Warning: if anyone out there taped Dawson's Creek and is planning on watching it later... go watch it now and then come back and read.


So, as you could probably guess from that warning... I just got finished watching Dawson's Creek. (yes, it's late, I taped it so I could fastfoward through the commercials.) Anyway, can I just say it's about time???

Yes, I will be the first to admit that Dawson's Creek is one of the most unrealistic shows on television and that the whole coming out theme is just their way of getting ratings for sweeps week. I know all that.

truth is, I don't care.

To even admit that such a thing as a gay teenager exists is enough for me... I am very easily satisfied. To admit that it is a hard thing to be is enough to make me love the show. (...at least until next week, when I'll probably go back to making fun of it.)

I don't know if it's a first to have an openly gay teenager on a television series or not. I don't really care about that either. And I know this won't change anything, I know the people who have a problem with it will still have a problem with it. But I'm thinking maybe it won't be so bad for the people who are going through the "what if" stage.

I think you wouldn't even realize it now, and that I just came five years too early. But five years ago anyway, there were no gay role models. I'm told Melissa Etheridge was out then... No one told me until I was already in the hospital for depression. I found books, the ones hidden in corners of the library for the most part. Once I found one mixed right in with the regular young adult books at Media Play, and I didn't even realize what I was buying when I bought it. That one book was enough to stop the "I'm the only person in the world" feelings. (I know you're wondering- the book was Annie On My Mind by Nancy Garden.)

But really, I've always wondered about the people who just don't read or the ones who are too scared to pick up a book that even hints at sexuality issues or who would pick it up but just can't find it? I think it is a very good thing to have a character dealing with being gay on the singlemost visible teenage television show.

Even if it isn't realistic.

Really, it takes more than two weeks. I know they were hinting at the "it's been there all along" theme, but it takes more than two weeks to go from "oh my god what did I just write" to screaming "yes I am gay!"

And is there really a place where he would have a chance in hell of having a group of five friends all supportive enough to not bail? Is there any place where a 16 year old can afford to be brave enough to speak up defending gay people? And actually semi-convince the guy? Really, if there is such a place, tell me and I'll start packing. In my world, he'd be lucky to have one of those people stand by him. And I guess I did know one 13 year old who spoke up. ...but she didn't convince anybody.

Are there really people religious enough to say, "It's not your job to judge" and actually mean it? I know religious-type people who say "don't judge" but I've never met one who acted on it.


Aside from the people I met in my brief stint attending GLBSA meetings, I've met three people on campus I'd be comfortable coming out to. Which does not at all mean I plan on doing so any time soon... it really isn't necessary at this point. But if it came to that point, where we were friends enough that I thought they should know, I'd be able to tell them. I guess I've only met two people I would be very very uncomfortable telling... one of them because she is outspokenly religious - which is not in and of itself a bad thing - but she is also outspokenly anti-gay. ("it's against the bible, which should come first." I think that's how it goes.) ...and the other is just a product of major small-town brainwashing to the point that she just doesn't seem able (or willing) to try to erase it. It would maybe be almost worthwhile to tell her, just to see her reaction... except I know that if I did tell her everyone in the hall would know within an hour, and I've decided that if I ever come out again it will be my own way on my own terms. It won't be by telling someone who tells someone else so that I suddenly become "that gay girl."


New topic: Did I mention my cousin is supposedly coming up this weekend? She's supposed to spend Friday night in the dorm with me. See the campus and such. Which pretty much rules out my plan of going out Friday night.


Did you catch that? I said I was considering going out. That is an amazing thing. That I'd even consider it. I've been sort of considering it slightly...

And then, last (Tuesday) night at dinner, Erin spent a good ten minutes describing in great detail the night everyone here was drinking and I took a shot. And I just sat there grinning because I realized (for the first time) that I am a damn good actor.

The way she told the story, I was sitting at the computer, and Mark brought me a shot (and Erin followed Mark because we try to not let Mark drink too much and she thought he was stealing the bottle.) and I was sitting at my computer, took the shot, "like it was water" ...and then went back to typing. And, technically, I think that is pretty much what happened. But it wouldn't've occured to me that she would actually describe me as "non-chalant" ...what was going on inside my head was definitely not "non-chalant" (Does that mean it was chalant? It it was not non-chalant, chalant would make sense, if that's a word...)

Anyway, after this ten minute monologue she said, "You have to come out with us sometime!" ...and I responded like I always do (to the people who already know my age) and said, "...and I would get in how?" ...and every other time before this, the person asking would just say, "Oh." (they forget at an amazing rate. How is it I'm the only one who can't forget?)

Erin didn't say "Oh." ...she said, "With your college ID." ...and I said, "Oh."

It never occured to me that there are no other college students under 18 this time of year and that bouncers are perhaps the only people around who don't know about me.

So that of course blew my cover of "I only don't go out because I can't get in" ...and really it isn't much of a cover any more cuz now I'm curious. So I am planning on going out with them before the end of the semester.

My new philosophy is that 17 or not it isn't normal to spend a whole year living on campus and never enter a bar.

I recently got invited to live in a hall next year that they actually plan on calling "The Scholar's Hall" and they actually plan on filling it with scholarship people and honors program people and such. My reaction? I would like to be semi-normal for once in my life. I'm not at all picky, I don't ever expect to be fully normal, I'll settle for semi and I'll probably even settle for only once. But I am not going to purposely set myself up to be a geek. I am one anyway, and I have no problems at all with that. (please don't write me and say "you are not a geek, you're...." (fillintheblank) because I happen to like the title geek.) ...I just don't feel the need to let everyone know that on the first day.

anyway, the whole "geek" train of thought reminds me that I have a quiz tomorrow I haven't started studying for yet.
~me