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Chapter 1
The young aide ran
down the hall as fast as he could. He gripped the document marked
"Top Secret" firmly in his right hand. After what seemed like days,
he reaced the oval office, went inside, and closed the door before making
his announcement.
"Sir...President
Clinton," he gasped, "I've just been informed the intergalactic starship
project has been completed."
"Why didn't
you just call me and tell me?"
"This was more
dramatic."
"Oh."
"Also, sir,
your lawyer is on line 3. He wants to talk to you about Whitewater.
And don't forget, you have a meeting with the starship's project staff
to decide on a captain for the ship." He shuffled out and sprinted
back down the hall.
"Left alone
with his thoughts, Clinton's mind began to wander. "Hmm ... a starship
captain ... I wonder ..."
2 hours later, a White House conference
room was filled with America's best rocket scientists. It was a jumble
of conversations, although most of them were about Star Trek and women.
As the door opened, though, all fell silent, as the head engineer, Doctor
Goldberg, stood up at the other end of the room to greet the new arrival.
"Ah, Mr. President, it is an honor
to have you here," Goldberg gushed. "If you'll take you'll just take
your seat we can begin reviewing the possible candidates."
"Hold up there Sparky." Clinton
liked calling Goldberg Sparky because he knew he hated it. "Now,
I've been thinking about this whole starship captain thing. I've
also been thinking about cheerleaders, but that's not important.
What is important is that I've already decided on a captain."
"But--but--," Goldberg stammered.
"No buts Sparky. I've decided
that the captain of the starship wil be ... me!" Every single jaw
in the room dropped, as the scientists sat in stunned silence. Finally,
Dr. Goldberg managed to speak.
"Sir ... you ... you can't!
This is a highly delicate instrument! You would need extensive
piloting experience just to have any chance of being able to fly it!"
"Listen Jew Boy, my decision is final.
I'm captain."
"Sir," Goldberg said wearily, "for
the last time, I'm not Jewish."
"Riiiiight, Sparky." Clinton
gave a wink to the other engineers, who had to muffle their laughs, and
left.
"What are we going to do?!" cried
Goldberg. "We can't let him be captain!"
"Wait a minute." said Dr. Penner.
"Wouldn't it be funny just to see what it would be like? What's the
worst that would happen if he ruined the ship? We just make another
and then we'll get a real captain. All it'll do is make taxes
go up. Now I know I cheat on my taxes. What about the
rest of you guys?" The other engineers murmured in agreement.
"Right. So it wouldn't affect us."
"Hmmm. I see your point."
Goldberg paused. "Plus, we probably wouldn't have to pay Clinton
to do it."
"Oh, shut up you cheap Jew!"
Penner snapped back.
"Damn it, I'm not Jewish!" Goldberg
yelled. "Look. I carry a copy of the Bible with me all the
time. I have a cross in my office. For gods sake, when I'm
not in the lab I'm the pastor at the Protestant church! How could
you think I'm Jewish?!"
"You're name is pretty Jewish," one
engineer replied.
"Yeah, and you don't really like spending
a lot of money," another added.
"Your nose is sort of big," a third
chimed in.
"I give up. Fine, it's settled,
Clinton is the captain. Now lets go."
The first thing Clinton did was pick
out a crew for the ship. It was a varied crew, made up of mostly
semi-major celebrities. For first-mate, Clinton chose Jenny McCarthy.
Janet Reno was named chief security officer, the guy who played Scotty
on Star Trek was named engineed, Jack Kervorkian was named doctor, and
Marv Albert was picked to provide play-by-play commentary. Others
eventually picked to fill out the remaining positions.
After that, the crew underwent the
rigorous training that flying the new starship required. Finally,
months later, all that remained to be done was to choose a name.
It was decided that they would print out a list of all the famous people
who had died in the past 10 years. Clinton then threw a dart at the
list. It fell between "Richard Nixon" and "Jeffery Dahmer."
While Dr. Kervorkian was strongly in favor of naming the ship The Dahmer,
it was decided The Nixon would be a better choice.
"Al? You can come in now."
Clinton was seated at his desk, going over the specifications of the Nixon
one last time. He was scheduled to launch in 3 days. "Al, as
you know I'll be leaving soon, so I just wanted to tell you I've decided
to name you to finish out my term as President. Anyone who thinks
it's good to have lesbians on TV is O.K with me."
"Yes! I knew that would work!"
Gore mumbled to himself.
"What?"
"Ummm ... nothing Bill."
"Oh ... alright."
"You know, Bill, don't worry.
I'm not going to become a megalomaniac, take over the world, and start
wreaking havoc all around the universe or anything." (This is what
we in the writing business call "foreshadowing.")
"Phew! Al, I am certainly relieved
to hear that!" said Bill, slumping back into his chair.
And so, on a clear day in July, the
starship Nixon blasted off for adventures in the great unknown.
Everyone around the world was watching the lift off. Especially interested
in the lift off was one tall, gawky, stiff man, laughing deviously as he
twirled in his chair behind a desk labeled "Bill Clinton."
Email: kingbond@hotmail.com
