You watch him from backstage, as he serenades the crowd with the beautiful ballad that he had written with you in mind. Captivated by his voice, his presence and him, you forget that you have to play it cool here. Don't let the fans know that you mean anymore to him or him to you than anybody else. Wasn't that the rules? Weren't you supposed to be the silent girlfriend who could play along with this game? Joe hadn't wanted it this way but his manager did and you knew that the label also wanted it this way. It had taken him so long to finally get a label that shared his vision on where he wanted his solo career to go. Who were you to get in the way of his dream? Joe had said that you didn't have to go along with this. He had told you that he didn't care if the whole world knew that he loved you but you knew that even if he said the words, a part of him wanted to go along with the label and manager. So you wait in the wings, happy in knowing that he is yours when you go home at night.
Or are you? I have to be happy, you tell yourself. He is the man of my dreams, why shouldn't I be happy? But you realize then or maybe you have known all along that you aren't happy. You are in love and want to tell the whole world but can't. And no matter what promises were made in the dark, now in the light of day and in public, all of those promises take a backseat to his career. You had known in the beginning that he loved the stage and everything that came along with it and thought that you could learn to adjust to it all; the fans, no privacy, little to no time alone together, and so much more. You had thought that you could accept this part of him and his life but now standing off to the side of the stage watching him sing to the crowd, you weren't so sure.
Joe looks over at you and gives you that beautiful smile of his and a wink. Your heart swells with your love for him. The old saying 'love hurts' come to mind. You now know what it meant. You loved him so much it hurt. Things couldn't keep going like they were, you knew that for sure. If they did, you could very well end up resenting him and him you for putting each other in the situations that you were in. It was then that you made your decision. You knew that you had to do it. You had no other choice.
The song ended and a short break would take place now while Joe did a quick wardrobe change. He came running off the stage and in one swoop had his arms around you pulling you behind him as he made his way to his dressing room. Joe pulled both of you inside his dressing room and kicked the door shut as he turned you into his arms.
The look on his face as he lowered his face to yours made your heart fill with the love you had for him. His kiss took your breath away. Sweat and all he was beautiful.
"I love you," he said pulling away.
You smile into his eyes and hope that he couldn't tell that your heart hadn't been in that kiss. You don't want to tell him what is on your mind right now. It would affect his performance and you didn't want to do that. Stepping out of his embrace, you cross the room to get his outfit that he was to change into. You loved this costume change the best out of all of them during his performance. The outfit he wore made his eyes glow and it fit his gorgeous body in the most flattering way possible. Joe in leather had always made your blood go hot but now that you knew what that leather was conceiling, the sight of Joe in leather really turned you on.
"Mary," Joe said from behind you.
You turn to look at him.
"What's wrong?" He could sense your mood.
You give him a big fake smile and hope that he can't see through it. "Nothing. Why do you ask?"
"Mary, I know you and I know your moods and besides that kiss left a lot to be desired. What's wrong?" Joe asks again.
"Joe," you say, looking into his eyes, "don't worry about this right now. Go and finish your show." You lay his clothes on the chair beside him and turn your back to leave. You get as far as the hallway before you feel Joe's hand on your arm pulling you back into the dressing room.
"What happened after I went on stage? You were fine when I left you to start the show." Joe's confusion was clear on his face.
You shake your head, "Joe, please, I don't want to do this now. It's almost time for you to go back out there. Please," your eyes plead with him.
"To hell with that!" Joe exclaimed. "I'm not going anywhere until you tell me what's going on."
"Nothing," you answer, not meeting his eyes.
"Dammit, Mary, you're lying to me." Joe's eyes show his anger from not knowing what is wrong and his confusion.
Tears fill your eyes and you turn hoping that he didn't notice. But he did.
"Why are you crying? Do you have something to tell me?" His eyes are pleading with yours. He wants an answer that only you can give him. "Are you sick? Is that it? Please, sweetheart, whatever it is, it can't be that bad."
Maybe it was the endearment that he used or the way his voice softened and how if first concern was for your safety, you didn't know but your soft crying turned into gut wrenching sobs that you couldn't control any longer. Your body shook with your violent crying. Joe's arms quickly came around you. He pulled you against his chest and dropped light kisses on your cheeks. "It can't be this bad, honey," he said softly in your ear.
"Joe!" Someone was banging on the dressing room door. "Joe, you are running late. What the hell is taking you so long!?"
"You have to get back out there," you tell him.
"I'm not leaving you like this," Joe says with a stubborn set in his chin.
You bring your hand up to his chin, "Joe, I'm fine," you lie, "just go back out there and finish your show. All of those girls out there love you and it would crush them if you didn't get back out there."
"What about the girl in here?" Joe asks.
"What about her?"
"Does she love me?"
Your tears get stuck in your throat. You can't find your voice. Finally you manage to get the words out, "More than words can say, Joe. More than words can say." His lips capture yours in a passionate kiss that would have lead to more had Joe not had to hurry up and get changed and get back on stage.
Five minutes later he is standing with you on the wings of the stage getting ready to make another entrance for this crowd.
"We'll talk tonight, okay?" Joe hated having to get back out there with you feeling bad. He had no clue what was wrong but he knew something was bothering you.
You nod. You knew that neither of you would be talking tonight. You planned on being gone before this show was over but he didn't need to know that. He'd get over you soon after you were gone anyhow. How many woman had been in Joe' life before you? Hundreds...hell who were you kidding? Maybe thousands. Why should you kid yourself into believing that you meant more to him than any of the others. You hated yourself for thinking that thought as soon as it entered your mind. "I love you, Joe," you tell him just as he walks towards the stage. He looks back and smiles. His eyes echoing your words.
You hear the music start for the next song and Joe's voice fills the stadium. "Don't you ever say you don't like the way you are 'cause there's nothing 'bout you I would change and I hope you always stay the same." Slowly you back up. Then without looking back you turn and head towards the backdoor.
"Mary, can I help you?"
You look up and see one of Joe's bodyguards. "No, I'm fine."
"Do you not feel well? I can have the limo driver take you back to the hotel." The big guy looked so concerned for you that you felt terrible for what you were doing but still you know that you HAVE to do this.
"Yes, I would like that. Please let him know that I'd like to go back to the hotel."
"Okay, let me go tell someone to let Joe know and.."
"NO!" you say a little to loud. The bodyguard looks a little startled at your loud objection. "I mean, there's no reason to inturrupt his show or to make him worry unnecessarily." He seemed to accept that reasoning and lead you out the back and to the limo.
You were running around your hotel room throwing your things into your suitcase. You wanted to be out of the hotel by the time that Joe got back. You knew that as soon as he found out you had left that he would be on his way back here to find you. You wanted to be long gone by then. If he got to you before you had any definite plans, you knew that he could talk you out of leaving and leaving was what you had to do. It was the best thing for both of you. You had to keep trying to tell yourself that. Maybe sooner or later you'd believe it.
Finally to look around the room making sure you have everything. Your eyes settle on the white teddy bear holding two red hearts with the words "Together Forever" written across them. Fresh tears fill your eyes as you remember the night Joe had given you this bear. It was the night he had sang the song that he had written for you to you. His love had been so evident and he had opened up completely to you. You knew that your leaving like this would hurt him terribly but you couldn't stay and risk the fate of both of you hating each other in the days, weeks, months or even years to come. That would hurt even more than this. No a clean break was best even if you were taking the cowards way out but sneaking away.
Taking a piece of the hotels stationary you write Joe one last note. You hope that he can read in between your words and see into your heart and understand why you had to do this.
Joe,
Joe stared at the note willing it to be a dream. He pinched himself hoping to wake up from this hellish nightmare but it wasn't a dream and he didn't wake up in bed next to Mary. No you really had left him. Why in the hell didn't I see this coming, Joe asks himself. Knowing that he was too angry and hurt to talk reasonably to anyone but still needing to vent his anger, he lit into his bodyguard that had helped you escape.
"Why in the hell didn't you come and get me before you let her leave the damn stadium?" Joe demanded.
"Joe, you were on stage. Mary said not to interrupt your show. How was I to know that she was going to do this?" The big guy looked just about as terrible as Joe felt.
Joe patted the big guy on the shoulder, "Don't worry about it. I'm sure you did what you thought was best at the time. But I have got to find her. Did she take the limo when she left?"
"I don't know."
"Please find out and then I'm going to find her."
"What are you going to do when you find her?"
Joe smiled, "Hug her, kiss her, and then kill her for doing this to me."
You looked around the empty bus station. You had gotten there hours before and had your ticket still clutched in your hand. The call had been made for you to go to your bus but you sat unmoving. Nothing in all the world could make you get up. You knew that you had to. If you didn't get on that bus, you knew that you would be making a big mistake but you also knew that if you did get on that bus, you'd be making an even bigger mistake. Regrets were already forming in the back of your mind. You can't believe that you just walked out on one of the best things that you had ever had in your life. Joe had made life worth living for you and you just walked away from him. He had never done anything to you for you to have treated him this way and you knew that he had gotten that note by now and hated you. Your tears started flowing again at the though of Joe hating you but you knew that was how he would feel towards you now that everything was said and done.
He had been hurt before and hadn't you promised him that you would never hurt him. Hadn't you swore to him that no matter what happened, you'd go to him if things started getting to you? But then when it came down to it, you did exactly what he had been afraid you would do-You turn and ran away. Now sitting in the empty bus station, you know that you have to go and find a hotel to stay at until you can take the next bus in the morning.
Joe's manager was still on his tirade about the whole thing and Joe was getting tired of listening to it. "Shut the hell up," Joe exclaimed.
His manager looked startled, "What?"
"You heard me. It's because of you that she left, you know."
"Joe, you don't know why she left. Just accept the fact that she grew tired of being a groupie and moved on. That's all she was to you anyhow. We all knew it."
Joe's blue eyes turned cold on the man sitting across from him. "Where the hell do you get off saying something like that about Mary and me? She did every damn thing you told her to do! She sacrificed so much for me and my career!" Joe paced the room and then grabbed something off the table and stormed out of the hotel room.
You hadn't taken the limo once you had left the hotel and so Joe had no idea where you were or even where to begin looking but he knew that he had to try anyhow. He had his entire staff calling all the airports and bus stations and train stations. He wasn't going to leave any stone unturned. He had already put his tour on hold until he found you. His management had hit the roof with that too but Joe didn't give a damn what they thought.
Joe stopped in front of the rental car he had had his body guard go get for him not too long ago. He got in and through the bear he had grabbed on his way out into the passenger seat. Starting the car, the radio came blaring on. Joe moved to turn it off but then stopped once the recognized the song. "Hypnotize The Moon". You loved this song and the familiar words of the songs filled Joe's ears. "You better run for cover, you better hide your heart. Cause once you start to love her, you know you'll never stop. She shines like a diamond, when she walks into a room. She could charm stars, hypnotize the moon." Tears fill Joe's eyes as the song plays. He reaches for the teddy bear that he had tossed in the seat next to him and hugged it to him. He burried his face into the bear and let his tears fall.
Memories of you filled his head and he was lost in his thoughts. He remembered the first time he has seen you and smiled inspite of his tears. You had been determined to not let him know you knew who he was and not act like the huge New Kid fan that you were. You had wanted him to respect you and not see you as a little fan and you had achieved that goal. He hadn't been able to get you out of his senses since that first day. His whole being was consumed with you. He completed you and you completed him.
Joe didn't know how long he had been sitting there when he heard a tapping on the car window. He looked up and seen his body guard. "Yeah?" Joe asked lowering the window.
"We found her, Joe. We found her." The large man had huge grin on his face.
"Where is she?" Joe asked.
"The bus station across town. I have someone watching her until you get there."
"Good. Good, I'm on my way." Joe put the car in gear and tore out of the parking lot. He knew where you were and that in itself had improved his mood a lot. He knew that once he could talk to you that things could be worked out and he'd have you back in his arms once again.
"How do I live without you? How do I breathe without you? How would I ever, ever survive?" The music on the intercome in the bus station was getting to you. Why did it seem that every song that came on seemed to have some hidden meaning meant for only you to hear? This last song had been the last straw, slowly you got up and headed for the door. You knew that you couldn't stay at the bus station all night. It wasn't safe and you already felt like you were being watched even though the bus station was empty.
Walking towards the rental car you had gotten only a few hours ago, you notice a car coming down the road. The driver was driving like a bat out of hell. The car tore into the bus stations parking lot and the driver came barreling out of the car. It was then that you got a good look at him. Joe's blue eyes met your eyes.
"Why? Why, Mary, why?"
You could see the hurt etched in his face. His usually lively eyes had a down cast to them. It tugged at your heart to see him like this. "Joe," you start but your eyes can't meet his any longer and so you look down at the ground.
He walks towards you and is almost right in front of you. You put your hand out in front of you to stop him from getting any closer. "Please, Mary, why did you run away?" Joe's eyes glistened with his tears.
"I had to leave, Joe," you say softly.
"Why? Why did you have to?"
"It would have happened sooner or later anyway, Joe. We both want different things."
"What do you mean?"
"Joe, you love the stage and the screaming girls and the fanfair and attention. I knew that from the beginning. You never claimed it to be any other way. I thought that I could be okay with all of that but I'm not. Joe I know that you have an obligation to all of those people and so instead of me putting unfair demands on you, I'm making it easy on you." You hoped he bought that little song and dance. It wasn't the truth and you knew it. Why didn't you just come out and tell him the truth? You didn't know.
"So you're saying that you're jealous of my fans?" Joe asked in a voice that showed his disbelief in what you were saying.
"Yes," you lie.
"I don't believe you. I seen you and how you act around my fans. You join right on in with them and their excitement. You are one of them and the only difference is that you go home with me at night and they don't. Mary, you aren't jealous of them. Hell, you are one of them!"
"Yeah, Joe, I'm your biggest fan," you say sarcastically. "Is that what you want to hear? How wonderful and great I think you are? Is that all I am to you?" Joe goes to say something but you keep talking. "I tried so hard when I first met you to not appear to be a over excited fan. I wanted so much to be able to meet you and then maybe you like me even a little that I use to make myself sick worrying that it would never happen. Then when it did happen I was sure that it was a dream and that I would wake up and you'd still be the guy whose poster was on my wall. But it wasn't a dream and you were real. Joe, I am not going to get in the way of your dream. I know how much all of this means to you. It would be selfish of me to ask you for more than you're willing to give. It's best that I leave now, while we can both still make a clean break and not get hurt too badly."
"It's too late for that," Joe said hoarsely.
"What?" you ask confused.
"It already hurts like hell. I love you, Mary. If you get in that car and leave me, you're taking my heart with you.
"I have to leave, Joe. If I don't, you'll end up hating me. I know you will." You open your car door and go to get in.
"Mary, please," Joe grabs your arm. "Don't leave me like this. We can fix this. I mean I already told you before that we don't have to keep our relationship under the rug. Come back to the hotel with me and in the interview that I have in the morning, we'll let everyone know then." Joe's eyes were pleading with yours.
You study his face for some long moments. You want to believe that it could be that simple but you know that it can't be. Slowly you shake your head, "No, Joe. You know what would happen if you came out and said that you had a girlfriend. It would be hell for your career and no matter how much we can stand here and pretend that it doesn't matter to the fans or to you or to your management, it DOES matter. It's best this way." You lean forward and place a kiss on Joe's lips and then get into your car.
Joe stands in the middle of the parking lot long after you have driven off still trying to let everything sink in. He can't believe that he's lost you. He felt his emotions freeze up inside of him as he walked back to his car. He silently vowed to himself to never let anyone else get this close to him again. He wasn't ever going to allow himself to be that open to another woman as long as he lived. The pain that came along with that kind of openness wasn't worth it to him.
Had it really been six months since you had last seen Joe? The time had seemed to fly by and yet pass oh so slowly. A day hadn't gone by that you hadn't thought of him. It had killed you when you had went back to his house for the last time and packed your stuff up. It was final now and you knew that he was out of your life. It was better this way, you kept telling yourself.
But now it was Christmas time and try as you might, you can't help but wonder how Joe is doing during this holiday season. You were still friends with his sisters and parents. And Tommy when the mood hit him. Through them you knew that Joe had finished his tour and was now working on his second solo album. You were proud of him to no end and knew that he know realized that everything had worked out for the best. So why weren't you happy now?
You were on your way to the Christmas party that Trisha, Joe's sister, was throwing. You knew that there was a good chance that Joe would be there. And even though you were scared to see him, you also needed and wanted to see him. It had been too long. Your love for him was still as strong as ever. You had tried to date other guys and move on but you couldn't. Hell, you had even went out with Jordan in hopes of maybe falling for him but even Jordan couldn't replace Joe in your heart.
The party was in full swing when you get there. Trisha ushers you inside and then leaves you to fend for yourself amoung the other guests. You spot Jordan and Donnie talking in a corner and wave hello to them. They motion for you to come over.
"We weren't sure if you'd show up," Donnie said.
"Yeah, but we're glad to see you," Jordan smiled.
"So where are your dates at?" you ask.
"Would you believe we don't have any?" Jordan asked, smiling.
You shake your head smiling, "No, I don't believe that."
"Well," Donnie said threading his arm through yours, "it's true. So will you do me the honors and dance with me?"
You agree and let Donnie lead you out onto the area that Trisha has set aside for dancing. While you and Donnie are cutting a rug, Jordan sets to work on getting his and Donnie's plan into action.
"This has to work," Jordan mumbled to himself.
"What was that, J?" Joe asks coming up behind him.
"Oh, Joe! You're here," Jordan said.
"Yeah, well I wasn't going to come but Trish looked hurt when I said that I wasn't coming and so I figured I'd make my sister happy and make an appearance."
"Oh, so you aren't staying long?"
"Nah, just for an hour or so. Why?"
"Just wondering." Jordan knew that he had to work fast now.
Joe's eyes wander around the room and Jordan notices that his eyes stop on you and Donnie. Jordan expects Joe to say something but he covers his reaction to seeing you well and continues to look around the room.
Jordan decides that now is as good a time as any to start the plan. "I'll see you later, Joe." Joe nods and Jordan makes his way to the stereo to get to work. The fast tempo song ends and Jordan takes the mic.
"This next song is dedicated to two of my best friends. They haven't seen each other in a long time now and so this song is to you guys. Joe? Mary? Please start this next dance. The floor cleared and you and Joe are the only ones left out there. You're looking each other over as the familiar notes to "All The Time" begin to play. Realizing that it would only make a scene if either of you refused, you both walk towards each other and Joe wraps his arms around you for the dance. You both hold yourselves rigid and try not to touch the other anymore than necessary.
"So how have you been?" Joe asks, deciding to break the ice a little.
"Good and you?"
"Good." That ended the conversation. You both were struggling for words. You look up into his eyes and catch a glimpse into the pain that he has been through. Your own calm act cracks at seeing his pain for a brief second in his eyes.
"Joe, can we go somewhere and talk?" He hesitates and you add, "Please." He nods and takes your hand and leads you up the stairs so that you can talk privately.
"I don't know where to begin," you say once you're in one of the guestrooms at the top of the staircase. Joe's eyes meet yours but he's not helping you out here. His love for you hadn't faded all of these months and his pain was still as raw as it had been the day you left him.
"I'm sorry about before. I really did think that it was for the best, Joe. I didn't want to cramp your career by being in the way."
"You weren't in the way," Joe started to say.
"Please let me finish," you request.
Joe nods, "Okay."
"I felt like I was in the way. You were the only one who wanted me there and I knew that it was only a matter of time before you resented me for being there, too. I loved you way too much to have that kind of rejection thrown at me and so I beat you to it and got out of the situation before you could get rid of me."
"Mary, I never thought you were in the way. God, I loved you and would have done anything for you! I was thinking of marrying you for Gods sake!" Joe ran his hands through his curls and his blue eyes darted to your face.
"You were?" you ask sofly.
"Yeah," Joe answered bitterly. "But that was a long time ago."
Your heart sinks with this statement. "Yeah I guess it was a long time ago."
"Yes, it was," Joe says flatly. He moves toward the door and the curses under his breath.
"What?" you ask.
Joe turns to face you, "As much as I want to hate you for what you did to me, I can't. You broke my heart that day and I swore that I'd never forgive you for that. Dammit, I still love you, Mary."
"You don't want to still love me?"
"No."
"Oh," you answer, looking down at the floor.
"Well, what the hell do you expect? I begged you to not leave me. Dammit I begged you!" Joe's eyes filled with tears. "I begged you, Mary."
"I'm so sorry, Joe. I should never have left you. These last six months have been hell for me, too. I love you so much." You cross the room to him and run your hand along his cheek. His eyes meet yours in a silent stare where looks spoke louder than words. "I'm so sorry," you whisper, leaning forward and brushing a light kiss on his cheek.
You take his hand and lead him to the love seat in front of the fireplace. Putting your hands on his shoulders, gently you push him down into the seat. Joe's eyes meet yours as you lower yourself to sit next to him.
"I'll never hurt you again," you promise. Putting your hands behind his neck you pull him to you for a kiss. Although Joe didn't pull away from you he didn't participate in the kiss either. Your eyes meet his with the questions in them.
"I know you'll never hurt me again, because I won't let you. Mary, I can't get involved with you again. Yes, I still love you and I still want you. You can take one look at me and see that is clear but I can't risk my heart again." Joe stood up and crossed the room. He looked back at you as he opened the door, "I'm sorry but I just can't risk it."
You stare at the closed door that Joe had just exited. What had you expected him to do? Come running back to you? His pride had been hurt just as much as his heart and you knew how proud Joe was. He wasn't going to jump back into your arms. But you knew that his admitting his love for you had been a big step in the right direction. He still loved you and that alone was enough for you tonight.
Leaving the room, you look back and the scene that just happened replays in your mind only the ending is much different. In this ending you and Joe end up in each others arms all night long. Shaking those thoughts from your head you go back downstairs and rejoin the party.