On
April 7, 2002, my brother Bill was killed in an automobile accident.
He was 38 years old when he died and I was 34 at the time. I can't
tell you how devastated I was to get the phone call from my parents and
how broken I was as I had to give him up. I thought he would be here
forever, to grow old along side of me, and to be here to help with my parents
as they got older. He not only was my brother ~ he was my friend.
Losing him was like losing a part of me. You expect grandparents
to die, but you never expect anything like this to happen especially not
to you. My life has forever changed because of this, and I too an
now an only child.
I'm learning
so much from this journey that I am now on that I would like to share some
of it with you. I have to tell you that I could have never made it
through this without God in my life. There are many days, even now,
where I have to ask Him to carry me through and He does. I still
miss Bill as much today as I did then, but I do know that this pain will
lessen in time. I also know and am conforted by the fact that I will
one day see him again in Heaven. I long for that day like never before,
but until then I know God has plans for me here. If for nothing else
than maybe to help someone else someday who is experiencing this same kind
of pain.
I recently
read an excellent book called, "Grief is a Family Affair" by Marilyn and
Matthew Heavilin. It dealt with a mother and son's perspective on
grief. As a sibling, so often we are left out of the grieving process.
So many people will ask as how our parents are doing, but they never think
to ask us how we are doing. It's as if we have no feelings, or as
if our grief is not real. I have experienced this quite a few times.
I can tell you that we are grieving just as much as our parents are, just
in a different way. So often, I want to say, "What about me?
Don't you want to know how I'm doing, or how I'm coping with this?"
One similarity
between parent grief and sibling grief is that we both want so desperately
to talk about our loved one. So many people avoid bringing it up
for fear that it may upset us or that we may break into tears. This
could very well happen , but there is healing in tears. If we never
talk about out loved one, then it's as if they never existed or were never
part of us. We need to share, but more importantly we need people
who genuinely care and will listen.
A few weeks
ago I was riding in the car and all of a sudden a tremendous grief came
ove me. For the first time since my brother died, I felt the pain
that my parent's must have felt. I can't explain it other than to
say that I know it came from God. It's as if for one brief moment
He allowed me to feel their pain. I knew they were hurting, but I
was so caught up in my own grief and survival mode that it left little
time to think about the depth of their pain.
Someone recently
asked me if I had ever been angry with God, and I can truly say that I
have not. I have, however, been angry with myself for missing him
so much. Also, at times, I have been angry with him for leaving me.
I know where he's at, and I also know that if given the chance he would
not want to come back.
There are so
many things, even now, that I wish I could say to him. I would tell
him I loved him a little more often, even though he knew that because we
always ended our conversation with "I love you." I would tell him
that he was a wonderful brother, and I was so blessed to have known him
and grown up with him all those years. I would also tell him that
I miss him, but I know his time here was through. Bill, you may be
gone from this earth, but you will always be in my heart.
