Unfortunately,
the needs of the bereaved teenager have been sorely overlooked for decades.
In many grief recovery programs, support is often available for younger
children and adults, but there is a definite void in teen services. I have
seen this void throughout our country. Teenagers often give us mixed messages.
They tell us that they need and expect our help in providing them with
food and a nurturing environment but also tell us, on the other hand, that
they can run their lives on their own. Because people do not always know
how to respond to teens, they frequently back off, resulting in a teen
that is left to grieve alone or with very limited support.
WHAT MAKES
ADOLESCENT GRIEF DIFFERENT FROM THAT EXPERIENCED BY AN ADULT?
Adolescence is
perhaps one of the most difficult and confusing stages in life. It is a
time of change and with every change, comes a grieving process. As an example:
The teenager
who has a brother or sister move out of the house to get married or go
to school will have to adjust to life in the home without their sibling.
Meals and family events will not be spent together with the frequency of
the past.
Divorce in
a family will also bring about a grieving process as one parent leaves
the home. Children who have been abused or sexually molested will experience
the loss of innocence and control of their bodies a very painful grieving
process.
The dating
process, a very natural process in adolescence, also involves grief as
relationships build and then dissolve as they discover who they are and
what they want in life.
Death of a
pet. A pet is one of the few sources of unconditional love that life affords
us. We can tell a pet our secrets, and in most cases, the pet is always
glad to see us. Losing a pet can bring about profound grief in many children
and adults alike.
Abortion: Whether
we are in agreement or disagreement with the issues of abortion,
when it occurs, there is a very real loss that is experienced both by the
mother and father. This loss frequently comes back to the surface as other
pregnancies occur later on in life.
These are only
a few of the grief issues that a teen may experience as a natural part
of growing up. Add to these experiences the death of a loved one, and you
are likely to find a child who is terribly confused and in great pain.
EXPERIENCES
OF THE BEREAVED TEENAGER
Because grief
can be very complex and unique to every individual, we will address the
more frequent reactions of teenagers who are grieving.
SHOCK/DISBELIEF
Knowing, intellectually,
that someone has died does not always mean that the death seems real, especially
in the early days and weeks of bereavement. Many teens experience what
I call "automatic pilot": they function as usual but with a feeling that
"this really didn't happen." Teenagers, in particular, may show little
signs of grieving in the beginning. This numbness or form of denial is
an important coping mechanism and should be respected. in months to come,
the numbness will fade and they will need you more than ever. If the teenager
witnesses a traumatic death, this state of shock and disbelief could last
for months. Be prepared for signs of post-traumatic distress such as flashbacks,
nightmares, etc.
GUILT
Most people
who grieve experience some level of guilt. We put ourselves through the
If onlys: If only I could have prevented the death; If only I hadn't had
that argument; If only I had said "I love you." Arguments are a part of
family life, especially during adolescence. Because of this fact, teenagers
often experience extreme feelings of guilt or take on responsibility for
the death in some way. it is important that we do not try to "fix" their
grief Most teens simply need to tell you what they are feeling and, in
time, the guilt, with good support, can diminish.
UNUSUAL
HAPPENINGS
It is not at
all uncommon for a bereaved teenager to hear the voice of the deceased
or feel as though they see that person passing by or in a crowd. These
occurrences can be frightening unless there is someone around to let them
know that this is a natural part of the grieving process.
THOUGHTS
OF SUICIDE
It is not uncommon
for a teenager to have thoughts of suicide as a way of escaping pain or
joining their loved one. It is important that these thoughts can be shared
in a safe environment without the fear of judgment or panic from the person
who is listening. Wanting to escape the pain is a normal response. When
teens are made aware of the fact that these thoughts often accompany grief,
that can offer some relief. This subject should always be handled with
great care. If the teenager is describing to you a method of how they plan
to take their life, this is clearly a "red flag" and professional help
should be made available immediately.
SEXUAL ACTIVITY
It is not unusual
for a teenager to become sexually active during the grief process. If the
teen has lost a family member, frequently other family members will not
be available for them emotionally, because they, too, are in pain. The
need to be close to someone, both physically and emotionally, can be very
strong at this time and sexual activity can also serve as a distraction
from their pain.
DRUGS/ALCOHOL
When teens are
grieving, it is a very natural response to want to numb the pain - when
someone is drunk or high, they do not have to feel. Bereaved teens are
at high risk for involving themselves in self-destructive behavior. While
these drugs may temporarily numb the pain, they very clearly prolong and
complicate the grieving process. It is important to be open with the teenager
in this area without pointing a judgmental finger.
ANGER
When we have
been abandoned through death, anger can become very powerful. Many teens
have said 'I want to punch someone out" or "I want to destroy something."
It is important that teens be given healthy options in expressing their
anger. Some suggestions might include: screaming into a pillow; pounding
a mattress; ripping kleenex out of a box until it is empty; throwing ice
cubes at a wall or nearby tree. All of these expressions of anger release
the physical energy that words alone cannot. It is important to note, also,
that none of these expressions of anger will hurt the teenager or those
around him or her.
TEARS
Tears are a
natural and necessary part of grief. If you do not see the tears, do not
assume they are not there. Many teens will grieve privately, crying in
the shower, in their rooms or alone at the gravesite. If a teenager should
share their tears with you, be still, be quiet and listen don't try to
fix their pain.
HOW CAN YOU
HELP?
Every teenager
needs to grieve in their own time and in their own way. To try and speed
up the recovery process could be harmful. Listed below are some suggestions
for helping the bereaved teenager.
Ask to see
a picture of the person who has died. Let them tell you about this person
and why they were special. Have them share some special memories with you.
Let the teenager
tell you about their experience with the death; where they were when the
death occurred, what happened immediately afterwards and what are they
experiencing right now. Adults who avoid the subject or put on a front
may create an atmosphere of isolation and confusion. The teenager may assume
others really didn't love the deceased. They may also assume, because others
do not appear to be grieving, that there must be something wrong with them
- this can be very frightening. Let the teen tell you about any dreams
they have had regarding the death of their loved one. Dreams can be very
powerful and a listening ear can provide needed support.
Writing a letter
to the deceased can often provide an opportunity for the teenager to say
good-bye to their loved one. While this can be a painful exercise, it frequently
provides relief and a safe expression of feelings. Writing a letter to
someone they love who is still alive can also be helpful. Many times teens
will distance themselves from loved ones fearing that they could lose again
and it would be more pain than they could bare. This letter can help them
to reconnect with the important people in their lives.
Making a collage
can be a creative way of enhancing the healing process in grief Let the
teenager gather magazines and cut out words and pictures that remind them
of the deceased and place them on construction paper. When they complete
this project, they will find that they have told a story through their
collage. These collages become treasured items. Frequently they are placed
in a visible place in the home where people visiting will ask questions
about it, affording the teen the opportunity to talk about their loved
one without having to bring up the subject themselves.
Help the teenager
identify what they need during this time and encourage them to let others
know what they need. The common complaint of many bereaved is that people
don't seem to care and they are not around when you need them. Frequently
people are not around because they don't know what to do or say and they
back off for fear of creating more pain. If we don't tell people what we
need, we remain a victim and victims seldom heal.
Remember, even
though the teenager is striving for independence, he or she still needs
you! Your presence and the expression of genuine support will be a gift
they can carry with them for a lifetime.
TAG: Teen
Age Grief Inc.
P.O. Box 220034
Newhall, CA
91322-0034
Note: We swiped
this from Pat Mankle’s June 2006 Healing Hearts Newsletter –Part 1. This
is an e-mail newsletter; contact Pat at pmankle@comcast.net to be put on
her mailing list. We tried to contact Linda Cunningham or Teen Age Grief,
Inc but could not no matter how we tried.
