick's
eyes closed. The firm hold he had on Sara's hand gently loosened and
his heart monitor went flat. She continued to grip Nick's hand tightly,
almost willing him to open his eyes again. How she loved his eyes.
The door to the room flew opened and it all happened in slow motion for Sara.
The doctors rushed in and tried everything they could. Huddled in the corner
with her baby, Sara watched the scene unfold.
She heard screaming and crying, but she didn't know where it was coming
from. Michael was crying too, but his cries were inaudible to her deaf ears.
It was as if it was a horrible episode of ER.
Time was irrelevant to Sara, but she knew not enough had passed when the doctors
started to lay their instruments down and take off their gloves.
"Time of death: 1:28."
"No," Sara said as her voice went hoarse. "Why
aren't you still trying?" she screamed as she made her way
to the head of the bed and stroked his hair tenderly. "It's
OK, Nick. Everything'll be OK. I promise..." Sara
said to the body of the man she loved more than life itself.
"Come on, Miss," a nurse said as she gently stepped between
the two. "It's time for you to go."
"No," Sara said as she clutched Michael tightly. "He
never goes anywhere without me!" she cried as the nurse continued
to walk her backwards. Sara continued to bawl. "Nick!" she
sobbed with her one free arm outreached. "Nick!"
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