Some of my favorite quotes from the shows BtVS and A:tS.
Spike: We like to talk big. Vampires do. 'I'm going to destroy the world.' That's just tough guy talk. Strutting around with your friends over a pint of blood. The truth is, I like this world. You've got... dog racing, Manchester United. And you've got people. Billions of people walking around like Happy Meals with legs. It's all right here. But then someone comes along with a vision.
Spike: That's right! I'm back, and I'm a bloody animal!
Spike: Dru bagged a slayer? She never told me. Good for her! Though not from your perspective, I suppose.
[buffy finds Spike hiding behind the trees]
Buffy: What are you doing here? in five words or less
Spike: [counting on his fingers] out.. for.. a.. walk.... bitch
Spike: The last time I looked in on you two, you were fighting to the death. Now you're back making googly-eyes at each other like nothing happened. Makes me want to heave.
Buffy: I don't know what you're talking about.
Spike: Oh, yeah. You're just friends.
Angel: That's right.
Spike: Oh, you're just friends right? You'll never be friends! You'll be in love till it kills you. You'll fight and you'll shag and you'll hate each other till it makes you quake, but you'll never be friends. Love isn't brains children, it's blood. Blood screaming inside you to work its will. I may be love's bitch, but at least I'm man enough to admit it.
Spike: Are you tripping? I told you not to bring her in here!
[Spike tells Willow about his breakup with Drusilla]
Spike: She wouldn't even kill me. She just left! She didn't even care enough to cut off my head or set me on fire. I mean, is that too much to ask? You know, some little sign that she cared? It was that truce with Buffy that did it. Dru said I've gone soft. I wasn't demon enough for the likes of her. I told her it didn't mean anything I was thinking of her the whole time, but she didn't care. So, after we got to Brazil she was just...different. I gave her everything. Beautiful jewels, beautiful dresses with beautiful girls in them. But nothing made her happy. And she would flirt! I caught her one night on a park bench making out with a Chaos Demon. Have you ever seen a Chaos Demon? They're all slime and antlers, there're disgusting! She only did it to hurt me. So I said, "I'm not putting up with this anymore!" And she said "fine." And I said, "yeah well, I've got an unlife you know!" And she said...she said, "we could still be friends." God, I'm so unhappy! Friends! How could she be so cruel?
Spike: Well, this is just...neat.
Spike: So I'm strolling through the park looking for a meal, I happen to walk by and she making out with a Chaos Demon. And so I said, "you know, I don't have to put up with this." And she said, "fine." So I said, "fine, do whatever you like!" I thought we were going to make up.
Joyce Summers: Well, she sounds very unreasonable.
Spike: She is, she's out of her mind! That's what I miss most about her.
Joyce Summers: Well Spike, sometimes even when two people seem right for each other their lives just take different paths. Like when Buffy's father and I...
Spike: No, this is different. Our love was eternal, literally! By the way, you got any more of those little marshmallows?
Spike: Where have you been pet?
Drusilla: I went for a walk. I met an old man. I didn't like him, he got stuck in my teeth.
Xander: You're considered somewhat cool.
Oz: I am?
Xander: Is it because you always tend to express yourself in short, non-commital sentences?
Oz: Could be.
Anya: Men *like* sports. I'm sure of it.
Xander: Yes. Men like sports. Men watch the action movie, they eat of the beef, and they enjoy to look at the bosoms. A thousand years of avenging our wrongs, and that's all you've learned?
Xander: I can not stress enough how much I don't have plans.
Xander: Isn't that what they called The Slayer?
Willow: Buffy, ohh scary.
Xander: Someone has to talk to her people. That name is striking fear in nobody's hearts.
Angel: I lurk.
Dawn: Lurk much?
Spike: I wasn't lurking, I was standin' about. It's a totally different vibe.
Angel: I wanna torture you. I used to love it, and it's been such a long time. I mean, the last time I tortured someone, they didn't even *have* chainsaws.
Xander: Are you ready to get down, you funky party weasel?
Xander: Dorkhead? You lash me with your words!
Angel: "Dear Buffy..." Hmmm. I'm still trying to decide the best way to send my regards.
Spike: Why don't you rip her lungs out? That might make an impression.
Angel: Lacks... poetry.
Spike: Doesn't have to. What rhymes with lungs?
Drusilla: Say uncle. Oh, that's right, you killed my uncle.
Drusilla: Your face is a poem. I can read it.
Xander: It doesn't say "spare me" by any chance?
Spike: Whatcha doin', love?
Drusilla: I'm naming the stars.
Spike:You can't see the stars, love. That's the ceiling. Also it's day.
Drusilla: No, I can see them. But I've named them all the same name, and there's terrible confusion.
Spike: Who do you have to kill for fun around here?
Spike: So when do we destroy the world, already?
Xander: You were looking at my neck.
Angel: What?
Xander: You were checking out my neck. I saw that.
Angel: No, I wasn't.
Xander: Just keep your distance, pal.
Angel: I wasn't looking at your neck.
Xander: I told you to eat before we left.
Xander: It's time for me to act like a man... and hide.
Cordelia: So does looking at guns make you wanna have sex?
Xander: I'm 17. Looking at *linoleum* makes me wanna have sex.
Xander: A black eye heals, but cowardice has an unlimited shelf life.
Xander: So, we Bronzin' it tonight?
Willow: Wednesdays, kinda beat...
Xander: Well, we could grind our enemies into talcum powder with a sledgehammer, but, gosh, we did that last night.
Xander: Danger? I laugh in the face of danger!...and then I hide until it goes away.
Xander: I don't like vampires. I'm going to take a stand and say they're not good.
Spike: It's a big rock. I can't wait to tell my friends. They don't have a rock this big.
Xander: Yeah, I'm gonna have to go with deadboy on this one.
Angel: Could you not call me that?
Xander: Oooh gang, did you hear that? A bonus day of class plus Cordelia. Mix in a little rectal surgery and it's my best day ever!
Giles: We'll get our memory back, and it will all be right as rain.
Spike: Oh, listen to Mary Poppins. He's got his crust all stiff and upper with that nancy boy accent. You Englishmen are always so...bloody hell.
[Counting on his fingers]
Spike: Sodding, blimey, shaggin, knickers, bollocks. Oh, God. I'm English.
Giles: Welcome to the nancy boy tribe.
Drusilla: How do you feel about eternal life?
Xander: We couldn't just start with coffee?
Willow: I mean, why else would she be acting like such a b-i-t-c-h?
Rupert Giles: Willow, I think we're a little too old to be spelling things out.
Xander: A "bitca"?
Xander: Hi, for those of you who just tuned in, everyone here is a crazy person.
Xander: I don't get this. The candy is supposed to make you feel all immature and stuff, but I've had a ton and I don't feel any diff-- nevermind.
Xander: So, do we have to speak Spanish when we see him? 'Cause I don't know anything much besides "Doritos" and "chihuahua."
Xander: Well, I guess that makes it official. Everybody's paired off. Vampires get dates. Hell, even the school librarian sees more action than me.
Xander: Where are you from? The country of white trash?
Xander: What's taking you so long?
Spike: Give me a second I'm packing.
[Spike starts loading things into a bag]
Xander: Hey! That's my lamp, you can't steal my lamp!
Spike: You're what, shocked and surprised? Do I have to remind you that I am Evil?
Spike:I did a couple of slayers in my time. I don't like to brag. Who am I kidding? I love to brag.
Spike: If every vampire who said he was at the Crucifixion was actually there it would've been like Woodstock. I was at Woodstock. I fed off a flower person and I spent six hours watching my hand move.
Xander: I don't get your crazy system!
Rupert Giles: It's called the alphabet.
Xander: Would ya look at that.
Spike: The Ring of Amara. Official sponsor of my killing you.
Spike: What's this? Sittin' around watching the telly while there's evil still afoot? It's not very industrious of you. I say we go out there and kick a little demon ass! What, can't go without your Buffy, is that it? Let's find her! She is the chosen one, after all. Come on! Vampires! Grrr! Nasty! Let's annihilate them, for justice, and for... the safety of puppies... and Christmas, right? Let's fight that evil! Let's kill something! Oh, come on!
Anya: This isn't a relationship. You don't need me. All you care about is lots of orgasms.
Xander: Okay, remember how we talked about private conversations? How they're less private when they're in front of my friends?
Spike: Oh, we're not your friends. Go on.
Rupert Giles: Please don't.
Spike: I'm not having these two shag while I'm tied to a chair three feet away.
Xander: That's not exactly one of my fantasies, either.
Rupert Giles: I need you to take Spike for a few days.
Xander: What?
Spike: What?
Anya: What?
Spike: I'm not stayin' with him.
Rupert Giles: I have a friend who's coming to town, and I'd like us to be alone.
Anya: Oh, you mean an orgasm friend?
Rupert Giles: Yes, that's exactly the most appalling thing you could have said.
Xander: That's it! I'm tired of always being the one eating insects and getting the funny syphillis! From now on, I'm not going to be anyone's butt-monkey!
Buffy: Okay, no more butt-monkey.
[In response to being asked to fight a troll]
Spike: I would, but I'm paralyzed with not caring very much.
[confronting his nightmare clown]
Xander: Your balloon animals were *pathetic*. Anyone can make a giraffe.
Angel: Looking in the mirror every day and seeing nothing there. It's an overrated pleasure.
Spike: Can I eat him now, love?
Willie The Snitch: What are ya going to do with him?
Spike: I'm thinking maybe Dinner and a movie. I don't want to rush anything. I've been hurt before.
Spike: Let me get this straight . . .Someone pulls the sword. . .
Angel: Someone worthy!
Spike: Right, someone worthy pulls the sword. . .and wackiness ensues.
Dawn: I feel safe with you.
Spike: Take that back!
Spike: If you want me to leave, you can put your hands on my hot, tight little body and make me.
Xander: Robots are the strangest people.
Spike: Blood is life, lack-brain. Why do you think we eat it? It's what keeps you going. Makes you warm. Makes you hard. Makes you other than dead.
[After Xanders basement leaks]
Spike: My soddin' chairs all...sodden.
[Spike takes a lackadaisical approach to saving Giles' life.]
Rupert Giles: You might have let me in on your plan while he throttled me.
Spike: Oh, poor Watcher. Did your life pass before your eyes? Cup o' tea, cup o' tea, almost got shagged, cup o' tea.
[looking at the label inside his coat]
Spike: "Made with care for Randy. Randy Giles? You might as well have named me Horney Giles, or Desparate-for-a-Shag Giles! I knew there was a reason I hated you!"
Spike: I'm saying that Spike had a little trip to the vet, and now he doesn't chase the other puppies anymore.
Spike: Is everybody very stoned here?
Spike: I've been all wrongheaded about this. Weeping, crawling, blaming everybody else. I want Dru back, I just have to be the man I was. The man she loved. I'm gonna do what I should have done in the first place. I'll find her, wherever she is, and tie her up and torture her until she likes me again. Love's a funny thing.
Spike: I will know your blood, Slayer. I will make your neck my chalice and drink deep...
[The Judge demon is urged by Spike to burn all the goodness out of Angel]
Spike: Don't just stand there, burn him!
[nothing happens]
Spike: What the hell's going on?
Angel: Gee, maybe he's broken!
The Judge: [letting Angel go] This one cannot be burned. He's clean.
Spike: Clean? You mean he's...
The Judge: There's no humanity in him.
Drusilla: Angel?
Angel: Yeah baby, I'm back.
[talking to Spike]
Xander: 'I hate to break it to you, Oh Impotent One, but you're not "The Big Bad" anymore. You're not even the "Kind of Naughty.'
Spike: "Don't see why I have to be tied up."
Xander: "It's just while I'm sleeping."
Spike: " Like I'd bite you anyway."
Xander: "Oh you would."
Spike: "Not bloody likely."
Xander: "I happen to be very biteable pal. I'm moist and delicious."
Spike: "Alright, yeah. Fine you're a nummy treat."
Xander: "And don't you forget it"
Spike: [in a high pitched voice]: "Xander, don't you care about me."
Xander: "Shut up!"
Spike: "We never talk."
Xander: [holds up a warning finger] "Shut up!"
Spike: " Xaaannnder."
Xander: "Shut up!"