“This party is going to be so much fun,” Shannon sang happily as she twirled around the room. She dropped down to the couch where Lance was laughing slightly and wrapped her arms around him. “I’m so excited.”
“Calm down, Shannon,” Erin said, nodding slightly toward me.
“Sorry,” she whispered as she began to play with Lance’s hair.
“Are you sure you don’t wanna come with us, JC?” Justin asked as he came to sit down next to me.
“Yeah, I’m just gonna hang out here. I mean, Julie’s going, and I don’t need a confrontation or anything.”
“Man, it could be fun,” Lance said, joining us. “You’ve been moping since last night.”
“I’m not moping, guys. I’m just thinking.”
“You’re the one who broke up with her. Show her that you don’t regret it.”
“I don’t. It’s just that…” I lowered my voice, “Emily’s going with Joey, you know.”
“When are you going to tell her?” Lance asked.
“I-I don’t know. It’s not that easy.”
“Are you guys almost ready?” Erin called.
“Yeah, we are,” Justin said, pulling me out of the chair.
“No, Jay, I don’t wanna go.”
“Yes, you do.”
“No…” Justin leaned over and hiked me up onto his shoulder. “Put me down!” I yelled, clawing for the doorframe or anything to hold on to. Unfortunately my grasp wasn’t strong enough, and my fingers slipped off them, allowing Justin to continue carrying me outside.
“Don’t worry, JC, you’ll have tons of fun.”
“Why can’t you guys just let me stay home?” I asked as he made his way to my jeep. He threw me into the back seat. Before I could climb back out, he and Lance sandwiched me in, and the keys were handed to Shannon.
“Everybody ready?” she called from the driver’s seat.
“No,” I protested. “Just let me get out.”
“Too late.” Erin laughed as we pulled away from the cabin and sped down the tiny dirt road.
“Shannon, watch the speed.”
“I’m not going that fast,” she stated.
“That’s my girl,” Lance smiled. “So, JC,” he began, lowering his voice, “are you going to tell her tonight or not?”
“I don’t know.”
“It’d be a good opportunity,” Justin added.
“She’s gonna be with Joey. If anything she’ll be angry because I screwed up her date with him.”
“She will not. That’s so out of her character.”
“I know, but… still.”
“If anything,” Lance said, “she’d feel the same way. You’ll never find out unless you tell her.”
“I’m permanently pissed at you guys for making me come,” I stated as I watched the spectacle my ex-girlfriend was making of herself.
“I’m sorry, C,” Justin apologized, equally disgusted at the sight that was before us. Julie was wearing maybe a yard of fabric total. That’s if you stretched it, which it was. The zebra print skirt and the black “shirt” she had on hugged every curve of her body. I’m sure the guy she was all over, Freddie, appreciated it. I’m sure she appreciated him too. After all, she was so drunk that she could barely stand on her own.
As disturbing as that sight was, it was harder to watch the not-so-flamboyant display on the opposite side of the room. Emily and Joey had gotten there maybe twenty minutes after we had. After a brief hello, the two of them headed off to a corner where they still where: whispering, laughing, and occasionally dancing to a slow song. All of her focus was on him, a guy completely undeserving.
“I’ll be right back, Jay,” I said, standing up from my seat. There was no way I could take this anymore.
“Where ya going?”
“I’m just gonna go get some fresh air.”
“Want me to come?”
“No, I wanna be by myself.”
“It’ll be okay. Just hang in there, man.” After a quick pat on the back, I headed through the crowd to the porch that overlooked the lake.
It was a gorgeous night out. There must have been millions of stars glistening in the sky and the crystal moon was reflected in the water. It was turning out to be one of those nights that you really just wanted to be with that one girl that reminded you of how beautiful everything was.
I stood out there for awhile, watching the water lap gently against the boats that were pulled up against the shore. I’m not sure how long it was until they made there way to them, though. Emily and Joey stood next to his boat talking quietly before he leaned down and kissed her mouth. She smiled shyly at him after he pulled away and slipped his hand into hers.
That should’ve been me. I was supposed to be the one who got to kiss those lips and hold those hands. I was the one who was supposed to be smiled at like that. I wanted that.
My heart started beating faster as I began to grow restless. I could hear Lance’s voice replaying in my mind. “You’ll never find out unless you tell her.” I couldn’t push it all back anymore. I couldn’t control my emotions that were running through me. I had to do something. I had to tell her, make her understand, anything. I had to be able to look into those eyes and not worry about holding it all in.
“Emily!” I called down to her.
She looked up and stepped away from Joey, shielding her eyes. “Josh?”
“Uh, yeah.” I ran down the steps and on to the beach to where the two of them were standing.
“What’s up?” she asked.
“Uh, I gotta talk to you.”
She looked at me like I was insane. “Now?”
“Yeah.”
“We’re kinda busy,” Joey said, trying to hint for me to leave them alone.
“It’s really important.”
“Um, okay. I’ll be right back,” she said to Joey as I grabbed her hand and pulled her away to where he couldn’t hear. “What’s wrong, Josh?” She looked me up and down curiously.
“Uh, okay. So you know how I’ve been acting really strange this past week or so, and I’ve been kinda shying away from talking to you about it, but I did promise that as soon as I was ready to talk you’d be the first to know.”
“Now? You wanna talk now?”
“Yeah.”
“What makes you so ready now? I’m in the middle of a date.”
“I know. The thing is that I finally came to some conclusions, and I can’t hold this all in any longer.”
“Okay. I’m listening,” she smiled.
“Okay, so, uh, in this past week or so, a lot of things have been happening to me, you know, on the inside and everything, and I’ve been doing all this thinking about it cause it’s all been really confusing and complicated and unexpected and unbelievable, and, you know, it has a lot to do with you.”
“Me?”
“Yeah. Cause you’re my best friend and everything, and I value our friendship more than anything else. You’ve been there my whole life, and you’re the one person that I can really trust, and you’re always honest, and I would do nothing to jeopardize our relationship. But like I was saying I’ve been doing all this thinking, right? And I began looking at all of Julie’s annoying habits, and that’s when I began to realize that she really wasn’t my type. I mean, we had nothing in common, and she really did nothing to make me grow as a person, and she didn’t complete me, you know, so I began to think about the kind of girl that I needed to be with, that one who I can’t stop thinking about and has that smile that can light up the whole room and who knows everything about me and still loves me and is a great listener and has this great sense of humor and who’s that one person who really compliments all of my points and just takes my breath away…”
“Spit it out, hun. You’re babbling.”
“I-I’m sorry. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I was doing all this thinking about this girl, and I realized that I already knew her, and it got really confusing because…”
“Josh, what are you trying to say?” she asked, her voice shaking.
“That girl is you. You’re the one who makes me who I am. You’re the one I can’t stop thinking about. You’re the one who makes me whole. I-I’m in love with you, Emily.”
During this past week I had thought about this moment at least a thousand times. I couldn’t help but wonder what her reaction would be. Happy as I had hoped? Angry? What? I wasn’t sure. All I knew was this hard to read expression that was crossing her face wasn’t one that I had planned on. She looked confused, shocked, and hurt.
A small tear began to roll down her cheek as we stood there in silence. I reached over to wipe it off when she stepped away from me. She just continued staring at me with that same look on her face as she slowly backed away.
“Emily…” She turned to the woods that lay to the side of the house and ran. “Emily, wait!” I was about to go after her when a hand grasped my shoulder and flung me around.
“What’d you say to her, JC?” Joey asked angrily.
“Leave me alone, Joey,” I mumbled.
“No, what the hell did you say to scare her off like that?”
“It’s none of your damn business.”
“Well, in case you hadn’t noticed, we were on a date.”
“In that case, I’m glad she left,” I said, turning away from him and heading to where Emily had run.
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
I faced him once more and looked him in the eyes. You could see the anger brewing in them. “I mean, you don’t deserve a girl like her.”
I felt Joey’s fist connect with my face as I fell to the ground. I could taste the blood in my mouth as it ran down from my nose.
“Fuck you, Chasez.”
“JC, are you okay?” Justin yelled as he ran down to me.
“Yeah, I’m fine.”
“What the hell is your problem, Joey? Huh? You wanna start something?” he said, pushing him. “You’re gonna have to deal with me now.” Justin pushed him again. This time Joey pushed back.
“Justin, stop!” I said, climbing to my feet. “It’s not worth it.”
He reluctantly stepped away from Joey.
“I’m not done with you yet, Chasez,” Joey said angrily.
“Just go home, Joey.”
“Ass hole,” he mumbled, turning around and walking toward his boat.
“What happened?”
“Nothing, man,” I lied.
“He punched you for nothing? I find that hard to believe.”
“I got punched because I told him he didn’t deserve Emily. Other than that, nothing happened.”
“Did you tell her?”
“Just go back to the party, Jay. I don’t wanna talk about it.” Miserably, I wiped the blood from my face and began walking back to my cabin. I couldn’t believe how things backfired on me. I finally told her, and she didn’t say anything, not a single word. Even if the punch had come from her, I would have been happier. That would have been better than silence. I would have known what she was thinking then.
I sat down on a large rock away from the path as the tears began to sting my eyes. I don’t think I had ever cried before that night.
I woke up the next morning to find the girls packed and gone. Emily’s bed was made. The dresser was empty. I stood there staring into her room for God knows how long until Lance put his hand on my shoulder.
“It’ll be okay, man.”
“I highly doubt that,” I sighed. “I ruined ten years of friendship with five insignificant words.”
“Joey is a gigantic prick?”
“Not quite.”
“Your eye’s looking better this morning.”
I reached up and softly touched my bruised face. “At least there’s some good news.”
“Well, if you want things back to normal, I guess you could...”
“I don’t want things back to normal, Lance,” I said, turning to look at him. “Back to normal is me denying everything I feel inside. I hated doing that. Trying to hide things from her, that’s back to normal. That’s not what I want. I want her to feel the same way. I want her to feel complete when she’s with me. I want her to look at me and find everything she’s ever searched for. I want her to be in love with me. And I don’t care if that’s selfish cause that’s what I want.”
“What if you can’t have that?”
I turned to look at the empty room again and let out a deep sigh. “That’s the thing. I’m afraid I can’t.”