*Note: Although based on a true story, this is a work of fiction. The actual facts have been chopped up, disemboweled, hung, stabbed, shot, beaten, had their heads reattached to different bodies, ressurected, and this is what you get. So ha!.
Just so you’re not confused...
*It is a Sunday night in Bellbrookville. The PPV Squad, which of course consists of Croooooow, Cheesecake, Jay, Huh, and our dear friend Nykk, were gathered at Croooooow’s house for their monthly PPV.*
Croooooow: (looking at the TV) What’s with all these 10-10 numbers?
Nykk: I don’t know how they expect us to keep track of all of them and tell each one apart.
Cheesecake: (in a gay imitation voice) But that John Lithgow is just so sexy!
Croooooow: Art, do you have to make that observation every single time the commercial comes on?
Cheesecake: Hee, hee... you said cums.
Croooooow: C-O-M-E-S.
Nykk: You want to lay off the sexual innuendo tonight, Art? It’s the Royal Rumble!
Huh: (blinks and looks away from the TV screen) Huh?
Nykk: Nathan, did you pay attention to anything we’ve just said?
(Nathan shrugs and reaches for a slice of pizza)
Jay: You might not want to do that.
Huh: Why?
Jay: You know what it did to you the last time you ate three slices in a row.
Huh: Oh please. What are the odds of that happening again? (Huh’s stomach rumbles) Uh oh... (He lets loose with a fart so loud that it has its own echo)
Nykk: (terrified) Run!
(They all run to the door, but when Jay goes to open it, they find that it’s locked)
Cheesecake: Jim, unlock it!
Croooooow: I can’t! The lock’s broken!
(They all huddle near the door as the gas slowly moves toward them. It replaces the oxygen in the roo...)
Nykk: (slowly opens his eyes) What happened? (He looks around and discovers that they had all passed out from the fumes. The others are also starting to awaken)
Jay: Oh no, not again...
Croooooow: What? What exactly happened last time Nathan did this?
Jay: The gas gets into your brain and totally screws up your perception on the first thing you focus on.
Cheesecake: So we better not focus on anything, right?
(Dok Hendrix, meanwhile, appears on the TV screen)
Dok: Get ready, Dayton!
(The PPV Squad turns to stare at the screen)
Dok: That’s right, for the first time ever, Sunday Night Heat is invading the Nutter Center!
Nykk: Oh no! The WWF’s invading the Nutter Center!
Dok: Get ready for “Stone Cold” Steve Austin...
Croooooow: Ah, Steve Austin... my arch-nemesis...
Dok: DX, The Rock, Sable, and more! Tickets are now on sale at the Nutter Center Box Office and all Ticket Master locations! Get ready for the invasion on February 28th!
Jay: The WWF’s invading the Nutter Center! What are we going to do?
Nykk: I’ll tell you what we’re going to do... we’re going to counter-attack!
Huh: But how?
Nykk: I’ll organize an offensive, that’s what I’ll do! Who’s with me?
(The room is silent, and crickets can be heard chirping in the background)
Nykk: C’mon, you guys, this is our home arena! We can’t just let the WWF waltz in and take over.
Croooooow: (steps forward) I’m in.
Jay: Me too.
Cheesecake: Me three.
Huh: I don’t know if it’s such a great idea, you guys...
Jay: Shut up, fatboy!
Croooooow: Shut up, Nathan!
Nykk: Nathan, shut up!
Cheesecake: (to Nykk) Shut Nathan up.
Huh: OK, I guess I’m in.
*The weeks pass as the PPV Squad, now called the PPV Squadron, prepares their assault. Finally, February 28th has arrived, and their all gathered in Croooooow’s front yard, wearing fatigues and camoflouge.*
Nykk: Fall in! (The rest of the PPV Squadron falls into line) State your name and purpose in Operation: Nutter Storm.
Croooooow: (steps forward) I am Lieutenant Jim, codename: Croooooow, computer hacker and code-breaker, general, sir!
Cheesecake: (steps forward) I am Captain Art, codename: Cheesecake, director of subterfuge, sir!
Jay: (steps forward) I am Colonel Jay, codename: Jay, weapons expert, sir!
Nathan: (steps forward, trips over his own feet, and falls flat on his face.) Private Nathan, condom: Huh, human shield, sir! (spits grass out of his mouth)
(The rest of the PPV Squadron all look at each other quizically.)
Jay: That’s CODENAME, not CONDOM, you dumb ass.
Nykk: And I am General Nick, codename: Nykk, and I’ll be leading the offensive! Now, let’s go! (He points to his ‘81 Camaro, which has been repainted in camoflouge, and has a tank barrel sticking out of the hood. The PPV Squadron all jump in, and Nykk drives away.)
*They arrive at the Nutter Center parking lot*
(The PPV Squadron gets out of their “tank” and proceeds up the steps leading to the arena.)
Jay: So, Nick, how are we going to get in?
Nykk: That’s Nykk, Jay, remember? It’s my condom... (sighs) CODENAME.
Jay: Nick, Nykk, it’s pronounced the same. How are we getting in?
Nykk: Beats the hell out of me.
Croooooow: Don’t sweat it, guys. (Walks over to a metal door with a security box on it)
Huh: Are you going to crack the code?
(Croooooow examines the numbers on the box, concentrating the full capacity of his mind on it. Then he walks over to Jay’s back pack and takes out a baseball bat. He walks back over to the security box and swings the bat as hard as he can. The box shatters and sparks fly everywhere.)
Croooooow: (Opens the door) Problem solved.
(They sneak in quietly)
Cheesecake: Shut the door, Huh.
Huh: Huh?
Nykk: (to Cheesecake) Watch your step, soldier. I’m the only one allowed to give orders on this mission. (Turns to Huh) Shut the door, Huh.
(Huh shuts the door.)
Jay: (looks down the hall) There’s the backstage area, you guys. There’s a security guard there.
(From down the hall, an imposing, albeit short, security guard with short, brown hair stands imposingly)
Nykk: I don’t suppose you still have that baseball bat handy, do you, Croooooow?
Cheesecake: Relax, I’m the director of subterfuge, remember?
Jay: What are you going to do?
Cheesecake: I’m going to disguise Huh as The Blue Meanie.
Huh: Hey!... I mean, huh?
Nykk: (snaps his fingers) That’s perfect!
Croooooow: Good thinking, Cheesecake.
Jay: I should have thought of that myself.
Huh: No way, guys.
Nykk: Private, SIT!
(Huh sits down while Cheesecake spray paints his hair blue and applies black paint around his eyes)
Cheesecake: (examines The Huh Meanie) Something’s still not right... (he, Croooooow, Nykk, and Jay all look at each other, smile, and nod at the same time.)
Huh: (senses what they’re thinking) No, you guys, I won’t degrade myself...
(Nykk looks at him sharply)
Huh: (sighs) All right... (He does the Meanie Dance)
Nykk: Good, now go! (He shoves Huh toward the security guard)
(Huh dances his way past the suspicious security guard and the rest of the PPV Squadron follows him in without any harassment.)
Security Guard: Wait a minute... (looks at Huh) You ain’t Brian!
Jay: (laughs) Well, you see, sir... (he kicks the security guard in the balls) Run, you guys!
(The PPV Squadron runs through the backstage area while the guard collapses, holding his groin. They come to a stop some distance away, breathing heavily.)
Croooooow: Okay... *HUFF* Now what?
Nykk: I think we...*HUFF* need to split up....
Jay: Right...
Cheesecake: Let’s do it. Er... Nykk, what exactly are we here to do?
Nykk: (flustered) I... I... um... don’t question your superior, soldier. Now drop and give me twenty!
Cheesecake: Eww...
Nykk: (sighs) Push-ups!
(Cheesecake drops and gives him twenty... push-ups.)
Nykk: Now, scatter!
(They all go in opposite directions, except for Croooooow and Jay, who look at each other and smile.)
Both: Tag team! (They slap hands and walk off into the unknown together...)