Grief for me as a man may not be any different than for a woman what may be different is the response from family and friends. The type of grief  I have leaves me with no hope for a better tomorrow while I am here and my son is gone. I don't want to feel better and I don't want to laugh but I do. I find comfort in my faith that Jesus Christ was born of a virgin and lived and died for me and everyone who is willing to believe. I know I will spend my eternal life with him and other loved one's.

I also find comfort in an " I Care " from someone a phone call or a card or a kind act. I was really disappointed in my friends and family at first but I have come to know they don't understand and a lot of them don't know what to do or say. I would often times sit in the dark with the phone hoping to hear it ring. I did not call anyone unless I just had to have someone to talk to. I did not want them to think I was over reacting ( some people do think it ) so I only called close family and friends. I find great comfort in the love of my wife . We very seldom bring it up we just know a hug or holding hands always brings comfort. We try to comfort each but it is too sad for us to talk about. I try not to show my pain and my grief at work or at church or to my family and friends I just wait till I am home and then I can sit and think and pray. I think people expect us to " be over it " and especially a man but I will never be over my son being gone I may feel better for a little while but I think I will always mourn and that is okay with me. My wife has written some poems over the last 4 years and I am going to share one.

I write this note and send letters to parents that I read about or hear about to try to help. God expects each of us to comfort others. 

 

~HEINZ HUBBERT~

On January 18th 2004 one day after my oldest daughters 19th birthday (I was on my way to the airport) she decided to take the car to school. She hit some ice debris that was left on the road from a previous accident that morning. My younger daughter of 16 years and a girlfriend of the same age decided to join her. In a curve that had a history of 19 previous car accidents they lost control and got side impacted. The two younger girls died on impact. My oldest one was flown by helicopter to Toronto. I was informed by two police officers about the accident. When the first officer approached me and asked me my name, he broke down in front of me and cried. At that time I know that at least one of my kids had died.  We were taken to the hospital and I was informed that my oldest child had a brain swelling that cut of the oxygen to her head. There was no chance of survival. So I had to make a decision the same night and took her off live support. When I entered the room and took her hand and she relaxed as if she was just waiting for me. But nothing could have been done to save her.. I was in shock for a good 4 weeks. Functioning like a robot and finally collapsing.

I was unable to show any emotions on the outside. But internally the pain was unbearable. I tried to join my children 3 times the same night that they died but it was not suppose to be. I remember the cops chasing me down the street. I was looking for a bus or other vehicle to throw myself under. At the time of the accident I was just beginning a new relationship with a wonderful strong woman that supported me in any way possible. However she never had children and therefore could not understand what I was going through. I could not listen to music anymore or watching TV. I was unable to see a movie. I was and even today only exist but do not live anymore. I had this huge dumpling in my stomach. While I was withdrawing from everything and everybody, I finally decided to do something. During the first weeks I was feeling like I was sucked in to a hole and could not climb out of it.

So I took a year off work and rode my motorcycle from one side of the country to the other. I tried to run but could not hide after a couple of days the pain caught up to me and I filled my helmet so many times with tears that I stopped counting. Every time I looked at other families I started to cry. Even today after the pain has changed its face so many times, the intensity is still there. During my travel I was exposed to a lot of situations in a way that I became spiritual.

I learned that we (mothers as well as fathers) had received a gift out of our punishment. We can do something. We have a better understanding about the importance of live and the problems of others. Today with the help of friends and the community, I build a bakery school for children and adults. The time I have spent as a single parent with my children have provided me with the best memories of my life. After their mother left us we became so close that other parents envied us about or relationship. I had become not only closer as a father also a friend they did confide in. One of my highlights was being invited to the girl’s nights with their friends. It is two years now and my life is still as empty as it was the first day they left this earth. Just before they died they gave me a CD as a present. It was a song by Martina Mc Bride" In my daughter’s eyes".

It took me one and a halve years to be able to talk about it and 2 years to be able to write about my situation .My feelings went from hating God at the beginning to seeing God in a totally different light today. We all have to walk our path in our own way and have to interpret the signs that we receive in our own individual understandings.  I hope my story will be interesting enough for others to read.
 

Somewhere along the line, we men were taught verbally or by example, that men don’t cry. That works well sometimes. In the middle of a crisis (think D-Day, 9-11, etc.), men are expected to stuff their feelings and get the job done. But what about losing a child? Should a father stoically stuff his emotions, refuse to let the grief feelings flow, refuse to cry? A good example of a manly man in the Old Testament is David. With God’s help, David killed a bear, a lion, and a giant over nine feet tall. David was a brave warrior, a manly man. And yet, when given the news of his son, Absalom’s death, we read in ll Samuel 18:32-33:

And the king said unto Cushi, Is the young man Absalom safe? And Cushi answered, The enemies of my lord the king, and all that rise against thee to do thee hurt, be as the young man is. And the king was much moved, and went up to the chamber over the gate, and wept; and as he went, thus he said, O  my son Absalom! Would God I had died for thee O Absalom, my son, my son!
Being human, male or female, means having emotions. It’s one of the things that sets us apart from the animal kingdom. It’s very unhealthy for men to suppress strong feelings of grief. Fathers need to realize that it’s very appropriate and right for them to feel and express their feelings of grief. And, yes, that even means crying when those strong emotions come.

For years I tried to "handle" my nicotine addiction by going to support groups, etc., and taking all of the stop smoking medications, I did the same thing with my alcoholism to no avail. The solution for me was and is Surrender. The smoking, drinking, and the loss of my only precious son Bill were too big for me to "Handle". I could not then, nor can I now, so I gave it all to Him, by Him I mean God. I have not had a cigarette since March 5, 1997 and I smoked 3 and a half packs a day. I have not had a drop of alcohol since February 23, 2000 and I drank constantly. I have Peace that Bill is with God and other loved ones, and that I will be with him for eternity, so why should I sorrow as those whom have no hope? Do I miss him? Yes, every day, would he want me to wallow in it? No. More than that, I do not know, but I do know Peace. Bill loved to laugh and to bring laughter to others, I do that now, and I'm Thankful. Hope this helps. God Bless you all, and I Love You all.
 

My name is Dave Reid. We live here the wife and I in Defuniak Springs Florida. We moved here in Dec. of 2003. We thought that it was best for my disability and health reasons for my wife.

Pam was only fifteen at the time. And Daddy helped her get her license at sixteen. At seventeen she was going to Virginia with her boyfriend and his Grandmother to visit some of his family for a couple of weeks. They had his little sister with them also.

Any how they were not but an hour away and we got this call. It was the State police and Kris Pam's boyfriend.

The grandmother was driving and she lost control of the car. Pam was thrown seventy-five feet from the car.

When we got to the hospital the doctors told us there was no hope because of the severity of the head trauma. They did say that we could make her an organ donor. So with our preacher there that is what we had decided.

I am a 100% disabled veteran. I am rated at 30% PTSD.I have quit smoking a year before we lost Pam. I quit drinking back in 77. I know I have every reason if I want to use it as an excuse to go back to either or both. I put it all in Gods hands and asked him to give me the strength.
Yes, we have our bad days. But this picture of the waterfalls is one reason why we are still going on.

You see these Falls are up in New Hampshire where we came from. Pam loved going to them falls every chance she had only because she loved them. Our next to oldest daughter Sue took this picture this past fall. If you notice in the middle there are leaves hanging over the falls in the shape of a kiss. I have this picture as my background on my PC. I see it every morning. One day just a couple of days after putting it on my PC. It whispered Daddy take me home. So our house is on the market down here and we are moving back to New Hampshire. We are going to sprinkle some of Pam's ashes at the falls. And name it Pam's Falls.

We are hoping to have a little more closure once we get back up there.  I am dealing with our loss day by day. We put it in the Lords hands.  If anybody has any questions feel free to ask me anything. I will cry with you. I will hold your hand. I will lend you my shoulder.  If it weren't for people like you and another group called Compassionate friends and God. I would not be writing this today.
 

The step-parent will experience and will have to deal with many of the same issues the spouse encounters throughout the bereavement process, e.g., dealing with siblings, other family members, circle of friends, neighbors, and co-workers.  Marital stress will be encountered as the spouse and the step-parent jointly grapple with all the issues that will lead to major changes in their lives.  The dynamics of the spousal relationship through the bereavement process is made much more difficult if the spouse is unable to realize that the step-parent also grieves.

Step-mothers will experience added complexities along the grief journey as they encounter the former spouse who may (will) interject herself into prior family relationships.  A step-mother who attended a prior annual conference discussed her circumstances in these regards during a sharing session for step-parents. 

The second major thing I learned was that my wife’s behavior following Lauren’s death was very similar to other bereaved mothers who were confronted with the tragic loss of their child.  It was not until I was able to hear and to discuss many of the issues and life experiences with other newly, as well as longer term bereaved parents, during monthly TCF meetings and annual conferences that I became more aware of the factors impacting us as we established a new normal in our lives.

(Note: Ralph & Donna Goodrich are leaders of the newly re-formed The Compassionate Friends of Charlotte. They meet the 3rd Tuesday of every month at St. Matthew Catholic Church, Room #203, 8015 Ballantyne Commons Parkway. (iluvu2lauren@earthlink.net) 704-882-4503)
 

~MEN IN GRIEF~

~THE HORRIBLE SECOND YEAR~

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