password protected
for
reasons no hominid really needs to know
if
you don't have a password
- any password -
please
stop reading
now!
**********************************************************
Friday,
October 1, 1999
Pursuant
to page 6, section 2, paragraph b of "Rules and Regulations for Alien Infiltrators
under Deep Cover on Minor Planets with Uppity Species in Need of a Little
Cosmic Spanking," I hereby submit this full and complete account of my
activities of the last three months within the confines of that trite art
form known as a
Third
Quarter Report
Overview
The
last three months didn't suck nearly as bad as I expected.
Main Achievement
Have
continued clogging, bogging down, and otherwise contaminating the dominant
life form's so-called World Wide Web with daily online journal entries.
Have successfully doubled regular readership from 1 to 2, meaning we are
well on our way to sapping the will to live of everyone now on earth on
or before October 1, 2345 A.D. provided we can find a way to keep them
alive that long.
Minor Achievements
Abductions: 12.5 in my district. (Would have been a full 13 but I mistook a beagle for that widow we targeted in Wapakoneta. Since the beagle proved to be at least half as good a conversationalist as the widow, figured it was ok to count him as .5 an abductee, especially as his dentures didn't fall out and bruise my favorite tentacle during the microchip insertion.)
Crop Circles: Only 2 because of the drought, and one of those ended up being a trapezoid after my protractor broke. You ever try to get some favorable press coverage with a trapezoid?! Note To My Supply Ship Captain: Next month take the time to go the extra trillion miles and get Alpha Centauri-brand equipment, ok?? That's Alpha Centauri - the name you can trust!
Medical
Exams/Samples: Managed to collect 26 specimens of humanoid earwax
as requested, 11 of those just from the the forks of a local diner.
Had to resort to the old midnight-visit-to-the-bedroom-of-a-single-woman
ploy for the other 15 just because I've been saving my imagination for
an upcoming slogan contest Proctor and Gamble is planning for a new line
of disposable diapers. (See what funding cutbacks have forced me to resort
to?) Alas, all of these women refused to settle for an alien visitation
which didn't include a detailed gynecological exam. "If that pig
on Fox's Tales of the Unexplained merited one, I do too, damn it!"
was a typical protest. Ugh. Not one would accept the fact that
earwax is the best thing humans have going for 'em. At least I had
the sense to stand two of them up at the altar after they wheedled a marriage
proposal out of me in exchange for allowing me to slip out their window
on a beam of light without having to tuck them in and kiss them goodnight.
And of course I had to promise I'd call. Yeah, right. As if these
are the sort of women I'd ever want to take the brains of home with me
in a jar to show Mom.
Tests
Of US Defense Systems: Managed to tickle a few radars, confuse a
squadron of F-15 pilots, get a Trident sub captain to mistake a whale for
a Russian attack, as well as get the Army to buy new bright yellow "camouflage"
uniforms - and that was just by hiring a neighborhood kid to hack into
Defense Dept. computers and change a few lines of code. Bottom line:
Never send an entire invasion fleet to do what comes naturally to a 13-year-old
Ohio boy.
Randomly
Induced Panics: About 50 - all brought about by simply leaving a
few select newspaper headlines on a park bench, near a politician, in Rush
Limbaugh's mailbox. Turns out this works better than my old little
saucer ever did, it costs only 50 cents a pop, and newspapers are far less
likely to burst into flames when exposed to an ignition spark. Still
awaiting my bonus incentive payment for coming up with this idea, by the
way. Those creatures in accounting get their laser check printers
stuck up one of their three butts again or what??
Notable
Observations: Ummm... well.... Been pretty busy here with all
the above to make too many.... Yesterday's radiation accident in
Japan sure makes it clear that humans still haven't learned that nuclear
power is only good for powering practical jokes played on silicon-based
life forms, however. Idiots. Better rush that "Only YOU Can
Prevent Apocalypses!" ad campaign our agents on Madison Avenue are planning
before this whole franchise goes to hell.
Problems:
1) Still having trouble understanding Commander Jester. Please tell
me again - does "MEOW!" mean "The Pat Buchanan unit needs an overhaul immediately!"
or "I want Evian in my bowl, dammit - NOT tap water!"? 2) The head
of JFK is demanding another contact with the head of Marilyn Monroe.
How am I to explain to the President that her jar was accidentally left
out for the recyclers by my wife??
Summary
Things are ok. Could be better. Could be worse. Sure, I haven't been able yet to trick millions of humans into reading my journal instead of wasting their time on reproduction and gun violence, but I haven't turned an entire continent into salt-free catsup, either, like that fool they put in charge of things on Epselloni 7. Good enough for government work, I say.
Speaking
of which, time to punch a clock. Damn - first time I've worked until
3 pm on a Friday in eons! Am I slipping in my old age or what?!
(Cut here to earn basic scissors certification)
Home
("The
Right Choice!" - E.T.)
Forward
To A Brighter Future
(Or
Just Add Too Much Uranium To Your Club Soda
And
Experience A Suddenly Brighter Today)
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(All
Material ©1999 by the current inhabitant
of
the body of Dan Birtcher)
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(Cut here
to be re-certified as a highly experienced scissors operator)
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(Cut here to earn your Papercutting
Engineer's degree)
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(Cut here to become an Officially
Recognized Scissors Handler
of the Year 2000 Olympics)
DO NOT CUT!
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(Cut here to throw it all away
just for a brief moment of ecstasy)