Romelle

My room is warm, my bed inviting, and I immediately feel sleepy. I change into my nightclothes and crawl under the soft covers. But as soon as my head hits the pillow, my thoughts start to spin.

Allura wants me to go to Earth. Not because she wants to get rid of me or anything like that, in fact my cousin and I get along perfectly, but because she needs a representative for Arus at the Alliance Senate. And since Coran is much too important to the daily workings of Arus to go, the job is left to me. She's not forcing me to go, she's given me a choice. I think she was a little hesitant to ask me to leave because she feels I'm too fragile still. She wouldn't have asked me, if she hadn't been afraid that Doom might get their hands on me again. Despite her famously sour disposition, Allura is the most thoughtful person I've met. I'm glad she's giving me this chance.

Even though the situation surrounding my taking her position is bad, I find myself in my element. I like being in control. It's probably because of all the control I lost while in Doom...nevertheless, I want to be in the thick of things. I want to hash out treaties, be the consummate diplomat. All those years ago when I was the representative of my father's court, I was good at what I did then. I want to do that again. I have to make something of myself so that I can look back on my days and be proud.

I haven't told Bandor yet. He may be upset about my representing Arus, but I owe Allura something. He'll want me to go to Pollux to help rebuild the kingdom. To be perfectly honest...I'm not ready to go back there yet. Too many memories. Bad ones. I want to go to Earth to live some kind of life before I go back to Pollux.

Whether or not Sven will go with me.

I love him so much it hurts, but I have to move on with my life. Allura offered to send him along as my bodyguard because then he'd have no choice, but I want him to have one. Arus has been his home for so long and his friends are here. I know how important Keith and Lance are to him. I don't want to take that away. But I will miss him--so much that it'll hurt--if he doesn't come. We'll see how it goes.

I wonder how Keith is doing. I never realized how much of an impact he's made on these people's lives. I miss seeing him sitting in Castle Control. He made everyone feel safe because he was always watching over us. There are few great men in this universe, but I count him as one. He's so young, but his eyes are wise. We're lucky he's around. But he seems to have a perpetual bullseye on his forehead. One night, Lance, Sven, and I were just sitting in the rec room and they regaled me with stories of their time at the Academy. Trouble follows Keith. He's not a troublemaker, but somehow, it finds him. Niloc found him. After all this time...

When I saw that face on the viewscreen looming over us, I was filled with a fear that I hadn't felt since I last saw Lotor. For a moment, just a brief one, I felt like I was back on Doom with Lotor and his guards, enduring torture like I never had before. My father raised his hand in anger often, but I was never treated the way Lotor treated me. Never been forced in that--that way. After I destroyed Lotor's child, the child he forced upon me, I thought I could forget. Like an old-fashioned terran exorcism as Lance said to me after it was over. I thought that I had finally put that behind me, but after looking into Niloc's face...

I push my face into my pillow and the soft linen of the pillowcase absorbs my tears. Even after feeling love for the first time and being surrounded by people who care about me, I still can't forget all the evil that has touched me. It will be a part of me forever. I wish I could cut that part away. One night, I told Sven all this. I suppose every couple has one special night like that, when everything comes together and it's clear why you're with each other. He held me as I cried and I think it was then did he realize how much he cared about me. I had never seen him look at me like that before that night. Whenever I see that light in his eyes, everything seems to disappear and there's only the two of us. Romantic, I know, but can you blame me?

I also told Allura. In her calm, reasonable way, she told me that it's how I handle it that matters. She knows all about dealing with things. Her life has been hard too. In a different way than mine, but still hard. I was afraid that being in that hoverchair would enrage her. She's not any less vocal about her thoughts, but she is not angry about her situation. Maybe frustrated, but she finds some way to get what she wants done. She's finally letting other people take some responsibility. Slowly, but surely, she's turning into the kind of ruler that her people can be very proud of and highly respect. When I look into her eyes, I see a new strength in them. Whatever Niloc did to her didn't kill her spirit; it's stronger now.

But I also see sadness that I know stems from her worries and fears over Keith's condition. She needs him as much as he needs her. Everyone knows it except them. I hope they resolve everything when he wakes up. Life is too short to waste over pride or ignorance. Gwen said that to me. She got the brains in the family.

This group of soldiers is unlike any I've met before. Some cosmic hand drew them together to create this perfect team. Lance's mischieviousness balances out Keith's seriousness. Sven makes sure that Keith doesn't put Lance on KP duty for the rest of his natural life and that Lance doesn't snap Keith's sanity. Pidge and Hunk play off each other's intellect to build these incredible machines. Allura adds some extra firepower with her mind and her quick wit. Gwen acts like a denmother along with Nanny, making sure that they take care of themselves. And Coran is like the guiding hand. They each have their roles and after what's happened, I know they play their roles well. I'm proud to be a part of their team. I'm proud to be a part of anything that doesn't involve my being chained to a wall.

That slipped. I've been hanging around Lance too much.

Any vestige of sleepiness I felt is gone now, but I need to rest. Unlike the others, I know the importance of getting enough rest. Running on adrenaline or caffeine or some other stimulant can be dangerous. I reach for the bottle of sleeping pills Doctor Gorma prescribed for me and pop one into my mouth, swallowing it easily. Without them, I'd be up all night. Nighttime is filled with bad memories and fears. My mind refuses to rest. It's a family trait as shown by my almost insomniac cousin and hyperactive brother.

My family. My father Coba, King Of Pollux, was nicknamed "Coba the Cruel" by his helpless subjects. My older brother Avoc was as ruthless and unfeeling as my father. I remember when Avoc was younger. He used to bring my mother flowers. She's nothing but a memory. Things might have been different had she been around. Tall, elegant, with long blonde hair, and the blue eyes that I inherited, she was the love of my father's life. When she died, he turned to the darker side without hesitation because she was all that was keeping him from it. He formed that blasted alliance with Zarkon and the other Drules, using the once pristine castle my mother was so proud of as a meeting place to plan evil deeds. He makes me sick. They all do. I'm glad that Bandor escaped their shadow. He'll raise Pollux up to its former glory. If he doesn't, his children or my children will. It will never be fall into evil again.

Coran wants to get our mission to rid Pollux of the remaining Doom bases underway. We were discussing it earlier and although I want my planet free, we can't leave Arus right now. Our resources must be replenished before going to battle again--even at the risk of Doom's rebuilding their forces to defend Pollux. But Green Lion and three Voltron pilots are down, countless Arusian fighters are docked for an undetermined period of time...we don't have the strength to launch a full-scale attack yet. Riaru...I hope we get there soon.

My thoughts drift away...and my eyes finally close. The pills have kicked in. Goodnight.