Forgiveness is one of the toughest issues to discuss.  Most of us have said the Lord's Prayer all our lives; many of us recite it every Sunday.  But do we really apply "we also forgive everyone who sins against us."  Many of us have lost children or other loved ones under violent or extremely ugly circumstances.  Let's look at some examples of theses.

The 6 year old daughter developed a tumor on her brain stem.  None of the doctors would even try to treat her.  The parents tried alternate medicines, which just caused her to swell up and she died an agonizing death.  The parents are angry with the doctors who wouldn't treat her plus they feel guilty because they think they caused her so much pain.  Can the parents forgive the doctors or themselves?

A teen is killed by a drunk driver on his way home from his high school prom.  The parents are angry with the drunk driver.  As Christians, must the parents forgive the drunken driver?

You encouraged your son to take a part time job at nights to help pay for college expenses.  One night, he fell asleep at the wheel of his car and dies in a crash.  Is it okay to feel guilt in the son's death?

The daughter became rebellious when a teenager & went into the world of drugs etc.  After much prayer & pleading the daughter came back to the Lord and tried to straighten her life out.  Then one the drug dealers murders her.  Can the parents ever forgive him?

The following is taken from Embracing Forgiveness written by Traci Mullins and is published by Women of Faith, Inc. through Zondervan, Grand Rapids, MI 49530:

"We've all heard the horror stories about hurting people who've been given advice by well-meaning but gravely misguided believers.

"I understand that he hit you last night, but God says you are to turn the other cheek and submit to your husband"

"Yes, you were abused, but that was over 20 years ago.  Get over it! Besides, he is your father, and the Bible says we're supposed to honor our parents."

"If you've really forgiven her, then forget what she did and carry on the relationship as before.  It doesn't matter whether or not she's sorry; the Bible says you are to love her and forgive her seventy times seven!"

Forgiveness means forgetting about the offense.

Forgiveness involves excusing the offender.

Forgiveness requires giving up the desire for vengeance.

Forgiveness is about freeing oneself from the past.

Forgiveness means "letting bygones be bygones."

Forgiveness requires accepting the offender just as he is.

Forgiveness results in reconciliation of a broken relationship 

~OUR FORGIVENESS IS FROM GOD~

It won't be easy to resolve any of this unless we ourselves have experienced forgiveness from God for our sins.  How do we get this forgiveness?  We acknowledge that we are sinners (Romans 3:23), repent of our offenses against God (Acts 20:21) and place our trust in Jesus (Romans 10: 9-10).  It sound simple doesn't it.  In my case, acknowledging that I was a sinner was tough; I didn't want to admit that I had told lies all my life, I had stolen, had lustful thoughts etc.  What a relief when I made peace with the God of the universe!

Wait a minute, you say!  "I understand what the Bible says about guilt and forgiveness, but I still have problems."  Gary Collins has some answers in his book Christian Counseling, published by Word Publishing in 1998.  On pages 144-145 he poses these problems:

I can't ask for forgiveness.  Usually this happens when we believe we earn God's favor by good works or that we pay for our sins by undergoing some punishment.  The Bible teaches that repentance and confession are all that we need to obtain God's forgiveness.

I don't feel forgiven.  If God has forgiven us because of our trust in Jesus, we are forgiven.  It's not a matter of feelings.  Jerry & I are married whether one of us doesn't feel like it some days.  Dr. Bob Jones II used to say he didn't feel saved until his 2nd cup of coffee.

There are two kinds of guilt: real and false.  False guilt is often associated with negative experiences, many times from childhood.  Some Christians have a low self-image, feel inadequate, suffer from depression etc.  They can't forgive themselves for some wrong they did or imagine they did.  False guilt can be as painful as true guilt.  For example, like feeling quilty you are alive after the loss of a child. 

Sometimes this includes our fellow Christians.  But the Bible lays out some guidelines for when a brother or sister offends us.  Matthew 18: 15-17 offers this counsel: "If your brother sins against you, go ahead and rebuke him in private.  If he listens to you, you have won your brother.  But if he won't listen, take one or two with you, so that by testimony of two or three witness every fact may be established.  If he pays no attention to them, tell the church.  But if he doesn't pay attention even to the church, let him be like an unbeliever...to you."  Notice that the whole point of all this is restoration of the bonds between you. 

I am indebted to Dr. Douglas K. Showalter for this section.  It's found as Forgiveness Forum (website:www.vsq.cape.com/~dougshow) on the Internet.  I'm paraphrasing some of the answers or adding my views.

1 ~ A Christian should always try to forgive and forget. No, it is important to be clear as to the exact nature of our injury and who was responsible.  Trying to pretend it didn't happen won't work.  It is important to remember so we can try to protect ourselves from being injured in the same way again.  We can forgive but choose not to repeat the past injury.

2 ~ A Christian should forgive even if the person who hurt them does not repent.  Yes, making our forgiveness dependent on another's repentance sets us up to be a victim more than once.  We're giving the one who injured us considerable power over our lives.  It's a choice we make ~ with God's help.

3 ~ A Christian should always be willing to be reunited with the person he/she forgives, as if the injury had never happened.  No, reconciliation takes two people - the forgiver & the injurer.  The injurer must accept responsibility for the injury.  For example, you choose to be reconciled with an ex-spouse, but choose not to re-enter marriage.  A person may forgive the drunk driver that killed their child but still have no contact with them.

4 ~ A Christian should try to forgive others quickly and completely.  No, forgiveness is a process of inner healing & cannot be rushed.  We need time to face & analyze the injury, looking for ways to rebuild any self-esteem, which the injury took from us.  Then we can make a  conscious decision that we no longer want to carry ill will.

5 ~ A Christian should abandon all ill will toward the person they forgive.  Yes, when we can wish them well we know that our ill will toward them is gone & then we know that we have truly forgiven.  Just remember there can be different levels of pain & some of these may come up later.

6 ~ A Christian should never hate those who wrong them.  Nope, rather than try to repress those negative feelings or wallow in guilt because of them, it's better to admit they exist.  Then we can strive to resolve them and move beyond them, in realistic and constructive ways, through forgiveness.

7 ~ Over time, A Christian's forgiveness of another will usually come about by itself.  No, without our making the choice to fogive, it doesn't happen - no matter how much time has gone by.

8 ~ To forgive completely, A Christian should try to make everything go back to the way it was before the injury.  No, even if this were possible, it may not always be desirable.  A woman may forgive a boyfriend for physically abusining her - assuming the abuse has stopped and she is safe.  However she choose not to be reunited with him.

1 ~ God has forgiven us, which is the ground of all our human forgiving. (Ephesians 4:32)

2 ~ Christ tells us to forgive those who wrog us (Luke 17:3)

3 ~ We should forgive for the sake of being reconciled with the person who wronged us (Luke 15: 11-32)

4 ~ For our own well-being and inner peace.

High levels of anger & hostility are associated with greater risk for heart dsease, poor immune responses, and even a propensity for obesity.  (Winifred Yu - www.rd.com)

When researchers at Duke University Medical Center studied 58 women and men with chronic lower back pain, they found those who practiced forgiveness experienced less anger, resentment, depression, aches...Forgiveness isn't a once-and-done act; it involves choosing again and again to replace anger and resentment with understanding; toward someone who had done your wrong.  (Susan Hayes - www.prevention.com)

In The Freedom Of Forgiveness, Dr. Charles Stanley (www.intouch.org) says that God makes the following promises to those who forgive:

1 ~ to heal our wounds - 1 Peter 5:10
2 ~ to take up our grievances - Romans 12:19
3 ~ to restore our joy ~ Psalm 30:5
4 ~ to honor our obedience ~ Mark 11:25

~QUESTIONS TO WORK THROUGH!~

Has someone ever withheld his forgiveness from me?  How did that affect me?

Whom do I need to forgive?  What is holding me back from offerig forgiveness?

What painful wrong have I been unable to forgive?

What will I do today about restoring a relationship with an important person in my life?

When someone apologizes, am I  quick to forgive?

For what kind of offenses am I not inclined to offer forgiveness?  Why?

If I need someone to forgive me, do I find it easy or difficult?  Do I ask anyway?

Am I holding on to some resentment or a grudge?  Am I willing to let go of it and forgive the person who has hurt me?

What failure of one of my parents is most difficult for me to face today?  Have I been unable or unwilling to fogive?  Why?  What do I think would happen if, by Christ's power, I forgave my mother or father today?

Why should I fogive?  Do I really have to?

Why do I need to accept Jesus' offer of forgiveness if I want to go to Heaven? (Romans 3:23)

Why do I continue to need forgiveness daily? (1 John 1:9)

~FINAL THOUGHTS~

DivorceCare ~ They now have a program for kids also.  Uses videos and group sessions to work through the pain of divorce.  To find a group near you, contact www.divorcecare.com

GirefShare ~ Another Christian based ministry that also uses videos and group discussions to help you work through the death of a loved one.  To find a nearby group, contact www.griefshare.com.  We are facilitating one at Hickory Grove Baptist Church-Main in Charlotte beginning Thursday, September 2 @ 7:30 PM in Room 205

Celebrate Recovery ~ A Christian based program to help recover from addictions & the problems these cause. www.celebraterecovery.com  There are 4 group meeting in Charlotte.

Alcoholics Anonymous ~ Thousands have found help from their addictions & its consequences through this program.  Many churches sponsor.  www.alcoholic-anonymous.org

Parents Of Murdered Children ~ www.pomc.com Is located throughout the States.  In Charlotte, we have Mothers Of Murdered Offspring.