SPEECHES CLINTON SHOULD'VE GIVEN!
"Members of Congress...people of America....I banged her. I
banged her like a cheap gong. Which is not news, folks, because if
you think Monica Lewinsky was the only skin flute player in my
orchestra, you haven't been paying attention.
The only babes in D.C.
I haven't tried to do are the First Lady, Reno, Albright, and Shalala,
mostly because they're a little older than I like and they have legs
that former Houston Oiler Earl Campbell would envy.
Which isn't to
say I don't appreciate Hillary...I do. If not for the ice-water
coursing through her veins, I'd be pumping gas into farm equipment in
Hope, Arkansas, and she'd be married to the President.
So, let me set the record straight. I dodged the draft, hid FBI
files, smoked dope, flipped Whitewater property, set up a new Korean
wing in the White House, fired the travel staff, paid hush money to
Hubbell, sold the Lincoln bedroom like an upscale Motel 6, and grabbed
every ass that entered the Oval Office. Got it? Good.
Six years
ago, there's not a man, woman, or child who didn't know I was as horny
as Woody Allen. But you elected me anyway, which turned out to be a
good move on your part.
Your other choice was Bush, an aging baseball
player and part-time resident of some place called "Kennebunkport" who
thought he could bomb his way into the White House. Before him, it
was Reagan, who left the office with the same Alzheimer's he came in
with. There was Carter before him who brought you a 17% prime
interest rate, smiling the whole time like his lithium drip had just
kicked in.
Nixon before that coined, but never really understood, the
concept of 'plausible deniability,' and almost got a one-way ticket to
San Clemente for his crackerjack style of governing. Johnson was an
inbred, power-mad war criminal whose major contribution to American
society was Agent Orange.
And John Kennedy, who was a little naughty
himself, didn't hang around long enough for America to spot that
curious atavistic tic for "beaver-wrestling" shared by at least a
dozen former residents of the White House.
Which brings me back to my point. Since I have been strumming
the banjo here at the White House, government is doing more for less.
The budget is balanced for the first time since JFK did a one gun
salute to Marilyn, a fact the press didn't seem to care about,
evidently. Unemployment is so low today a blind felon can get a job
as a night-watchman. And the stock market is higher than a D-student
on a full gram of dumb-dust, and anyone with a degree from a junior
college who can spell 'Internet' has enough money to ponder the annual
maintenance cost of his boat, instead of where his or her next meal is
coming from.
Bottom line: I'm running a country here and I'm doing it with my
pecker showing.
What I'm asking for is your support, not a date with
your daughter...unless, of course, she's a hotty with thin ankles, and
then I'd like to discuss it. In the meantime, think about where you
are today and what kind of life
you're living before you get too interested in where I'm parking the
Presidential limousine.
Thank you, good night and God bless America.
Or try this one on for size:
My fellow Americans, I have just spent six hours doing a very
difficult, almost impossible thing -- explaining sex to Ken Starr. I
have answered all of his questions. Now I have one of my own. Did
this really happen?
Did I really work my ass off my whole life to become leader of the
free world only to be lashed to the stake of adultery by a grand
inquisitor who nobody ever voted for?
I balance the budget. I preside
over an unimpeachable era of peace and prosperity, but then you want
to take me down for fibbing about diddling an intern in a thrown-out
civil case by a woman whose gripe was she saw my weenie in the disco
era?
Are you people kidding me?
And now you want an apology?
I don't think so.
But I'll tell you what I am sorry about - I'm sorry that, for the
service I do around here 24-7, the tail I did manage to get wasn't
better. I ain't Marv Albert over here, all right?
And while we're at it, let's cut out this crap about this not being
about sex. If I hear that one more time, there's going to be a stain
on somebody's clothes and it's gonna be blood.
Look, I'm sorry Ken Starr can't get laid. I'm sorry wives don't
like giving oral sex. I'm sorry I'm a flesh-and-blood human being in
need of some affection and release in what some might consider a
high-stress job.
And by the way, next time one of our embassies explodes or the Asian
markets need a little hand-holding, remember who thought it was more
important that I spend my time telling a jury about my penis.
Oh, I forgot, it's not about sex.
Yeah, right, it's about lying.
Well, grow up. People lie about sex. And nobody else in the world
lapses into a police state over it. Of course if you empower a
special persecutor to stray into sexual behavior, you will create
perjury crimes. But come on, what guy hasn't lied about doing a fat
chick?
If that makes me a criminal, take me away right now. But I also go
as a victim of treason, because what else is it when an
unconstitutional fourth branch of government conspires by endless
legal harassment to overthrow a President twice elected by the
people, the real and only source of political legitimacy?
And so, as I go off to prison, I thank the people for the 70%
approval rating. And to those many others who feel their curiosity
about my personal life has blossomed into a right, who feel that the
fate of the Republic is so dependent on me fessing up, let me, as a
final gesture of grace, give you what you want. You want the truth?
You want to know what I really think?
Well, here it is.
The woman gives great head.
Thank you and goodnight.
*******
** I thought I should share the first nasty email I've EVER gotten with everyone, since the polite guy who wrote it didn't appreciate this page: **
Subj: jokes in bad taste
Date: 5/10/00 9:01:49 PM Pacific Daylight Time
From: gseveret@concentric.net (George & Sandy Everett)
Reply-to: gseveret@concentric.net
To: bmit69@aol.com
Your jokes, you say, are not intended to offend or disgust, but the ones
I read WERE intended to offend. What has Hillary Clinton done to rate
such bashing? Ice water in her veins, you say? YOU are the one with ice
water in your veins, circulating this kind of material. It's obviously
intended to hurt people who don't deserve it.
ge
Wanna reply to this guy? Click on the lips~~~>
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