This has been such a strange year.  It is not as overly intense as the first two.  It has taken on no particular high or low, just kind of nowhere.  There is nothing I can do to make it better and there is nothing that can make it worse.  It’s just there.  I’ve learned a lot,  I’ve accepted a lot, I’ve come to realize that I cannot change a damned thing.  This is now my life and I have to deal with it.  Some days are better than others, some days I can smile and mean it, some days I can laugh and mean it.  Some days I’m just down in that big black hole and t takes a whole lot of strength to pull myself up out of it.  I thank G-d for my two living daughters for caring so much about me, their sister, themselves.  They help tremendously to pull me up when I need it.   I have learned a lot from them also.  They value life.  They have learned way to young to cherish what they have and to make each day count.  They’ve learned to see and appreciate the beauty in life.  I have become somewhat of a skeptic about life.  I’m just not sure.   Maybe I’m afraid because I’ve lost so much but yet I have so much.  I have my memories.  Is that supposed to fulfill me as a mother?  I don’t know the answer to that.  It most certainly is not what I wanted but it is what I have.

I am trying to celebrate Vanessa’s life instead of constantly focusing on her death.  Maybe this is where I will find some peace.  I am eternally grateful for the memorials that remember her life each year.  I am learning from those also.  There is always a bright, hopeful new face receiving these awards. The story of Vanessa and her accomplishments has been told to them and all the recipients have said that even though they might not have known her, she has made a positive impact on their lives.  What a legacy to leave behind.

The coat drive for underprivileged children will begin again in December.  It was also a wonderful tribute to Vanessa.  It was overwhelming to see the amount donations to buy the coats and even more overwhelming to see the faces on the parents to have the opportunity to put a brand new jacket on their child.  The appreciation from the parents was a gift in itself.  I’m learning to treasure these moments, they celebrate Vanessa’s life.  It does make a difference.

I’ve also been contacted by several bereaved parents over the past year and am helping them through their incredibly difficult first year. I guess I have learned something and I’ve given something. It helps to make it through each day.

I don’t know why life has taken me on such difficult roads.  I question it.  I have no answers.  I only know that I’ve learned to take each day as it comes, one day at a time and to try to see the beauty in the small wonders of life.  The simple things like the delicate butterfly that somehow manages to survive.  A special gift sent to remind me that an angel watches over me, a very, very special angel.