Each
year we try to share how others are handling their grief during the Holidays.
We ask most of you on our e-mail list to contribute ideas, poems, memories,
difficulties etc. Holdiays are difficult because they are family
time. How do you express your thankfulness to the Lord at Thanksgiving
when your child or loved one is not there? Can you still rejoice
in the birth of our Savior? We'll share with you what has been contributed
and then share ideas how to turn your time of sorrow into ways to honor
the memory of your loved one.
Written by
Carol Helmlinger of son Richie who died
December 15th
1990.
Taken from
Winter 2002 The Comforter Newsletter
Span-NC
1112 Askham
Drive
Cary NC 27511.
"This year
(1991) on Thanksgiving weekend I put the tree up for him. I decorated
it for him. I went through all the motions but it killed me inside.
He always put up the outside Christmas lights. For us, it wasn't
the same.
As I unpacked
Christmas ornaments he was everywhere. I had saved everything from
his childhood and I hung many things on the tree he had made for me as
a little boy. I hung up my favorite cut-out of a construction paper
Santa Claus he colored when he was in the first grade. I placed the
Yule log on the fireplace mantle he made for me when he was 13. I
even hung his stocking with the others. If I didn't put it up with
the other children's it would be like you weren't here anymore. I
have to keep you alive......."
Written by
Joan Dotson in honor of son Steven who died June 6, 1991.
"Our son Steven
will have a birthday October 20. He would have been 34 years old...I
try to imagine how Steven would look now and then I think: it doesn't really
matter because where he is he will have a new body and it doesn't age...now
I have such a peace when I think about him. He is one of the special
ones that God needed a little bit sooner than we wanted to give him up...There
isn't a day goes by that I don't think of him but I have to admit time
does make a difference. We never get over our loss but with God's
help we learn to go on and try to make a life without the one that is gone
from us. Through it all, I have to raise my hands to Heaven and say,
"God is Good!" He doesn't say we won't have to go through hard times
here on earth, but He does promies us that He will hold our hand through
them and I can say He keeps His promises...This is what God has done for
me since June 6, 1991."
Written by
Jo Ann Glim in honor of granddaughter Melissa
"October 15,
1995 was the day my granddaughter Melissa Lynn was born and died.
How joy could turn to sudden sorrow went beyond emotion to a voiding of
all sense and reason. What kept me centered in the days and weeks
and months to follow was my faith in God. I knew withoug a doubt
all life had purpose and meaning no matter how short lived. This
event set the direction for my life's work...
I made a vow
to Melissa and the other children and young adults whose lives have ended
all too soon that their voices would never be silenced. That was
the beginning of The Children's Memorial Walkway & Gardens project,
of which Our Children's Memorial Walkway in Charlotte NC is affiliated.
There is strength
and comfort in knowing you are not walking this path alone. Even
though we may have not met face-to-face, we have met heart-to-heart.
Our tears mingle and we remember. Our petitions pierce Heaven and
God truly understands our pain. He lost a Son."
Written by
Barbara Connell in memory of nephew Kevin Brewer
"This is your
first new year in Heaven, celebrating with our Heavenly Father and Jesus
Christ and all our loved ones who have passed on before you....This is
the first time in 23 years we are celebrating a New Year without you here
on earth with us....I know you are looking down on us from that wonderful
place, where one day we will see you again and you will be wishing us a
Happy New Year....We love you and miss you so much, but it is a wonderful
feeling to know you are in the place that nowhere on earth can compare
to....
We on earth
cannot totally understand why you had to be taken from us, but we know
you are the happiest you have ever been...When we cry and ask WHY? WHY?
WHY?, we have the reassurance that one day we will be with you for eternity.
Your loving
Aunt Barbara
Written by
Shari Kohne in memory of daughter Sarah who died Nov. 3
~INTO
GOD'S ARMS~
Into God's
arms we place you
Our sorrow
feels unbearable
Our tears
have formed a river
At the loss
of you, our precious child.
Oh, the times
we prayed for you,
That you would
even be.
Now you are,
and we cannot hold you,
Touch you,
rock you.
Our voices
sing the lullaby
But you are
not cradled in our arms.
The chair
rocks,
But we rock
alone.
Oh God, take
this pain and sorrow,
Fill us with
your love.
Cradle us
with your loving Spirit, Oh God!
Give us strength
to continue on.
Into God's
arms we place you
You will forever
and always be in our hearts.
Our tears
replaced by hope
For we say
goodbye for now
But soon,
in God's time,
Goodbye will
be hello.
"As you know,
it's hard putting your thoughts and feelings into writing. I wrote
the above poem after our daughter Sarah's death. My husband Paul
read the poem at her graveside service. Sarah's twin sister will
celebrate her 4th birthday on the 28th of this month. November 3rd
will mark the fourth anniversary of Sarah's death. Needless to say
this is a very bittersweet time of year.
Written by
Sharon Massey in honor of son Phil who died 3-27-2000
"I'm the writer,
Phil's the musician and camerman...25-year old Phil died 3 1/2 years ago.
But he still walks with me - some days more than others. Phil has
been performing his magic lately. He always was a unique guy - full
of surprises...I volunteered to be a writer for the Senior Citizen's Public
Access TV Program Project: Aging With Attitude...they encouraged everyone...to
take the full day workshop at CMPACC - the Charlotte Mecklenburg Public
Access TV station. In that one day they gave us the shorthand course
in TV program production - operating the cameras...as well as other bits
and pieces about the cameras themselves.
I started to
get calls from producers soon after the workshop. I told them I was
a stone beginner...I was complimented a few times on my camera work...it
encouraged me to keep trying - to center my shots, keep enough headroom.
When I got a comliment on one of the senior project location shoots, I
started wondering what was going on. I'm not a cameraman, I'm a writer.
Then it hit me. It's the Philster. He's at it again.
Somehow, his gift is filtering down to his Mom. Now we're both cameramen.
God bless you Phil - you surely are Mom's intercessor in Heaven."
Written by
Barbara Smith in honor of son Grant who died 6-26-96
"The first
several holidays were so painful, I sometimes wonder how Jack and I and
Justin survived them after Grant (our 7 year old) died. Justin was
13 on that first Christmas and he insisted we put up our tree. Justin's
grieivng was now our main concern so we did it although it was torture.
We knew we couldn't bear to be home that first year so we went to Charleston
for Christmas. We found out there is no escaping the pain; the only
way I could handle being out in the stores was after I decided that I would
do a "Grant" tree the following year. So every store I had to enter
became a search for ornaments that reminded us of Grant. Since then
our "Grant" tree in the living room is filled with ornaments of his favorite
things. One special ball has a precious note from Justin inside of
it."
~AN OFFER I
COULDN'T REFUSE~
I won't be
with you for Christmas;
But, I know
you will understand
For the invitation
I received
Was so remarkably
grand.
I was invited
to celebrate in Heaven
With my Savior,
the King of Kings,
And to live
with Him forever.
Imagine what
joy that brings!
Remember, I
always prided myself
On knowing
what was a good deal.
When this
offer came along
I could hardly
contain my zeal.
Of course,
tho I'll be with you in spirit,
I will miss
you, Tyler and the rest
Of my family
and my friends;
But, memories
of me will be blessed.
As you know,
I had missed Dad
For twenty-nine
of my thirty-six years.
Well, the
offer included being with him
In a place
where there is no sorrow or tears.
Someday you
can all join us here
And we will
share the glory I've found
In our eternal
Heavenly home
Where love
and blessings forever abound.
So, I knew
you would understand
That my transition
was good news
And you would
be happy for me
Getting this
offer I couldn't refuse.
Love always,
your son,
Andy
My son, Andy
Weaver, passed away on August 12, 2002.
This is the
letter I imagined he might have written this year.
Pat Langwell
Weaver
December 22,
2002
The following
is used by permission from Alice Wisler, who has an online grief support
newsletter called TRIBUTES. You can contact Alice at:
wisler@mindspring.com
~THE BEREAVED
PARENT BLUES~
"I got the
blues, I got the Bereaved Parent Blues.
I'm tired of
having to answer to "how many children do you have?
I'm tired
of getting pictures developed and never any new of you
I'm tired
of conversations about cold medication,
Band-Aids
and scraped knees.
I'm tired of
being tired
I've got the
blues, I got the Bereaved Parent Blues.
I'm tired of
wondering what you do every day in Heaven
I'm tired
of everyone growing older, everyone but you
I'm tired
of people saying how grateful they are that
nothing bad
has happened to them
I'm tired of
being tired
I've got the
blues, I got the Bereaved Parent Blue.
I'm tired of
buying pinwheels and balloons for the grave
I'm tired
of holiday music and your empty chair
I'm tired
of my old aching eyes watching your peers without you.
I'm tired of
being tired
I've got the
blues, I got the Bereaved Parent Blue.
I'm tired of
waking up from a night of crying
I'm tired
of listening to others deny grief and laugh at death
I'm tired
of never finding your socks under the bed
nor you hand
inside mine.
I'm tired of
being tired
I've got the
blues, I got the Bereaved Parent Blues."
Alice J. Wisler
~GETTING PAST
CHRISTMAS~
Ideas borrowed
from Charlene Vesper Eneroth
Who wrote
the full article after her first husband, Greg, died in 1982
1)
Buy a beautiful Christmas candle and light it each day through December.
It was my daily,
silent reminder of him and it made me feel so much better.
2)
Plan your shopping trips ahead of time or try creative alternatives.
Go early in
the day, before bumping into all those merry shoppers. Shopping by
mail is also an option. Perhaps you'd be most comfortable making
out a check for each one on your list. Exchanges are not required
with a check.
3)
Enlist the help of others in wrapping your gifts.
You supply
the paper, ribbon and tags.
4)
Consider changing your traditional family Christmas note.
You may feel
good getting to talk about your family tragedy. Feel free to include a
picture of your loved one and a copy of the obituary.
5)
Give yourself permission to change family traditions.
Talk over possible
changes with your family, asking for a new host/hostess this year.
Switch time for presents. It's also difficult to sit down at a decorated,
foo-laden feast, only to have your eye fall on the empty place now at your
table. Instead, turn your table into a buffet line. Another
option is making reservations out for dinner.
6)
Try a new idea when you are getting ready to hang up Christmas stockings.
Tell your family
that they can write a note to the person who is gone. Put each note
in their stocking , deciding to either read these cards together on a special
evening or just letting family take them out to read whenever they wish.
7)
Determine to do one special thing for someone else in December.
One grieving
family adopted a needy neighbor and spent three weeks gathering gifts and
goodies to leave at her door on Christmas Eve.
8)
Contribute to your favorite charity in your loved one's name.
When writing
a check, take time to jot a note that introduces the one in whose memory
the gift is given. Oh, it feels so good to share about this to special
family members.
9)
Pamper yourself this month.
Determine to
buy yourself a present. Don't wait until the 25th to open it but
pick a particularly tough day and let the present be your reward for getting
through it.
10) Plan
on taking time to cry.
It is normal
to cry during the holidays. Because it isn't healthy to hold back
emotions, schedule tear times into your day. Pick a certain length
of time to cry, ten minutes, maybe, or even an hour, whatever makes you
comfortable. You'll find it easier to face whatever else is coming
up in December when you've had your daily time for tears.
