"You know, First Mate McCarthy, something just occured to me. Technically,
my marriage isn't legally binding in space. So...how about it?"
"Bill, I already told you, I won't have sex with you."
"Why not?!" Clinton cried. "By my reckoning, in the 2 weeks we've been
in space you've had sex with every guy on this ship except for me! Also,
you're not to call me 'Bill'. You are to refer to me as Captain...Captain
Clinton. I just like saying that...Captainnnnnnnnn...Clinnnnnnntonnnnnn.."
"Ummmm...right Bill. Uhh, I've gotta go. You know, uh, I've got work
to do."
"What do you mean? You don't do anything on the ship. You just stand
there and look sexy." Clinton replied.
"Yeah, but, uh...Oh my god, we just passed a McDonalds! Look behind you!"
"What?!" Clinton spun around and pressed his face against the window in
his cabin. "I don't see any-" Clinton turned to find that McCarthy had ran
out while his back was turned. "Ah, dammit, I fell for that again!"
The bridge was a bustle of activity when Captain Clinton came in.
"Sir," said the ship's science officer, "we've detected intelligent
life on one of the planets in this system. I believe we should go down and
investigate."
"Hmmm. Alright, lets go check it out."
When the Nixon landed, a crowd of the native people had gathered near
the ship. It seemed as if they were having a ceremony in honor of the ship.
"Hmmm. I better go out and greet them," Clinton remarked. At that,
Clinton, his science officer, and Janet Reno went outside to greet the crowd.
As they left the ship, a man on a platform began to speak into the
microphone.
"Honored space travelers," he began, "it is our pleasure to welcome you
to our planet."
"Why is he speaking English?" Clinton whispered to his aide.
"It's a plot device," he replied. "The story would really get bogged
down if nobody knew what was being said. So, they all speak English."
"Oh."
The native man on the stage continued. "Come, come, we have prepared a great feast
for you all!" Cllinton was convinced and the crew followed the natives.
The head native man, whose name was Doxus, walked in front with Captain
Clinton. The two chatted idly until they reached the great hall. Outside,
Clinton was shocked to see at least a hundred men and women lined up against
the wall, facing a firing squad.
"What's going on there??" Clinton asked incredulously.
"Them?" said Doxus. "We'll be having them for dinner."
"They're what?!" Janet Reno screamed.
"Cannibals!!! I know, it sounds so kooky.
Nonetheless, we're not here to make enemies. Maybe I should just go there, have
a bite, make nice with them, and then get out of there. I mean, what harm could
it do?"
"Oh, all right. But if you
get into trouble, just radio back and I'll be right there ready to kick some
cannibal ass!"
"Ummmm, I don't think
that'll be neccesary Janet," Clinton quickly said.
"Damn it!"
Clinton arrived at the
great hall and was immediately greeted by Doxus.
"Ah, Captain Clinton,
we are so glad you could come. Ummm, where is the rest of your crew?"
Clinton quickly searched for an explanation. "Oh, uh, they had to,
uh, do some...you know...scientific stuff."
"Oh well, more for us then, eh?!" Doxus gave
Clinton a hearty slap on the back. Clinton smiled weakly. "Come now, have a
bite. It's fried!"
Clinton thought to
himself. "Well, I guess it'll be okay. I mean it's fried. Just a little bit."
Clinton took a bite. "Hey," he exclaimed to Doxus, "this ain't bad! This is
pretty damn good, in fact! Pass some more of that over here!"
Later that night, the
Nixon received a radio message from Captain Clinton. He briskly informed
them he wanted to stay and they should leave without him.
"Damn it, I knew
this was trouble!" Reno slammed her fist inton the table.
"Ummm...are you sure
this is a good idea?" asked one young crew member.
"Yes, I'm sure you idiot!
You question my judgement again and I'll break every one of your little pansy
bones!!" The young crew member looked like a deer caught in a pair of headlights.
"The captain must have been brainwashed or something. We'll organize an attack
force to go in there and get him. Your orders: Kick ass, and take one prisoner:
Captain Bill Clinton.
Next Time! The thrilling rescue of Captain Clinton!
and...
Trouble back on Earth!
