Thurs., Sept. 2, 1999
"Well, there goes that $6 trillion budget surplus." - President Clinton upon hearing that all 100 gazillion Beanie Babies will start drawing Social Security retirement benefits come January 1
Ok, so maybe there really aren't 100 gazillion Beanie Babies out there.
Maybe there are only 99 jillion, give or take an oodle or two. The
fact remains that they outnumber us adult-style humans by a very wide margin,
and how they chose to vote in next year's election will shape our society
for generations to come.
Back. Sorry it took so long but in an attempt to calm Bill down a bit, I've been doing some Beanie Baby research. Let's hope it does the trick since shitless stuffed animals have always made me very, very nervous.
As best as I can tell after spending an arduous three minutes performing
web searches and waiting for pages to download, there are 47 different
Beanie Babies that will retire come January. I don't know how many
of each type are still out there on the job at the moment, but that's just
as well since 47 is a big enough number to boggle my mind when it comes
to babies of any sort. Indeed, it's quite possible that an encounter
with a single infant back in 1981 left my mind in a permanent state of
bogglement. At least it wasn't a married infant - that really
would have been too much for me!
Personally, I think even that 47 number is suspect. I mean, come on - is the Derby the Horse that has a white patch on his head really different enough from the lame Derby the Horse they had to shoot in December, 1997 or the Derby the Horse with the Fine Mane Hair that retired back in 1995 to be called a separate type/species (genre?)? And instead of helping drain the Social Security fund so that there's no money left for us Baby Boomers in only 5 years instead of the projected 7, can't he keep working - maybe in Grecian commercials? It seems a shame to let a good white patch go to waste. I myself would be more than willing to pay money to see if any of the other Beanie Babies can actually go up to him and his freshly tarred head on camera and ask "Been working out? Lose weight?" with a straight face.
Regardless of the details, you have to admit that these Beanies got themselves
a pretty sweet deal. The oldest of them are only 6 years old, after
all, and here they are - retiring! When I was 6, I still faced another
decade of work, for cripe's sake. And then when I did retire,
nobody gave me a free office in Washington plus lifetime Secret
Service protection like these guys are going to get!!
Maybe it's all just a ruse to boost public interest in their flagging careers
like some say - I don't know. My own Snort the Bull just snorts when
I ask, smartass that he is.
|
Back To A Simpler Past |
can you read that tag on my ear and tell me what it says?) |