It was the worst Monday in the history of my high school career. The way things ended with Justin was horrible, and I was trying not to think about him. The only problem was my school had 1,000 girls, meaning I saw more than a few pictures of him in open lockers as I walked down the hall, not to mention those in my own. Plus, as Drew predicted, people asked about the concert.
“Hey, Lili!” I heard Erica call my name as I headed to an empty table in the cafeteria. “How’s Randy Parker doing?” she asked with a tone to her voice that made it sound like we shared this big secret.
“Good, I guess.”
“I can’t believe you went out with him, let alone know him,” she said, sitting across from me.
“Like he said, that was a really long time ago.”
“How long?”
“Is it really that important?” I asked, biting into a fry.
“Hello? You went out with Justin Tim…”
“Keep it down, okay?”
“You went out with Justin Timberlake,” she said in a hushed voice. “It’s a bid deal.”
“He’s a jerk. Just because he’s famous and stuff doesn’t mean that he’s, um…”
“A Romeo?”
“Yeah, a Romeo,” I said as my stomach tightened into a knot.
“So how long ago was it, like pre-Mickey Mouse Club? Afterward? How’d ya meet? Do you know the other guys?”
“Whoa! Erica, I would have never guessed you were a big ‘N Sync fan.”
“Yes, I obsess over them a bit, but I don’t like too many people knowing.”
“Really?”
“Yeah. So will you humor me?”
“Um, it was after MMC. I know all the guys, and we just kinda bumped into each other one day,” I said without giving too much information.
“When did you two break up?”
“After the Mickey Mouse Club,” I answered quickly. “It’s kinda hard to go into. I don’t really like to think about it.”
“Oh, did he dump you?”
“No, it was the other way around. Anyways,” I added, “I’m not really on speaking terms with him right now. We got into an argument, so if you don’t mind, I have to go.” I got up and walked out of the cafeteria as fast as possible. I was sick of talking or even thinking about Justin.
“Lili?”
“Go away, Drew.”
“Lili, can I talk to you please? You won’t return my calls, and…”
“There’s a reason for that,” I mumbled, wiping the tears off my cheeks. I opened the door to the bathroom stall that I was in and looked at her. “Justin was drunk, what’s your excuse?” She looked away from me. “I’d have to use the same one. You know, I did take the next flight after yours.”
“That’s nice.”
“And Justin was still moping in his bed when I left.”
“He’ll get over it.”
“I don’t know about that. He seemed pretty upset.”
“Well, he should have thought about the consequences before he kissed you.”
“I kissed him.”
“He kissed back.”
“Lili, don’t you miss him? I mean, you love this guy.”
“No.” I heard the word come out of my mouth, but in all actuality, I missed him like there was no tomorrow. I knew I could get over him and forget about him though. “No,” I repeated to myself, trying to convince myself that the meaning was true.
“You can try to lie to yourself, but it won’t work on me. I know you, and you do love him, even if you deny it. You do.”
“No.”
“I’m sorry, Lili. You know I wasn’t thinking straight. I hope you can find it in you heart to forgive me, more importantly, to forgive him. I’ll call you later.” She turned and walked away.
“No.” -
“Ms. Stevenson,” Mrs. Keller, my calculus teacher, said to me a few hours later.
“Huh?” I stumbled back into reality.
“It seems you have a special delivery.” She placed a flat brown box on my desk. Getting a gift in class at my school was a big deal. It was a way for boyfriends to show off.
“Thank you,” I said, staring at the box, afraid of what may be inside.
“Aren’t you going to open it?”
“Isn’t this more important?” I asked, pointing to the board with my pencil.
“I think it’s time for a break,” she smiled, nodding at me. Mrs. Keller was a hopeless romantic like the rest of us. She always stopped class when one of her students received a ‘special delivery.’ I should have known better than try to argue.
I slid the raffia ribbon off and slowly opened the lid. Inside was a pale blue notebook with a note and a pressed daisy sitting on top. I felt everyone’s curious eyes on me as I skimmed his handwriting.
Lili, I know you don’t want to talk to me, but I want you to take a look at my journal. What we had was very real to me. This is the only way I can show that to you. -Justin
“Who’s it from?” my teacher asked.
“Um, a friend of mine, I guess,” I said as I felt a tear roll down and splash onto the book.
“Boyfriend?”
“Uh, he was. I don’t know what we are anymore.”
“I see. Okay, class. Let’s let Ms. Stevenson look at her gift in peace. Chop, chop.”
“M-may I be excused?” I asked.
“Of course.”
I slid the lid back on and threw my bag over my shoulder. “Thank you.” I walked quickly to the Senior Lounge and plopped on the couch.
I gently took the book out of the box. I couldn’t believe he had done this. It both amazed and surprised me. Somewhat scared, I opened to the first page.
November 3
Journal-
I just called home, and Jonathan was telling me about Halloween. He was a dinosaur. Daddy said he looked really scary. Though I think he was just saying that cause Jon was in the room. I miss them so much. Some days I feel as if I could give all I’ve got up just to be home with them. If we weren’t letting people down if that happened, I would. I mean, shit, this is my family. The most my little brothers see of me is stuff on TV. And most of the time we’re just putting out our filtered personalities, the stuff we’re allowed to…
This was the real deal, his journal, his place to put down all the thoughts and feelings he had. And he was letting me read it.
I skimmed through, gaining incredible insight on him and all the guys, stuff I didn’t learn by spending almost two weeks with them. Then I reached the day we met.
December 21 very early morning
Journal-
Okay, so it’s really not that early. It’s 5:30, and Lili just went to bed. Ophelia Stevenson. I don’t know, maybe I’m crazy, but she is the greatest girl I have ever met. She has this beautiful personality and spirit, plus the looks to match. I was so incredibly homesick and having the worst day in existence, and I met her and… well, and now I feel completely at home in the bus in her driveway. We get these songs sometimes that have these lyrics that are all about how the first time you see a person you just know something is there. Usually Chris and me sit there and make fun of how ridiculous it sounds, but I finally have experienced how that could be possible. We were having this snowball fight, and I ‘captured’ her. I was looking down at her, and even though I was in the snow, I felt warm, like a warmth from within. I know, I sound incredibly cheesy, and maybe I’m just over reacting. I would die if the guys read this.
We were talking this morning when everyone else was asleep. I just, I don’t know where I would begin. We just sat there next to the fire, drinking hot chocolate, and talking. Several times I’ve wanted to kiss her so desperately. But we’re leaving today, and I got this off-limits vibe type of thing…
I slammed the book shut quickly as a surge of guilt went through me. I felt as if I was doing this horribly sneaky thing by reading his journal, even though he had sent it to me.
“Hey, Lili,” my friend, Angie, said as she walked into the room.
“Hey.” I wiped the tears off my eyes.
“How was your vacation?”
“I’ve had better.”
“I tried calling you to do something, but your mom said you were out of town.”
I looked down at the notebook that was still sitting in my hands. “Can I ask you a question?”
“Shoot.”
“Say you were seeing this guy, right?” She nodded. “And the relationship was pretty rocky, but not because of you and this guy, but from other outside reasons. But you worked out that stuff. I mean, you broke up with him, stayed friends, and kinda worked your way back into things. Follow me?”
“Yeah.”
“Okay, so you two get back together on New Years Eve, and you leave cause you’re not feeling well, and while you’re gone, his friend slips some stuff in his drinks, so he’s not thinking right, and when you come back he’s kissing your best friend. Not really making out or anything, they’re just in this kinda intense kiss, and you stop them, and well, what would you do?”
“Oh geez, Lili. That’s a hard one. How serious did you, I mean, did this guy and I get?”
“Pretty serious, pretty fast.”
“And he was drunk?”
“Uh, yeah.”
“Does he often get drunk?”
“No, not at all, or at least I don’t think so.”
“Forgive him. If we’re really serious, and things were going well, why not?”
“Okay, but what if you’ll never see him no matter what. Like never?”
“Who is this guy, Lili?”
“Nobody important.”
“It doesn’t sound like it’s nobody important.”
“He’s not.”
“Come on.”
“No.”
“Tell me.” After a pause, I reached into my purse and pulled out the photo of Justin and me, handing it to her. “Um, Lili. This is the ‘N Sync guy.”
“Justin. I know.”
“He’s in his boxers.” I nodded. “The guy is Justin?”
“Uh-huh.”
“How in the world?”
“It’s a long story. Of course, you’ve heard most of it.”
“Did he kiss Drew?”
“Yeah. I went to lay down cause I wasn’t feeling well, and when I came back at midnight I, well, you know.”
“Was Drew drunk?”
“I think so.”
“So it was an honest mistake.”
“When I look back, it all happened really quickly, our whole relationship. Maybe it wasn’t as meaningful as we had both thought.”
“Possible. What happened when you saw them?”
“I ran. It was so hard to see. And I went into this room cause we were at a hotel, and he found me, and he tried to explain, but I wouldn’t let him cause I was pretty angry, and I told him that he didn’t know what he wanted, and he said he wanted me and that he loved me, and I told him it wasn’t love, and I went on and on and on.”
“Like you’re doing now?”
“Sorta. To get to my point, I told him I never wanted to talk to him again, and I left.”
“Just like that?”
“Yup.”
“And you haven’t seen him since then?”
“No, but he sent me his journal,” I said, lifting up the notebook.
“Wow. Coming to a screen near you.” She paused. “You have Justin Timberlake’s journal? Girls would kill to get that.”
“Uh-huh.”
“What are you going to do?”
I shrugged. “I guess I’ll figure it out. I’ll see ya later,” I said, picking up my stuff and heading to my car. I knew I would get in trouble for leaving school early, but I just couldn’t stay there any longer. There had to be somewhere better to go.
“J-dawg! Think fast!” A ball was thrown at me from the court. I reached up and caught it, throwing it back to Mike.
“Geez, man, I’m glad that you’re back and stuff, but if we’re gonna play ball, you might want to get off the bleachers.”
“Sorry, man. I’m just thinking.”
“Don’t hurt yourself,” he laughed, sitting down next to me. “What’s up?”
“Nothing.”
“Girl problems?” I tried not to laugh.
“I guess you could say that,” I said, staring down at my hands.
“Whatever happened with Drew and Lili?”
“Things worked out eventually.”
“You and Lili were, damn. I can’t believe Drew didn’t see it sooner. When I walked in you two were…”
“Mike, please don’t go into this now.”
“What happened?”
“She broke it off.”
“Seriously?”
“For the second time,” I mumbled, burying my head into my hands.
“Second time? Wait, you two were like…”
“Don‘t. It’s not about how we were, okay? I screwed up big time, and she’s gone. There’s nothing I can do about it, so let’s drop the subject already.”
“What happened?” “Nothing, alright. Do you wanna play or not?”
“Sure. Whatever you say.”
Our game was going pretty well. I was being slaughtered, and Mike seemed to be taking that well, especially since being slaughtered was usually his job. I was able to take my mind off of Lili for awhile, but then Mike had to dunk the ball.
I found myself staring at the net, remembering lifting Lili up in my arms on the second day I had known her. Maybe we did go too fast.
“Earth to Justin.”
“What?”
“Okay, so basketball isn’t helping you out here. This must be serious.”
“I’m fine.”
“You’re moping. Have you tried anything to get her back?”
“Uh, yeah, I have, but I guess it didn’t work cause I still haven’t heard anything from her.”
“What’d ya do?”
“Isenthermyjournal,” I mumbled.
“What? Couldn’t hear you, buddy.”
“I sent her my journal.”
Mike raised his eyebrows at me. “You going soft on me, Timberlake?”
“No.”
“You have a journal?”
“Yeah.”
“For how long?”
“Awhile.”
“Why?”
“Cause sometimes you need a place to write stuff.”
“So you have a diary?”
“You sound like Lance.”
“Don’t worry,” he sighed. “You can find another girl easily. That’s gotta be a perk to being famous.”
“You make this sound so trivial. What if I don’t want to find another girl?”
“Get over it, Justin. You only knew her for two weeks, okay? You’ll move on.”
“It was a great two weeks.”
“I’m your friend and everything, but you are really pathetic. It couldn’t have been that great if ya’ll aren’t together. Nothing could be so bad that she completely ditched you. It must have been a bunch of little things. Maybe she was jealous of the fans, or didn’t like wearing pool chalk, or..”
“I kissed Drew.” Mike stood there staring at me, stunned. I knew that he had liked her, and kissing a girl that wasn’t my girlfriend was just something I didn’t do.
“You what?”
“I kissed Drew.”
“I heard you the first time. Why? Or wait, you knew that I liked her!”
“There was something in my drinks on New Years, and I think she was drinking too. I don’t remember that much of what happened before, and…”
“I can’t believe you kissed her.”
“It’s not like I wanted to.”
“Obviously you did, otherwise it wouldn’t have happened.”
“I WAS DRUNK!”
“So this is how Drew felt.”
“You can’t get mad at me for this.”
“Like hell I can’t.”
“Mike, it’s not my fault. She kissed me first.”
“You didn’t have to kiss back.”
“And I’m the pathetic one? You hung out with Drew for maybe a day total.”
“Look who’s talking! You invited some stranger to come on tour with you after a day and a half.”
“That’s different.”
“How is that different?”
“Cause…” I paused. “Cause Lili actually liked me.”
“Yeah. Lili likes you. Drew likes you. The whole damn world likes you. Couldn’t you have just stuck with your girlfriend? You’re not all that great. You can’t have any girl you want.”
“When did I ever say that I could? I know that. Do you not think it’s hard to be me?”
“Yeah, you’ve got a really tuff life, Justin.”
“Shut up. What I’m saying is that when it comes to girls it’s hard.”
“Sure.”
“Cause you have no time to even meet somebody, and when you do, you don’t know if she likes you cause you’re famous, or for money, or for you, or…”
“Get over yourself.”
“What are you talking about?”
“Have you ever stopped to think how Lili’s doing through all of this? Seeing her boyfriend and her best friend kiss? She left her family and friends at Christmas to be with you. She lied to her best friend to go out with you. She put up with your schedule to spend time with you. She was with a bunch of strangers on New Years. How do you repay her? You make out with her best friend.”
“I was dru…”
“It doesn’t matter if you were drunk or not. She still had to see it.”
“Yeah, I know.”
“Did you apologize to her?”
I thought back to New Years and tried to remember exactly what was said. “Well, I said sorry for… not that, but…”
“You didn’t say you were sorry for kissing Drew? No wonder she hasn’t tried to get a hold of you.”
“Wait. I did say I was sorry about it in my journal.”
“When did you send it to her?”
“She should’ve gotten it today.”
“Today? Why are you so worried then?”
“I’m not worried. I’m just wondering.”
“Yeah, you’ve got a really hard life, Justin,” he said, walking out the door, shaking his head.
“What?”