Xander relaxed minutely as he heard the door close behind Spike. Standing, he paced back and forth in front of the couch. //Oh, man, *what* is going on here!?// He yelped as he stubbed a toe on the coffee table.

Hobbling over to his bed, he sat and examined his foot. //Ouch. Damn! This is perfect...just perfect!// He flopped onto his back, staring intently at the ceiling, hoping for enlightenment. //Oh great ceiling gods, speak to me!//

The next few minutes were spent in thought. Deep thought. Practically subterranean. Yes, truly profound, even meaningful thought. Eventually, relative clear-headedness was achieved.

//Ok, I think...right, this isn't so bad, really// He rolled over onto his stomach and began tracking geometric patterns on the blanket. //I mean, it's not me. It's just, everything is all wiggy what with the Anya thing, then the mom thing.// He shuddered dramatically.

//They've done wacky stuff to my head, but...everything is really normal. As it gets, anyway.// The more he thought about it, the more it made sense. The whole little thing with Spike...he was just projecting. It was really *Anya* he was missing, and his brain got confused, mixing it up with the gay thing. Which was his *mother's* fault!

//Right, so...I want Anya. Anya. I miss her.// He closed his eyes, imagining the last time they'd made love. //Mmmm. Ooh, yeah. Nope, definitely not gay here!//

He got up, hurriedly stripping out of his clothes. Making himself comfortable on the bed, he sprawled his legs apart and let his eyes drift shut.

Anya. All naked and sweaty. Lowering those perfect pink lips of hers down over his throbbing cock, wisps of hair brushing against his inner thighs.

Xander groaned, one hand idly playing with his nipples while the other slowly crept down to his aching erection. He ran a finger up the length, swirling around the leaking head.

Wet tongue lapping at the fluid there, little licks all the way down to the base, then up again. The head of his cock sliding smoothly into that cool mouth. Palest blue eyes glinting at him as he reached down to tangle his hands in the short, blonde hair.

"Ahh!" His eyes flew open and he tore his hand away as if burnt. Panting, he glared at his cock, which was now harder than ever. "Traitor," he muttered.

Xander breathed deeply. //Not Spike. I am *so* not fantasizing about Spike! Focus, Xander, focus!// He took another breath. //And brain...cooperate with me this time, ok?//

Trying again, he grasped his erection, pumping it gently. Licking the other hand, he reached for his balls, rolling them between wet fingers.

Anya. Warm, soft, curvy, *female*. Yeah. Mmmm. Sliding into her slick, tight opening. Pulsing heat engulfing him.

His heart sped up, pounding in his chest, and he began emitting tiny little gasping noises. Tightening his hand around his cock, he quickened his pace, hips thrusting up into the tunnel now slick with pre-cum.

Xander delved farther into his fantasy.

Reaching to twist and pull on taut nipples, kneading the soft globes of flesh. Bending down to plunder that tempting mouth with his own, tongue slipping into the wet heat.

Xander's moans grew in volume, the sound of flesh sliding against flesh loud in the stillness of the basement. He could feel himself nearing the peak.

Suckling kisses down a pale, smooth neck. Arching deep into the willing body under him. Licking a fiery path across a muscled chest, nipping at the small, stiff nipples. The feel of the cock against his stomach spasming, spurting sticky fluid between them, then cumming deep inside his lover.

Eyes wide in denial, Xander tried futilely to wipe the image of Spike from his mind as he came harder than he could ever remember.

Still gasping in huge gulps of air, he bolted from the bed and ran into the bathroom. Staring into the mirror above the sink, he felt his stomach drop. //Shit. Oh, shit.//

Trembling, he wet a wash cloth and used it to wipe of every trace of his climax. //Not good. Not good. *So* not good!// Tossing the cloth on the counter, he turned the cold water on, scooping up a handful and splashing it on his face.

Sighing, he dried off then went back to his bed, flicking off the lights on the way. Pulling back the covers, he crawled in and snuggled down. Laying on his back, arms propped under his head, he stared once more through the darkness up at the all-knowing ceiling.

//Hello? Little help here? Could someone please tell me what the *fuck* just happened!?// Banging his head against his pillow, he muttered soft curses concerning his obviously wacked out mind. "Stupid ceiling," he mumbled under his breath. "Fat lot of help *you* are." Shifting onto his side, he screwed his eyes shut, wishing desperately for sleep...hopefully when he woke, everything would have gone back to normal.

~~~~~~~~~~

Xander paced his basement. Ok, time to take stock.

Item one: creepy lusty type cravings for evil vampire guy.

Item two: major freaky morphing type fantasy involving said evil vampire guy.

Item three: definite groiny type dreams, again of said evil vampire guy, following fantasy concerning same (see Item two).

Item four: sticky wake-up call as a direct result of Item three.

Item five: totally wigged out Xander Harris, no longer entirely sure of his grasp on sanity.

Xander sat on his recliner. He shifted uncomfortably. //What the--?// He reached under the cushion, pulling out the object wedged underneath.

A book. *That* book.

Xander closed his eyes, whimpering.

Oh yeah, can't forget that one.

Item six: one seriously messed up mother, convinced of her son's homosexuality and being ultra supportive by getting him such *fascinating* books and other assorted reading material about the subject.

//Thank you, life, for dealing me *such* an interesting situation. I really couldn't have done without it.// Sighing, he looked down at the book, debating.

//Oh, what's the harm? It can't make things any worse!// He flipped the book open, skimming quickly through the pages. //Oh look, how handy...everything in nice, alphabetical order for easy reference.//

He snorted, continuing to turn the pages, not lingering on any one for more that a second or two. Until...

//Oh. Oh my god.// Xander felt his face heat as he stared at the picture. //That's...that's...oh man.// Fascinated, he gazed at the depiction. A man, positioned on his stomach with ass in the air, and two fingers speared inside him. //Oh, wow. I mean, ick! Gross! Bad! Not something I would *ever* do or want done. Nope, definitely not.//

Gulping, he hurriedly flipped a few more pages. Not too many later, he again paused at a picture, enraptured.

Two young men in bed, one on top of the other, facing each other. The dark haired one on top, near naked with his head bent to kiss the man under him. The other guy a pale blonde, pants around his thighs, dark shirt unbuttoned and pushed open to expose his smooth chest. Bare cock rubbing together as they devoured each other's mouths.

Blushing scarlet now, Xander snapped the book shut, staring glassy-eyed into the wall. He shook himself, stuffing the book back under the seat cushion. Images of him and Spike replacing the two man seared into his mind, and he cursed.

//Damnit! When will I learn? Never, *ever* say that things can't get worse. Stupid, stupid, stupid!//

*****
Part 6:

Bev left the video store with her selection. On her way back to the house, she made a quick stop at the grocery store for some microwave popcorn. Extra butter.

Pulling up in the driveway, she turned off the engine and stepped out. Once inside the house, she switched on the front porch light, chasing away the creeping shadows of dusk.

In the kitchen, she set her bag down and pulled out a saucepan, getting the milk out of the fridge. Not too long after, she was swirling a wooden spoon through the steaming, frothy concoction. She leaned over and sniffed, inhaling the rich chocolate aroma.

Hearing a knock at the front door, she removed the pan from the burner, not wanting the hot chocolate to scorch. Wiping her hands quickly, she hurried to answer the door.

She caught her breath at the stunning figure. Blue eyes glittering, pale hair gleaming in the porch light. *Very* tight black jeans. Oooh, yum. //Damn, why are all the really hot ones either married or gay?//

She mentally smacked herself. //Dummy, you're married too! Stop lusting! Besides...you're old enough to be his mother. Think of Xander...and get a grip!// Wrenching her eyes back up to his face, she flushed and offered him a tentative smile.

"Will, wonderful you could make it. Come in!" She held the door open, whimpering softly as he brushed by her, the scent of leather and menthol enveloping her.

Spike's eyebrows raised as he sniffed the air. Turning to Bev, he grinned. "That chocolate I smell, luv?"

"Oh! Yes. I...whipped up another batch of hot chocolate. You seemed to enjoy it." She led him to the kitchen, where she giggled as she noticed him staring at the pot with a predatory gaze.

Pulling two mugs from the cupboard, she quickly filled them with the drink. "Will, the marshmallows are in that cupboard behind you. Could you get them for me, please?"

"Sure thing." Spike retrieved the bag, sneaking a handful before passing it over and popping a few into his mouth, munching them silently.

Bev took the bag, pouring a liberal amount into each mug. "So, how have you been, Will?"

He swallowed hastily. "Oh, just peachy. Trying to round up some quid, pay the bills. You know how it goes." He quickly finished off the rest of his stolen sweets, giving Bev an innocent look when she turned around.

Bev smiled slightly at the sight of the blonde, standing there looking at her attentively, white powder dusting his lips. She lifted an eyebrow, amused, but said nothing. She just handed over the two mugs, then got the rented video out of the bag.

"Here, I got a movie for you and Xander to watch, I thought you might enjoy it." She tucked the plastic case under his arm, shooing him downstairs. "Go on! I'll get the popcorn cooked, and bring it down in a few minutes."

Spike just grinned, moving through the basement door that Bev had considerately opened for him. Going down the stairs, he took a cautious sip from one of the mugs, moaning as the rich chocolate slid thickly over his tongue.

He reached the bottom of the stairs to find Xander, oblivious to his arrival, sitting in the recliner thumbing through a book. "Well, fancy meetin' you here, mate!"

Xander jumped about a foot out of his seat, blood draining from his face. He stared horrified at vampire, shoving the book down the side of the cushion. "spike!" he squeaked, as the blood rapidly returned in a crimson rush. He cleared his throat and tried again. "Spike. W-what are you doing here?" He made sure the book was well out of sight.

Spike watched this performance with interest. //Oooh, someone's got a seee-cret!// Determining to find out more later, he smirked at the human. "Invited again, wasn't I?" He sat on the sofa, balancing the mugs so they wouldn't slosh. "Your mum made cocoa."

The vampire looked at the mugs, then handed over the one he'd taken a sip from. "Gave me this, too." The tape was passed over as well.

Xander rose and numbly took the video and the cup of hot chocolate. He stared at them blankly, then raised his eyes to meet Spike's. "Huh?"

"You been gettin' enough sleep? Look a bit frazzled. I seen corpses that looked better."

Xander regained his composure, and glared at the blonde. "Why are you here, Spike?"

Spike rolled his eyes. "Told you, pet. Invited over. With chocolate incentive." He raised his own cup meaningfully, then took a drink, eyelids fluttering closed and a dreamy expression washing over his face.

Xander caught his breath, staring raptly at the sensual picture the blonde made. He gulped, and set his mug down with a shaking hand. "Movie. I'll, uh, I'll just go...put the movie on." He managed, after a few tries, to insert the video into the VCR.

Back to the couch, where he retrieved his hot chocolate and squeezed himself into the corner, back against the arm, putting as much distance between him and Spike as he could.

Bev crept downstairs, holding a bowl of fresh popcorn. She smiled at the boys on the sofa, amused at how nervous Xander seemed to be. //He's so shy...it's adorable!// She handed the bowl to Spike, who sniffed it appreciatively before setting it on the cushion between him and Xander. As the movie started, she went back upstairs, pausing at the top of the stairs to flip off the lights.

Xander started as the room went dark, lit only by the light from the TV. Then he relaxed. //Dark is good. Can't see evil vampire guy and think bad things about him when it's dark. Yes...good.//

Spike finished off his drink, slurping up the last bits of marshmallow. "So, what are we watching, pet?"

Xander leaned over and picked up the case, squinting to see the lettering on the front. "Um...'Rocky Horror Picture Show.' You seen it?"

"Nah. Don't sound too bad, though."

Xander shrugged and tossed the case back on the table.

As the credits rolled, Spike stood and walked over to Xander's microwave, setting his empty mug on top of it and pulling something out of his duster.

"What are you doing, Spike?"

"Hungry. Fixin' meself a proper dinner. Well, proper as I get these days." He ripped open the packet of blood, pouring it into the mug and putting it into the microwave.

"Um, can I interject an 'ew' here? Because...ew."

Spike snickered, waiting for the blood to heat up. At the ding, he removed it and carried it back to the couch. Setting the mug down on the table, he shrugged out of his duster, draping over a chair. He then sat, squirming until he was comfortable, and picked up his dinner. Snagging a piece of popcorn with his other hand, he dipped it in the blood, then popped it into his mouth, humming happily.

Xander made gagging sounds. "Spike...you're *desecrating* the popcorn!"

Spike looked at his fingers, flecked with blood, then at the bowl of popcorn. He snorted. "You ever tried it?"

"What? No!"

"Well then, don't go knocking it."

Xander scowled, the grabbed his own handful of the warm, buttery kernels, saving them from a bloody demise. Resolutely ignoring the blatant sacrilege going on beside him, he settled in to watch the movie.

The end credits rolled by, and Xander blinked. "Ok, that was...strange." //I don't even *want* to know what possessed Mom to get that one.//

"Interestin', I'll give it that." Spike licked his fingers, cleaning off the salt-butter-blood mixture. "Was it just me, or did that one...bloke I suppose I should say, look a bit like the Watcher?"

Xander thought about it, then shivered. //Ew, Giles in drag...*so* not an image I want to contemplate!// "Um...maybe if you squint."

"Like Hell. Coulda been his bloody twin. Maybe he's got a few more dirty little secrets about his past than he ever let on." Spike snickered.

Xander sighed. "Whatever." He licked his own fingers, shiny with melted butter. He grimaced, then stood, headed for the bathroom to wash his hands. "Rewind the tape, wouldja?" The door closed behind him.

Spike took the remote, figuring what buttons to push, and successfully managed to find the rewind button. With the tape whirring happily back to the beginning, he stood and moved over to the recliner that had been abandoned hours earlier.

With a quick glance at the bathroom door, he dug around the cushion, eventually feeling the spine of a book under his fingertips. Pulling it out, he gaped at the cover. He snickered. //Oh, Xander's got a *nasty* little secret, does he? Doesn't want anyone knowin' he's a poof!//

With a decidedly evil grin, he held the book up, letting it fall open. It easily settled on a page that had clearly been visited frequently, the crease in the spine giving evidence to this fact, as did the smudged, slightly wrinkled appearance of the page.

Spike raised an eyebrow at the picture of the blonde and brunette lying in bed together, half-naked. He didn't miss the obvious correlation between the men in the picture and himself and the boy. The similarities were striking.

He blinked. Thinking back to the other night, he dimly remembered how Xander had seemed to be having...difficulties with him being there. And those little, longing looks he'd felt during the movie tonight. And not to forget how the boy's fingers had practically curled around his that time their hands had met in the bowl of popcorn.

//Well I'll be. He wants me. The whelp *wants* me! Not that that's surprising, really. I *am* quite shaggable.// He then considered the strange behavior of Xander's mother. Now that he thought about it, the chit had practically been shoving him at her son. What with the seating them together thing, and the turning off the lights on them. Oh, and don't forget the *one* bowl of popcorn, practically an invitation for some eventual skin-to-skin contact.

//Oh, this could be *fun*!// With a snicker that would have made Xander's hair rise if he'd heard it, he tucked the book back into the chair, nonchalantly taking his seat on the sofa as Xander exited the bathroom.

He yawned exaggeratedly, stretching his arms. Standing, he picked up his duster. "Well, mate. It's been fun an' all, but I gotta be off. Places to go, people to kill...well, scare anyway." He walked over the Xander, reaching out a hand and brushing his thumb oh-so-lightly over the boy's lower lip.

Xander sucked in a breath at the unexpected caress, which immediately stopped at the vampire turned and strode up the stairs. Eyes wide, he watched Spike leave.

Spike chuckled to himself as he left the basement. //Oh, yeah. Gonna have *lots* of fun with the whelp! An' it's not like he's exactly tough on the eyes, either. Definitely won't be a...hardship to shag him. Pun intended.// He had just begun to formulate a mental plan to seduce the human, when a partial solution presented itself in the shape of Xander’s dear old mum.

Bev was a bit disappointed when she saw the blonde come out of the basement. //Darn! I thought for sure he'd stay the night. Maybe they aren't hitting it off?// "Will? Leaving so soon? I thought you and Xander were, maybe, getting to know each other."

Spike smiled hugely at her. "Ah, luv. That Xander, he's a bit of a shy one. Holding out, he is. What's a poor bloke to do? 'Sides, he doesn't have any stuff on hand. Kinda difficult to mess around when you're not prepared, right?"

"Um, right." She crinkled her forehead. "What...what exactly do you mean by 'stuff'?" She blushed, trying to figure out what it could be.

Spike just gave her a cocky grin. "You know. Stuff. For two blokes who want to get it on. Lube, and that kind of thing."

"Oh. Oh!" //Damn it, why didn't *I* think of that?// Berating herself for that lack of foresight, she stood there, flustered.

"Not to worry, luv. I'm sure he'll pop right out in the morning and get some. I'll just have to try my luck again tomorrow night."

"Oh, of course. Right. So, I guess you'll be going then?"

"Yeah, you know. Get home, rest up. Tomorrow's gonna be a big night." He winked at her, leering.

Bev giggled again. "Well, I'm sure the two of you will have lots of...fun."

"Oh, I plan on it!" With a jaunty grin fixed firmly in place, Spike breezed out the house, leaving behind one thoroughly confused teenager, and one blushing mother. //Oh yes, tomorrow is going to be an absolute...blast!//

*****
Part 7:

Bev looked up as Spike walked into the dining room. "Oh! You're here!"

"Door was open a bit, so I just came on in. That all right?" He raised an eyebrow at her hesitant nod, noticing the faint pink tinge to her cheeks. "Somethin' wrong?"

"Hmm? Oh, no. I just...um, well...I got something for you." She quickly pushed a small paper bag across the table.

Spike took a seat and picked up the bag, opening it and peeking inside. A grin stretched across his face, and he looked at Bev delightedly. "Luv! You shouldn't have!"

She blushed even harder, giggling softly. "Well, I wasn't sure...I mean, I just thought that maybe...you know."

Spike kept on smirking. "Right. Well, I'll just head on downstairs now. Don't wait up." Getting up, he left the blushing woman at the table and, bag in hand, headed down into the basement.

He looked around the empty room. Hearing movements in the bathroom, he went over and cocked his head by the door. Singing?

He snickered. Didn't sound half-bad, either. He went over to the sofa, shrugging out of his duster and sprawling comfortably across the cushions. Tossing the bag onto the coffee table, he crossed his arms behind his head, eyeing the bathroom door expectantly.

Xander shut off the water in the shower, reaching out a dripping arm to snatch a towel off the counter. Wrapping it around his hips, he moved in front of the mirror. Grabbing another towel, he gave his hair a cursory drying, using his fingers to brush it into some semblance of order.

Still singing under his breath, he opened the door and stepped out of the bathroom, heading for the closet.

"You're drippin' on th' floor."

He whirled at the low voice, almost losing his towel in the process. Gaping at the blonde smiling indolently from his couch, he groaned internally. //Not tonight. *Please*, not tonight!//

"Gotta admit, pet, that's a good look on you. Beats some of the clothes I've seen you wear."

Xander glanced down at his barely covered form, cheeks burning. "Do you mind? I'd like to get dressed here."

Spike just continued watching him. "What? It's not like you got something I ain't seen before." //And, with any luck, will be seeing again sometime soon.//

"Well, you won't be seeing mine, so get over it." Xander gritted his teeth as Spike kept those blue eyes focused on him. //Nope. Not thinking bad thoughts about naughty vampire. Oooh, naughty... Ahh! Stop it!// Determined not to show he was rattled, he folded his arms over his chest, after securing his towel more firmly.

//That's what you think.// Spike heaved a sigh of disappointment, dramatically flinging a hand over his forehead. "Oh, say it ain't so. How shall I go on?" He snorted, then sat up. Indicating the package on the table, he quirked an eyebrow at the still-dripping human. "Your mum told me to give that to you. A pressie of some sort, I guess." He leaned forward, resting his chin on a fist.

Xander looked at the innocent little bag. //Don't do it. Don't you *dare* open that! Just...take it and hide it someplace. But do. Not. Open it!//

He picked up the bag and opened it.

Blanching, he sat heavily in the recliner. //I *told* you! Didn't I tell you *not* to open it? Why don't you ever *listen* to me!//

Xander stared at the tube that was nestled snugly up against a box. Of condoms. His *mother* had bought him a box of *condoms*! And...lube. Strawberry flavored, by the looks of it. //Oh, god.//

"So? What is it? Anything good?" Spike stood and walked over, craning his head for a glance.

Xander clutched the bag close, frantically scrunching the top down to hide the contents. "Nothing! It's...nothing. Just...a gag gift. Yeah, that's it. Well, thanks for stopping by. Don't be a stranger. Bye now, Spike." //Please go. Pleasepleaseplease go!//

Spike snatched the bag away. "Aw, don't be like that, pet. Lemme have a looksee."

Standing, Xander made a grab for the bag, catching the edge. With a rip, it split open, dumping its contents onto the floor.

Before Xander could get to them, Spike bent and scooped them up. He looked at the tube. "Strawberry? Hey, my favorite!" He leered at the horrified human. "Somethin' you wanna tell me, pet?"

"What? No! Gimme that!"

Spike backed away, holding the tube behind his back. "You sure 'bout that, mate? I mean, what with the book and everything."

Xander froze. His jaw dropped slightly as he gaped at the smirking blonde. Gulping hard, he stammered out, "W-w-what book?"

The vampire put the couch between him and the brunette. "You know. The *book*. With the pictures. In the chair. The one all about how to shag a bloke."

The boy backed away, gaze darting frantically around the room. "I...I don't know what you're talking about, Spike."

Spike just looked at him.

Flushing even redder than before, Xander sat heavily down on the coffee table, which creaked in protest. Cradling his head in his hands, he groaned loudly. "This...this isn't what it looks like."

"Uh-huh." Doubt positively dripped from his tone.

"I'm *not* gay! And no offence, but I *don't* want you! It's just...my mom got this crazy idea in her head, and she's trying to push it on me. I mean, just because Anya wanted sex, and I didn't, and she thought I was gay, and broke up with me *real* loudly, and my mom happened to hear it all, and went on this whole supportive kick, and is currently occupied trying to make my life a living *hell* just for a switch from the whole drinking thing," he sucked in deep breath, "does *not* make me gay!"

Spike vaulted over the back of the sofa, perching on the edge just inches away from Xander. "You're not gay?"

//Finally, he sees reason!// Xander sighed in relief. "No, I'm not."

Spike nodded, then tilted his head. "Then how come you've been staring at me? Watching me move? Touching me? Leaking pheromones all over the place?" He leaned forward, invading the human's personal space. "How come you're hard right now?"

Xander's eyes widened. He glanced down at his lap where, sure enough, his other brain had decided to make its opinion known, pressing urgently against the fabric of the towel. His gaze flew back up to Spike's, dismayed.

"I'm...I'm not...I..." He shook himself, trying to think of some defense. "Well, like *you* have a lot of room to talk. I mean, what was up with that...*thing* last night?"

Spike frowned. "What 'thing'?"

"That *thing*! With the thumb! On my lip!"

"Oh...that." He smiled softly, cupping Xander's face in his palm. Leaning closer, he breathed in a husky whisper, "I should have used something else."

Xander's breath caught, his heart starting to beat faster.

Capturing the boy's head, Spike tugged him forward. His lips hovered for a bare instant, tongue flicking out to brush across Xander's trembling mouth.

Xander gasped, and the tongue darted into his open mouth, cool lips pressing firmly against his own. His hands settled on Spike's chest to push him away, but instead merely curled into his shirt, holding him in place.

Spike suckled happily on Xander's warm tongue, tasting the human's unique flavor, learning him. He pulled his head back, nibbling on the pink, swollen lips, then licking along the firm jawline to an earlobe, sucking it into his mouth.

Moaning, Xander let his head fall back. He panted harshly as blunt teeth bit down gently, shivering as the vampire's hands moved down his back, caressing damp skin.

He whimpered softly as all contact left him, then forced his eyes to refocus on the blonde.

"Well?" Spike looked at him expectantly.

Xander drew in a shuddering breath. "I...I'm not..."

"Yeah, I know. You're not gay. But did you enjoy it?" He looked honestly interested in the answer, although he could already tell by the boy's scent that the experience was *definitely* appreciated.

Xander's mouth opened and shut a few times as he searched for a response. Finally, looking away in shame, he whispered, "yes."

Spike smiled. "That's all that matters then, pet." He raised a hand, brushing it down Xander's torso, ghosting over rosy nipples. "Xan? Let me show you?"

Xander stared at him intently, somewhat surprised at the gentleness the vampire was exhibiting. He'd fully expected ridicule once he'd admitted his seemingly no-so-secret desires. //Desires? Oh, you have so lost it, Xander my boy.//

He noticed a faint hit of...pleading?...in the blue eyes. Taking a breath, he captured a wandering hand in his own. "Yes," he breathed.

*****