Jerry
sent this by e-mail: Ladies, I would like to do a section in our next newsletter
on "Going through the second year" I have had some mothers ask me why I
did not let them know that the second year is harder than the first in
dealing with the loss of a child. I would love to know your thoughts on
whether the 1st year was harder for you or the second. I know that
in my case since my sons died suddenly. I was in shock for nine months.
Then it really hit me that they were not coming home ever and I had a hard
time even seeing other family members with their kids. Can you help me
and share with others who may just be going through that second year? What
helped you or how hard was it for you. Thank you and blessings from a fellow
traveler.
We’ve been
amazed at the number of replies, not only from bereaved mothers, but also
from bereaved fathers, widows etc. Hopefully as you read others experiences
during their "2nd Year", you will see similarities to your grief.
Jean Burr lost her husband, Leo
Dear Jerry: Good morning! I just
wanted to let you know you were right. I am having some difficulties in
this year of the grief. I was thinking about it last night
as I seem to get by on a few hours sleep as before long ago. I started
thinking about what we were learning at GriefShare about grieving harder
the second year. I think I have been having problems. It seems I
like to email people and stuff online late and then when I do get off I
cry. But it doesn't last long.
This is the way it was after
Leo passed away. I didn't care if the house was picked up. I didn't care
if I went to bed. I went to sleep around 3 and got up at 7:25 because I
like to watch Joyce Meyer in the morning. and this was today. 3 am that
is or later. The bed is crumpled and I take my own pillow and sleep
crooked until I told myself I should straighten myself out at least.
I remember also I was close to the edge of the bed on the opposite side.
Same as before. I crumple my pillow and sob myself to sleep.
I like to go go go.
Sleep less and less.
David & Cece Reid lost their
daughter Pam: 4/9/89-7/7/05
From Dave: Hey I'm taking a little
offense to this very selfish question. I'm a Dad that has just as great
a loss as my wife. Yes, I know that she (My Wife) carried her for nine
months. But this is a two way street is it not? Look I know that there
are a lot of fathers that use the blame game. And a lot of them end up
in a divorce because that is there escape. I'm in this for the long haul.
The only thing that takes me out is death. I am going through my own struggles
with the loss of our daughter.
Now as for the second year. I
really think this is the hardest only because we have decided to move back
to New Hampshire. And this darn house is not selling fast enough for either
one of us. We are hoping to have a little more closure by getting back
with family and having burial services.
I'm very sorry for this taking
offense to the start of your letter. Maybe if you had said Parents what
is the second year like? A Dad that’s in it for the long haul…. Our first
year we were trying to pull ourself's together. We or I figured that if
we were to pick up and go back to New Hampshire we would be leaving our
Pam behind. So we muttled through. And I got this picture this fall from
one of our other daughters
of the waterfalls that Pam loved
to go to. It was then that I realized I was fooling myself. And that we
should if my wife wanted to move back to New Hampshire.
I asked and she said that that
is just what she wanted all along. So we have put this house on the market.
And it has been nothing but a waiting game. Frustrating is mild to what
we are putting ourself's through.
We have our ups and downs. There
are times I still think Ce feels as though she is the only one that's lost
a child. She keeps to herself an awful lot. I ask her if she wants to talk
about it and she shuts me out. And other times we are able to talk about
Pam. When we do I really enjoy it. I am the one that still gets up early
to get her (Pam) off to school. And I just end up getting my newspaper
and read it and drink my coffee. Then I come down here on my computer with
a picture of Pam right next to it. I talk to Pam and I have my daily cry.
That is my quality time with Pam.
You see Jerry I have put it all
in Gods hands. I asked God a year before we lost Pam to help me quit smoking.
Feb.15th was my third year smoke free. After we lost Pam I asked again
to give me the strength to keep from smoking and not to take up drinking.
God has given me that strength.
I try to reach out to as many
as I can parents that lost a child. I want to help them. And in turn it
is helping me. Take Donna from Louisiana that lost her son one year to
the day that we lost Pam. I put her in touch with you because I know she
needs your help. The last time I heard from her was Mother’s Day thanking
me for the card I E-mailed her. Any how As long as I have friends
like yourself and Compassionate Friends I will be taking it one day at
a time.
From Cece: As you know we lost
our daughter to a bad car accident on 7/7/05. The first year
was like living a horrible nightmare everyday. I blamed myself for letting
her go on the trip with her fiancée and also wished I had listened
to her when she adamantly did not want to move here in the first place.
I constantly find myself asking,"Would she still be here had we not moved?"
As well as asking the Lord "WHY"?
She was only 17 and had so much to give the world. But who am I to question
the Lord for the things he does? I do however believe that from the moment
we are born the Lord knows exactly how many hairs on our heads and has
set each and everyone of our lives for us. Now as to how we live it is
our choice. Pam lived hers to the max. She was the most giving, caring
person and could definitely be depended on when it came to helping her
friends and family. She knew more people than I do and there is not one
that has a bad thing to say about her. I do thank the Lord though
for the continuation of her fiancée and closest friends, as they
continued to hang at our house even after the accident. It helped keep
the empty nest feeling away for the most part. But the emptiness in my
heart no one can ever fill, no matter how kind or how much love they give.
A very big part of my life was killed along with Pam. I went through a
period of time when I would pray that I wouldn't wake up the next day,
and I don't know when, but realized this is not what Pam would want.
I wanted to return to New Hampshire
right after we lost Pam. I wanted to take her home. She had always
said that once she was done school she was going to live back up north.
Pam lived life like everyday was her last. She experienced a lot
of life in the three years she was her in Florida. But Dad wanted to stay
here as he felt he would be leaving her behind. Plus he felt the need to
get to know some of the recipients of Pam's organs. I honestly didn't want
to know any of them, but did get close to the lady who had her liver ,only
to end up losing her a year later. It was hard for me at her funeral.
Special days, like her birthday,
we still celebrate. Mother's Day is all but hated by me now. It will never
be the same again. Pam use to be the first that morning to jump on
my bed and say "HAPPY MOTHER"S DAY, MAMA and then she would get me
one yellow rose and the two of us would go out to Chinese. She made sure
the cards she got were so special. Nothing is nor ever will be the
same again for us. Although we have other children and grands we love dearly
but they can never replace Pam. You see Pam was David's and my only child.
The other siblings were from our former marriages.
It wasn't until the day
of the first anniversary of her death that it hit me, like coming out of
a coma, that she was truly gone and would not be coming home again.
I became bitter at that point. I hate Florida, but more so
I detest the woman that was driving that car that Pam was in that day.
The woman knew she was told to cancel the trip as her health was bad, but
out of pure ignorance and stupidity she took Pam, her grandson and
grand daughter and went anyhow. She keeps apologizing everytime she
sees me for what happened , but this will not change how I feel about
this woman. I have asked the Lord to forgive me for the way I feel towards
her , but to her face I never will. The saddest part is they still
let her drive. If she should drop dead tomorrow I would not shed a tear.
In the meantime, I get up everyday
and do what needs to be done and seem to just exist. You see I guess
I made the mistake of placing too many dreams and instilling in Pam the
joys, beauty and hopes of what I wanted her to be, and in all fairness
she was just that person in the end too. She learned our lessons
and ways well. She was a veteran along with her Dad, she was my best and
closest friend and she loved life in general. I miss her so much and am
truly ready when the Lord wants me to go home to Heaven and be with her
forever. I will take care and love and nurture my remaining family and
do what I think the Lord would want me to do. I will not try and do anything
foolish or stupid.
The reality of what happened
sets in for me during the second year. It doesn't make sense. We
have been told by so many that it gets easier each year that goes by, well
in my opinion, that is a big bunch of bull. There are no words or actions
that can change what has happened to our family, but we will go on with
our lives as Pam would want us to enjoy each and everyday to the fullest,
so therefore I will do my best to please her and keep her wishes for the
rest of my life.
~ Lynda Simmons~
In Loving Memory of my beautiful
son~Brian Eddie Colletti
8/2/79~7/25/04
The second year is truly a difficult
year. It doesn’t seem fair that after enduring a whole year of grief
and missing your loved one that the following year would be even worse!
But then if I have learned anything at all it is that there is nothing
fair about life!
I would consider myself a survivor.
I have survived many things in my life. In the beginning I did not
think I would survive losing my child. In fact, I didn’t even want
to survive! However God had another plan and through his grace and
with his strength I am surviving one day at a time. I now experience
days where I am truly grateful to be a survivor, and then there are days
when I feel as though I am cursed to be a survivor! The truth is
I am blessed that God loves me enough to care for me, to provide me with
the comfort I need and to help me to be a survivor.
I realize now that the first
year was about staying alive. Simply getting from one day to the
next, many times from one hour to the next. This was the beginning
of the process of coming to terms with the reality of my life. It
takes a very long time to become willing to face what you want to deny.
To turn towards reality and feel the sting as it slaps you in your face
and seeps into your soul is a very painful ordeal. God knew this
and he was gracious enough to act as a filter for my pain. He allowed
the truth to come slowly so he could first have the time he needed to make
me stronger in order to begin to accept it. At first the pain was
so great that it completely numbed me. I call that God’s Valium.
Today I know that if God had not been taking care of me I would have never
gotten through those first days and months.
The second year was so hard.
I had to retreat from life and just be in God’s presence because I really
didn’t know what to do with the pain. It was becoming more and more
obvious to me that Brian really was not coming back. There was nothing
I could do to change what happened. I had to really look at the fact
that IT IS WHAT IT IS. I was wore out from begging, praying and wishing
there was something I could do to change it, just figure out how to go
back in time. The harsh reality that in some cases there just aren’t
any do-overs brought me to my knees on many occasions.
My questions of why were changing
to how. How am I supposed to keep on living without my beautiful
son? How could God expect me to do that? How am I going to
do that? I had decided that the why did not matter anymore, that
even if God came down himself and told me why these things happen it would
have never been good enough. I would never be satisfied with any
answer because I simply wanted my son back. So I moved into the how
of my journey. I really didn’t know how I was going to do this ‘life’
thing. I had zero answers and felt so confused at this point.
The only thing that kept me going were the little graces that God had already
given me. It occurred to me that I got to this point somehow.
I remembered how I experienced those moments of peace in the midst of the
greatest pain I will ever endure. I instinctively understood that
had to come from God, peace and pain were not meant to co-exist.
I was forced to draw nearer to the Lord. My other options were very
limited… I could choose to take my own life, I could take it out
on the world around me and let bitterness and anger fill me or I could
trust God to continue to embrace me. I chose God. Often in
a reluctant manner, but I looked to him nonetheless. However I would
like to note that some have chosen the other options and I totally understand
how that can happen. I pray for those who struggle to allow God to
help them and I try to share with others that he truly is the great comforter!
I always want to encourage people to hold on and hang on, that God will
bring you through it. I had to decide each day that I was going to
live and then give my life to the Lord. I had little energy to do
much else as well as little desire.
I am coming up on the third anniversary
of my son’s death. For me, this past year was not as hard as the
last year. I think the second year really was the toughest.
The more I give in to my grief and let it pour out of me the better off
I am. I still find myself trying to avoid the pain when I feel it
start to surface but I’m learning that when I finally surrender to it and
let the tears flow I am so much better afterwards. It truly is a
cleansing of the soul. I recognize that grief is not really my enemy,
it helps me see what really matters in my life… Life matters and
by living my life the best that I can and doing my best to be of service
to God I am honoring not only God but my son too. When I acknowledge
that life is a gift I am reminded of the precious gift God entrusted to
me; my son, I acknowledge that his life mattered and so does mine…
May God keep you in his loving
grace and fill you with his merciful peace
Joan Dotson, the mother of Steven
Dotson : 10/20/69 – 6/7/91
Jerry it has been 16 years for
me now but I do remember that the second year was the hardest. I
remember thinking how could this year be harder than the first. I think
it was the second year that we did "adopt a highway" in memory of Steve.
We cleaned it about twice a year. It was out on Highway 27 which was not
far from where we lived. Just seeing the sign up with his name on
it helped. I think my advice to others would be do whatever you feel
you have to do to get through. Don't worry about what other people
might think. I think our main concern is that our loved one not be
forgotten, and anything we can do to keep that memory alive helps.
I also had some ball point pens made with his name, birthday and death
day on them and gave them to family, friends and even cashiers in the store
when I wrote a check. I shared with them that my son had passed away.
It helped me each time I did that and I also got to share what God was
doing for me and how everything he had promised He would do in His word
He had done for me. At the beginning of the third year when I went in for
my job review for the year, my supervisor said you are doing better now
aren't you? I realized that I was doing better and did not realize
that people that I worked with could see what a hard time I went through
that second year. She said she could see a difference in me.
I think it was because I had finally learned to leave him in Heaven with
God and to quit bring him back down here in my memory and tormenting myself.
After that I got a peace that I can't explain. I could finally smile
again knowing that he was safe with my Lord and I would see him again in
another time and another place. I don't mean for this to sound easy
because it sure wasn't and my Love and Prayers go out to each one that
is faced with having to let go of a child. Whether it is in death
or just letting them grow up and become their own person, we know it is
hard to let go. I hope this will help someone. Also find someone
that lets you talk about your child, because by the second year people
become uneasy when you mention them and they quit mentioning them.
Eva Wood’s son, Ray, was murdered
11/29/05
Yes I feel that the second year
is as hard or harder than the first. It has finally sank in that he is
not going to be coming home to visit or just call and say Mommy I love
you. The holidays are really hard to go through. Mother’s day for me was
one of the hardest yet. Even though I knew in my mind that he was not going
to be here I still looked for him. The other mothers had their children
and grandchildren with them and I was unable to have either. It took a
lot of prayer and keeping busy to get through the day. I know that I have
to take one day at a time that is the only way I can get through it. The
Lord has blessed me with a lot of good friends who stand by me and are
there for me but the greatest blessing is my husband he lifts me up when
I am down. The Lord said He would not give us more than we can bare but
at times it gets really rough. But I have a church family that really loves
me and lifts me up daily in prayer. The second year is rough but for me
I also know that the third year will be as rough or rougher on me because
of the three trials I am going to have to set through. I know that Ray
is happy up in Heaven and I know that I will see him again someday so by
the help and grace of God I will keep on keeping on and helping other mothers
as I can. I have some friends who are going through the loss of their children
some to drug overdoses and some to medical problems. I am willing at anytime
to listen to them and help them through it. Sometimes you just need someone
to listen, sometimes cry with you and someone to laugh with you, talk about
the good time and things that they have done. This brings them close to
you and you can not dwell on the negative you have to think and be positive.
Donna Duncan, Mom of Bryan Michael
Richards Ober Duncan
08/25/1980 – 07/07/2006
I am soon at the end of my first
year and only starting my second year. I know my response probably won’t
apply but I wanted to share a few things I found out about the first year
and how they may make it better or worse for the second.
1. You will never cry so many tears in your life. And you are amazed that
there are still more.
2. That all your dreams and desires can be gone in an instant and at the
beginning of the second year you still very possibly have no dreams still.
3. You learn a lot about God that you positively had no clue about.
4. That those you thought you could count on are not going to support you
or be there for you or even mention your child’s name. This is a great
disappointment.
5. People you have never met become your dearest friends because they walk
the miles ahead of you. They know that after a year you are not through
it or over it. They understand that crying everyday still is a norm.
6. There is no normal. And who you were no longer exist. At this point
you are still trying to figure out who you are. And no body can see the
turmoil in your life because we have become better at hiding our pain.
By Mindy Runyon
I lost my twins, Nicholas and
Brittany, December 7, 1999, due to GBS infection and PROM at 21 weeks.
Today is my nephew Tylor's birth and death day, he was born this day in
1997 at 28 weeks due to his cord wrapped around his neck, killing him.
My BIL and SIL have moved several hours away, so I went out with my two
little ones and removed weeds from his grave and took a few pictures to
send to Liz. I know she would have wanted to be here. Even
after all these years, it still tears at our hearts to have these little
ones that we never had the privilege to get to know.
I know how your friend in Maryland
feels. When we first lost our twins, it felt like we were the only
ones in the universe it had happened to, and after several months I found
a GriefShare group at a local church. Although it was general, Christ
based support, it wasn't the same as losing a child. I was the only
one there that lost a child. After a year, there was another mother
join who lost her baby during delivery--probably cord compression, but
one of those things you'll never know for sure. She knew of another
mother who had had her third lost baby the same day she did, so we carpooled
to Vegas for an infant support group. One hundred miles, each way,
and with Arizona not changing time zones, it meant getting home after 1
am and having to get up for work less than four hours later. But
we did it because that's where the support was.
My experience with MISS was wonderful,
and accidental. The hospital where I delivered filed the babies as
live births somehow, and we got "welcome baby" cards in February 2000,
advising us to make sure our children were protected from diseases and
got their baby shots. I went somewhat ballistic, and over the coming
months got to know people in the Governor's office and the vital statistics
office. That person in that office, I cannot remember her name, asked
if she could give my name to Joanne Cacciatore. I agreed, and that's
where that relationship began. I received their newsletters, and
became a phone contact, although they withdrew that when I didn't form
an in person support group in the area. (over the years since we
lost the twins, my husband has been suicidal and has generally thrown away
his wife, me, and our two children; we have moved across the country to
be nearer to HIS family so that we can have some support). I wasn't
in a position to start a group, but another loss mom who lost her baby
in November of 2004, formed one at our church, and I backed her and her
husband up as much as possible. She tried to raise money to keep
me in Arizona at one time :*). MISS has been a good support, I was
able to get a scholarship and attend one of their conferences, ironically
while pregnant with my last child. Their information is extensive
and wonderful. I can't praise them enough. I wish I had lived
closer to the greater Phoenix area, as if it weren't a 250 mile drive each
way I would have loved to attended and/or helped run a group with them.
Jan lost her son to suicide
Grief isn’t a nice sequential
package that one travels along with and it is unique to each individual.
The second year may not be hard for some people. For
me, each year seemed to have its own moments and degrees of hardness, and
each was different from the previous years because different situations
had to be faced. The second year just seemed harder because the reality
of permanence was setting in, most friends and family had returned to their
normal lives, while we were still adjusting to our new normal. The number
of painful moments decrease and/or have less sting as the years pass.
What people need to know is that there may be brief passing moments of
tears even years later and it is normal.
Frances Leonard’s son, Germaine,
was murdered
Indeed it was hard the first
year for me, and much harder the second year, I found myself reading a
lot of material by authors who had suffered a death of a child. One I will
never forget is Roses in December, cant remember the author's name right
now but do know that her book helped me realize that if she survived the
loss of both her children (same as you), then there was hope for me. My
support group Compassionate Friends also was a big help. I found myself
getting very involved with the group, by doing the newsletter, being a
telephone buddy, and attending conventions. I simply buried myself in helping
those parents who was experiencing the loss for the first year. I never
changed anything as far as Germaine was concerned. I still put out his
Christmas stocking.
Mari Beyer lost her son, Chuckie
7/24/05
For me, the first year was the
worst. I had to make it through the First Thanksgiving, First Christmas
, his first birthday, Easter, anniversary date, etc, all the "firsts" without
my son, Chuckie. After getting through each of those "firsts", I
learned it is possible to keep on living. But the year was one of shock,
anger, sadness and disbelief. Every morning when I woke up, my first thought
was,"Oh my God, my son is dead".
Friends and family are more sympathetic
the first year. In the second year most believe it is time for us
to be moving on with our lives. My sister has written and said, "I
hope you are healing". She doesn't know I will never heal.
A good friend just said to me
how lucky I was that I still had 2 other kids. Losing one child, regardless
of how many other kids I might have, does not make me lucky. Only
those of us who are unfortunate enough to lose a child, know that the pain
NEVER ends! We just learn to live with it. So I suppose that during
this second year, I have learned better how to live with this pain and
my ever-present sadness. But realizing that I have to live the rest of
my life without my precious Chuckie, is overwhelming to me.
Judy NuHavun lost her daughter,
Emily, in a car crash
Yes, my second year was very
difficult. The first year it seemed that we took such good care of ourselves
and everyone was so kind that it went by so quickly. The second year just
loomed and hurt very much. I also felt my relationship with the Lord really
struggling. God was very faithful, however, and did some things which lifted
us up.
I don't really have alot of advice
other than to keep pressing in to Him and reach out to others. I'm sure
you can attest to the fact that helping others who are grieving the loss
of their child takes your focus off of your own pain and helps you cope.
Thanks for the continual love
you show everyone!
