The Good News - He's Back
The Bad News -
He Forgot How to Do This
Jan-Aug'04
May/Dec '03
April/May '03
4/22/14
It's been a busy week for Christians everywhere.
Sunday was Easter which is traditionally celebrated by dying eggs,
waiting for the Easter Bunny to come and Easter baskets full of chocolate.
Plus a two week vacation to boot.
Always a much looked forward to event here at the nursing home.
Not only can the Activities Department get the residents to hide all of the Easter eggs for them,
but they can let them join in the Easter egg hunt the next day because none of them can remember
where they hid them anyway.
Plus if you are a Polish Catholic you get to celebrate the end of Lent with Dyngus Day.
Cheap beer, pierogis, polkas, hitting guys with pussywillows and throwing water at the girls.
Thank goodness I went to a Catholic school so I could celebrate Easter properly.
4/19/14
What clothes did Delaware?
I don't know, Alaska.
4/17/14
I didn't play the Dead Pool this year.
But lots of people have been assuming room temperature lately.
Ralph Wilson- Our major reason that the Buffalo Bills live in Buffalo
Mickey Rooney- I think he was a Munchkin
The Ultimate Warrior- That steroid filled wrestler with all of the face paint
John Pinette- The "Show Me the Buffet" comedian who got mugged by Jerry Seinfeld in his last episode
Sheila MacRae- Alice ("Pow, Zoom, Straight to the Moon Alice") McCrae from the Honeymooners
David Brenner- A Jewish comedian that was always on the Tonight Show
Fred Phelps- Founding Pastor of the Westboro church in Kansas that holds those obnoxious
anti-gay protests at public events and military funerals.
May you all rest in peace. Except Fred Phelps.
You go straight to Hell without passing Go.
4/16/14
-Is it legal for a man to marry his widow's sister?-
Los Angeles (CNN) -- Rapper Andre Johnson severed his penis and jumped from a Los Angeles apartment
building early Wednesday, police said. Johnson was seriously injured, but survived the fall from the second level of the building in North Hollywood, Los Angeles Police Sgt. William Mann said. Johnson, along with his recovered penis, was taken to Cedars-Sinai Medical Center, where he was being treated, Mann said.
Details about what triggered the incident were not available.
Johnson has been a member of Northstar, a Long Beach, California, hip hop group that was part of the
Wu-Tang Clan family, according to the Wu-Tang Clan website. He performs under the name Christ Bearer. His recording credits include "When the Guns Come Out," which was included on the soundtrack of the 2004 film "Blade: Trinity," according to the Internet Movie Database.
Quad-rant Editorial Comment: Rappers are fucking weird
-No, he is dead.-
4/15/14
Newsflash: You're not going to believe this one. They still haven't found that Malaysian airplane!
Assholes
Speaking of assholes, how about that guy in Kansas that killed those 3 people
because he thought they were Jewish. A former leader of the Ku Klux Klan. I didn't know that the Ku Klux Klan
still existed or that Jews were on their hate list. I thought that was strictly a racial thing but obviously not.
They showed a clip on Fox news where the Ku Klux Klan issued a statement denouncing the douche bag.
How much lower can you go than being denounced by the KKK?
4/14/14
TSQOTD: Click....bzzzz....bzzzz.... (electric shaver)
.... "There, how was that"
Me: "Okay I guess"
..... "How does it feel?"
Me: ....(Here's Your Sign)....
Am I the only one that thinks that constant texting while you are with somebody is rude?
Or that answering the cell phone and yakking when you are out to dinner is even worse?
Of course there are times when you need to know what someone is doing, if they need something
or what future plans may be in store for you, your family and friends. But if you are with someone keep it short.
Find out what you need to know and be done with it. If you think that a conversation is necessary
by all means have one. You have a telephone in your hand- use it!
As far as dining and texting goes, that one is a No-Brainer.
If it is an emergency I assure you they will call.
Texting and social media are a major part of life for kids nowadays.
No parent needs to give lessons about them. But kids learn by example and showing them that texting during social situations and using a cell phone while dining are acceptable is breeding them for failure.
Social skills are still the key to success.
As is the ability to carry on a good old-fashioned one on one conversation.
Too bad there are so many kids out there who just can't do that.
4/10/14
Was getting a shower this morning. After rinsing my hair and wanting to know if all of the shampoo
was out she asked "How does it feel?". Granted there is very little that I feel but can anyone feel their hair?
Thus brings a new addition to The Rant. The Stupid Question of the Day (TSQOTD).
How about that 16-year-old kid from Pennsylvania that stabbed 20 victims at school?
This is in no way intended to make light of school shootings or the pain those families must be feeling.
But.... this kid needs to be in Afghanistan instead of jail. I've done zero research
on the Internet about this and am probably wrong, but I don't remember any school shootings
with a higher number than that. We're talking bags and lockers full of automatic weapons,
ammunition and guns I didn't even know existed. But this 16-year-old psychotic
topped their numbers like he was Rambo.
Rather than paying for this kid to spend the rest of his life in prison
or putting him in some institution that will eventually let him go to snap again somewhere else.
How about putting Edward Scissorhands in Afghanistan, Iraq, Yemen or whatever hellhole country requires
tending to for life with a couple government issued knives to use his craft for something useful?
4/9/14
Okay, so maybe it is more than just a little bit. But the worst is over and time to recoup.
Lots of antibiotics to be had and quarts of snot to be sucked out.
On Self-Knowledge
(Kahlil Gibran)
Your hearts know in silence the secrets of the days and the nights.
But your ears thirst for the sound of your heart's knowledge.
You would know in words that which you have always known in thought.
You would touch with your fingers the naked body of your dreams.
And it is well you should.
The hidden well-spring of your soul must needs rise and run murmuring to the sea;
And the treasure of your infinite depths would be revealed to your eyes.
But let there be no scales to weigh your unknown treasure;
And seek not the depths of your knowledge with staff or sounding line.
For self is a sea boundless and measureless.
Say not, "I have found the truth," but rather, "I have found a truth."
Say not, "I have found the path of the soul."
Say rather, "I have met the soul walking upon my path."
For the soul walks upon all paths.
The soul walks not upon, neither does it grow like a reed.
The soul unfolds itself like a lotus of countless petals.
4/6/14
Have a little bit of pneumonia and need to take a short break.
On third day of antibiotics and no reason to go to the hospital to get the same thing.
Not my first rodeo folks. Need to get some sleep though. Back soon.
3/31/14
I wrote a letter to CNN last night bitching about all of that Malaysian airline coverage.
They wrote a reply basically saying thank you for your input but fuck you who cares what you think.
I have yet to see a good video of that mud slide in Washington where nearly 50 people died.
Don't get me wrong, I really do feel sorry for the families of those mudslide victims.
But there is no good reason I haven't seen a single video of that mountain of mud sliding down that hillside
and burying those houses. From what little I've seen of it, it was a disaster waiting to happen.
Which brings me to an even bigger problem with this scenario. This is America and there should be
a video camera pointed at any potential disaster area at all times. There are plenty of those caught on tape
television shows that would make it financially worthwhile. Hell, you could probably pick up cheap video cameras for 20 bucks with that kind of volume. Stick them in mudslide areas, on the coast where tsunamis might happen, every other light pole on the Florida coastline and around the Gulf of Mexico and every barn top in Kansas.
There is no reason to miss any disaster that happens on American soil. And even less reason to carry five more minutes of that damn lost airplane. I'm so pissed right now I think I will send another letter to CNN
3/30/14
Just finished my Spam sandwich for lunch today. Lots of mustard on whole wheat bread.
Not really, who in the Hell eats that Shit? This place doesn't even serve it. If they did I'm sure it would be
generic Spam. Skimmed through the Topps flyer this week and it is actually on sale. I wonder if they still have that little metal key on it so you can open it no matter where you are. Can't imagine what that
imitation meat product is made out of but can't forget that yellow layer of goo that surrounded
it in the can with a triple layer of it oozing to the top.
Watched Silence of the Lambs last night. Hard to believe that movie came out 23 years ago in 1991.
Still a good movie, will probably watch Hannibal tonight. Even harder to believe that we got
another 6 inches of snow last night. The Winter that never ends continues.
3/27/14
If we cannot see something with our eyes—such as our mind, gravity, magnetism, the wind—
does that mean it doesn’t exist?
Unfortunately I spend a lot of time on my back looking upwards.
How in the Hell do all of those dead flies get in the light fixtures?
And if they can get in, why can't they get out? This is getting to be as big of a question
as this God thing I am going through.
3/26/14
Said to see that Ralph Wilson finally died.
Sure, our major concern in Buffalo is that the football team very well may be moved.
Probably Toronto or Los Angeles. But if that does happen Ralph gave us 55 years of fun drunken times and an untold number of football parties. A lot of alcohol was downed by most of us thanks to good old Ralph. May he RIP.
It is looking like ol' Jim Kelly is going to be close behind.
On a completely different subject, have you ever tried to talk to a native Hawaiian?
You would have a better chance of understanding what an Indian service tech is talking about
when you are trying to figure out why your Internet doesn't work anymore.
I tried to order flowers from a local shop outside of Honolulu and I couldn't understand a word
that girl said. So I thought maybe I just got a bad one but the second one was even worse. No way that babbling could possibly be classified as English. I know what you're thinking, why didn't I go with FTD or one of those other major companies on the computer. Because florists detest FTD orders as they make very little margin on those arrangements but they are contracted to make them anyway. They say that when FTD runs those specials on the Internet they sometimes actually lose money by making them and are prone to do a shitty job and use the old flowers they still have in stock but need to get rid of. I have heard that from a few places and it makes sense. But that all becomes a moot point when you can't understand a word those belly dancing Buddhas are saying anyway.
3/25/14
New next season on NBC at 8 PM: Lost - The Malaysian Edition
What They Say: "It has been officially determined that the 370 crash in the Indian Ocean killed all 239 aboard".
What They Mean: "Beats the shit out of us and we're not going to waste any more money looking for it".
It is still cold out but it is Spring and time to look for a new bathing suit.
I've narrowed it down but am torn between two.
The Blue One
Or the Pink One
The blue one is probably more Texas Catheter friendly.
3/24/14
Fact: Ziggy's tacos are way better than Mighty Tacos. And both are way better than Taco Bell.
With all of today's technology I can't believe that they still use those heavy metal halos for spinal cord injuries.
There must be a better way than screwing bolts into the skull. Surprised they don't at least use some sort of plastic
or fiberglass instead of steel.
Public Service Announcement:
Be sure you have formal Advanced Care Directives and a Health Care Proxy and that your family knows about it.
If you don't, do it. Or forever hold your peace when you have a stroke or aneurysm and are kept alive
staring into space. And shame on you for making your family decide your fate.
3/22/14
Watched a movie tonight called Jesus Camp.
Typical left wing propaganda movie about Americans choosing faith over logic.
One of it's messages was that children are indoctrinated about their religious beliefs by the time
they are between 7 and 9 years old. Whether it be Muslim, Christian or whatever religion the parents believe in. Probably some truth to that.
I remember a Sociology class in college nearly 40 years ago when a professor asked who created who.
Cultural Anthropology I think. A curlyhaired heavy guy with glasses that presented himself as though he was smarter than anybody else because his first name was Professor.
The self-proclaimed atheist asked questions like:
Have you ever prayed to God that you would believe in him?
Or wondering why you are praying to an Almighty and All-Knowing God to change
things because he may have made a mistake
Or the probability of God literally having a son as we know what a son is and sending him to the planet Earth.
While all of the billions of other planets are void of life.
I don't remember what my answers were to those questions when we were tested.
Don't honestly know what my answers would be now if asked.
3/20/14
Can't get enough news coverage about that plane that crashed- NOT.
Time to give it a rest, it's history. It flew, it blew up over the ocean and it's gone.
The only one that really knows what happened is Rod Serling and he's not talking.
This place is getting to be more of a nuthouse. I don't think there is anybody to blame,
just the way that our healthcare system is evolving. With the high cost of nursing home care,
private insurance, Medicaid and Medicare all want to get patients back home ASAP. Sometimes a nursing home is necessary as a step down from the hospital but home is the ultimate and least expensive destination even with the extra cost of traveling nurses and aides plus the expenses of necessary medical equipment.
But if the patients are too much care or are just plain bonkers and unmanageable they end up here.
More time-consuming and both medically and behaviorally needy patients for nursing homes trying to cut staffing costs to increase corporate profits. But now we're "residents" and there aren't any "easy" ones anymore.
A well deserved tip of the hat to the nurses and aides who pay the price of having to do more work with less manpower and no wage increase to take care of us lunatics. An overdue thank you to all of you.
3/17/14
Is that a Shillelagh in your pocket or are you just glad to be on this webpage.
What is green and sits on your backyard porch? You're going to love this one
..... Patty O'furniture....heh, heh.
My first on the books job was as a dishwasher at a local Chinese restaurant.
These guys were just off the boat and only one of them could barely speak English.
They used to talk only in Chinese but they always swore in English- a lot. I remember that whenever
good food came back that looked like it wasn't pawed over too much I would eat it. Shrimp, scallops and this bowl of assorted deep-fried goodies called a pu-pu platter were my favorites. Yeah, yeah, I know, that's disgusting.
But I was only 15 or 16 years old and it tasted good. Plus it was mostly food I never had before or if I did it certainly wasn't restaurant quality.
If that disgusts you, you really aren't going to like this one. Everything was served in separate little metal bowls.
A dishwasher's nightmare to say the least. But no matter what you ordered it always came with a round scoop of white rice. They used to keep it in a huge metal pot and used what looked like a big ice cream scooper to plop the round ball of rice onto the customers bowl for the server to take.
So far so good other than the fact that there is a dishwasher eating leftover food in the kitchen right?
Keep in mind that this was a relatively upscale sit down Chinese restaurant with a full bar, authentic well-dressed servers and a pricey menu. Well even though nobody spoke English the chefs in the back were able to teach me that I was to dump all of the white rice that looked like it wasn't touched back into the big white rice pot to be reused again to fill up those metal bowls for new customers.
These guys were so new to America that they used to accept a library card as proof of age to order liquor.
I also remember that whenever I left the Eastern Pearl I smelled like a bowl of fried rice.
3/16/14
Her name was Bertha...... Bertha Butt..... One of the Butt Sisters.
If you remember that song I will be massively impressed.
I think it was sung by Brownsville Station and it was called The Martian Boogie but that is just a guess.
Can't get enough of Breaking Bad. Just finished season two for the second time.
Haven't watched the final season yet so I am doing them all again and finishing with the last season of the series.
Just did that with Dexter. After this it will be Boardwalk Empire and maybe Deadwood again.
Two of my all-time favorites. Anyone seen House of Cards or Hemlock? Both were made by Netflix.
If anybody has seen them let me know if they are worth starting.
3/14/14
Q: What did the dinosaur say when he fell?
A: "Aw man Im gonna get a dinoSORE!"
It's cheesy joke day. Speaking of cheesy have you bought your No-No yet?
How many people buy that thing? Looked it up on their website and it costs $250.
Q: What do fish smoke?
A: Seaweed
I tried to send the trial offer to a victim but at the end it wanted a credit card number so I aborted the prank.
I get what it does for girls but I don't understand what it does for guys. On the commercial it's got some douche bag with a tattoo No-No'ing his arm. Why? I can see if a guy can shave his face with it but there's no mention of that.
It must be a chick thing.
Q: Why did the mushroom get invited to all the partys?
A: 'Cause he was a FUNGAI.
Still can't find that big airplane. Isn't there anything else in the news?
Weren't we on the brink of World War III with Russia last week?
What does a bankrupt frog say? “Baroke, baroke, baroke.”
Just when you thought that they couldn't come up with any more stupid days to celebrate.
Some fucktard has declared today National Pi Day. The date 3/14 is supposed to mimic 3.14.
And it is catching on! CNN just did a clip on it with a bunch of pinhead Chinese kids holding signs.
Put down those signs you little morons and go look for that plane!
3/13/14
Happy Birthday Dad
Brothers and sisters I have none but this man's father is my father's son.
Who is this man?
Did you know that they really do give death row inmates the choice of a last meal before execution?
It is reported that Bruno Hauptmann, the guy that killed Lindberg's baby way back in 1936 dined on fried chicken, buttered peas, french fries, cherries, olives, celery and cake before being fried himself.
Surprisingly the vast majority of potential corpses chose chicken with some sort of garnishments.
Aileen Wuornos, the crazy lady that Charlize Theron played in the movie Monster was a lunatic right up to the end and refused a meal. Just gulped down a cup of coffee and said sayonara.
Then there is our local favorite mass murderer Timothy McVeigh. Supposedly PETA contacted
him and asked him to not choose meat as his last meal. Don't know if it influenced his choice but his final meal consisted of two pints of Ben & Jerry's mint chocolate chip ice cream. Wonder whether Ben & Jerry's viewpoint
is more one of pride or disgust concerning Terrible Timmy's meal of choice.
Answer: The Man Is My Son
3/11/14
Two fer Tuesday
1- What gets wetter and wetter the more it dries?
2- The man who invented it doesn't want it. The man who bought it doesn't need it.
The man who needs it doesn't know it. What is it?
Watched Gravity last night. A lot like Dexter in that the beginning was great, the middle was
good and the ending blew. Amazing graphics and a good plot but a ridiculously happy ending.
I don't consider this a spoiler alert because it exceeds the bogus meter. Commandeering a Chinese
satellite through the atmosphere and dropping a space capsule a couple yards from shore......eeeyycchh!
They are still looking for that missing Malaysian airplane.
Hell, the thing is only about the size of a shopping mall. Everybody and their brother is looking for remains of the damn thing but still there aren't any clues. Every safety feature you can imagine and a bunch you never thought of supposedly make it uncrashable. Wonder how many millions of dollars they will spend looking until we hear a collective multinational "beats the shit out of me".
They may as well save the cash and stop looking now. It's not a big secret what happened to it.
"There is a fifth dimension beyond that which is known to man. It is a dimension as vast as space and as timeless as infinity. It is the middle ground between light and shadow, between science and superstition, and it lies between the pit of man's fears and the summit of his knowledge. This is the dimension of imagination.
It is an area which we call the Twilight Zone."
1- a towel
2- a coffin
3/10/14
Tick Tock, Tick Tock, Tick Tock, Tick Tock, Tick Tock
How long before medical marijuana is available in New York State?
There can't be any cruel reason that I won't be eligible when it is.
So many questions. In what form will it come in, pills, nebulizers, inhalers or good old-fashioned green leaf ganja? Will some lucky CNA escort me outside for my cannabis treatment. Or would they have to legally put that smoke room back in that they took out two years ago? It is a doctor's order you know.
But what if my doctor turns out to be a Dickbag and doesn't write me a script? Maybe my lungs are just too shitty, I'm too fat and a major munchy risk or he is just a good old-fashioned prick. It is probably about time to broach this critical subject with my primary physician to see if I need to be switching doctors soon.
Watched The Wolf of Wall Street last night. Good movie but not for everybody.
Rude, crude and vulgar, three of my favorite things. Wasn't a Leonardo DiCaprio fan but may be now.
Didn't know that it was a Martin Scorsese film when it started. A bit long but funny nonetheless.
HIPAA violation alert- Larry died this morning. My sympathies to his friends and family.
This is a limited time link that will be erased tomorrow for Maggie.
3/9/14>
What to do if you find yourself stuck in a crack in the ground underneath a giant boulder you can't move,
with no hope of rescue. Consider how lucky you are that life has been good to you so far. Alternatively, if life hasn't been good to you so far, which given your current circumstances seems more likely, consider how lucky you are that it won't be troubling you much longer.”
― Douglas Adams, The Original Hitchhiker Radio Scripts
Looks like the new guy down our hall is a screamer.
Hopefully they will adjust his drugs so that this doesn't remain a problem throughout the night.
It is too late to add him to my Dead Pool but I could make an exception for this guy.
3/8/14
Do you remember the Bookmobile when you were a kid? Of course not, you aren't old.
Believe it or not a big semi truck used to pull into the school parking lot once every week or two and the classes took turns walking through the trailer that was packed with books and we got to pick one out and keep it until the next time the bookmobile came.
Spoiler alert: if you are watching Dexter you may not want to read this.
I am a Dexter fan. Admittedly after the first couple seasons it has gone downhill a bit but still quite addictive and entertaining. I just finished watching the last episode of the last season. As good as Dexter was that last episode sucked. I could have lived just fine with him driving the boat into the hurricane and that being all she wrote.
But surviving and coming back as a lumberjack? Whoever came up with that ending is a moron. If that is intended to be the opening for a sequel I'm boycotting it. Okay, probably not, but it still sucked.
3/7/14
The CAT scan went fine. Don't know why people are so paranoid or claustrophobic about those.
Painless and no big deal. Will get the results in about two weeks when I see the ENT again.
It was the 50th anniversary of the chicken wing yesterday.
Mama Theresa at the Anchor Bar cooked up the first batch on Main Street back in 1964.
I don't remember them much in the 60s but they were huge in the early and mid 70s when we had cars of our own and could drink when we were 18. They weren't those huge ones like you get today at Larry's or the Kelly Hotel.
But they were cheap and the take-out places were having price wars with 50 piece buckets. So whenever we went out drinking we would pick up either Mighty Tacos or buckets of wings for $5 or $6. There was even one place just a few blocks down from Mighty on Bailey near Winspear that sold a greasy ass bucket of 50 wings for $3.99 every night. And we used to go through most of one by ourselves when we had the munchies. Talk about the good old days.
3/6/14
Did you know that snow is actually clear and colorless?
Something about the structure of the ice crystals and the way that sunlight is reflected makes it appear white.
Can't say that I completely understand that concept but I do know that there has been a shitload of it this year. Mayville has a sign on the main drag that tells you how much snow they have had so far this year. When we passed by it on the way to the doctor's office yesterday it showed 159 inches of snow has fallen so far.
That is more than 13 feet! Granted Mayville is about 5 miles south of here but we can't be too far behind.
I think we can officially call that a shitload.
3/5/14
There is an ancient invention still used in some parts of the world today that allows people to see through walls.
What is it?
Went to the ENT yesterday. It was effing cold out! I almost forgot what frigid was.
It was so cold we passed a dog that was frozen to a fire hydrant by a stream of piss that turned to ice.
The trip was pretty much a waste as the trach they sent me with was the wrong size. A bit of Déjà Vu.
So we will try again in a couple weeks if they can get the right one. But they did schedule me for a CAT scan this Friday at the hospital. May need surgery because of blockages in both nostrils and a deviated septum.
We'll find out and go from there.
On a lighter note, I haven't seen Dr. Lipman in 19 years and was expecting the same guy, just a little older.
As usual there was a nurse getting the preliminary information and doing the prep stuff before the doctor came in. After she was finished another younger girl came in and started poking around and asking questions. Finally I asked when Dr. Lipman would be in. She says "I am Dr. Lipman". Turns out it is his daughter and she is an ENT now.
So she will be the one changing my trach and doing my surgery if needed. A bit awkward but I will roll with it.
Answer: A Window
3/3/14
Two girls were born to the same mother, on the same day, at the same time,
in the same month and year and yet they're not twins. How can this be?
I see on the news that we are considering sanctions on Russia.
Don't know all of the details but this sounds like a bad idea.
Ever feel like sending the President an e-mail that says "Mind Your Own Business"?
I am sucking the big one so far this year in the NASCAR pool.
In 41st place out of 46 players no thanks to my good friend Dale Earnhardt Junior- NOT. Not panicking yet but getting close. Kurt Busch has two more weeks to get his act together or he is going to get replaced by Kevin Harvick
Answer: The girls are part of triplets.
3/2/14
Which is worth more, a stack of 2014 $10 bills or a stack of 1999 $10 bills?
One thing about having Netflix is that you get to watch movies and TV shows you normally wouldn't watch.
I like watching the offbeat documentaries. Watched one today called Bronies which was about guys that are big
My Little Ponies fans. They even have an annual convention where these guys dress up like and talk about My Little Ponies with each other. Good Lord, I think I would rather have my son be a figure skater than a Bronie.
A stack of 2014 $10 bills because there are more of them.
2/28/14
What could possibly be worse than me being hit by a drunk driver and paralyzed for the rest of my life?
My wife being hit by a drunk driver and paralyzed for the rest of her life. I never could have done nearly as good of a job of raising our children as she did. Not even close. I am so thankful to have the daughters that I have and the grandchildren they are raising. Solely because of the love, effort and sacrifices Kim made.
Congratulations on a job well done.
2/27/14
Randy, who just moved to Westfield from New York City , walks into The Moose and orders three mugs of Bud.
He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells the CNA, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it.
It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
Randy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado.
When we all left our home in New York City , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The CNA becomes a regular at The Moose, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss." Randy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. Hasn't affected my brothers though."
I used to think that Life was the best cereal ever invented. Great texture, taste and probably not too bad healthwise. After all, it was cereal. Still like it a lot but then came Cinnamon Toast Crunch. I called it Cinnamon Toast Crack.
Not only was the stuff addictive but you could also get a huge generic bag of it at Walmart that only cost about
six bucks and it tasted just like the real deal.
But now there is a new king in the realm of cereal wonderfulness- Honey Bunches of Oats.
Blueberry, strawberry, mango coconut, cinnamon or my favorite chocolatey toasted almond crunch..... I'm getting
a boner! This shit is unbelievable. Don't know what the nutritional numbers are on the side of the box but don't really care. Just as long as I have a box or two on hand for my daily HB of O fix.
2/26/14
According to the American Humane Society there are between 3 and 4 million cats euthanized in shelters every year. Not to mention all of the millions of stray cats that are roaming around scavenging every day. Probably not a very good life for those without homes or in little cages where they can do nothing but sleep or walk around the 2 or 3
feet they are confined to until they are more than likely euthanized.
But alas, I have a solution to help my furry feline friends and humanity to boot.
As soon as the cat population in the shelters escalates, euthanize and make cat food out of them.
No, not for cats but for the homeless people on the street going to food kitchens. Keep two or three of them around the shelter in case anybody really wants to adopt them. If they run out make a list of people that want one and give them the next one that shows up at the shelter.
Cat meat is probably good. They are clean animals and it would be fresh kill. It would be free for soup kitchens and you could probably make a few bucks selling it to Chinese restaurants. Free pussy pasta or feline fritters isn't a bad deal for the homeless and down and out. Can't get any more humane for all involved. Garfield wouldn't feel a thing and wouldn't have to live a pitiful life in a lonely tiny cage waiting for a new owner that never comes.
No my friends, I am not cruel, but a caring lover of animals. Just trying to do my part to help
our furry friends everywhere- even cats.
2/26/14
2/25/14
Well Dale Earnhardt Jr. won the Daytona 500 last Sunday.
It's going to be a long NASCAR season if he keeps doing well. I am one of the few players NASCAR fantasy league who took Denny Hamlin instead of Dale Jr. Hopefully this doesn't become a habit for him.
That doughnut puncher could cost me some serious money otherwise.
One of the girls here turned me on to a scam I never heard of before.
She said that when she parks in one of those ridiculously expensive hospital parking lots
she does the old punching the button on the machine at the entrance twice trick. Simply get another ticket 15 to 20 min. before you leave and use that one when you check out. Simple and illegal but brilliant.
The thought never even occurred to me. I secretly call this the Jodi scam.
2/24/14
I've been going through some of my old posts and entertaining myself with the daily rants.
I was going through 2002 and Marion Barry just got caught with cocaine, that shoe bomber got caught when they landed in Detroit on Christmas Eve and Robert Blake just got arrested for killing his wife. Ah, the good old days.
Also came across this little nugget giving a dogs-eye view of life.
Bitch, bitch, bitch.... nobody seems happy anymore.
We all have our pet peeves, but now it appears that our pets have peeves also.
Believe it or not, I got this email yesterday from a DOG that
asked me to pass this along on the Rant-
Dear humans, it's all too easy to see where that phrase
"treating him like a dog" came from. We have feelings too you know.
You're never at a loss to tell me the things I do that piss you off, but did
it ever occur to you that you do some things that piss me off too?
I took the time to write just a few of them down. I suggest that you
take the time to read them unless you'd like a little "surprise" next time you come home from wherever the Hell it is that you're always going to.
1. When you run away in the middle of a perfectly good leg humping.
2. Always blaming your smelly-ass farts on me... not funny.
4. How you naively believe that the stupid cat isn't all over everything while you're gone. (Have you noticed that your toothbrush tastes a little like cat butt?
5. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly who's walk is this anyway?
6. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose... stop it.
7. Yelling at me for rubbing my ass on your carpet. Why'd you buy carpet?
8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet... idiot.
9. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth, you're just jealous.
10. Dog sweaters. Have you noticed the fur? Imbecile.
11. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your shit up when you're not home.
12. When you pick up the crap piles in the yard. Do you realize how far behind schedule that puts me?
13. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting surprised when I freak out everytime we go back.
14. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain, you nitwit.
15. Invisible fences. Why do you insist on screwing with us? To my knowledge, dogdom hasn't yet solved the visible fence problem!!
2/23/14
2014 Prediction- Dale Earnhardt Junior comes out of the closet and announces that he is gay.
Come on, 39 years old, never married and you never see him in a picture with his girlfriend.
Life is a dead end. It is going to end but you don't know when. Some roads are better than others
but the conclusion is the same. I am on Cass Street below the hill almost to the railroad tracks. How is it that you can see the bright light of the engine even though it seems far away. The sound of the whistle shouldn't be heard because it is in front of the train but it is. What makes it so loud?
Don't know the answers but that is life. Everybody sees the termination of pavement at the dead end.
It is coming for all of us.
2/22/14
I've been going through my old entries into The Rant.
it's funny to see things that I wrote 10 or 11 years ago. I came across this one which I don't remember writing but kind of like it.
The story goes that some time ago a man punished his 5-year-old daughter for wasting a roll of expensive gold wrapping paper. Money was tight and he became even more upset when the child pasted the gold paper so as to decorate a box to put under the Christmas tree.
Nevertheless, the little girl brought the gift box to her father the next morning and said, "This is for you, Daddy." The father was embarrassed by his earlier overreaction, but his anger flared again when he found the box was empty. He spoke to her in a harsh manner, "Don't you know, young lady, when you give someone a present there's supposed to be something inside the package?"
The little girl looked up at him with tears in her eyes and said, "Oh, Daddy, it's not empty. I blew kisses into it until it was full." The father was crushed. He fell on his knees and put his arms around His little girl, and he begged her to forgive him for his unnecessary anger.
An unfortunate accident took the life of the child only a short time later and it is told that the father kept that gold box by his bed for all the years of his life. And whenever he was discouraged or faced difficult problems he would open the box and take out an imaginary kiss and remember the love of the child who had put it there.
In a very real sense, each of us as human beings have been given a golden box filled with unconditional love and kisses from our children, family, friends and God. There is no more precious possession anyone could hold.
2/21/14
I don't think I have had a single drink this month. Just haven't felt very well.
Did get a case of California dry reds online about a week ago though. Will have to tap into that soon. Hard to believe that you can order wine online and have it delivered anywhere. Where was this when I was 16 years old?
Finished the 6th season of Dexter last night. Love that show. A serial killer that hunts down and kills serial killers. Doesn't get much better than that. Which side of the coin would you choose on the morality of that issue?
Been thinking about David Parker, another high level quad that was in the bed across from me in the ventilator unit at rehab in Erie 20 years ago. Probably because we are approaching March Madness. David was a college basketball fanatic and knew more about it than any white guy I'd ever met.
His spinal cord injury occurred when he was taking the laundry out of his car.
When he opened the door after coming home from the laundromat some asshole robbed him. He didn't have his wallet on him because it was in the trunk of his car. So he shot him. David got weaned off the ventilator but was completely paralyzed. He ended up being a teacher at his old high school until he died a few years ago after complications from his injuries. When it comes to attitude and drive, David put me to shame. But his parents are still dying a long and lonely death that started in 1994. Similar to the one my parents suffered after I was hit by a drunk driver the year before. The Parkers are a nice family and I hope they are all doing well. And to Angie,
his fiancé 2 decades ago whose future was also drastically changed by a degenerate committing a crime.
2/20/14
Looks like I have a UTI and a sinus infection so I am on an antibiotic
and an antiviral. What joy
Can't stop wondering why some eggs have baby chickens in them and some don't.
Or if a hen has to have sex every time it lays an egg. Seems like a lot of work for a rooster. Thanks to the Internet I now know that a chicken doesn't have to have sex to lay eggs. It's just a natural thing that they lay one egg a day.
But to get a chicken it has to get laid (no pun intended).
Now I know the rest of the story.
2/18/2014
As a senior citizen was driving down the thruway his cell rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Harlen, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on the I-90 Please be careful!" "Hell," said Harlen, "It's not just one car. There's hundreds of them!"
Having a hard time breathing as usual. Was on an antibiotic last week and starting another one today for a week. Have an appointment at an ENT in three weeks to change my trach. Always a dreaded visit but it has been more than two years since I have had it done. Going to ask him about that surgery where they break your nose, straighten your septum and clean everything out. Don't think I will like the answer either way.
Hang in there Pam, we're thinking about you.
2/15/2014
Trying to figure out how to do this again. Can't believe it has been 10 years.
Got a chuckle out of looking through some of my previous entries. What a douche bag. Sad Part is that not much has changed.
Anyone watching the Olympics? Let's face it, nobody watches the Olympics. But I did catch 5 min. of the men's ice dancing. Good Lord, where do they get these guys? There is no way that any male should be on that ice without a hockey stick. Curling shouldn't be considered a sport any more than beer pong or foosball. But I wouldn't have any problem with my sons playing it.
Ski jumping is borderline sport. They even have little ruts to put your skis in now. They go straight down the ramp and make a jump at the end. The jump even follows the contour of the hill now so they are only 10 or 20 feet off the ground. Nothing like the good old days when The Wild World of Sports had that guy falling all over the place at the beginning.
And where do they find ski jumpers? I've never met anybody that has ski jumped.
I don't even know where they have ski jumps. Ever get the feeling that anybody that goes to all of the bother to find a ski jump ramp and do it can be on the Olympic team because there just isn't that much competition? Especially women ski jumpers. Sorry ladies but have you ever met
a female ski jumper?