A few months after our oldest son committed suicide, my wife said: "You don’t miss Jeff, do you?" I was stunned; how could she say such a thing? I missed Jeff deeply. Now I know she was saying that I didn’t grieve the same way she did.

Later after becoming involved in grief ministry, I began to explore how men and women grieve. We devoted a newsletter to this in 1998. so many people asked us to elaborate that we developed a seminar called How Men Handle Grief! Now that several years have gone by, let’s explore this again for updates.

Men’s brains and women’s brains are different in many ways. Generally the structure that connects the two hemispheres of the brain is larger in women than in men. This allows women to shift from one side to the other more readily and explains why she can focus on several things at once, for example, talking on the telephone while cooking and watching kids. Some believe this gives women a greater connection between her verbal capacity and her feelings, while men are less able to do this. It would also explain why a man can intensely focus or ‘go in his tunnel.’

In recent years it has been found that hormonal differences in the brains may play a part. Estrogen appears to contribute to the brain’s capacity for reading and may explain why women generally perform better in verbal language skills. At least one article in Scientific American magazine suggests that male hormones help men do better in math. What’s amazing is the finding that studies of unborn infants show that some sex differences in cognitive function are there from birth – they are NOT the result of cultural influences or hormonal changes associated with puberty. One doctor reported in 1999, that he had watched the movement of 56 fetuses in the womb and discovered that, overall, baby girls move their mouths more frequently and for longer than the boys.

This gives us clues as to why women are more verbal in grief whereas men ‘do something’ to express grief. While I’ve tried to simplify, I’m astonished at how modern science is finding great differences between men and women. Truly our God is the master of intelligent design.
 

I can remember how frustrating group therapy sessions were with my first wife. They would ask questions such as, "How do you feel about fixing lunch for your kids?" or "How do you feel about taking your wife to a doctor’s appointment? Every one of us guys would grit our teeth at these idiotic questions. We would just fix our kids lunch; that’s what we had to do – feelings didn’t have anything to do with it. Now it’s well known that group therapy is aimed at women.

· A man is expected to be confident and assertive. Not afraid, hesitant, anxious, insecure or sad

· A man is expected to be sufficient, know what he is doing, be rational. Not passive, bewildered, or in need of comfort or support
 
 

· "The Silent Treatment" – Men keep their feelings and thoughts bottled up, especially introverts. If you’re going to help him, ask, "How do you REALLY feel about it?"

· "Grieving Alone, Hiding Tears" – if a man cries in public, people are uncomfortable and want to stop him. Believing real men don’t cry costs us men dearly. It cuts us off from ourselves, others and God. 

· "Doing Something About It" – part of this drive to take action is our need to take back control when a loss occurs. Anger may spur the action, but this can be destructive: it can obscure a man’s thoughts and behavior so much that emotions such as sadness, despair or longing aren’t let out.

· "Cultural Acts of Grieving" – how men grieve is similar in many cultures. In Madagascar, men go to the ‘male hut’ and plan the funeral ritual. In Africa, Dagura men dance out the life of the person who died.

· "Avoidance and Fear" – we will do anything we can to avoid showing our fear or insecurities.
 

Tom Golden is the acknowledged expert on men’s grief. His "Swallowed By A Snake: The Gift of The Masculine Side of Healing" is regarded by many as the pioneer work in the study of men’s grief. If you do a website search on MEN IN GRIEF, articles by Tom or about him turn up frequently. Here are some of his observations (taken from many sources):

In one article he describes his feelings as he planted a tree in memory of his father: The tree has since been planted in an emotional ritual attended by myself and the six men who donated the tree. It became an avenue for all of us to delve into our interiors and connect with a variety of issues from fathers to death. The activity of buying, digging, planting and gathering together became a hub for a wide variety of spin-offs…Somehow having an activity made this process flow smoothly. It would have been much more difficult to simply sit in a circle and talk about our feelings. It was through the act of DOING that we could connect.

Men tend to link their grief with a place, action or thing, that is, ‘doing something’ in their memory. Some of the ways men have shown their grief are:
 

I wore my father’s watch for almost 15 years after he died. For my son Jeff, it was very important for me that he had a headstone on his grave. For my first wife Ruth, on what would have been our next wedding anniversary, I purchased some special china she always wanted, using it on special occasions and telling guests why I purchased it. 

Ladies, don’t expect your husbands to be outwardly emotional and talking to others about their feelings. We grieve, but we don’t grieve your way, we grieve ours! 
 

· Cahill, Larry, "His Brain, Her Brain" Scientific American, April 2005

· Gray, John, "Mars and Venus Starting Over: A Practical Guide for Finding Love Again After A Painful Breakup, Divorce or the Loss of A Loved One.", HarperCollins, 1998

· Golden, Thomas R. "Fixing A Hole/Grieving With Other Men"

· Golden, Thomas R. "Swallowed By A Snake: The Gift of the Masculine Side of Healing", Golden Healing Publishing, Kensington MD, 1996

· Kimura, Doreen, "Sex Differences In The Brain", Scientific American, May 2002

· LoCicero, Jack, "Coping Skills After the Death of A Child"  taken from the website of Hospice at Winston-Salem

· Wright, H. Norman & Oliver, Gary J., "How To Change Your Spouse (Without Ruining Your Marriage) Servant Publications, Ann Arbor MI, 1994

· Wright, H. Norman, What Men Want: Why Men Think, Feel & Act The Way They Do." Regal Books, Ventura CA 1996
 

~COPING WITH HOLIDAY GRIEF~

~LETTERS FROM GRIEVING FATHERS~

GRIEF SUPPORT INFORMATION PAGE INDEX