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"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,"
--Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign.
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"
--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,"
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.
"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president,"
--Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.
"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"
--A congressional candidate in Texas.
"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves."
--John Wayne
"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment.
It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
--Al Gore, Vice President
"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."
--Dan Quayle
It's no exaggeration to say that the undecided could go one way or another"
--George Bush, US President
"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"
--Lee Iacocca
"I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version,"
--Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony.
"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein,"
--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."
--Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.
"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
--Bill Clinton, President
"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
--Al Gore, VP
"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."
--Keppel Enderbery
"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
--Department of Social Services, Greenville South Carolina
"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed, and it will monitor their heart through the night,and the next morning, if they wake up dead, there'll be a record."
--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
...Feeling smarter yet? Enjoy!!!“True abundance is to have more, desire less.” --Anonymous******************************************************
"There are 100,000 total marijuana smokers in the U.S., and most are Negroes, Hispanics, Filipinos and entertainers. Their Satanic music, jazz and swing, result from marijuana use. This marijuana can cause white women to seek sexual relations with Negroes, entertainers and any others... The primary reason to outlaw marijuana is its effect on the degenerate races."
- Excerpt from the testimony of Harry J. Anslinger, director at the Federal Bureau of Narcotics, before the U.S. Senate in 1937.
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Quotes Home
Da Good
Da Bad
Da Ugly
Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.
Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann
======================
Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.
Rich Cook
"On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily lying down." -- Woody Allen
=======================================
Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a
role model: "I wan' all them kids to do what I
do, to look up to me. I wan' all the kids to
copulate me."
................................................
New Orleans Saint Running Back George Rogers when
asked about the upcoming season: I want to rush
for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever come first."
................................................
And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skins say:
"I'd run over my own mother to win the Super
Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win,
I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."
................................................
Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on
his coach, John Jenkins:"He treats us like men.
He lets us wear earrings."
................................................
Senior basketball player at the University of
Pittsburgh: "I'm going to graduate on time, no
matter how long it takes." (that is beautiful)
................................................
Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach:
"You guys line up alphabetically by height."
And, "You guys pair up in groups of three, then
line up in a circle."
................................................
Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking
up again with promoter Don King:
"Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter?
He went to prison for three years, not Princeton."
................................................
Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing,
explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself
above his locker: "That's so when I forget how
to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."
................................................
Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan
training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota:
"He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the
morning regardless of what time it is."
.....................................
Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former
player: "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you?
Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I
don't know and I don't care.'"
.......................................
Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M,
recounting what he told a player who received
four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like
you're spending too much time on one subject."
................................................
Oiler coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob
Costas why he takes his wife on all the road
trips, Phillips responded: "Because she is too
dadgum ugly to kiss good-bye."
=====================================
nOT rEALLY qUOTES BUT WHAT THE HECK
Let's go for stupid
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for
her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
Caught for speeding
The cop got out of his car and the kid, that was stopped for speeding, rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.
The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
Stuck under a bridge
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads "low bridge ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"
The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."
Drunk?
The drunken wino was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, sir. You're obviously drunk".
The wasted wino asked, "Ociffer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"
"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."
Obviously relieved, the wino said "That's a relief - I thought I was a cripple."
Dealing with trouble
A deputy police officer responded to a report of a barroom disturbance. The "disturbance" turned out to be well over six feet tall and weighed almost 300 pounds. What's more, he boasted that he could whip the deputy and Muhammad Ali too.
Said the policeman, "I'll bet that you're also an escape artist-probably better than Houdini."
"If I had some chains," the deputy continued, "you could show us how strong you really are. But all I've got is a set of handcuffs. Why don't you see just how quickly you can break out of them?"
Once in the cuffs, the man puffed, pulled and jerked for four minutes. "I can't get out of these," the giant growled.
"Are you sure?" the deputy asked. The fellow tried again. "Nope," he replied. "I can't do it."
"In that case," said the deputy, "you're under arrest."
Too Late
The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.
"What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" asked the officer.
"I'm going to a lecture." The man said.
"And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked.
"My wife," said the man.
ATHLETES
1. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I wan' all dem kids to do
what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the kids to copulate me."
2. New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."
3. And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skins say: "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl, "Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To
win ,I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."
4. Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."
5. Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann,1996: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
6. Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." (now that is beautiful)
7. Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up alphabetically by height." And, "You guys pair up in groups of three, and then line up in a circle."
8. Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson going to prison: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton."
9. Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."
10. Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is."
11. Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt." (I wonder if his IQ ever hit room temperature in January)
12. Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?'
He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'"
13. Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."
14. Amarillo High School and Oiler coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road
trips, Phillips responded: "Because she is too damn ugly to kiss good- bye."
Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.
--Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872
You would make a ship sail against the winds and currents
by lighting a bonfire under her deck...I have no time for
such nonsense.
--Napoleon, commenting on Fulton's Steamship.
There is no reason anyone would want a computer in
their home.
--Ken Olson, Chairman & founder, Digital Equipment Corp 1977
640K ought to be enough for anybody.
Bill Gates
Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?
--H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927
This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously
considered as a means of communication. The device is
inherently of no value to us.
--Western Union internal memo, 1876.
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