Losing
a child changes everything about how a family thinks, sees, tastes, touches,
and feels life. Experiences become strangely new and at times so different
that it is sometimes frightening. Traditions and times of family fun that
once seemed so routine, now feel oddly painful and lonely. Families often
find themselves seeking ways to get through the holidays, instead of planning
for holiday celebrations with past anticipation and joy.
Probably
the first coping mechanism, and the most useful, is to accept the fact
that losing a child does change things. Families often change best friends,
seeking the support of those who can identify with individual as well as
collective needs of the family. Sometimes families change churches. Often,
worshipping at the same church is an emotional pain that is too hard to
bear. Sometimes family members even change jobs, finding it easier to make
the work more bearable with a new beginning. It is, therefore, reasonable
and necessary to change some of how the family traditionally celebrated
the holidays. Losing a child brings about many changes!
Don’t
place undue expectations on yourselves as a family. When your child died,
a very real part of your identity as a family ended, too. Acknowledge that
you are now in the very difficult position of holding fast to memories
of someone you loved so very much in order to keep that precious child
alive within your family. Not everyone will understand, and that often
leaves hurt feelings, distances between friends, and even broken relationships
within the extended family. Adjusting to the loss of a child is so very
difficult for everyone.
Because
you miss your child so much, yet you want to still have your holiday season
be a time of celebration and joy, you are faced with a most difficult dilemma.
Especially hard is facing the first holiday without your child. There will
be a unique emptiness felt by each family member.
By
including your child in the holiday, you will find that, even though it
is painful, you will also feel some healing with your family take place.
Many families have found it very healing to buy a gift for the child who
has died. Place a holiday stocking on the mantle, and include small gifts
in it such as a family journal, a picture frame, or a memorial candle.
It is healing to include your child in the holiday in a special way.
Use
the child’s name when talking. Give family members permission to cry. Nobody
expects you to be a super hero, so don’t try to be one. It’s healing to
say, "I miss my baby so much, and I really wish she was with us!" Hold
each other up as a family. When we try to deny our sorrow, often the pain
only is intensified. Accept grief as a reality, and help each other through
the pain.
Do
things different, and don’t be afraid to break old holiday traditions.
Make this your year to begin a new holiday tradition. Maybe buy one really
outlandish gift that can be wrapped and rewrapped year after year. Continue
to include that particular gift in the annual family gift exchange. Think
of something different that is unique to you as a family. It will help
break the heavy grief, and aid you in finding some momentary relief from
your pain of loss.
Remind
yourselves as a family that there will be a time when things will feel
okay again. There is light at the end of the tunnel. You will be able to
choose remembering the joy your loved one brought into the family rather
than only remembering the grief of the day your child died. When a family
celebrates love, the pain becomes less intense, and you will begin to feel
relief
Reprinted
with permission from: http://silentgrief.com