Allura

It's so quiet in the castle. I'm not used to it. Sad as it is, what I am used to are the klaxons blaring every half hour, having to run to my Lion in the middle of night still in my nightclothes, and all the other delights that war has brought to my planet. It has made me into a sporadic sleeper which in turn has made me a generally cranky person. Not exactly a dainty Princess of yore.

If I could pace, I would. As it is, I'm just circling about in my hoverchair. If I can't move, something will. I want to go visit Keith, but I know Lance is in there. I just peeked in and he was asleep, or looked like he was. I didn't want to disturb him. Contrary to popular belief, I can show a little sensitivity. He looked like he needed some rest anyway.

So here I am in my hospital room with only myself as company. I hate that. I deal with myself everyday. I need a break in the form of another soul to talk to. For the past two years, that soul has been Keith. I don't know why, or how, but he's reached me where no one else has. I suppose it's because he's patient. I'm not the most accomodating person and I'm very difficult to get along with--I'm not ashamed of that fact, I'm proud of it. I've survived this long, haven't I? But I suppose maybe it was just time to open up to someone. And he just happened to be in the right place at the right time.

Wait. Let me take that back. If Hunk or Lance had been there, I doubt we would have achieved the closeness that Keith and I have. It's just a certain something about him. And I'm luckier because of it. There have been rumors circulating among the maids that we're having an affair, but that's a lie. Our relationship is not even close to being the least bit sordid. It's clean and pure, cliched as that sounds. Helps relieve the darkness from time to time.

Darkness.

There's been a lot more darkness ever since my visit with Niloc. Inevitable considering the psychological and physical strain imposed upon me. I don't have nightmares about it. The sleeping pills Gorma gave me help there, but memories of it do haunt me when I'm awake. Never have I been through anything like that. The physical part didn't hurt me nearly as much; those wounds heal. It's the wounds that aren't nearly so treatable that's got me, and everyone else, worried. Had Cheddar not been there...I'm afraid of what might have happened. I would have given in. Betrayed by my own body. Niloc knew what he was doing when he built that room. Bastard.

If Keith hadn't killed him, I would have. And I would have relished it. Maybe then I would have had some kind of closure. Revenge is the best kind of closure. I haven't had the pleasure, but that's what I hear. Too bad Keith took that away from me. I don't begrudge him that, however. He has deeper wounds that I do. So I had to settle for listening to Lance's description of what Keith did to Niloc, as well as reading his report. I wish I had been there to see it myself. It would have helped. Keith really went above and beyond for this one, but I know that when he wakes up, he's not going to be happy with what he's done. He's not that kind of man. He'll feel guilt and maybe anger, and fear that he lost the control that he's so proud of. I know he will. I know him.

He has that strength that I always thought I had, but he showed me that I was wrong. He has a purity of soul that I wish I had. Maybe I had one once, but I exchanged that soul for a darker one. I thought it would be stronger. But it wasn't. He'll see his act as one of weakness. He wasn't able to prevent his animalistic qualities from coming out and he'll be ashamed. I wouldn't have been. There's another reason why I'm weak. And another reason why I need him.

If there's one thing I do fear, it's being weak. All my life, I've had to keep my head up during the worst and draw strength from wherever I could get it. I believed that there wasn't anyone in the world who could throw that strength back in my face. I was wrong.

No, it wasn't Niloc. It wasn't even Keith.

It was me.

I showed myself that I could be afraid. More afraid than I have ever been. And that scared me even more. I was building a nice high pyramid of fear until I saw the others again. Now, I realize that weakness is not as bad as my need for revenge. But I'm only human. I hate Niloc and I'm not going to fight this one. I hate him for what he did to me and even more for what he did to Keith.

His own son.

I still can't believe that Keith didn't tell me about their relationship. And he knew. He knew before we left Galaxy Garrison. That's what was bothering him that whole trip back. As I think about it now, it smarts. I never thought that his keeping this vital piece of information to himself could bother me this much. I thought that he could confide in me--that we could confide in each other. I was wrong. Maybe this was so painful for him that he didn't want to open that wound. I understand that. At least my brain does. I don't know about the rest of me. I just wish he'd told me. It wouldn't have made much difference to the decisions we made, but it might have brought us that much closer...

...And I wouldn't regret not saying anything about how I feel about him before it's too late.

I'm not admitting to any romantic feelings which everyone seems to suspect we have for each other. I'm admitting to the fact that he's someone I hold close to my heart, someone that I can't imagine living without, someone I depend on wholly. This doesn't mean that I'm not attracted to him. Who wouldn't be? But there's no room in my life for that right now. Maybe not ever. I have too much to do, too many duties to attend to. I don't want to have to choose between my royal office and a person who I will promise to spend forever with. I've been through enough. And Riaru knows Keith has too. I can't risk it. I won't.

All this thinking is making me tired. I think that's enough soul-searching for one day. I look around the room for something to distract me. The bottle of pills next to my bed catches my attention, but I'm not ready to sleep yet. I look down and see my feet bathed in silvery light. The moonlight is streaming in through my "window". Naturally, the castle doesn't have any real windows. It's a security risk. But we do have views that we can look at. I like looking at the garden. The garden my mother tended, and the one Keith and I take care of now. So I sit at the window, my chin in my hand, and I look.