Overview

The last three months didn't suck nearly as bad as I expected.
 

Main Achievement

Have continued clogging, bogging down, and otherwise contaminating the dominant life form's so-called World Wide Web with daily online journal entries.  Have successfully doubled regular readership from 1 to 2, meaning we are well on our way to sapping the will to live of everyone now on earth on or before October 1, 2345 A.D. provided we can find a way to keep them alive that long.
 

Minor Achievements

Abductions: 12.5 in my district. (Would have been a full 13 but I mistook a beagle for that widow we targeted in Wapakoneta.  Since the beagle proved to be at least half as good a conversationalist as the widow, figured it was ok to count him as .5 an abductee, especially as his dentures didn't fall out and bruise my favorite tentacle during the microchip insertion.)

Crop Circles: Only 2 because of the drought, and one of those ended up being a trapezoid after my protractor broke.  You ever try to get some favorable press coverage with a trapezoid?! Note To My Supply Ship Captain: Next month take the time to go the extra trillion miles and get Alpha Centauri-brand equipment, ok??  That's Alpha Centauri - the name you can trust!

Medical Exams/Samples:  Managed to collect 26 specimens of humanoid earwax as requested, 11 of those just from the the forks of a local diner.  Had to resort to the old midnight-visit-to-the-bedroom-of-a-single-woman ploy for the other 15 just because I've been saving my imagination for an upcoming slogan contest Proctor and Gamble is planning for a new line of disposable diapers. (See what funding cutbacks have forced me to resort to?)  Alas, all of these women refused to settle for an alien visitation which didn't include a detailed gynecological exam.  "If that pig on Fox's Tales of the Unexplained merited one, I do too, damn it!" was a typical protest.  Ugh.  Not one would accept the fact that earwax is the best thing humans have going for 'em.  At least I had the sense to stand two of them up at the altar after they wheedled a marriage proposal out of me in exchange for allowing me to slip out their window on a beam of light without having to tuck them in and kiss them goodnight.  And of course I had to promise I'd call. Yeah, right.  As if these are the sort of women I'd ever want to take the brains of home with me in a jar to show Mom.
 

Tests Of US Defense Systems:  Managed to tickle a few radars, confuse a squadron of F-15 pilots, get a Trident sub captain to mistake a whale for a Russian attack, as well as get the Army to buy new bright yellow "camouflage" uniforms - and that was just by hiring a neighborhood kid to hack into Defense Dept. computers and change a few lines of code.  Bottom line: Never send an entire invasion fleet to do what comes naturally to a 13-year-old Ohio boy.
 

Randomly Induced Panics:  About 50 - all brought about by simply leaving a few select newspaper headlines on a park bench, near a politician, in Rush Limbaugh's mailbox.  Turns out this works better than my old little saucer ever did, it costs only 50 cents a pop, and newspapers are far less likely to burst into flames when exposed to an ignition spark.  Still awaiting my bonus incentive payment for coming up with this idea, by the way.  Those creatures in accounting get their laser check printers stuck up one of their three butts again or what??
 

Notable Observations:  Ummm... well....  Been pretty busy here with all the above to make too many....  Yesterday's radiation accident in Japan sure makes it clear that humans still haven't learned that nuclear power is only good for powering practical jokes played on silicon-based life forms, however.  Idiots.  Better rush that "Only YOU Can Prevent Apocalypses!" ad campaign our agents on Madison Avenue are planning before this whole franchise goes to hell.
 

Problems:  1) Still having trouble understanding Commander Jester.  Please tell me again - does "MEOW!" mean "The Pat Buchanan unit needs an overhaul immediately!" or "I want Evian in my bowl, dammit - NOT tap water!"?  2) The head of JFK is demanding another contact with the head of Marilyn Monroe.  How am I to explain to the President that her jar was accidentally left out for the recyclers by my wife??
 

Summary

Things are ok.  Could be better.  Could be worse.  Sure, I haven't been able yet to trick millions of humans into reading my journal instead of wasting their time on reproduction and gun violence, but I haven't turned an entire continent into salt-free catsup, either, like that fool they put in charge of things on Epselloni 7.  Good enough for government work, I say.

Speaking of which, time to punch a clock.  Damn - first time I've worked until 3 pm on a Friday in eons!  Am I slipping in my old age or what?!