It’s been 3 years…doesn’t seem like it at all. It seems like our daughter passed away only recently. The pain is still there..just as strong. It doesn’t go away. But, God helps us learn to live with the pain, doesn’t He? I am beginning to learn to go on without her. So much has happened since I wrote last. Tia’s oldest child, Brandi, is living with us now. She’s 9 years old and looks, acts, laughs just like Tia did at her age. It was very bitter-sweet to have her here in the beginning. I would take double-takes and become teary when I saw so much of Tia in her. Now it is more of a blessing. We are truly enjoying her and she has adjusted well. Tia’s other two children have finally arrived here from Egypt after having been taken there by their father two years ago. 

We don’t know what God will bring to us in our future. But, I do know that whatever He brings us, He will be with us to carry us through. I don’t know how anyone can go through the pain of losing a child without the faith in knowing where that child is right now. Knowing Tia is with Jesus and living a glorious life in heaven is what keeps me going. I know we will all see our children again. Our time is so short here on earth. We must make our days count. When I first lost Tia, I wanted to die too. Even though I had family here, my desires were to be with the one I lost. Doesn’t make much sense now, but I’m sure I’m not the only one who has had these feelings after such a loss. But, now I know I can wait because I know she is there waiting for me and my life here on earth is precious with those who are still here with me. God has helped me make it through the pain and although I still cry from time to time, I know its ok. Grief will be with me. Its part of my life and part of little Brandi’s life. 

If there is anything I could say to help someone who is new to this grief, I would say "Trust in the Lord with all your soul. He will never leave you nor forsake you. He is carrying you and you will make it through this. Don’t give up. Allow yourself to grieve. It is ok to cry". I believe my most difficult part of grieving was to allow myself to cry around others. We all grieve differently. I am one of those who aren’t comfortable crying in front of others. I avoided church and groups of people because I was afraid to be caught crying. We all know that we can’t control our grieving sometimes. In the most inopportune moments I would suddenly fall apart and start crying and have to excuse myself from a room.  I know I make them uncomfortable and then I’m uncomfortable. I want to be STRONG, show my faith! SMILE! Ha, it’s impossible to always be strong. I also found that when I opened up and cried to those that are close to me, it was a comfort to share. I’ve learned a lot these past three years. I’ve learned to cry in front of those who love me and allow others to GIVE and be blessed by giving. God gave us tears as a release for our soul. He understands the need to grieve. I wondered why I couldn’t feel I was effective to comfort others. It was because I was not able to receive comfort from others. I wouldn’t open up. I can now learn to give to others who are grieving. If we don’t allow someone to give of themselves to us, we can’t be givers ourselves. 

Our Lord and Savior walks with us daily to renew us and help us through each day. We are the ones who grow and become stronger.