“Where’s my journal?” I asked to no one in particular. I knew that I had put it in my back pack before we left, and I really needed to write in it now.
“Lili, calm down,” Drew said.
“Calm down? I can’t calm down. I write everything in that journal. Everything. It can’t be floating around.”
“It’s not in your back pack?”
I pointed to the contents of my bag spread across my bed. “No.”
“Is it with your clothes?”
“My clothes!” I grabbed my suitcase and began riffling through it. A blue corner peeked out.
“Found it!”
Joey walked over to us. “What did you find?”
“Her journal.”
“I see.” He looked at me. “Are you usually this messy?”
“No.” I began shoving stuff back into my bags. “I just really need to write right now.”
“Okay.” I began to zip up my bag. “Wait, you forgot these.” He leaned over and picked up a pair of black underwear, more importantly, a pair of my black underwear. I snatched them from his hand and shoved them into my bag.
He laughed and walked to the back of the bus where they were all watching Pulp Fiction. “Hey guys,” I heard him say, “Lili’s got some pretty sexy underwear.”
“Drew, shoot me now.”
“It’s okay,” she laughed. “You have your journal. Just write for awhile, and you’ll be a bit more at home.”
“Okay.”
“Besides, you do have some pretty sexy undies.”
“Thanks, Drew,” I laughed.
“No problem,” she smiled before leaving to join the guys.
I took a deep breath before opening my book. Today had been completely overwhelming and exciting at the same time. Packing to go on the road with ‘N Sync is sure to get your juices going.
I went over to Ben’s house earlier in the morning to say good bye and woke him up. He wasn’t too happy about me showing up at his house at 8:30, so I offered to take him out for coffee, my treat. We drove to Tim Horton’s and grabbed our usual table. Soon after, I reached into my purse and pulled out his Christmas present.
“Butane!” he smiled that devilish smile of his, pulling out his lighter. He had a habit of lighting things on fire via butane. It was a strange trait of his, but it was one of those things that after time you got used to and even found it a bit charming.
“Not here.”
“Sorry.”
“Well, I’m glad to see that that will keep you occupied.”
“Occupied? Why would I need this to occupy me? I have you and Drew around to do that.”
“Actually, you won’t.”
He looked at me seriously. “Excuse me?”
“Well, we were invited to go on tour with the guys for the rest a vacation…”
“You’re kidding me,” he mumbled, a bitter expression spreading across his face.
“No, I’m not.”
“When did this happen?”
“Last night. Justin and I were…”
“This has got to be the biggest joke in the world. Justin?!? He’s completely wrong for you.”
“Wrong for me? How do you figure?”
“Those pretty boys are all the same. Mr. Look-At-Me-Heartthrob guy. He’s just going to use you and move on. They always do.”
“Ben, you have no evidence to back that up.”
“I don’t need any. I know the type.”
“Why won’t you just give him a chance?”
“What about Drew?”
“I know she likes him, but it’s not like this is a serious relationship or anything.”
“It’s gonna ruin your friendship with her.”
“Maybe, maybe not.”
“Please. You need to get your head out of the clouds and be realistic here, Lili.”
“Ben, why are you so against me going?”
He reached across the table and took my hands in his, looked me in the eyes, and in the quietest, softest, most caring voice I had ever heard he said, “I don’t wanna see my best friend get hurt.”
It became very clear to why he was so out of character the other night. It was because he was in fact jealous of Justin. Drew had been right when she had said he liked me, I had just been to naïve to see it for myself.
“I figured you might be leaving, so I brought your gift. I’m really sorry it’s not wrapped.” He handed me a tiny white box and inside was this delicate silver locket that was absolutely gorgeous. I opened it to find two tiny pictures of us from, I don’t know, the first grade. My eyes began to fill with tears. I had never gotten such a great gift before.
Ben walked around the table and helped me put it on, his fingers brushing lightly against my neck. Just before he left, he leaned over and kissed my cheek. “Just be careful,” he whispered and walked out the door.
By the time I had gotten home, I was a wreck inside. I was so confused, not only about Ben, but this trip also. How was I ever going to spend any time alone with Justin both because he would be so busy and Drew would constantly be around.
I was on the front porch when it dawned on me that Justin and I hadn’t even kissed yet, not even a soft one on the cheek like Ben’s. That was when he came back.
When I finished pouring out my heart, I put my journal under my pillow and climbed out of my bunk, backing into someone.
“You just love bumping into me, don’t you?”
“Sorry, Justin.”
“Whatcha doing?” He leaned against the wall and looked at me. He looked much better than usual. Much, much better. He was wearing a loose fitting Tarheel's sweatshirt, and this casual look was one that could make any girl forget her name.
“Thinking.”
“I hope you don’t seclude yourself the whole time. I’d miss you incredibly,” he smiled, tucking a piece of hair behind my hear. He let his fingers linger there. His soft touch made my heart beat faster.
“That’s good to know,” I laughed. “Where are you guys in the movie?”
“John Travolta just stabbed Uma Thurman in the heart.”
“I remember that part.” I watched as his gaze shifted to my neck.
“New necklace?”
“Um, yeah. It was a Christmas present.” He lifted the locket gently off my neck.
“That’s really nice. Is it from your mom?”
“No, it’s from Ben.”
“Ben?” He set it back down as if it were sprayed with small pox. “Is that who you went to see?”
“Yup, I had to say good bye.”
“He has good taste.”
“I like it.” He looked at me curiously. “What?”
“Huh?”
“Why are you looking at me like that?”
“It just seems that something’s on your mind, that’s all.”
“Yeah, well...”
“Care to share?”
“Okay, I have a question for you.”
“Shoot.”
I closed my eyes for a quick second. “You have to answer.”
“I promise.” He straightened his posture and looked at me directly in the eyes.
“Why haven’t you kissed me yet?” A surprised look spread across his face. I’ll admit, I was kind of surprised I asked that myself. I wasn’t exactly the type of girl who went around saying “Hey you, why haven’t you kissed me?” It wasn’t me. Justin’s face turned red, and his gaze shifted elsewhere. “Well?”
“I, um, I guess…” He looked back at me and then away. “Can I, uh, get back to you on that one?”
“No, you promised you would answer.”
“Well, I wasn’t expecting it to be that particular question.”
“Come on, Justin. It’s not that hard.”
“Not that hard!” He was playing with his hands now. “Lili, I, well, I don’t know.”
“Yes, you do. I know you do. You can’t say there hasn’t been an opportunity cause there has been. Lots of them. I mean, there hasn’t even been a little peck on the cheek.”
“Your hand!” he said triumphantly. “I’ve kissed your hand.” He was right on that one, but the hand and the cheek or mouth were completely different things.
“Justin, that’s not the same.” The bus suddenly shifted its weight as it turned a corner causing me to fall into Justin. I could feel his breathing as I leaned against him. His eyes shown brightly at me, and I found myself staring at him, almost hypnotized, unable to move with his lips that close to mine.
“Do you want me to?” he asked softly, running his hand gently down my back causing a shiver to radiate through my body. I was unable to speak. This was the closest I had ever been to him.
“I-I, uh...”
“Come on, Lili. It’s not that hard of a question.”
“Well, uh…” I honestly couldn’t answer. I wrapped my arms around his neck and began playing with his hair, twisting his curls around my fingers. He slid his arms around my waist and pressed me against him.
“I’m going to take that as a yes,” he whispered in my ear. First, he lightly kissed my neck, then moved over to my cheek. It was so light and tender that it made my heart skip a beat. I was so thankful his arms were around me because at that moment my legs felt like jelly. I anticipated his every movement in pure ecstasy. He moved his mouth closer to my lips when the door to the back room flew open.
I jumped back quickly away from Justin. “Drew! Hey.”
“Hi,” she smiled at us. “Whatcha guys doing?”
Justin looked at me curiously, his eyes narrowed. I’m sure he didn’t understand why I had pulled away so quickly. “Nothing,” he said coolly. “Actually, I was just leaving.” He slid past me and Drew and left.
“Anybody know how much longer we’re going to be on this damn bus?” The movie had just ended, and the credits were rolling across he screen. The guys all turned to stare at me.
“Whoa.”
“What’s wrong, lover boy?” Joey asked.
“What’s wrong?” I repeated.
“Yeah, what’s wrong?”
“Nothing. What makes you say there’s anything wrong?”
“You coming in here asking how long we’re going to be on this damn bus is a pretty good indicator.”
“I’m just hungry, that’s all.”
“Tell James to stop somewhere.”
“I’m not that hungry.”
“How’s Lili?” asked JC.
“Fine.”
“We’ve barely seen her today. She’s hiding on us.”
“She’s just been thinking”
“About?”
“Who the hell knows,” I mumbled.
“Why don’t you tell us what’s bugging you?” Chris said.
“Cause it’s no big deal, and it doesn’t effect you guys,” I stated simply, sitting down on the couch next to Lance.
“Hey, guys,” Drew smiled as she and Lili walked into the room. Seeing her made me taste the sensation of kissing her again. I had wanted to do that for so long, but the problem was I didn’t just want to kiss her, I wanted to be kissed back. At this rate, it was never going to happen.
“Lili! You’re alive,” Joey laughed.
“Yup, I am.”
“We thought maybe Justin kidnapped you or something.”
“It’s not that bad of an idea,” I said, looking up at her. She quickly looked at Drew then to the ground.
“I don’t know. How nice of a kidnapper are you?” She slowly rose her gaze to meet mine.
“Well, if you let me, I could be the best kidnapper in the world.”
“I see.”
“But you have got to be willing.”
“I, uh,” she fumbled for words.
“Anyway,” Drew interrupted. “What were you guys doing?”
“Well,” Chris began, “we were about to play a rousing game of Truth or Dare.”
“We were?” I asked.
“Yeah, cause I think a little truth needs to be told.”
“Can we play?” Drew asked, sitting down on the floor in front of me.
“The more the merrier,” Lance smiled.
“I was actually hoping you guys would,” Chris said as he looked over at me. There was a glimmer in his eye that told me he was going to stir things up a bit. “Have a seat, Lil.” He patted the seat next to him that was also directly across from me. She sat down and looked at me strangely.
“Can I start?” Drew asked cheerfully.
“Go for it.”
“Okay. Justin, truth or dare?” she said, turning around, putting her hand on my knee. I didn’t want to play the game. I especially wasn’t up for a dare seeing that moving from my seat was the last thing I wanted to do. I couldn’t decline to play, so truth was the only way out. Drew was asking the question, how hard could it be?
“Truth, I guess.”
“Okay,” she smiled. “What do you look for in a girl?” I underestimated her.
“Oh my God,” Lili muttered.
“Well?” she asked again.
“What do I look for in a girl?”
“Yup.”
“A nice ass.”
“Justin, come on.”
“I feel like I’m being interviewed by Bop or something.”
“Please.”
“Okay, okay.” I looked over at Lili who was at least looking at me directly in the eyes. “I would have to say that she would have to be smart, determined, has to have confidence. She’s got to have a great sense of humor and be willing to have fun with me. It’s really important that I can hold her out in public, in front of anyone, and she won’t pull away. She has to let me take care of her, but not need me to, and she has to let me do corny things for her.”
“Man, Justin. If the teenybopper magazines got a hold of that speech, our ticket sales would be doubled,” Joey laughed.
“It‘s not a speech, Joey. It‘s the truth.”
“Justin.”
“Huh?” I looked down at Drew.
“There’s a second part to the question. Okay?”
“Sure,” I said wearily.
“Think of a girl, any girl. You don’t have to name her, don’t worry. But think of this girl. Does she have all those qualities?”
“Well, I don’t hold my mom out in public,” I laughed, trying to avoid answering the question.
“Be serious.”
“Isn’t it against the rules to add something after the person’s answered or something?”
“Just answer.”
“Fine.” I paused and did a quick evaluation of the situation I was currently in. “I think she has all of them normally, but for some reason because of some circumstances, she isn’t expressing them, or maybe she really wants to, but she’s afraid to when it comes to me.”
Our eyes were locked. There was such a look of sadness and confusion on her face that made me wish I could just scoop her up in my arms and hold her, but I knew she wouldn’t let me.
Everyone was staring at us, except for Drew. I think she was the only one who didn’t realize I was talking about her best friend.
“Wow, good answer, Justin,” Lili said, trying to blink back the tears. “I’ll be right back, you guys. I, uh, have something in my eye.” She got up and quickly left the room. Lance was about to follow her, but Joey pulled him back down into his seat.
“I’m just gonna go check on her,” Drew said, getting up. A second later, the girls were gone. I let out a deep sigh.
“Trouble in paradise?” Chris asked.
“No.”
“Justin, we know you better than you know yourself. Don’t you dare try to lie to us.” “I just don’t get it,” I said, burying my head in my hands. “She plays the strangest games. When we’re alone, it’s great, really great, but then she pulls away from me. If someone else is around, I can’t hold her hand or…” I put my head back to the window. “She won’t even let me touch her.”
“It looks like Drew asked a good first question,” Lance said.
“Can I ask the next one?” JC asked.
“Sure, I don’t care.” The girls came back then, and sat back in their spots. Lili looked like she had recovered.
“Did you guys go on without us?” Drew asked.
“Yup.”
“I hope we didn’t miss anything good.”
“No,” I sighed. “Just guy talk. Your turn, JC.”
“Miss Lili.”
“What?” she said nervously.
“Truth or dare?”
“Dare.”
“Dare, huh?” A glimmer similar to Chris’s came into his eyes. “I want you to kiss who you think is the ‘hottest’ guy in the room.” She sat there without moving. The whole room was silent. She looked from me to Drew then back again.
“D-did I say dare? I meant truth,” she stuttered.
“Too late to change it.”
“Well, you guys are all very handsome. I don’t think I could choose.”
“Okay,” he said slowly. “I’ll choose for you then. I want you to kiss Justin.”
“J-Justin?”
“Yes, that guy sitting right in front of you. Justin.” I couldn’t believe it. I’ve never been madder at JC than at that moment. I’ve never loved him more either. “Drew, get up,” JC instructed. She did. “Now, Lili. Go over there and kiss him.” She stood up, and Drew reluctantly took her seat.
“Him?” she asked again.
“For God’s sake, Lili. It’s not that difficult. Go sit on his lap, facing him, and kiss the damn boy.”
“For how long?” I asked.
“At least a minute.” She sat down on my lap and looked at me.
“You heard the man. One minute. At least,” I whispered to her. “Do you think you can handle that?” She looked behind to Drew.
“Justin,” she whispered. “I…” Her gaze shifted out the window. “The bus stopped. We’re at the hotel.”
“We’re here?” asked Lance, who had been shifting uncomfortably in his seat the whole time.
“Yeah.”
“Finish the dare,” JC said.
She turned back to me and kissed me softly on the cheek. “I’m sorry, but I just can’t.”