1.
Family-Get-Togethers may be extremely difficult. Be honest with each other
about your feelings. Sit down with your family and decide what you want
to do. Families may get together at other times also, for example, reunions.
Mark them on your calendar. Don’t set expectations too high. Undertake
only what each family member can comfortably handle.
2. There is
no right or wrong way to handle the day. Some may wish to follow family
traditions; others may choose to change. Let family and friends know whether
it is OK to talk openly about your loss.
3. Keep in
mind the feelings of your children or family members. Try to make the holiday
season as joyous as possible for them. Listen to the kids. Talk to them.
Celebrate them.
4. Be careful
of "shoulds" – it is better to do what is most helpful for you and your
family. If a situation looks especially difficult, don’t get involved if
possible.
5. Decide on
the role you and your family will play during the holidays. Let relatives
and friends know. Don’t be afraid to make changes: Open gifts in the morning
instead of the night before; have dinner at a different time and place
etc.
6. Set limitations.
Realize that it isn’t going to be easy. Do the things that are very special
and/or important to you. Do the best you can.
7. Baking and
cleaning the house can get out of proportions. If these chores are enjoyable,
go ahead, but not to the point that they are tiring. Either buy baked goods
or go without this year.
8. Remember
the "Reason for the Season." If your faith is important to you, participate
in special holiday services.
9. Christmas
Trees: If you cut down your own, consider buying one already cut. Maybe
get a ceramic tree or a small tabletop tree.
10. Try to
get enough rest. Set aside "letting go’ time. Schedule a specific
time on your calendar to grieve. Emotionally, physically and psychologically,
holidays are draining; you need every bit of strength.
11. What you
choose to do this year, you don’t have to next year.
12. Go Away
– if you feel you will be devastated by staying home; but remember holidays
are celebrated the world over. You can’t fully escape. You may do better
facing your pain and being near people who love you.
13. Relive
the happy memories. Pick three special memories of holidays past with your
loved one. Think of them often – especially if grief spasms seem to pop
up at inappropriate times.
14. Some people
pretend Nov. 25th is Christmas and try to get whatever shopping, card-writing
etc. done by this day. This way you can avoid to some degree wishes from
clerks and strangers of a "Merry Christmas."
15. How do
we answer "Happy Holidays?" You may say, "I’ll try" or "Best wishes to
you." You may think of many answers that you don’t say.
16. If shopping
seems to be too much, have your spouse, relative or close friend help you.
Consider shopping through a catalog.
17. Try attending
Christmas services at a different time and/or church.
18.
Balance solitude with sociability. Solitude can renew strength. Being with
people you care about is equally important. Plan to attend some holiday
parties, musicals or plays. You may surprise yourself by enjoying them.
19. Write!
Write a letter to your departed one: express all your feelings of anger,
guilt, sadness etc. Write what you think his or her answer or advice would
be. Write a Family Holiday Newsletter: express your love, your loss, what
friends can do etc. Write a memorial poem or story about your loved one
and share it.
20. Thanksgiving:
"Count Your Blessings." Make a list of what the Lord has allowed you to
have: years together, good health, education, children, grandchildren,
home, automobile, church etc.
21. Christmas
Dinner! If you are accustomed to having Christmas dinner at your home,
change and go to the relatives or change the time. Some may find it helpful
to be involved in the activity of preparing a large meal. Serve it buffet
style or in a different room.
22. Crying!
Some people fear crying in public, especially at a church service. Don’t
push the tears down, be gentle with yourself. If you let go and cry, you
probably will feel better. It should not ruin the day for other family
members but will provide them with the same freedom. Tears are healing.
23. Counter
the conspiracy of silence! Because family and friends love you, they might
think they are doing you a favor by not mentioning your loved one. Openly
state that it is important for you to talk about your loved one during
the holiday season when he/she is so much on your mind. If you’re a caregiver,
mention the name of the departed one often; send them a card.
24. Share your
concerns, feelings, apprehensions etc., as the holiday approaches, with
a relative or friend. Tell them that this is a difficult time for you.
Accept their help. You will appreciate their love and support at this time.
25. Your greatest
comfort may come in doing something for others:
- give a gift
in memory of your loved one
- donate a
gift to your loved one’s favorite charity
- adopt a
needy family for the holidays
- Invite a
guest, who would otherwise be alone, to share your festivities.
- Donate your
time to Charlotte Rescue Mission
26. Attend
a local Memorial Service
- Our National
Children’s Day Memorial Service is on Saturday, December 8th at 2 PM. It
will be at Our Children’s Memorial Walkway at Frazier Park here in Charlotte.
27. At Your
Church: reserve a poinsettia in your loved one’s name; have a Widow(er)s
Banquet; dedicate a Mass in loved one’s name; donate a candlestick, pew
or window; prepare meals for hurting families; buy kids gifts if mother
widowed (help clean their house?)
28. Have a
Memory Tree or Stocking! Ask family and friends to donate an ornament in
loved one’s memory, telling why they chose that one. Or have them write
a short note & put them in the stocking.
~FROM
THE HEART OF JERRY~
We have found
that families should do whatever will help them get through the holidays
and not worry what your extended families feel they should do. At the 1st
Thanksgiving, which came less than 4 weeks after my sons’ deaths, my husband,
daughter Anne and I were able to find a restaurant open and ate dinner
alone.
We had a hard
time seeing family members with their kids, so we avoided family gatherings
that first year. So ask your immediate family what they can handle and
try to make plans ahead of time, which will help you cope better when holidays
get here.
From Beth Christenbury
Daughter:
Catherine "Catbird" Covington, 2-5-87 to 6-27-05
In reference
to "Men in Grief"
David will
tell you that he has done well because I do well--if he sees or feels me
"slipping", so does he. Neither of us would have done as well without
the other. We are both so in tune with one another and have the same
wonderful faith, family, and friends--too, Catherine is "working her magic"
with both of us as a team--just like she's helping the rest of her family
and friends. We both talk to her and about her all the time and with
everyone--I'm told that just by doing this, we've helped many. That's
part of God's plan, I'm thinking--is that David and I are supposed to show
others that you CAN make it, that you can't be angry or bitter or forever
depressed--you have to show God's love and support to others every day...
From Judy Jain
I'm in my second
year now since losing both of my children. There are times that are
a lot worse than the first year. But I also have some good times
that are better than any in the first year. Each of these moments
are longer and more intense than the first year. I think that fist
year I was in so much shock that it was just one long year of feeling that
I would never have a good day again. But many of them were just a
blur. Now, they are not a blur - they are for real and I know that
I will never see either of them again in my life time.
Sorry this
is so late. May was one of those totally depressed months.
Suicide thoughts flowed thru my head all the time. Thankfully, I
have a friend that lives next door and I have a great therapist.
They helped me make it thru once more. It all just seems to never
end.
My son, Scot,
died March 22, 2006 and my daughter Jennifer, died June 14, 2006.
Scot was born on April 1, 1972 and was 34 when he died of pneumonia and
staff infection. Jennifer was born July 14, 1978 and was 27 when
she died of an accidental overdose of methadone. Someone told her
it would help with the depression over Scot's death. Only problem
was that she was bi-polar and took several other drugs daily. Killed
her instantly.
From Susan
Lumpkin
MATTHEW SCOTT
DOUCETTE WAS BORN IN WICHITA, KANSAS THE FIRST CHILD OF CYNTHIA EUBANKS.
AT A VERY YOUNG AGE MATT WAS DIAGNOSED WITH KAWASAKI DISEASE AND HE TO
HAVE IMMUNOGLOBLIN INFUSED, LUCKILY HE HAD NO HEART PROBLEMS FROM THE DISEASE.
WE LATER TOOK HIM TO THE SHRINER'S HOSPITAL IN GREENVILLE, SC AND THERE
HE WAS DIAGNOSED WITH NEUROFIBROMATOSIS (NF1) IT CAUSES DISABILITIES,
HYPERACTIVITY, SPEECH PROBLEMS, FAULTS WITH FINE MOTOR SKILLS. MATT
OVERCAME ALL OF HIS PROBLEMS WITH HELP
FROM HIS MOTHER
AND GRANDPARENTS. THERE WERE A LOT OF HARD TIMES ALONG THE WAY. BY
THE AGE OF13 MATT TURNED OVER HIS LIFE TO JESUS AND WAS BAPTISED; ALONG
WITH HIS MOTHER AND STEPFATHER (CYNDI AND JOHN ALLEN) MATT WAS FOLLOWED
EVERY YEAR AT NF CLINIC. MATT HAD A SMILE THAT COULD WARM YOUR HEART
AND HE GATHERED FRIENDS LIKE FLOWERS. HE NEVER HAD A BAD WORD FOR ANYONE.
IN JANUARY
OF 2006 HE WAS DIAGNOSED WITH BRAINSTEM TUMOR IN THE PONS OF THE BRAIN.IT
WAS AN INOPERABLE AREA. CHEMO DID NOTHING AS IT STILL GREW. IT TOOK FIRST
HIS ABILITY TO WALK AND LOST USE OF THE RIGHT HAND AND ARM. IT THEN TOOK
HIS SPEECH AND ABILITY TO SWALLOW. THAT PRECIOUS BOY WOULD TEXT MESSAGE
US.....AS HIS WAY OF SPEAKING...HE HELD HIS PHONE UPSIDE DOWN AND TEXTED
US. I STILL HAVE ALL HIS MESSAGES IN MY PHONE. MATT LOVED NASCAR AND JEFF
GORDON #24 WAS HIS HERO....WHOM HE MET IN FEBRUARY 2006 THROUGH THE LOVE
AND KINDNESS OF HIS UNCLE TIM STEVENS AND GRANDMA FISHER. HE HAD FRONT
ROW SEAT AT THE DAYTONA 500.
LATER HE MET
HIS ALL TIME FAVORITE COUNTRY SINGER TRACEY LAWRENCE, WHICH MATT'S FAV
SONG WAS "PAINT ME A BIRMINGHAM". MATT MADE THE DECISION NOT HAVE RADIATION.....MAKE
A WISH GAVE HIM A WISH AND THE FAMILY INCLUDING GENE AND I WENT TO DISNEY.
THE TRIP PROVED TO HARD FOR MATT AND WHEN THEY GOT BACK HOME HOSPICE CAME
INTO HELP. MY DAUGHTER WAS HIS TOTAL CAREGIVER, SLEPT IN THE ROOM WITH
HIM, BATHED HIM, CHANGED HIS DIAPERS AND CLOTHES. HE WAS KEPT TO CLEAN
AND ALWAYS SMELT SO CLEAN. SHE TURNED HIM A TIMES EVERY 10 MINUTES.
CYNDI LEARNED HOW FAST SHE COULD TAKE A BATH AND GET BACK IN THE ROOM WITH.
SHE NEVER LEFT HIS SIDE.
HE PASSED
AWAY 10/10/2006 TWENTY DAYS SHY OF HIS 18TH BIRDAY. MATT MADE THE
DECISION TO BE CREMATED, HE CHOSE HIS MUSIC HE WAS A TOWER OF STRENGTH
TO ALL AROUND HIM. AS HIS MOTHER SAID," SHE WATCHED HIM STRUGGLE TO BREATHE
WHEN HE WAS BORN TO BEAUTIFUL YOUNG MAN WHO STOPPED BREATHING. HIS SMILE
LIT UP THE WORLD AND HIS EYES SHOWED WHAT A STRONG AND COURAGEOUS
MAN HE WAS". HE NEVER DESERVED WHAT HE WENT THROUGH. GOD TOOK HIS HAND
- WE HAD TO PART.
HE EASED
YOUR PAIN, BUT BROKE OUR HEARTS. WE MISS YOU SWEET BABY
Like a graceful
butterfly you came into my heart..
Like a fawn
leaves prints in the fallen snow,,,you have left your
Footprints
all over memaws heart Matthew Scott Doucette memory of
10/30/88
Angel Day 10/10/2006
Grandma Susan
Lumpkin
Tom Dungy
Dungy Makes
Super Bowl Stop to Speak at Athletes in Action Breakfast DETROIT, Mich.
- They were there for breakfast, and they were there to cheer New York
Jets running back Curtis Martin. And it was Martin who received the Athletes
in Action Bart Starr Award Saturday morning, but the hundreds who gathered
in fourth-floor ballroom at the Marriott
Renaissance
in Detroit, Mich., on the morning before Super Bowl XL were clearly touched
by the featured speaker. That speaker was Colts Head Coach
Tony Dungy.
Sometimes,
pain is the only way that will turn us as kids back to the Father."
Finally, he
spoke of James. James Dungy, Tony Dungy's oldest son, died three
days before Christmas. As he did while delivering James' eulogy in December,
Dungy on Saturday spoke of him eloquently and steadily, speaking of lessons
learned and of the positives taken from experience. It was tough, and it
was very, very painful, but as painful as it was, there were some good
things that came out of it," Dungy said. Dungy spoke at the funeral of
regretting not hugging James the last time he saw him, on Thanksgiving
of last year. "I met a guy the next day after the funeral," Dungy said.
"He said, 'I was there. I heard you talking. I took off work today. I called
my son. I told him I was taking him to the movies. We're going to spend
some time and go to dinner.' That was a real, real blessing to me."
Dungy said
he has gotten many letters since James' death relaying similar messages.
"People heard what I said and said, 'Hey, you brought me a little closer
to my son,' or, 'You brought me a little closer to my daughter,''' Dungy
said. "That is a tremendous blessing."
Dungy also
said some of James' organs were donated through donors programs.
"We got a letter back two weeks ago that two people had received his corneas,
and now they can see,'' Dungy said. "That's been a tremendous blessing."
Dungy also
said he received a letter from a girl from the family's church in Tampa.
She had known James for many years, Dungy said. She went to the funeral
because she knew James. "When I saw what happened at funeral, and
your family and the celebration and how it was handled, that was the first
time I realized there had to be a God," Dungy said the girl wrote. "I accepted
Christ into my life and my life's been different since that day."
Added Dungy, "That was an awesome blessing, so all of those things kind
of made me realize what God's love is all about."
Dungy also
said he was asked often how he was able to return to the Colts so quickly
week later. Dungy said the answer was simple. "People asked me, 'How
did you recover so quickly?" Dungy said. "I'm not totally recovered. I
don't know that I ever will be. It's still very, very painful, but I was
able to come back because of something one of my good Christian friends
said to me after the funeral. "He said, 'You know James accepted Christ
into his heart, so you know he's in heaven, right?' I said, 'Right, I know
that.' He said, 'So, with all you know about heaven, if you had the power
to bring him back now, would you?' When I thought about it, I said, 'No,
I wouldn't. I would not want him back with what I know about heaven.'
"That's what helped me through the grieving process. Because of Christ's
spirit in me, I had that confidence that James is there, at peace with
the Lord, and I have the peace of mind in the midst of something that's
very, very painful. after James' death. James died on December 22, and
Dungy returned to the team one
